56. Healing Your Marriage After Infidelity is Brutal. Would it be Better to Just Walk Away?

Sex addiction is classified as a “process addiction.” This is important as your treatment strategy may need to change depending on the thought processes that you’re addicted to. In this episode, I discuss:Why the term “sex addiction” may be a distraction.Why the term may make it difficult for your wife to move forward.Why the term may be creating an inaccurate enemy. For more about process addiction, check out my book on Amazon or audio book on Audible. Here’s the link: https://a.co/d/dCpfAlf If you’re a high-achiever looking for a recovery group full of other high-achieving men, visit my website: successfuladdict.com

When most guys get into recovery for their sex or porn addiction, they think this will be out of their lives in a few months. While sobriety can be achieved, healing your marriage is a different story. In this episode, Cory Anderson (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) and I discuss what guys need to do to go the distance. As you have probably figured out… this is not a quick process. Sex addiction recovery is a marathon, NOT a sprint. This episode will help you get there. If you want to work with Cory or any of his therapists, visit their website here: https://www.integritycounselinggroup.com/ If you have not yet bought my book, you can download the first chapter for free here: https://successfuladdict.com/booksample If you’re looking for a recovery group that places you with 9 other like-minded men you can connect with in recovery, visit our website. Our groups are exclusively for successful professionals recovering from sex addiction. We use weekly calls, daily accountability check-ins, and biannual 4-day intensives. Go here for more info: successfuladdict.com

Good life events may be more traumatic than the negative ones. Trauma comes from the conclusion you came to after the life event… Not the event itself. In this episode, I talk about how success, advice, mentorship, winning, and other accomplishments may be more traumatic than some of the negative events that have happened in your life. All life events have the potential to influence your belief system. Therefore, you should make sure that your recovery plan includes examining all potentially problematic beliefs. Even if they look “good” on the surface. I spend a good amount of time talking about trauma in my book. If you have not yet bought my book, you can download the first chapter for free here: https://successfuladdict.com/booksample

Sex addiction will destroy your marriage. The only way back is to create a new marriage that will likely look much different than the old marriage. Your wife will be with a guy who she knows has the capability of lying to her and cheating on her. You will have to be with a wife who is frequently triggered by trauma and may ask you to modify your lifestyle to keep her safe. On this podcast episode, I am joined by Dr. Corey Allan, host of one of the top relationship podcasts, “Sexy Marriage Radio.” Corey and I address a common question men ask themselves when in the depths of relational recovery… “Would it be easier if we just got divorced?” And, another question: “Should I just be single?” All are fair questions when trying to heal the marriage after sexual betrayal. It's not an easy road for couples. So, why be married? Well, that's exactly what we address in this podcast episode. Listen to Dr. Corey's podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/sexy-marriage-radio/id472302597 If you have not yet bought my new book, you can access the first chapter here for free: https://successfuladdict.com/booksample If you are looking for a sex addiction recovery group designed specifically for high-achievers, executives, business professionals, and entrepreneurs, visit my website here: successfuladdict.com

The word “trauma” is often misunderstood. It’s not just abuse… Trauma can be a result of advice, mentorship, or any event for that matter. Parenting is not about being a “good” parent. Oftentimes, it's “good parenting” that results in the most trauma to the child. Kids don’t need someone to tell them who to become, what to believe, and how to live their lives. In fact, overparenting can sometimes be worse than neglect. Why?? Because kids who have been overparented often believe that they had a “perfect childhood.” Whereas the neglected child knows that they had flawed parents, and they are often more open to being wrong and seeking out new ways of thinking. This episode may be helpful when looking back and identifying where some of your sex addiction may have stemmed from. If you want help identifying the root cause of your sex or porn addiction, visit my website: successfuladdict.com It can be challenging to identify the flaws in your upbringing without a group to help you discover where your problematic beliefs came from and which ones are causing you to act out sexually.

In this episode, I’m joined by Jennifer Ginsberg, a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. While most men have already heard about the “3-second-rule” and the “3 circles of sobriety”… they typically have not revisited these circles since being in early recovery. In this episode, Jennifer and I redefine sobriety so that it can be maintained for decades. Too often, sex addicts set up a recovery plan that is unsustainable. It either gets boring or becomes ineffective. Recovery needs to be mentally stimulating, enjoyable, and evolving. A boring recovery is a dangerous recovery. If you want to get in touch with Jennifer, visit her website here: https://theintimacyclinic.org/ If you are a high-achiever, executive, or entrepreneur looking for a recovery group full of like-minded men, visit my website here: www.successfuladdict.com

Most guys want this to end at some point. The time spent in groups, therapy, couples therapy, couples groups… It's a lot. And, I see why guys feel like their life is being consumed by recovery work. The good news is that you will be able to tone down the number of hours spent each week. However, you will likely always have a few hours each week dedicated to continued growth and maintenance. The guys I know who stayed in good recovery… stayed in good recovery. Meaning that they still see their therapist once a month, and they still attend their recovery groups once a week. Why? Because it’s not worth the risk of divorce. No guy means to relapse. It just happens. But, every guy who relapsed will tell you the same thing… “I stopped going to my groups and stopped seeing my therapist… and eventually I made a bad decision in a weak moment.” And, just like that… they find themselves splitting their assets and seeing their kids 50% of the time. Recovery is a lifestyle, and this podcast episode will explain how you can practice it. If you are ready for a recovery group that focuses on self-mastery rather than sobriety, head to our website: successfuladdict.com We provide high-achievers, business professionals, and entrepreneurs with a recovery mastermind full of like-minded men. Together, you can accelerate your recovery by having the other men see what you cannot see on your own.

Matthew and Joanna Raabsmith join me on this episode to talk about how to create a thriving marriage after infidelity. There’s a ton of information out there about sex addiction recovery and betrayal trauma. But, what about thriving on the other side? None of us gets into recovery just to have a mediocre relationship filled with triggers, a lack of safety, and arguments.  You want to THRIVE! This episode will help you and your partner get there. Matt and Joanna Raabsmith are inspirational leaders in the betrayal healing space. Their work has helped thousands of couples heal from the damage caused by sex and porn addiction. In this episode, we talk about how couples can transition from crisis to thriving. Here are the Free resources for couples provided by Matthew and Joanna: raabsmithteam.com/free.  You can find their book here on Amazon: link to their book  Go here for more info about the Renewing Us Program: https://raabsmithteam.com/renewingus  If you’re a high-achiever, executive, or entrepreneur looking for a recovery group designed specifically for successful men with sex addiction, visit my website here for more info: successfuladdict.com

What is “good recovery,” and how do you know if you’re doing it? It’s a question that most guys often ask themselves. Which is unfortunate, because I feel like this is something that should be very well-defined. Yes, recovery is specific to each person. However, there are well-established practices and treatment strategies that we know work for everyone. I’ve developed this checklist to help you determine if you are in “good recovery.” Use this link to get the checklist: https://successfuladdict.com/goodrecovery If you’re married, print it out and give it to your wife. She wants to build safety and trust. A good recovery plan will help you get there

Working with high-achievers and entrepreneurs, there are definite differences between these men and the general population. These differences require a unique approach when it comes to sex addiction recovery. Sex addiction is a process addiction, meaning that guys have become addicted to thought processes. To recover, men need to discover what thought processes they have become addicted to. For successful men, these thought processes are generally not as sexual as you might think. Typically, high performers are drawn to respect, admiration, accomplishment, and superiority. While great traits for becoming financially successful… they can cause problems in relationships. Daniel Gowan, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, and I talk about our experience working with high-achievers and how their recovery will need to look different. If you are a high-achiever struggling with sex or porn addiction and you are looking for a group of like-minded men to recovery with, visit our website here: www.successfuladdict.comIf you live in Texas and are interested in working with Daniel or one of his therapists at D2 Counseling, you can follow the link here: https://d2counseling.com/