217. How to Tolerate Anxiety During Estrangement

Did you know that intentionally tolerating anxiety can help you make clearer decisions, and even find moments of joy, during an unwanted estrangement from your adult child(ren)?  In this useful episode, Reconnection Club host Tina Gilbertson talks about the importance (and practicality) of tolerating anxiety when facing estrangement from adult children. Tina explains how anxiety comes from our own thoughts and feelings, not just from what happens to us. She shares five practical steps to help parents manage anxiety so it doesn't influence important decisions during estrangement. You'll hear why it's helpful to separate the urge to soothe anxiety from the desire to reconnect with your estranged adult child(ren). In a nutshell, contacting them out of anxiety can lead to regret. That's why Tina encourages parents to focus on calming their anxiety first, through both top-down and bottom-up techniques that help them relax. By managing anxiety, rejected parents can think more clearly and make better choices about how to respond -- rather than react -- to their adult children's estrangement. Finally, Tina reminds listeners that there will be times when they feel calm, and it's important to use those moments to learn, plan, and even enjoy life. For evidence-based information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Follow us on Instagram. EPISODE LINKS: https://directory.traumahealing.org https://www.polyvagalinstitute.org/whatispolyvagaltheory https://hakomiinstitute.com/about/what-is-hakomi Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 144: What's Your Strategy? [https://reconnectionclub.com/144] Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 97: The Road Map to Reconnection, Part 1 [https://reconnectionclub.com/97] Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them [ https://amzn.to/2Zbc0S2 ] Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 69: It's OK to Enjoy Yourself During Estrangement [https://reconnectionclub.com/69]

You feel it when your estranged (or formerly estranged) adult child is in the room. The conversation is surface-level. You second-guess everything. You remind yourself, "I have to be careful." "Walking on eggshells" is a common experience for parents of estranged adult children, especially during the reconciliation phase of estrangement. Parents might not know exactly why their child became distant, but they want to keep it from happening again.  Some parents feel afraid of making their child angry. They desperately want to avoid conflict, even while wishing for more closeness. They're caught between fear and longing. Almost all parents feel awkward after estrangement, as they embrace different skills and behaviors for the first time. The journey from "conscious incompetence" to "conscious competence" and beyond, can be long. Ongoing tension can be expected after estrangement, in the context of your personal history. And there may be no getting around that walking-on-eggshells feeling for a while. But parents who can recognize, understand, and tolerate it might have an easier time. EPISODE LINKS: Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 132: Self-Care for Parents of Estranged Adult Children Therapist directories... https://traumatherapistnetwork.com https://www.psychologytoday.com https://www.goodtherapy.org For evidence-based information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Follow us on Instagram.

You haven't heard from your adult child lately, but they weren't doing well the last time you did hear from them. Or maybe you've heard they're okay, but you can't get an answer to a text. You wonder if they've blocked you. You're afraid of becoming more and more estranged. Whatever the circumstances surrounding your adult child's silence (or hostility), it might feel like a face-to-face meeting would be a good option. So you're tempted to show up on their doorstep and ask them to talk. In this important episode, host Tina Gilbertson offers her thoughts on the agonizing question, "Should I or shouldn't I?" She shares a recording of her response to this question from a past Q&A call, and reflects on whether her reply would be different today. Don't make travel plans until you listen. For evidence-based information and effective ways to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Follow The Reconnection Club on Instagram

In this thoughtful episode, host Tina Gilbertson gently encourages parents to embrace their own humanity while recognizing the shared struggles of their estranged adult children. She cautions against the polarizing views that often define parent-adult child estrangement, pitting parents and children against each other. By emphasizing the shared struggles and vulnerabilities within these groups, Tina invites listeners to reconsider unhelpful attitudes that lead to further pain and division. She suggests there's little to be gained in claiming moral high ground in these relationships. Instead of assigning blame, Tina emphasizes the importance of acknowledging the humanity in one another. This compassionate perspective encourages both parents and estranged adult children to recognize their common experiences of hurt, longing, and misunderstanding. Acknowledging these feelings can pave the way for healing and connection. For evidence-based information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Follow us on Instagram. EPISODE LINKS: Tiny Habits by BJ Fogg Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 204: Causes of Connection

For parents unwillingly estranged from your adult child or children during the holiday season, host Tina Gilbertson and members of the Reconnection Club community want you to know you're not alone. If estrangement is casting a shadow over the holidays for you this year, there's someone else who knows what it's like. This special holiday episode, originally aired on December 16th, 2024, came directly from the hearts and minds of unwillingly estranged parents. In their own words, with their own voices, they shared personal messages of compassion, solidarity, and commitment to a better tomorrow. Download and listen to this very special episode in your podcast player app before it expires on December 29, 2025. Episodes never expire from the Reconnection Club website. Find any episode on our site by typing the episode number after "Reconnectionclub.com" and then "/" like this: "Reconnectionclub.com/213" For more holiday-related resources from the Reconnection Club, check out these materials: RCP Episode 107: Staying Present In Their Absence Practice Slow Breathing BEFORE the Holidays Inviting Estranged Adult Children Home For the Holidays RCP Episode 69: It's OK to Enjoy Yourself During Estrangement Make a Detailed Plan to Get Through Special Days Getting Through Christmas For much more about how to deal with estrangement from your adult child(ren) throughout the year, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

In this insightful episode of the podcast, host Tina Gilbertson delves into the often-overlooked truth about reconnecting with estranged adult children: Emotional connection always starts with ourselves. For parents struggling with the pain of estrangement, Tina examines why emotional disconnect may be the norm in our society. She explains how many of us turn away from ourselves starting at an early age, and offers a step toward self-connection -- stressing that the journey to heal relationships involves not only reaching out, but turning within. For evidence-based information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Follow us on Instagram. EPISODE LINKS: Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them

In this eye-opening (and ultimately uplifting) episode, psychotherapist Tina Gilbertson unpacks the often-overlooked reality of reconciliation between parents and their estranged adult children. While reconnecting might seem like a joyful resolution, it can leave many parents less than happy. They may still feel unfulfilled, and even heartbroken. Tina reveals how pain from the past -- e.g., unmet needs and emotional injuries -- can resurface during estrangement and reconciliation, making the experience of reconnecting far more complex than anticipated. This episode is essential for any parent navigating the rocky terrain of estrangement and reconciliation, offering insights that can spark healing and understanding in the journey ahead. Tune in for a compassionate exploration of these deep emotional currents. For evidence-based information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Follow us on Instagram. EPISODE LINKS: Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 202: A Reconnection Story

Many parents of estranged adult children find themselves constantly staying busy and never pausing to rest. Others find it impossible to muster any motivation at all. Withdrawing, numbing out, struggling with perfectionism or people-pleasing… These may all be signs of nervous system dysregulation, and the simple need to know we're valuable and lovable. This episode features an audio excerpt from host Tina Gilbertson's interview with Australian author and mindfulness coach Kate James. Kate identifies four hidden ways that not feeling good enough can manifest in behavior. She ties particular patterns to the Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn responses of the nervous system. Listen to Kate lay it out and Tina summarize in this interesting and helpful episode. Listeners can find the link to Kate's original article below. For evidence-based information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Follow us on Instagram. EPISODE LINKS: https://insighttimer.com/katejames https://totalbalance.com.au/not-feeling-good-enough/ Tina's interview with Kate in the Reconnection Club 

When estranged adult children don't share their reasons for going no-contact, parents can be forgiven for making assumptions. Some assumptions can be helpful, and even somewhat soothing. But far more often during unwanted estrangement from adult children, assumptions made by parents make them feel powerless. Here are a few examples: My adult child's partner doesn't like me. My adult child is holding a grudge about something in the past. My adult child has a mental illness. My adult child didn't accept my written apology, and that's why they're still silent. Any of those could be true. But then again, they could also be false. Or irrelevant to the estrangement. In this thought-provoking episode, host Tina Gilbertson presents three separate statements from estranged parents, highlighting the assumptions they contain, and explaining why they're problematic. Next, she provides four simple questions we can ask when assumptions make us feel worse about ourselves or our situation. And lastly, she encourages listeners to focus on what they know, which is their own experience. For evidence-based information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Follow us on Instagram. EPISODE LINKS: Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 160: Emotional Reasoning

When adult children go "no contact" with parents, in some cases it's because of an overdrawn emotional bank account between them. In this thought-provoking episode, host Tina Gilbertson explains the workings of your relationship bank account with your estranged adult child(ren) -- including examples of emotional deposits and withdrawals. Not every rejected parent has an overdrawn emotional account with their estranged adult child. But if the balance between you is in question at all, this episode will help you make a plan to set things right. For much more information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Follow us on Instagram. EPISODE LINKS: Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 199. Validation: What, Why, How and When General Discussion Forum (Reconnection Club members only)