Why Don’t We Ever Talk About What We Actually Want in Bed?

A deep dive into one of the most consistent findings from our survey of over 1,000 married Christians: couples who can talk openly about sex report dramatically higher satisfaction than those who can't. Check out the show notes here for more details and links.In this episode, we cover:Why so many couples stay silent about what they actually want in bedThe communication gap: satisfaction scores by comfort level across manual sex, oral sex, and mutual masturbationWho is actually talking — and how many couples are stuck wanting to but don't know howWhat openly discussing preferences actually does to sexual satisfactionWhy the gender picture is more surprising than you'd expectWhy the silence persists — and how it calcifies over time A note on couples who don't discuss it and are doing fine anywayHow to start the conversation if you've been sitting on something unsaidFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss topics like this with other married Christians, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful champions!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info. Even $5/month makes a difference!Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating and leave us a review. They help others know this is a good resource for their marriage. You managed to find us; help someone else do the same.

SWM — Sex as Worship: Pornography, Erotica and AI Companions. Check out the blog post here for more details and links. Pornography and erotica have become ubiquitous and socially normalized, and AI “companions” are increasingly marketed as hyper-sexual substitutes. These offer the appeal of intimacy without risk—no rejection, responsibility or vulnerability—yet they train desire away from real people and covenant relationships. God designed intimacy for embodied, vulnerable union within marriage (Genesis 2:24–25; “to know” as in Genesis 4:1). In the “Sex as Worship” framework, aligning with God’s design is worship; deviations declare that we know better. Scripture shows God’s insistence on real relationships, not images or illusions (Exodus 20:4–6). Marriage pictures Christ and His church (Ephesians 5:31–32), and the incarnation underscores embodied presence (John 1:14). Substitutes like porn, erotica and AI reject that design (Romans 1:25). Practically, these fantasies retrain desire through novelty-driven dopamine, dulling normal arousal and escalating content. They reduce relationship satisfaction, weaken empathy, and increase objectification by orienting desire around control, not mutual love. They soothe loneliness without healing it, and intensify conflict avoidance—eroding skills vital to intimacy. Common rationalizations fall short: “It’s better than cheating,” “It’s just a character,” “It helps me cope,” “My spouse doesn’t meet my needs,” “Everyone does it,” “You’re sex-negative,” or “I can separate fantasy from reality.” In reality, formation happens; what captures your brain shapes your life. Relief isn’t healing, and avoidance entrenches wounds. If you’ve been using these, stop and seek accountability. Share with your spouse if possible, involve a pastor/elder or coach, and retrain desire toward your spouse. Neuroplasticity means change is possible; meditate on what is true, noble, pure and lovely (Philippians 4:8). Healing aims at presence, covenant, and embodied love. You were made for more than illusion. Fantasy promises intimacy without pain; only reality delivers intimacy with meaning. God’s design is harder and riskier—but far more satisfying. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum. Thank you to all our faithful supporters! If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info. Even $5/month makes a difference. Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us—help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 155 - Hookup Culture - When You Take Relationship Out of Sex. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.We live in a world that has learned to separate what God never divided.Hookup culture is the next stage of sex stripped of meaning - where bodies meet, but no one truly connects.I’m continuing this series exploring how, when we remove aspects of God’s intent for sex, we end up with all the examples of sexual immorality we see in our world.Last time, I tackled what removing covenant from sex gets you: sex before marriage, and the fallout from that choice.Today, we’re going to push that even further and look at hookup culture. At first glance it might seem like sex before marriage taken to the next level - but that expansion comes with new problems.This isn’t just the removal of covenant - it’s the removal of the relationship itself.Links in this podcast episode:Marriage CoachingSpeak at an event or churchFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info. Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 154 - Sex before marriage - when you remove covenant from intimacy. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.In my last episode, I talked about how sex is an act of worship because having sex, the way God intended, gives worth to Him. It honours what He created by using it as He intended.However, our society is doing its best to invert that by taking away elements of God’s plan so as to distort sex. To make it not something that’s worship and creative, but rather destructive to ourselves, to each other, and to society as a whole.So, today we’re going to explore sex outside of marriage, or what happens when you remove the covenant from sexual intimacy.And to be clear, the legal status of the relationship is not the big problem here. It’s the intentional lifelong monogamous commitment to each other. Arguably, many marriages in the Bible are considered marriages simply because they had sex. However, sex is meant to seal a covenant, not substitute for one.Links in this podcast episode:Marriage CoachingSpeak at an event or churchArticle as a PDF (without mention of UncoveringIntimacy.comPodcast mp3Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info. Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 153 - Sex as an act of worship. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.The other night, after my wife and I had sex, we were lying there in that sweaty, happy pile you end up in when the oxytocin kicks in. As I often do, I asked her what she was thinking about. She’ll tell you I probably ask that too often, because I’m endlessly curious about what’s going on in her head.Her answer surprised me. She said, “Sex is an act of worship.”I asked her to explain, and she said, “Well, everything we do should be for God. And since you’re the head of the household, just as Christ is the head of the church, then giving myself to you, serving you in this way, is like serving Christ.”That surprised me. I mean, I’ve taught before that sex is about more than physical release - that it’s for procreation, for bonding, for comfort, for recreation, even for warding off temptation. But I don’t think I’ve ever described it quite this way: as an act of worship.So let’s unpack that. What does it mean that sex - sweaty, messy, joyful sex - could actually be worship of the God who created it?Links in this podcast episode:Marriage CoachingFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info. Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

June - August 2025 Questions from our anonymous Have A Question page. Check out the show notes here for more details and links.In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:My wife’s nightclothes are killing my attractionIs using a vibrator wrong?How do I get my husband to initiate sex?Need something to spice up our sex lifeHow does scent factor into spouse selectionRecovery after pregnancyIs using classical conditioning on your spouse wrong?How do I keep myself from becoming distant from my husband? How can I talk to my husband about oral sex?Here are the links I mentioned during the podcast:Have a Question (form)Join the supporter's forum (donate)Manual Sex & Masturbation SurveyBecoming More Sexually Engaged (webinar)Why masturbation is a problem whether you're married or single (blog)Sexploration ListMarriage CoachingFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful champions!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info. Even $5/month makes a difference!Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review. They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 150 - Control, sex and marriage. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.Last month, I watched a great video by Gary Thomas and his wife Lisa on how a controlling spirit can harm a marriage. It got me thinking: In Christian circles, we often struggle to define the difference between healthy leadership and damaging control—both in marriage and in our relationship with God.Why is it that surrendering to God is seen as good, but demanding control from a spouse is harmful? The key, I believe, is consent and love. When surrender is freely given and motivated by love, it can bring freedom and joy. But when control is forced, it leads to resentment and broken trust.In this post, I’m sharing some personal stories and lessons we’ve learned about navigating these tricky dynamics in marriage.Links in this podcast episode:Gary Thomas - Substack - A controlling spirit can devestate a marriageSWM 108 - What does the Bible say about hell?Sexual Frequency - Why I don't worry anymoreBecoming More Sexually Engaged Course - For Christian WivesSexy Photos Course - For Christian WivesBecoming More Sexually Engaged Course - For Christian WivesFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.