#109: How to Navigate Valentine's Day

Bear with us through the first six minutes of this episode - not sure exactly what kind of point we are making as we talk, but also wasn't sure how to trim it out and for the rest to make sense, so I left it as is.   Oftentimes in early and mid-recovery, husbands try to find comfort (of some kind) in her, whether via physical touch, words of affirmation, words of validation, physical proximity, time together, sex, etc. This is rooted in a common belief that husbands share: she still has a responsibility to meet some of my needs in the marriage. We talk about this common (and mistaken) belief, common misconceptions and in the next episode, we will walk through a rubric for men to use. We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. Registration is OPEN for the next Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX. The workshop is April 24-26. Click here for all the details and to register. We have officially opened registration for the May RLW Retreat to the interest list. Next week, we will open registration to the public. You can click here for all the details. If you are interested in a couples conference/event, we would love for you to let us know by filling out this quick form. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups - there are three new groups starting in April.  You can snag all the details here. Same with 1:1 Coaching - if you are curious about 1:1 coaching - start here. Anchored, led by Kate Jones, is SOLD OUT.  It is a fantastic class, and if you are interested in taking this class in the future, join the WaitLIst here.  No stress, it WILL come back! We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team.   For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. Pocast Freebies can be found here. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites :redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

In this episode, we discuss how to engage empathetically when she is hurting.  The key is:  he HAS to integrate empathy in the day-to-day.    Jason unpacks three principles to help men be more empathetic with her:   Principle #1 - He can't turn on empathy in the hard moments alone. Instead, it's developing the character trait of empathy:  being loving, tender, compassionate as a way of life.   Principle #2 - He has to engage her pain outside the moment (stay connected to it), so that when the moment arises (when she is in pain), empathy is already there.   Practical ways to do this:     #1 - Intentionally think about the pain she has experienced.   #2 - Three questions he asks: What does she feel? What do I feel for her? In light of where I am at today, how do I feel about myself and what I did in that situation? Principle #3 - Hard moments can't be the only time that she has a window into how he feels for her.  He has to show up in the small moments (as well as the big moments).  What this means:  he has to bring it up.   We decided to break this recording into a part 1 and part 2 - we will be back next week with the continuation. We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. The next Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX is in April. Join the WaitList for the April workshop. Registration opens MONDAY, March 2nd. The May RLW Retreat is right around the corner! Join the waitlist here to be the first to know when registration opens. If you are interested in a couples conference/event, we would love for you to let us know by filling out this quick form. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups - there are two new groups starting in March and several more starting in April.  You can snag all the details here. Same with 1:1 Coaching - if you are curious about 1:1 coaching - start here. Anchored, led by Kate Jones, is SOLD OUT.  It is a fantastic class, and if you are interested in taking this class in the future, join the WaitLIst here.  No stress, it WILL come back! We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team.   For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. Pocast Freebies can be found here. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

In this episode, we talk about important questions women ask in the latter part of mid-recovery, while healing from sexual betrayal.  Keep in mind in the latter part of mid-recovery (mouth. ful.) for women, there is a lot of internal processing going on - rhetorical questions, existential questions, continued how and why questions pertaining to grief.   Here is what the podcast listener asked (same podcast listener as episode #108 - One Bad Decision Away):   - Can I give my patched-up heart back to him? - Is holding back parts of my heart true healing?   Jason and I talked a bit about the stages of recovery, and then I addressed the questions and explained how I would coach her if she came to me with them, with a posture of curiosity.  For instance:   - What are the areas of your heart that you feel you are holding back?   - What do you feel as you hold these parts back?   - What feels best to you right now - to hold back certain parts?  Or no? - Is someone pressuring you to give back all of your heart?   It's so important for women to have space to decide when, where, and how she chooses to give back parts of her heart to him.  I don't want this point to be missed.  In addition, I think it's important for women to allow themselves to be in this "in between", knowing it will continue to evolve.  And it's also okay if what you hold back and what you give back to him ebbs and flows.    We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. The next Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX is in April. Join the WaitList for the next workshop here. If you are interested in a couples conference/event, we would love for you to let us know by filling out this quick form. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups - there are two new groups starting in March and several more starting in April.  You can snag all the details here. Same with 1:1 Coaching - if you are curious about 1:1 coaching - start here. Anchored, led by Kate Jones, is SOLD OUT.  It is a fantastic class, and if you are interested in taking this class in the future, join the WaitLIst here.  No stress, it WILL come back! We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team.   For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. Pocast Freebies can be found here. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

Valentine's Day can be a tender holiday for most women working to heal from sexual betrayal, namely, a painful reminder of what she doesn't have. In this episode, we discuss how to navigate this loaded holiday well, no matter where you are on the healing journey.   What I would love for all women to do is reframe the holiday as an opportunity for her to truly take up her space, practice using her voice, and asking for (and figuring out) what she needs in order to make it a day that works for her. Jason chimed in and challenged men to see it as an opportunity to show her that he will honor her needs and her wants.   So how do we do this exactly?   #1 - Check out page 19 in the Rescued workbook - for the "Four Questions" mentioned in the episode. #2 - We talk about some of the things she might need Valentine's day to be, given it's such a loaded holiday: an ordinary day with no discussion. a galentine's day celebration. a day to grieve: get angry, sad, feel the hurt. a day to be known. #3 - Allow there to be NO pressure on her. Hard stop. This is both for her (and him) to embrace.   Jason's practical strategies for guys:   #1 - No expectations for the day (take it from Jason, as he clearly had expectations from me, as you will hear in this episode, given his resentment!!!). #2 - Hold off on surprises. #3 - Grandiosity is not the answer. #4 - Don't do something that reminds her of his past acting out. #5 - Humble Ownership. #6 - Initiate a conversation about the day. Front-load; expect the conversation could spiral. This is part of the process.   After we stopped recording, I regretted not sharing a couple of other things. Four days later, as I type these show notes, I can't remember what they were. But at the time, they were GOOD thoughts. Hope what we did share is helpful!   We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. For my mother's famous sugar cookie recipe (or possibly the Better Homes and Gardens cookbook recipe, not sure?!) - click on this link, I will include it in the next two {almost} monthly letters, to make sure all of you receive it! If you are interested in a couples conference/event, we would love for you to let us know by filling out this quick form. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups - there are two new groups starting in March!  You can snag all the details here. Same with 1:1 Coaching - if you are curious about 1:1 coaching - start here. Anchored, led by Kate Jones, is SOLD OUT.  It is a fantastic class, and if you are interested in taking this class in the future, join the WaitLIst here.  No stress, it WILL come back! The Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX, is SOLD OUT. Join the WaitList for the next workshop here. We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team.   For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. Podcast Freebies can be found here. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

Hey Guys!   Thanks for joining us today on Redemptive Living Radio, where we talk about healing from intimate betrayal relationally, as well as for women who have to make the choice to heal without him by her side (whether because he won't do the work or because she is done).   In this episode, we discuss a listener question rooted in a comment Jason often makes: "I'm one bad decision away…".  Her question: How do we continue to move forward / go through life with the reality that it could happen again?  (To be clear, "it" being anything from acting out with pornography or affairs or anything and everything in between.)   We start with clarifying Jason's comment (I'm one bad decision away…"). Jason says he doesn't share that to scare anyone, but to stay connected to humility and to the reality that a series of small decisions could lead him back there. We add in a third qualifier pertaining to the default setting being broken.  None of this is an excuse, but rather the reality we are dealing with.  I love it when Jason said,  "It's not a statement of danger.  It's a statement of capability."   We then discuss the second part of the listener's question: how to move forward given this reality.  I'm not going to fully recap it here, which makes it even more important to listen to what we share.  It's important.  But here are the three big things we talk about: his character change and continued growth - SO important. taking our husbands off the pedestal, which certainly cultivates humility in us gals. permission to continue to ask him questions / have convos about what had happened and how he is doing pertaining to integrity. At one point, I reference Genesis 2:21. I have a note to the side: "ribs" from v 21, with the note "close to his heart, under his arm."  And isn't that what each of us desires pertaining to our husbands?  (Oh, how hard this is!!!)   We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. If you are interested in a couples conference/event, we would love for you to let us know by filling out this quick form. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups - there are two new groups starting in March!  You can snag all the details here. Same with 1:1 Coaching - if you are curious about 1:1 coaching, start here. Anchored, led by Kate Jones, is SOLD OUT.  It is a fantastic class, and if you are interested in taking this class in the future, join the WaitLIst here.  No stress, it WILL come back! The Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX, is SOLD OUT. Join the WaitList for the next workshop here. We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team.   For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. Podcast Freebies can be found here. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

Welcome to Part Two of Blocks to Anger!   In part 2 of the episode, we discuss the benefits of anger for both him and her, the root of anger, how to get angry, and the fear of getting stuck in anger.   We jump right in and talk about some of the reasons Anger is so important - not just for HER to express but also for HIM to experience FROM her. If you don't listen to anything else, please listen from 4 to 8 minutes in. So incredibly important for everyone to hear.   Benefits for her: Releases the pain and gets it OUT of her. SO important. Benefits for him: He gets connected to the gravity of the pain. The relationship won't be as susceptible to long-range resentment. Reframing the anger:   It shows us what we value and also what we need to protect (as Jason said, it points us TO something).   It will also help her stand firm, say "no", thus helping us as women find our boundaries. It will motivate her to work toward making things right. HOW does she find the 11/10 anger: Name what is NOT right. Create a space for the expression of it. Have a witness to your anger. We wrap up by talking about getting stuck in anger: We ride the wave when we get angry. We have to do it a couple of times to see if we can do it and move through the cycle (wave). Try it - we can always go back to stuffing our anger, why not try the reverse and get it out, and then reassess. We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. If you are interested in a couples conference/event, we would love for you to let us know by filling out this quick form. Guys, for more information on the February MasterClasses, click here and here; they start next week. Anchored, led by Kate Jones, is SOLD OUT.  It is a fantastic class, and if you are interested in taking this class in the future, join the WaitLIst here.  No stress, it WILL come back! The Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX, is SOLD OUT. Join the WaitList for the next workshop here. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups - there are two new groups starting in March!  You can snag all the details here. We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team.   For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. Podcast Freebies can be found here. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

In this two-part episode series, we are talking about her anger and grief. We start by putting a name to some of the common things that cause her anger and grief to be blocked.   1 - Him doing good quantitative but not so great quantitative work. (Add to this the external validation he might be receiving, which further blocks her from tapping into her anger.) 2 - Childhood vows and how anger was modeled as a child. 3 - Church. 4 - Her being labeled as co-dependent. 5 - Him seen as the victim (struggler, addict, etc.). 6 - Bad recovery work on his part overall. 7 - If the cement hasn't dried yet.   We will be back next week with reframing anger, speaking to the fear of getting stuck in it, and a "how-to" on engaging anger.   We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. Guys, for more information on the February MasterClasses, click here and here. For more on qualitative versus quantitative work, see episode #68 - "What exactly IS good work?" Anchored, led by Kate Jones, is SOLD OUT.  It is a fantastic class, and if you are interested in taking this class in the future, join the WaitLIst here.  No stress, it WILL come back! The Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX, is SOLD OUT. Join the WaitList for the next workshop here. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups in the New Year!  We have several starting, and you can snag all the details here. We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team.   For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. Pocast Freebies can be found here. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

Hey Guys! In this episode, we dive into another listener question (or rather, a series of questions) pertaining to him comparing and criticizing her in his addiction (and oftentimes, well after the addiction has stopped).  We have a more casual conversation about this, so if you like structure, check out the show notes below for some scaffolding.  This is such a GREAT question, and as you will see from our conversation, this is complex, important, and STILL something we both work on. Question #1 - Can a husband help heal his wife's wounds from years of criticism and comparisons to other women?   The quick answer is unequivocally YES.  We return to this in the latter half of the episode. Question #2 - Why does he compare her to other women, in his immaturity and in his addiction?   Some of the reasons include:  To shore up his 3I's - (his criticism of her shores up insecurities in him.) Faulty standard due to a history of sin around sexual integrity. Standards in our culture and our Christian subculture. Projecting. (This is similar to shoring up the 3I's.) For us women, knowing these whys can help us depersonalize comparisons and criticism. Question #3 - How will this ever work?  How will I ever measure up to what he saw? We want to encourage women to be themselves and to NOT change themselves to "be" who they think he is "more" attracted to.  (That is complete nonsense and crazy-making!) Question #4 - The listener also asked - OR, is this primarily the wife's work, to see her value aside from her husband's actions and words? There is grief for us women that it's not even possible to look like what he consumed.  This is a part of our work. We also work toward embracing our uniqueness and who we are, not who we are not. Finding security (and our value) in the right things. We then loop back to the first question: can a husband help heal his wife's wounds from years of criticism and comparisons to other women?  I ask Jason what he did to help me heal from his comparisons and criticisms.  And he shares a lot and talks a lot.  Which I am okay with, I'm just letting you guys know what happens - haha! We end with talking about this real longing for women to feel highly esteemed by him and to be seen as beautiful by him, because of everything she is, not just because of the physical. We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. Anchored, led by Kate Jones, is open for registration.  It is a fantastic class, and you can find all the details here. The Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX, is SOLD OUT. Join the WaitList for the next workshop here. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups in the New Year!  We have several starting, and you can snag all the details here. We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team.   For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. Podcast Freebies can be found here. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

In this episode, we talk about something that is fairly common yet rarely discussed:  when he uses her as a part of his addiction.  I'm listening to the episode right now (as I type the show notes), and I am on edge.  It's an important conversation and also hard to have.  Thanks for being brave and joining us for this episode. I start by sharing how important it is for there to be sexual separation for her early on in the recovery process because we can get so tangled up (as women) when sexual intimacy continues early on in the recovery process, which makes boundaries and coming back to ourselves a challenge.  This is something we, as professionals, need to ask more frequently.  Unfortunately, there is a lot of misguided and outdated information out there stating that once his sexual energy isn't expended outside the marriage, he and she can enjoy that inside the marriage.  This is a problem, as it's simply a transfer of the sexual energy from outside the marriage to inside the marriage, but not in a healthy way.  Jason and I talk through this for the first 20 or so minutes, and then I come back to this question: First Question - How do we know if this is happening in the marriage? Pressure from him to be sexual. Pressure from within herself / Do you (she) feel obligated? If the sexual intimacy feels disconnected from the other forms of intimacy. If she feels objectified, focus on more,  and/or a cavalier attitude around sexual intimacy. 1:1 transfer from the infidelity to the relationship. Second Question - What does she need to work on so that she can set boundaries and create space pertaining to sex in the marriage? Talk to someone about it. Using the 'enough is enough' muscle - we can't save him. Fortitude - strength under pressure. Getting honest about what she is experiencing in her body. See the links below for everything mentioned + more! We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8. I mention Episode #19 (Sexual Abstinence in the Recovery Process), Episode #43 (Pressure to Have Sex) and Episode #80 (The Shame She Experiences). The Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX, is SOLD OUT. Join the WaitList for the next workshop here. Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups in the New Year!  We have several starting, and you can snag all the details here. We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team.   For more information on RL Academy, click here. Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus. Podcast Freebies can be found here. We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop! Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list. Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast