141: Success: What really shapes who we become and are parents that important?

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?What really shapes success — nature, nurture, luck? It's a perennial question. The Family Dynamic is a brilliant, captivating exploration of families in which all of the children became high-achievers. The award-winning author, Susan Dominus, has woven academic research into a book of wonderfully engaging family stories that tease out the role played by our environment: Parents with a bold vision, community, neighbourhoods, and most enlightening of all siblings. If you’ve ever questioned how important your parenting really is, the impact of siblings on your child's life, the role of community, or whether our kids should do chores, this is a conversation you won’t want to miss.THE BOOK: The Family Dynamic by Susan DominusCONTACT DETAILS:Website: Susan P Dominus at susanpdominus.comInstagram: @Sue DominusBlue Sky: Susan DominusFacebook: She remains active and friendly on FacebookAdditionally, the New York Times Magazine.SIBLINGS: Based on Susan Dominus's research, siblings play a crucial role in a child's success through several key mechanisms:Motivational Influence👉Siblings can inspire and push each other to achieve moreKnowledge Transfer👉Successful older siblings often provide guidance about opportunities like college applications and career paths. They can offer vision and perspective that parents might not have.Spillover Effect👉In lower-income families, the success of one sibling can positively impact younger siblings. When one child achieves, it can create a pathway and belief system for other siblingsMentorship👉Children are more likely to listen to and be inspired by siblings than parental suggestionsRole Modelling👉Siblings provide each other with an idea of what's possible.In all, the research suggests that if we can encourage healthy, supportive sibling relationships they can have a lasting, empowering impact on the future of the whole family.If you would like to know more about how to set siblings up to have a supportive relationship I also recommend episode 124: Enduring sibling relationships.Support the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?When I asked listeners for their questions one stood out as a worthy of almost an entire episode: 'What does it take to respect people around you, especially your parents?'There's so much that could be said on this topic that it think I might give it a deeper dive at some point, but the insight from my teens was very interesting nonetheless.Artificial Intelligence is everywhere in the news, but what I don't see is a coherent approach across education. Again, it's an area that the sector is struggling to grasp, without clear leadership from the top. I thought it worth getting a snapshot of what's it's like from a teen point of view.Finally, a comment on LinkedIn by Liam McGuire made me stop and think about the concept of Toxic Femininitiy, and why we aren't labelling and discussing certain behaviour by females in the same way that we do when it comes to men. The upsurge in girls being obsessed with skin care routines, and content from Only Fans leaching into general social media, should surely give us cause to stop and ask why the people peddling this stuff are getting away without being questioned and shamed for their behaviour. If you'd like support in creating rules and consequences that are based on respect,and that actually work, here's a link to the episode and my blog on the topic:EPISODE:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/videos/32-consequences-and-the-teen-who-doesnt-seem-to-care/BLOG: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/whats-going-on-when-our-boundaries-and-consequences-dont-seem-to-work/I'd LOVE to know what you think about the topics we discuss in this episode, or any other questions and topics you would like us to cover. Please email your thoughts to me, Rachel, at [email protected] the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?In this episode my teens, Phoebe and Amelia, joined me in the studio to help answer some questions emailed in by listeners, and sent to me on social media. We kick off by chatting about exploring their identity and what they think is the key to gettting them out of their bedrooms.*So sorry about the quality of the audio on their microphones. I do everything on my own so I haven't yet perfected having to manage the sound on two people, and don't yet have the editing skills to fix the issues in post-production.QUESTIONS:1: My 14 year old is such a lovely, talented and kind girl. She had lovely friends, and she's very sweet and kind towards them all the time. Exclamation mark, now when she is in a foul mood, I'm the first and only person she takes out her anger and frustration on. Can you shed some light on this scenario for me?  2: I have a 13 year old girl who belongs to one of those large friend groups you discussed on one of the podcasts. Many times she feels left out if she does not get invited to something, I try my best speaking with her and letting her make her own choices on how she handles her feelings. Sometimes I really have the urge to call the other mum who is hosting a group of girls and ask her for help, tell her what's going on. How it sucks to feel left out. I've never called anyone because I want to teach my daughter than life, there were, will be many times like this, and you have to learn to deal with those feelings. And I don't want to be a helicopter mom. Am I doing the right thing?3: Could you talk about starting secondary school? Can you remember what it was like?Support the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?So many parents feel a deep loss when their teenager begins to separate from them; staying in their room and behaving as if the person they used to adore is the most embarassing thing they have ever witnessed. In today's episode I brought in Anita Cleare, author of How to Get Your Teenager Out of Their Bedroom, to discuss the challenges of parenting teenagers.In her book she covers the key things that drive adolescents to push against us:1.      Separation – from the family2.      Autonomy – taking control of their own lives and decisions.3.      Individuation – defining themselves and their unique identity.4.      Assimilation – learning to fit in as a member of their society. And the six common thinking traps parents fall into.Overgeneralising – we reach a negative conclusion based on just one incident.Catastrophic thinking – tends to involve worrying way into the future. Parents especially prone to this thinking trap when we identify additional factors which seem to add weight to our catastrophic thoughts.Should/Shouldn’t – usually happens when our expectations are not met. My teen should know better by now, they’re x years old, they should be able to remember simple instructions.Mind reading – we assume we know what’s going on in our teen’s mind without asking them. Comparisonitis – If your teen is truly struggling with their self-esteem or mental health, even simple everday event like turning up to watch a sports match knowing that theyour tene is at home because they can’t face it can set off heart-breaking comparisons. It’s all about me! – we want our efforts to be recognised and appreciated, which when it comes to teens, is a bit of a problem. Teens are deeply self-absorbed and trying to separate from you to become independent. We explored how we parents can better manage ourselves - and our own expectations - so that we can build emotionally supportive connections with our teens which will encourage them to come out of their room.  Anita highlights the significance of phones and gaming in teenagers' lives, suggesting strategies to manage screen time and maintain positive relationships. We also addressed the importance of recognizing that bad behaviour can be hiding low moods. What to look for and how to provide a supportive environment.ANITA CLEARE:https://anitacleare.co.uk/BOOK:How to Get Your Teenager Out of Their Bedroom by Anita CleareSupport the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?In psychology, the term "identity" is most commonly used to describe the distinctive qualities or traits that make an individual unique. Identities are strongly associated with self-esteem, and individuality and - for a teenager - forming their identity is a crucial job. It's been over two years since I created the first episode looking at the topic of identity formation. In this episode I have pulled material from the orginal discussion, and brought in Susie to revisit the topic so we can discuss what we have learned during our parenting journeys.One of the key issues we discuss is the importance of being flexible and not fixing a child's identity, so they have room to develop and grow. We can help this by supporting their teens' self-worth and personal growth; having open discussions about perceptions and roles. BOOKS:Inventing Ourselves; The Secret Life of the Teenage Brain by Sarah Jayne BlakemoreHis Dark Materials - Phillip PullmanHow to Raise a Healthy Gamer - Dr Alok KanojiaRESOURCES:Identityhttps://www.choosingtherapy.com/identity-crisis/https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/who-am-i-identity-crisis.htmhttps://aspiroadventure.com/blog/why-is-teen-identity-development-important/#:~:text=Identity%20formation%20in%20teens%20is,most%20of%20their%20adult%20life.The 8 stages of development Eric Ericson: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYCBdZLCDBQ&t=28sSupport the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?I grew up believing in a meritocracy; with hard work - and government funding of my university education - I eventually escaped a difficult home and poor schooling to succeed in journalism.  But times have moved on, and the reality now is that getting a university education is no longer the gateway it used to be. In fact, according to generational expert and historian, Dr Eliza Filby, our life chances and opportunities are no longer shaped by what we learn or earn but by whether we have access to the Bank of Mum and Dad. She says, we’re living in an Inheritocracy, where parental support is what matters most, and Western society is beginning to shift more towards an Asian model of family reciprocity. This is definitely what I found when I researched my episode on whether teens should pay rent. There's been a quiet revolution of multiple generations now living under one roof because it makes more sense than casting our young into a world in which things have changed so dramatically.RELEVANT EPISODE:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-styles-that-enable-teens-to-grow-into-capable-adults-1/DR ELIZA FILBY:https://www.elizafilby.com/https://www.instagram.com/dr_eliza_filby/https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCS82Ka2wcPerdEGx6Z1d1eAhttps://www.amazon.co.uk/Inheritocracy-Should-Talk-about-Bank/dp/1785908588/ref=sr_1_1?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.aFtkjtdKIWYZQUwxEK8p5vmrfiov9IVFwcGxhrbE3bA.EY2LeRMRlEqIxdqf1NZed1ZZIgBSqtu8XNlMv5uGPhQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=inheritocracy&qid=1715590848&sr=8-1Support the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?The mini-series, Adolescence, is a global hit, topping Netflix charts in 71 countries and amassing 24.3 million views in its first four days. It's sparked a global conversation about parenting, masculinity, and the impact of social media on young people. It's brilliance rests on holding up a mirror to everyone in society, showing us the complex factors that cause toxic ideas to take root.  When I started this podcast I set out to create somewhere that is a safe space for us parents to explore the challenges we face, judgement free. The links below are all referenced in the episode offering tools to think about, and unpack, our own parenting and how best to connect with and support our own kids.BLOG: What to think about before handing your child a phone: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/mobile-phones-social-media-and-online-access-what-i-would-do-if-i-had-my-teens-or-tweens-again/BOOK: When you lose it by Roxy and Gaye LongworthEPISODES:Screen time: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/screen-time-for-tweens-and-teens-the-latest-on-what-works-and-what-doesnt/Andrew Tate and the manosphere:  https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/role-models-andrew-tate-misogyny-red-pills-and-the-manosphere/Sexting and nudes: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-4-protecting-your-tweenteen-from-doing-something-illegal-with-their-phone-camera-aka-sexting-also-how-and-why-you-might-give-your-teen-an-allowance/Porn culture: episode https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/pornography-why-talking-to-your-teen-about-it-is-more-important-now-than-its-ever-been-and-great/Andrew Hampton interview: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/114-friendships-frenemies-and-boy-banter-parenting-our-teens-through-the-relationship-pitfalls/Masculinity vaccinations: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/98-boys-emotions-masculinity-vaccinations-and-online-influencers/Talking with boys: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/masculinity-and-positive-ways-of-supporting-our-teenage-boys-an-interview-with-mike-nicholson-from/Bigorexia and bodybuilding: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/feeding-your-teen-control-issues-and-bigorexia/Looksmaxxing: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/112-boys-looks-and-masculinity-on-social-media-the-hard-and-soft-of-looksmaxxing/Staying connected: (second part of this episode) https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/2-alcohol-how-to-discuss-it-and-staying-connected-should-we-be-letting-our-teenagers-drink-and-w/Male friendships and the masculine mask:  https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/boy-friendships-and-supporting-our-sons-in-fSupport the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?Twenty years ago The Times asked young people in Britain a series of questions. The new Millenials gave answers which showed that the majority thought the UK was forward-looking and tolerant; they were proud to be British.This year that same survey - this time asking Gen Z - has brought in radically different results.48 per cent thought that Britain is a racist country, compared with 36 per cent who did not, and only 11 per cent said they would fight for Britain. In fact, 41 per cent said there were no circumstances in which they would take up arms for their countryThis caught my eye, because I've been reading about the sharp rise in cynicism across many societies. What's particularly fascinating is that the opinions of people, when asked in research aimed at trying to understand cynicism, seem to be far less extreme and more peaceful, than we generally believe them to be.So the question is, are we too cynical, and what can we parents do to help our kids feel more hope about the intentions of others and the world in general?It's a very tricky subject, with lots of opportunities to offend, so do try to listen to the episode with the spirit in which it is intended. The Times poll: https://www.thetimes.com/uk/society/article/generation-z-survey-young-people-britain-ld076s8qrBooks referenced:Hope for Cynics by Dr Jamil ZakiCynical Theories: How Activist Scholarship Made Everything about Race, Gender, and Identity--And Why This Harms Everybody by Helen Pluckrose and James LindsayUseful episodes for blended families with a newborn:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/1-your-parenting-toolbox-and-tidy-teen-rooms-rummaging-in-your-toolbox-and-how-you-get-your-teena/https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/differing-parenting-styles-and-future-careers-parenting-together-when-you-cant-agree-on-a-parenti/https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/manners-parenting-to-help-teens-succeed-in-life-by-teaching-the-importance-of-good-manners/https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/29-step-children-coping-and-thriving-with-a-blended-family/https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/123-avoid-parenting-burnout-and-troublesome-chore-charts-with-this-simple-method-an-interview-with/Support the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?Empty nest syndrome is real, and can be very painful to navigate. I've already discussed it with Susie, including ideas for how we can manage our feelings in a positive way to help us move on. https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/empty-nest-how-to-cope-when-your-teen-moves-out-also-manners-what-are-they-and-what-should-we-te/But are we looking at it in the wrong way? Change management specialist, Hanna Bankier, hates the term empty nest because it has such negative connotations. 'How can the nest be empty if I'm still in it?'She encourages us mothers to take a pro-active approach to that next stage of life by planning ahead from as early as when our kids turn tween and teen. In this discussion, Hanna helps us think differently about this life stage, explains the key mistakes we make and which areas need focus, and how to plan for the nest stage of our life in a really positive, life-affirming way.Hanna's top five tips:Start early: Begin preparing for this transition during your child's teenage years by gradually shifting your parenting style from hands-on to mentorship.Create a personal plan: Map out your own identity and interests beyond motherhood. Use Hannah's exercise of drawing a circle with your name in the center and identifying activities that energize you.Build a supportive community: Cultivate female friendships and join groups or activities that interest you. These connections are crucial for emotional support and personal growth.Communicate openly with your child: Have honest conversations about how your relationship will evolve, setting expectations and creating a new dynamic as they become independent adults.Embrace the joy of this new chapter: Recognize that this is not an ending, but a new beginning. Celebrate your success in raising an independent child and look forward to the opportunities ahead for both of you.The key is to view this transition as a positive opportunity for personal growth and rediscovery, rather than a loss.Free tool:https://www.birdylauncher.com/freeofferHanna Bankier:https://www.birdylauncher.com/Support the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk

What do you think of this episode? Do you have any topics you'd like me to cover?Another day another newspaper headline that says young people aren't working.According to the Financial Times newspaper, 13.4 per cent of people in the United Kingdon in the 16 to 24 age group were not in employment education or training - “NEET” - at the end of last year.The ONS figures showed a higher rate of young men outside work or training, with 14.4 per cent of 16- to 24-year-olds classed as NEET compared with 12.3 per cent of young women. and mental health issues seem to be a rising factor. This podcast is all about helping parents see a way through the maze of problems, rather than dwelling in it, so in this episode I decided to put the figures in context and look at what we parents can do to ensure our kids a way to play a meaningful role in society.PWC Report:https://www.pwc.co.uk/economic-services/assets/youth-employment-index-2024.pdfThe World Economic Forum - Future of Jobs Report 2025What employers consider to be core skills for the workforce:1: Analytical thinking2: Resilience, flexibility and agility3: Leadership and social influence4: Creative thinking5: Motivation and self-awareness6: Technological literacy7: Empathy8: Active listeningSupport the showThank you so much for your support. Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:www.teenagersuntangled.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:www.amindful-life.co.uk