Discover Your Values - Parenting Advice

Ask Rachel anything“My husband is highly critical of the teenagers, gets angry over little things and yells, so I’m having to make up for his behavior, and I often avoid involving him in parenting decisions."This message came into my Substack. It was a plaintiff request for support and a plea to know how others deal with the problem. When I posted it (with her permission), a flood of parents said, “This is my life too.”If you're dealing with high conflict in your home, whether with your teens or your partner, then this is the episode for you. Conflict navigation specialist, mediator, and divorce coach Masha Rusanov helps us to unpack what really sits behind high‑conflict dynamics at home—especially when one parent is emotionally dysregulated, highly critical, or reactive.She says: 'We don’t choose our conflicts.We repeat them.Until we change the pattern."Link to my write-up on the topicIn our conversation we explore:Why we repeat the same painful conflict patterns (and how to start changing them)Masha’s simple but powerful Exhale–Explore–Engage framework you can use in the heat of the momentPractical scripts and tools (EAR and BIFF) for navigating a high‑conflict partnerHow to protect your children emotionally, set boundaries, and avoid parentifying themWays to talk to your kids honestly about what’s happening—without overburdening themIf you’ve ever found yourself “making up” for a partner’s behaviour, or trying to keep things calm so your teens feel safe, this conversation is for you.Masha RusanovRepatterned BookREMINDER: Please don't stay in a situation that is potentially dangerous. This is the national domestic abuse helpline for the UK, but you will likely have one in your country if you're listening somewhere else.Spotting the signsIs your partner jealous and possessive?Is he charming one minute and abusive the next?Does he tell you what to wear, where to go, who to see?Does he constantly put you down?Does he play mind games and make you doubt your judgment?Does he control your money, or make sure you are dependent on him for everyday things?Does he pressure you to have sex when you don’t want to?Are you starting to walk on eggshells to avoid making him angry?Does he control your access to medicine, devicSupport the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.comFind me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything“Is my son secretly being taught to hate women?”If you’ve ever heard your boy casually repeat a line from Andrew Tate… seen him disappear into his room with his phone… or wondered what on earth he’s absorbing on TikTok and YouTube, this episode is for you. The manosphere is grooming boys to believe women are the enemy—and most parents don’t even realise it’s happening. In this conversation, I’m joined by teacher and author of Unmasking the Manosphere, Matt Pinkett to unpack how these ideas hook our sons, how they show up at home and in school, and—most importantly—how you can respond without shutting your boy down or pushing him further into that world.Toolkit: Checklist of How to Talk to Your BoysMatt PinkettConflict resolution skillsLooksmaxxingOriginal Manosphere episodeTalking to your teen about pornographyThe expert on talking about pornographySupport the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.comFind me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingIt's exam season and so important to keep a steady ship with all of the stress in the house. I thought it would be a great time to interrupt my youngest, Amelia, for an honest chat about what she sees as both good and bad strategies for supporting teenagers through exams, and homework; particularly those with dyslexia and ADHD. We wanted to give parents hope, an honest insight into how bumpy the road can become, and how long it can take to figure out what the best way of supporting your teen will be.Over the past six months at her new college, Amelia has really found her feet and feels motivated to work very hard. This is helped enormously by feeling she matters to friends, loving the college she is at, and receiving proper ADHD support and intervention. She shares her previous struggles with homework and motivation, attributing it to a lack of emphasis on academics and being placed in less academically focused classes, but also made clear how important it is to take time to understand underlying issues rather than assuming laziness. Amelia advises against nagging, focusing on long-term goals, and providing structure without micromanaging. Listen to the end to hear Amelia's important, very spontaneous, message for all parents listening to this podcast. As usual, my girls prefer not to be on camera, so this is an audio-only episode.Read my thoughts about our discussion hereOTHER EPISODES:Helping kids with exam nervesTips for parenting through the pressure of examsTrust your kidsBoys who’re apathetic about study and examsWhy school exam systems need to changeHow anxiety works and what we can doSupport the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.comFind me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingWhen taking phones at night turns into a power struggleOne of the hardest things about parenting teenagers is that the battles that matter most often happen at exactly the moment we have the least capacity to deal with them.A mum wrote to me about the nightly struggle over handing in her 13-year-old daughter’s phone. She’s exhausted by bedtime. Her daughter pushes back, calls her dad, and suddenly what should be a simple boundary becomes a negotiation, then a row. We’ve all got to the point where we’re exhausted and can’t keep our calm. It’s an extreme situation, but I think it highlights something many parents will recognise: when we’re depleted, even sensible rules can become very hard to hold.Subscribers to my Substack get access to all of the past bonus episodesTop tips from this episodeRules, consequences and the teen who doesn't seem to care. Reducing friction using the magic of routineFix your teen's sleepCreate rules that work: ChecklistStudy on sleepSupport the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.comFind me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingSo many parents of teens quietly worry that they’re “failing” — not doing enough, not staying calm enough, not getting the outcomes they hoped for. This episode is an invitation to step off that perfectionist treadmill. Instead of parenting for perfect grades, perfect behavior, or perfect choices, we explore how to parent for connection: building daily rituals of togetherness, modeling honest self-care, and using compassionate self-talk so your teen can develop a kinder inner voice too. You’ll hear practical ways to show your child they’re loved for who they are, not what they achieve, and how that shift can transform the atmosphere in your home.Click here for a list of ways to connect that make all the differenceContact Ronnie Vehemente:Mood AdvisorRonnie is the founder of The Family Room www.familyroomla.com, a unique psychotherapy practice, focused on the challenges of parenting, marriage & family life. Ronnie has 30 years of experience counseling children, teens, new mothers, parents, couples and families. She graduated from Columbia University School of Social work. Ronnie is an advisor to Mood.org, bringing her deep understanding of teen psychology. The mission of Mood is to put free, fast, and effective mental health tools in the hands of EVERY tween and teen—building skills and resilience through content they want to engage with.Support the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.comFind me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingWhen parenting teens through their first experience of love and attraction it can bring up a lot of feelings we thought we'd neatly packed away; the intensity of that first crush, the humiliation of not being chosen, the heartbreak that felt like it would swallow us whole. As a parent trying to support our kids through it can be tricky because our teens’ first love stories can collide with our own unfinished ones.In this episode of Teenagers Untangled, I’m joined by professor Lisa Phillips, author of First Love: Guiding Teens Through Relationships and Heartbreak. We explore the complex world of teen behavior surrounding first love and heartbreak. Understanding how our teens express their feelings and the challenges they face can really help us to communicate with them. We talk about:Why parents often feel a spike in distress when their teen starts datingHow crushes, “situationships” and breakups affect the developing teenage brainThe difference between healthy intensity and unhealthy enmeshmentHow to support both boys and girls in talking about their feelings, not just their “results”What it means to parent in a world of social media, online porn, nonchalance and lonelinessHow to show up for LGBTQ+ and questioning teens when their identities don’t fit the “straight story”Why consent can’t be a tick‑box talk, and how to navigate the grey areas with our kidsWhat healthy support after a breakup actually looks and sounds likeIf your child is anywhere on the spectrum from secret crush to serious relationship, this conversation will help you understand what’s happening beneath the surface. My hope is that it gives you language, courage and compassion to walk alongside them, rather than dismissing it as “just drama” or trying to shut it all down.Because for our teens, first love isn’t practice. It’s real, it’s formative, and it leaves a lasting imprint. How we respond now can teach them not only how to survive their first heartbreak, but how to love and be loved for the rest of their lives.Previous interview with my own daughter, PhoebeTips from this showContact Lisa Phillips:[email protected] A. Phillips, author of the new book, First Love: Guiding Teens through Relationships and Heartbreak, has written about relationships, mental health, and teens for the New York Times, the Washington Post, Longreads,Support the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.comFind me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingA listener parenting a teen son wrote to say both of them felt pretty stunned when he was rejected from the university he'd set his heart on. She asked for the best way to help our teenagers cope with this sort of disappointment. I thought it was a great question and a good opportunity to also look at how we parents can best navigate when our teen has worked for years toward a dream - a top university place, exam results, a team, a part - and it doesn’t happen. The disappointment can feel earth‑shattering for them and gut‑wrenching for you.In this episode I talk with Dr Dominique Thompson, award‑winning GP and young people’s mental health expert, about how to support teenagers through big disappointments such as university rejection, exam failure, and missed opportunities – without rescuing them or minimising their feelings.We explore:What teens are actually grieving when things go wrong – including the loss of an imagined futureHow to validate their emotions while gently stopping catastrophic thinkingThe difference between building resilience and teaching kids to suppress their feelingsWhy today’s culture of perfectionism and “being the best” is driving anxiety, burnout and fear of failureHow to help teens separate self‑worth from grades, offers and achievementsPractical ways to prepare teens for university life, academic stress and independenceWhen dropping out isn’t the only option – how to press pause, get help and return strongerWhat to do if your teen feels “left behind” while friends move on to university or big opportunitiesHow parents can be a “safe harbour”: supportive, boundaried, and not adding their own disappointment to their teen’s loadIf you’re a parent wondering how to respond when your child says, “I’ve failed you,” or “There’s no point trying,” this conversation will give you concrete language, mindset shifts and step‑by‑step strategies to help them cope, reframe, and find a new path forward.Dr Dominique Thompson: is a multi-award winning former GP, young people's mental health expert, TEDx speaker, author and educator, with over two decades of NHS clinical experience.She is author of The Student Wellbeing Series for young people, and co-author of How to Grow a Grown Up (PenguinRandomHouse) for [email protected] https://www.instagram.com/drdomthompson/https://www.facebook.com/drdomthompson/https://www.linkedin.com/in/dominique-thompson/Support the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.comFind me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingKnowing your values helps in parenting tweens and teens because our communication with our teenagers is based on a solid foundation. If we know why we think something matters we have clearer discussions about their behaviour and why we emphasise certain things. We're also less fragile when our teens push back and want to challenge our ideas. Often they have the same values but are coming at them from a different angle. Knowing our values helps us to find compromise. A previous episode about valuesLink to my values exercises on SubstackThe two games mentioned:Ransom NotesHitster, if you haven’t already got this game it’s fantasticWe also love Taskmaster and Monopoly Deal, which is addictiveSupport the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.comFind me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingParenting teen boys wrote three years ago asking us to discuss how we can talk to boys about influential online figures like Andrew Tate. The 'bros' act both as an inspiration to achieve great things, and a lightning rod for disgruntled men who blame feminism for their ills and cheer on his particular form of aggressive misogyny.Now that Louis Theroux has shone a light on the Manosphere in his latest Netflix documentary I thought it important to dust off this old episode because the information is far more detailed, and useful for parents of tweens and teens. Whether the words Red Pill, Matrix, and Manosphere have any particular meaning for you, they are having an increasing impact on the environment our boys are growing up in. It's up to us as parents to help our boys unpack what they're hearing and sift the diamonds from the dirt. My research into the topic has highlighted an urgent need to be talking with our sons about their dreams, and how we can support them in discovering role models who show what it is to be a successful man, without needing to humiliate and destroy other people.   Click here for tips and advice from the episode:Avoid silencing your teen, even if you disagree with what they say. It's vital that they are given the chance to talk about what they're thinking so that you can have proper discussions about it. Telling them they are wrong won't help them think about the issues.Focus the discussion on what is really attractive to them about the messages they are hearing, and help them to differentiate between the positive and the dangerously negative.Unpick the words the boys use and be clear about anything that is sexist, racist, etc and why that's an issue. Remember, they are building their identity and they're allowed to make mistakes along the way.  Don't shame them.Arm yourself with real facts. If they tell you something that they've heard online help them to go to real sources, rather than simply listening to someone who has an agenda and wants to get lots of clicks.Don't just focus on Tate, he's only one of the people espousing this thinking.Potential role models: Look for men in your own community firstGreg James Mark Lewis: https://www.marklewis.co.uk/Novak Djokovic https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=867mtHTsaDoStephen Bartlett - Diary of a CEO (Business) His podcast has lots of successful men being interviewed.KSI, Beta Squad, Sidemen, Mr Beast, Chris MD. Bear Grylls - Chief ScoutSupport the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.comFind me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingListen to past Big Hug Cafe Community Catch-Ups: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.comSend me your questions:[email protected] the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.comFind me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk