Ep 400 What We Learned From Their Marriage (and Yours)

Marking the 400th episode of Marriage Therapy Radio, Zach takes the mic solo to reflect on eight years of podcasting, lessons from working with couples, and what it really means to be a grownup in your relationship. He shares behind-the-scenes insights from the recent three-part series with the husband and the wife (Ira and Andrea), explaining how their courage and vulnerability helped listeners see that change starts with small, consistent choices. Using their story as a lens, Zach revisits his two-part framework for relationship success: Be a grownup – Show up as your wise, mature self who can manage disappointment, own mistakes, and stay grounded. Do more of what your partner likes (and less of what they don’t). From there, Zach explores the miracle question, a therapeutic exercise that helps couples (and families) imagine what success looks like before it happens, and offers practical advice for navigating Thanksgiving, holidays, and the everyday moments that define marriage. He also reflects on his own reparenting journey through five years of sobriety, the lessons of risk-taking (inspired by watching football and realizing you don’t always have to “punt”), and the idea that “nothing changes if nothing changes.” This heartfelt solo episode blends gratitude, humor, and practical wisdom—a reminder that progress in love and life doesn’t require perfection, just a willingness to keep making your relationship a little better today than it was yesterday. Key Takeaways The two secrets to healthy relationships: Be a grownup. Do more of what your partner likes and less of what they don’t. The “miracle question” – Ask what it would look like if the next season (or even this weekend) went exactly right; use that as your roadmap. Nothing changes if nothing changes – Progress requires choosing differently, again and again. Be intentional with holidays – Set expectations, manage alcohol and boundaries, and choose gratitude. Reparenting is ongoing work – Healing old patterns is part of growing up emotionally and relationally. Change your relationship with risk – Sometimes you don’t need to punt; you can go for it. Better is the goal – Therapy, marriage, and life don’t have to be “all better.” Just better than before. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In their third session, Zach shifts focus from reparenting the self to rebuilding trust, compassion, and connection in real time. The couple begins by reflecting on the chaos of parenting two neurodivergent children and how exhaustion, overwhelm, and constant caregiving have reshaped their marriage. The wife shares that while parenting has deep purpose and spiritual meaning, it also leaves her feeling “brought to her knees.” The husband expresses gratitude for their new home in Lisbon and admiration for her recent self-care efforts—but his words about “having more respect” land in a complicated way. What unfolds next is a layered conversation about respect versus compassion—how differently each experiences and defines those words, and how love can be both abundant and still “not land.” The wife reveals her fear that her “bucket has a hole”—that trauma keeps love from staying inside. The husband wrestles with the feeling of being both compassionate and exhausted. Zach guides them toward clarity: that differences in meaning, experience, and emotional wiring don’t mean disconnection—they’re invitations to co-create a shared vocabulary of care. By the end, the trio lands on a metaphor for healing: building an inner “city with a well and garden”. A healthy place inside the self where gratitude, curiosity, and compassion can grow. From there, they imagine a next step; ten intentional days of small, mutual choices to create a shared sense of safety and hope. Key Takeaways Parenting exposes purpose and pressure – Raising neurodivergent kids has deepened their sense of mission but also stretched their capacity for joy. Respect and compassion can get tangled – The husband’s expression of regained respect triggers the wife’s old shame wounds, revealing how love languages can misfire even when intentions are good. Compassion must land – It’s not about whether compassion exists, but whether it’s experienced and felt. Trauma leaves “holes in the bucket” – The wife describes how past pain can make love hard to hold, even when it’s generously offered. Shame cycles need space – Zach helps her imagine creating a small pause between shame and reaction—a mindful sliver that grows with practice. Safety over sameness – Each partner’s version of health looks different, but the shared goal is to meet in a “healthy place,” not to drag the other toward one definition. Gratitude and agency go together – The husband learns that his peace can’t depend on her choices; it must come from cultivating gratitude within himself. Ten-day goals – They agree to take small, concrete steps—ten days at a time—to make life together a little “more good” and a little “less bad.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In part two of this couple's therapeutic conversation, they deepen their work from surface struggles into childhood roots, body awareness, and self-recovery. The wife describes crashing after the previous session, discovering that missed medication and hormonal shifts had amplified her anxiety. That moment, she says, forced her to confront how fragile she felt—and how much fear lived beneath her irritation and exhaustion. She opens up about being a late-diagnosed autistic woman, her lifelong role as “the feeler,” and the early trauma that shaped her relationship with her body. The husband, in turn, shares the story of his complex, multi-dad upbringing and the formative moment when he finally received consistent love at age five—the same age his wife’s world fell apart. Zach draws a profound connection between those two five-year-olds: one rescued, one wounded. From there, the conversation moves toward reparenting—the practice of showing compassion, guidance, and safety to the parts of ourselves that never got them. They explore how self-care, faith, and embodiment intersect; how sobriety means far more than avoiding alcohol; and how healing requires both personal responsibility and partnership. By the end, Zach offers his distilled “two-part secret” to a healthy marriage. The result is a conversation about growing up inside your own marriage—and learning to parent yourselves, together. Key Takeaways Reparenting heals the roots – Both partners revisit their five-year-old selves to offer compassion, stability, and perspective that was missing the first time. The body is part of the marriage – Hormones, trauma, and neurodivergence live in the body; tending to them is relational work, not self-indulgence. Sobriety expands beyond alcohol – Clarity, honesty, and freedom from distraction are part of becoming emotionally sober. Faith and embodiment can align – The husband reframes yoga and self-care as spiritual practices that connect him to others and to God. Self-care supports connection – The wife recognizes that when she prioritizes herself, she’s better resourced for partnership. Relational recovery is lifelong – True sobriety includes recovery from anger, resentment, and inherited family patterns. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In this experimental therapy-format episode,  Zach meets with a couple, 16 years into marriage, parenting two adopted, neurodivergent kids, and living abroad, to model what real therapeutic work sounds like. The wife names “the mother machine” as the force grinding her down: menopause, recent moves, ongoing renovations, executive-function challenges, and hyper-empathy that makes parenting especially taxing. The husband longs for renewed connection and shared fun, and admits to a lifelong pattern of shelving his own needs while rationally “handling” crises. Zach frames the work around three questions: What do you want?  What’s in the way?  How do we work on what’s in the way? They confront the tempting but flawed idea that “if we fix one partner, we fix the marriage.” With candor and care, they explore grief, desire, changing bodies, and culture-shock; the need for boundaries (including a “pass rule”); and Zach’s three-year relationship cycles lens. The conversation lands on a hopeful truth: you can’t magic back year-one chemistry, but you can adapt, plant new trees, and intentionally build intimacy for the season you’re in. Key Takeaways Name the real obstacle, not the scapegoat “Fixing” one partner doesn’t fix a marriage; the work is defining what you want, what’s in the way, and tackling those obstacles together. The “mother machine” is realMenopause, moves, neurodivergent parenting, and hyper-empathy create sustained overwhelm that crowds out self-care and couple time. Grief and expectation both live here The husband grieves the imagined dad life (beach, bikes, sailing) and asks for shared play and energy; the wife wants legitimacy for how hard this season truly is. Three-year cycles require adaptation Long-term relationships evolve in cycles; thriving couples re-design intentionally every few years instead of coasting on year-one dynamics. Body autonomy and shame need careful handling The wife resists any narrative that her body must change to make the marriage “work,” naming past control and current shame as triggers. Patterns under pressure The husband tends to detach feelings, get hyper-rational, and become the “sacrificial lamb”; the wife over-identifies with others’ feelings and floods. Celebrate the 52% while tending the rest Zach urges maximizing what’s working now, rather than only grieving what isn’t, especially in harder seasons. Containers beat loops Without structure, they “circle” the same arguments. Boundaried conversations and the “pass rule” create safety and traction. Guest InfoSixteen years married, parenting two adopted, neurodivergent kids, and navigating major life transitions abroad. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach sits down with Kimberly Crossman, actor, writer, and mental health advocate, and Tom Walsh, cinematographer and creative producer, for a deeply honest and inspiring conversation about love, loss, and partnership across continents.The couple, who split their time between Los Angeles and New Zealand, share how they’ve learned to stay connected while traveling constantly, navigating pregnancy, sobriety, and creative careers. Kim opens up about her journey through depression, anxiety, and miscarriage, while Tom reflects on his own path to sobriety and emotional growth. Together, they’ve built a relationship grounded in curiosity, compassion, and the shared belief that love, like art, is something you keep creating.They talk about running a production company together, how they manage conflict as opposites, and why celebrating small rituals, like handwritten notes and monthly anniversaries, keeps them grounded even when life feels uncertain.Key Takeaways Connection through consistency - Daily check-ins, “good morning” and “good night” messages, and humor help them stay close despite long-distance stretches. Mental health awareness strengthens love - Kim’s diagnosis of high-functioning depression in 2019 opened the door to deeper empathy and communication between them. Sobriety is shared growth - Tom’s decision to get sober after years of travel and industry burnout reshaped their relationship; Kim joined him in solidarity and clarity. Creativity is their glue - Their shared passion for storytelling and visual art fuels both their work and their emotional connection. Rituals of love matter - Monthly anniversary cards, dinners, and handwritten notes give their relationship structure and playfulness. Conflict reveals care - They’re learning to balance different conflict styles: her need for words and connection versus his need for space and calm. Loss leads to perspective  - Their experience with miscarriage deepened their empathy, patience, and gratitude as they prepare for parenthood. Guest InfoKimberly CrossmanInstagram: @kimcrossmanKimberly is a New Zealand–born actor, writer, and mental health advocate known for her work on screen and her candid conversations about emotional wellness. Tom WalshInstagram: @the__tomwalshTom is a cinematographer, director, and creative producer with over two decades of experience in film and television.  Together, Kim and Tom co-run a production company focused on storytelling for small businesses, social campaigns, and documentaries. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach sits down with Mike and Kim Anderson, coaches and founders of Blended Family Breakthrough https://www.blendedfamilybreakthrough.com/ , to talk about one of the hardest relationship challenges couples face, making a blended family work. After marrying in 2001, Mike and Kim found themselves struggling to balance parenting roles, discipline, and loyalty in a home that combined Kim’s daughter from a previous marriage with their two biological children. What began as love quickly became a crash course in blended family dynamics, emotional triggers, and communication breakdowns. Now, through their coaching practice and podcast, they help other couples avoid the painful mistakes they made. They share key principles like “connection before correction,” learning how to define shared values, and understanding the emotional traps that can divide couples, like the trapped teammate and stranded stranger dynamics. This episode offers a roadmap for couples trying to bring unity, clarity, and compassion to blended family life. Connection before correction - Step-parents should focus on building trust and emotional connection before taking on discipline. Parent from partnership - Couples must agree on shared values and expectations before implementing household rules. The “trapped teammate” dynamic - Bio parents often feel torn between loyalty to their child and loyalty to their spouse. The “stranded stranger” dynamic - Step-parents may feel like outsiders in their own home when bonds between bio parent and child are strong. Define shared values clearly - The same word (like “respect”) can mean different things to each partner; clarity prevents conflict. Bio parents lead discipline - Children accept correction better when it comes from the parent they already trust. Hope is part of the process - Healing and harmony take time, but strong remarriages can model healthy relationships for the next generation. Founders of Blended Family Breakthrough https://www.blendedfamilybreakthrough.com/ , Mike and Kim are coaches, authors, and hosts of the Blended Family Breakthrough Podcast https://www.blendedfamilybreakthrough.com/podcast. Drawing from their own challenges and victories, they help couples strengthen their marriages, unite as parents, and build thriving blended families. Key TakeawaysGuest InfoMike and Kim Anderson Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach sits down with Susan and Tim Bratton, a couple who’ve been together for 35 years and built both a marriage and a business dedicated to helping others experience more fulfilling intimacy. Susan, an internationally recognized intimacy expert, and Tim, her husband and business partner, open up about how their marriage nearly ended before they discovered that great sex and great connection are learnable skills. They discuss their journey from obligation and misunderstanding to joy, exploration, and deep emotional safety. The Brattons talk about how they schedule what they call “erotic play dates,” why they prefer honesty over comfort, and how they use curiosity, compassion, and skill-building to keep passion alive after three decades together. This conversation challenges cultural assumptions about monogamy, sex, and communication, offering a look into what’s possible when a couple commits to lifelong learning. Not just about each other, but about love itself. Key Takeaways Intimacy is learnable – Susan and Tim discovered that sexual fulfillment is a skill that can be developed through education, communication, and practice. From duty to desire – Their first decade of marriage was marked by obligation and frustration until they learned how to reconnect through experimentation and pleasure. Erotic play dates – Scheduling intimacy takes pressure off “performance” and creates time for exploration and connection. Radical honesty builds safety – They credit transparency, even when uncomfortable, as the foundation of their long-term trust and growth. Know your relationship values – Understanding what each partner truly wants (for Tim: passion and fun; for Susan: safety and honesty) changed everything about how they relate. Sex evolves with skill – They emphasize that pleasure pathways are infinite—what worked last time may not work today, and that’s part of the adventure. Growth mindset saves marriages – When something wasn’t working, they didn’t give up—they learned, experimented, and grew together. Guest Info Susan and Tim BrattonSusan Bratton is an intimacy expert, author, and educator who’s helped millions of people transform their relationships and sex lives through her books and programs, including Relationship Magic. She publishes at BetterLover.com and teaches techniques for building trust, pleasure, and passion. Tim Bratton is her husband and business partner—the technical and operational lead behind their digital platforms and newsletter. Together, they run a team that supports their mission to make sexual wellness and education accessible, shame-free, and actionable for couples around the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach talks with Mike and Caroline Neubauer, the husband-and-wife team behind Our Family Invests. From meeting on a Maui beach to building a life of real estate success, family adventure, and deep purpose, their story is equal parts romance, resilience, and intentional design. Mike, a former firefighter turned real estate investor, and Caroline, a realtor and hospitality professional, share how they built financial freedom through smart investing while keeping their marriage and family at the center. They discuss parenting their nine-year-old son, Nico, navigating caregiving for aging parents with dementia, and learning that true success means doing what you love, without sacrificing connection. Throughout the conversation, Mike and Caroline reflect on their evolution as a couple, from best friends to business partners to co-hosts of a podcast inspiring entrepreneurial families to thrive together. Key Takeaways A shared “why” fuels success - Their marriage and business are driven by a mutual vision: creating freedom and impact as a family. Communication is non-negotiable - They schedule time to talk, align on goals, and revisit priorities regularly through “coffee dates.” Boundaries bring balance - Clear work hours, shared calendars, and family rituals like Fun Fridays keep life joyful and grounded. Roles evolve, but the mission stays the same - Each knows their strengths: Mike leads investing, Caroline manages transactions, and they pivot as needed. Caregiving changes perspective - Supporting Caroline’s parents through dementia taught them patience, teamwork, and the value of living in the moment. Success without sacrifice - They refuse to chase money at the expense of harmony, choosing family and purpose first. Grace and growth go hand in hand - They remind couples that no one is “100% all the time,” and giving grace during hard seasons keeps love steady. Guest Info Mike & Caroline NeubauerFounders of Our Family Invests, Mike and Caroline are real estate investors, podcast hosts, and parents living on Maui. Through their show and community, they share insights on financial freedom, marriage, and raising a family rooted in values. Their podcast spotlights entrepreneurial couples who are redefining success without losing sight of what matters most. website - https://ourfamilyinvests.com/ instagram - https://www.instagram.com/OurFamilyInvests  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach talks with Brian and Toby, partners of 13 years, and dads of two daughters. They share openly about parenting, building a household on their own terms, and how their marriage has evolved through different phases, from dating in Manhattan to raising a family in Brooklyn. Brian and Toby talk about splitting household roles, setting expectations, and creating rules that bring freedom instead of friction. They also share how growing up gay shaped their ability to design a marriage without traditional templates, why openness and honesty fuel their intimacy, and how they balance parenting with maintaining fun and connection. Key Takeaways Parenting in phases – From toddlers to elementary-aged kids, parenting shifts from hands-on care to emotional presence, and Brian and Toby embrace each new stage. Custom rules reduce conflict – Alternating mornings, dividing domains like kitchen and bedtime, and setting an “11 a.m. rule” help keep household harmony. Gay marriage breaks the mold – Without pressure to follow traditional timelines, they built their relationship with more freedom and intentionality. From secrecy to openness – Their open marriage evolved from “don’t ask, don’t tell” to full transparency, deepening their trust and intimacy. Compersion in practice – They highlight how celebrating a partner’s happiness, whether in rest, personal pursuits, or relationships, can fuel closeness. Shared values of planning and fun – Their natural organization and commitment to joy give their family structure and spontaneity in equal measure. Guest Info BrianCo-host of the Dads and Daddies podcast. TobyExecutive producer and co-founder of an animation production studio. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach sits down with Jennifer and Andres, co-founders of Those Coffee People, to share the remarkable story of how travel, serendipity, and coffee brought them together. Jennifer, originally from Connecticut, and Andres, a Colombian with family roots in coffee farming, met in a hostel in Peru and quickly discovered they were better together. What started as a whirlwind travel romance became a shared mission: bridging cultures through specialty coffee. They talk about navigating cross-cultural challenges, balancing Jennifer’s impatience with Andres’ laid-back style, and learning how to turn conflict into connection. Their company, Those Coffee People, isn’t just about beans—it’s about creating bridges between Colombia’s coffee growers and global markets, while also building a marriage grounded in respect, humor, and shared vision. Key Takeaways The “one cup” theory is real – Jennifer insists every non-coffee drinker has one specialty cup that changes their mind about coffee. Love was brewed in travel – Their relationship began in Peru, where they jokingly staged a “first wedding” with a tinfoil ring. Cross-cultural marriage brings both gifts and challenges – Jennifer’s directness and impatience balance Andres’ laid-back, community-oriented approach. Writing helps repair – Andres often follows up arguments with written reflections and plans, which Jennifer appreciates. Business as a love story – Those Coffee People grew out of their passion for connecting cultures and building something they could do together. Vision for the future – Coffee is their “first child,” but they hope to grow their company, raise a family, and expand their impact in Colombia and beyond. Guest Info Jennifer & Andres: Co-founders of Those Coffee People, Jennifer and Andres export specialty Colombian coffee to roasters around the world. Based in Medellín, they combine Jennifer’s global business background with Andres’ family heritage in coffee to create bridges between farmers and international markets. Their story is as much about love and cultural exchange as it is about coffee. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices