Ep 390 From Betrayal to Building True Intimacy with Matthew & Joanna Raabsmith

Zach sits down with Matthew and Joanna Raabsmith, co-founders of the RaabSmith Team, to talk about their journey from betrayal and addiction to building a thriving marriage and coaching practice. They share candidly about Matthew’s struggles with sex addiction and pornography, Joanna’s experience of betrayal trauma, and the long process of stabilizing their relationship. What began as survival slowly transformed into something deeper, thanks to radical honesty, acceptance, and the development of their “Pyramid of Intimacy,” which helps couples rebuild step by step from honesty to safety, trust, vulnerability, and finally intimacy. Now leading a team of couples who help other couples, Matthew and Joanna demonstrate that it’s possible not only to recover, but to thrive—turning personal pain into a pathway for others. Key Takeaways Addiction doesn’t define the whole story - Matthew explains how accepting his past, rather than hiding it, became the turning point toward freedom and connection. Betrayal trauma is real - Joanna describes how deception and secrecy shattered her sense of safety, and why naming betrayal trauma was key to healing. Honesty is the foundation - Their “Pyramid of Intimacy” begins with honesty, because trust and connection can’t exist without it. Recovery takes time and practice - Small, consistent acts of honesty, even about little things, helped restore safety and rebuild intimacy. Second chances can be stronger - Their “second ‘I do’” is richer and more meaningful than the first, because it’s grounded in truth and intentionality. Purpose, passion, and play fuel intimacy - They emphasize that thriving couples cultivate not just survival, but shared joy and adventure. Guest Info Matthew and Joanna RaabSmithFounders of the RaabSmith Team, Matthew and Joanna are authors, speakers, and coaches specializing in betrayal recovery and intimacy building. Their book Building True Intimacy outlines their Pyramid of Intimacy framework. Together, they lead a team of couples who have walked through betrayal and now help others find honesty, healing, and deeper connection. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach takes the mic by himself to reflect on pets, parenting, politics, passion, and the practice of relationships. Using his playful “P’s and Q’s” framework, he explores everything from why he doesn’t have the “pet gene” to how parenting young adults is harder and more rewarding than raising little kids. Zach also shares candid thoughts on politics, relational responsibility, and the role of men in advocating for the marginalized. He digs into the meaning of sex, asking the often-overlooked question, “What’s it for?”, and discusses polyamory with new nuance. Along the way, he highlights the importance of practice in relationships, celebrating small wins, and even weaving play into partnership. This episode blends personal storytelling, professional insight, and a call for listener connection, inviting the audience to support the podcast, ask questions, and keep showing up relationally at home and beyond. Key Takeaways Pets & Posts: Zach reflects on not being a “pet person” and his writing project, Stuff I Write. Parenting Young Adults: Letting kids launch is harder than raising them, but seeing them grow into people is profoundly rewarding. Politics & Patriarchy: The current system isn’t relational. Zach urges listeners to focus on how they show up at home and in community, especially men. Purpose of Sex: Asking “what’s it for?” reframes sex as fun, passion, or connection rather than obligation or pressure. Polyamory & Possibility: While not for him, Zach explores polyamory as an expression of expansive love and intentionality. Practice & Play: Relationships get stronger through practice, celebrating small successes, and through playful traditions like Iron Chef dinners. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach sits down with writer and relationship coach Matthew Fray https://matthewfray.com/, author of "This Is How Your Marriage Ends", and his partner, Jen. Together, they share the story of how their friendship over bourbon turned into a deeper relationship, shaped by lessons learned from past marriages and the blind spots that can quietly erode trust. Matt opens up about how regret from his first marriage fuels his vigilance against repeating old patterns, while Jen explains why she trusted him enough to take a second chance on love. Their candid reflections on ADHD, planning differences, and emotional expression highlight how self-awareness, humility, and accountability create space for a resilient partnership. Zach guides the conversation toward practical insights—why blind spots matter, how humility differs from humiliation, and how relational “paper cuts” can accumulate if couples ignore them. The episode offers a powerful reminder that love after divorce isn’t just possible—it can be stronger when both partners commit to learning and growth. Key Takeaways Blind spots are the silent killers – Most people aren’t malicious in relationships, but their unexamined habits can unintentionally harm trust. Humility protects intimacy – Owning your limitations (like ADHD or defensiveness) allows space for growth without shame. Grace and patience matter – Jen emphasizes that knowing Matt’s challenges means choosing him with them, not in spite of them. Reciprocity in needs – Emotional connection for her and physical intimacy for him form a circle of mutual investment. Coldness vs. stoicism – Jen reflects on how upbringing shaped her emotional availability, and how she works on showing warmth more consistently. Shared values anchor them – A “writer’s brain,” moral compass, and mutual respect form the foundation for long-term confidence in the relationship. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach sits down with Greg and Rachel Denning, parents of seven, world travelers, authors, and coaches who have built a marriage around adventure and intentional living. They share how their story began with adoption, grew through unexpected pregnancies, and expanded into a lifestyle of global travel and immersion experiences for their kids. From living on a shoestring in Nicaragua with six children to now leading retreats, writing books, and running The Extraordinary Family Life Podcast, Greg and Rachel open up about the lessons they’ve learned through risk, resilience, and imagination. With candor and humor, they reflect on the importance of listening, navigating differences in intimacy, and approaching both marriage and travel as a hero’s journey, one that transforms you with every challenge and every chapter. Key Takeaways Adventure as a family philosophy – Travel and immersion became their way to educate, bond, and expand imagination. Cycles and chapters – They’ve lived their marriage in 1–3 year “chapters” of babies, moves, and big shifts, embracing change as part of the design. Rock bottom became a turning point – Running out of money in Nicaragua forced them to commit fully to creating their own path forward. Focus creates reality – Greg learned that “where the head goes, the body follows”, what you focus on is what you feel and create. Listening transforms intimacy – Rachel taught Greg how to listen without fixing, which became a cornerstone of their connection. Balancing needs in sex and love – Rachel reframed physical intimacy as a reciprocal need, equal to emotional connection, deepening their bond. Marriage as a hero’s journey – Just like travel, marriage is an adventure through unknowns, challenges, and transformation. Guest Info Greg DenningCoach, author of The Formidable Family Man, and co-host of The Extraordinary Family Life Podcast, Greg helps men step into their roles as protectors, providers, and present partners. His coaching and writing distill the principles that guided his own transformation. Rachel DenningCo-host of The Extraordinary Family Life Podcast, Rachel is a writer, speaker, and mother of seven who brings wisdom on adventure, family design, and emotional growth. Her candid stories and practical tools empower women to embrace both courage and connection. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach talks with Casey and Mike about their journey from young professionals in Washington, D.C., to building a life together in Seattle. Along the way, they share how floating homes, career shifts, parenting two kids, and Casey’s sobriety journey shaped their marriage. Casey opens up about her decades-long relationship with alcohol, the turning points that led her to become a sober coach and podcast host, and how her choice changed not only her own life but the dynamic of her marriage. Mike reflects on what it meant to support her while maintaining his own relationship with drinking, and together they show how honesty, evolution, and mutual respect allow a couple to grow stronger, even when the path takes unexpected turns. Key Takeaways Sobriety reshapes relationships: Casey’s choice to stop drinking created more peace, presence, and honesty at home. Support without judgment: Mike respected Casey’s journey without imposing his own agenda, allowing space for growth. Evolution is part of marriage: Both acknowledge that partners change over time, and embracing that evolution is key to a long-term connection. New rhythms bring deeper peace: The shift from late nights with wine to quieter, intentional time together restored balance and joy. Self-advocacy matters: Casey learned to prioritize her own needs through retreats, friendships, and self-care, which strengthened the partnership. Guest Info Casey Davidson Casey is a sober coach and host of the Hello Someday Podcast, where she helps women reevaluate their relationship with alcohol and discover the freedom and joy of an alcohol-free life. Her coaching practice and programs focus on empowering women, especially busy professionals and moms, to make sustainable changes with compassion and practical tools. Mike Davidson Mike is a longtime educator and coach, currently serving as a middle school principal and varsity coach. His steady perspective and quiet support provided balance as Casey moved through her sobriety journey, while he continues to focus on teaching, mentoring, and family life. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach talks with Sarah Rhoades and her boyfriend Grady, a young couple navigating the first year of their relationship. They share how a chance meeting at Grady’s backyard open mic, where he held a microphone for Sarah’s banjo, turned into an unexpected connection built on shared values, openness, and adventure. Sarah and Grady reflect on blending friend groups, learning from divorced parents, and building a “tree trunk” foundation strong enough to handle differences in interests. They discuss the balance between independence and togetherness, the role of transparency, and their approach to the looming challenge of Sarah heading to college. With humor and thoughtfulness, they explore what it means to be intentional about connection, no matter your age. Shared values beat shared hobbies: They connect on deeper principles and character rather than just liking the same activities. Integration matters: Early on, they made intentional efforts to include each other in separate friend groups, creating a unified social circle. Independence strengthens the unit: Inspired by Sarah’s grandparents, they value being able to live individual lives while staying connected as a couple. Radical honesty as a reaction to secrecy: Grady’s experience with passive-aggressive family dynamics led him to favor openness and directness. Parents notice the positive impact: Both sets of parents appreciate how the relationship brings out the best in them. Facing change together: They’re preparing for the shift when Sarah leaves for college, focusing on communication and balance over fear. Resisting cultural shortcuts: Despite living in a hookup culture, they see commitment as natural once you find the right person. Sarah RhoadesA recent high school graduate and musician, Sarah plays banjo and values independence, adventure, and intentional connection. GradyA high school senior who runs a backyard open mic, Grady brings openness, curiosity, and a commitment to honesty into the relationship. Key TakeawaysGuest Info Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach sits down with Billy and Melissa Hofacker, parents of five, homeschoolers, entrepreneurs, and deeply intentional partners. They share how their relationship evolved from survival mode to something they both now call a “ten.” Through structured connection points like weekly date nights and monthly marriage meetings, the Hofackers have built a resilient, emotionally intelligent partnership. Melissa opens up about postpartum struggles and therapy breakthroughs, while Billy shares how a health scare became a wake-up call for spiritual and emotional growth. From their faith journey to Jiu Jitsu metaphors, the Hofackers offer a practical and heartfelt look at what it takes to grow together over decades, not days. Key Takeaways “Ten” doesn’t mean perfect; it means committed: Even with five young kids and busy schedules, Billy and Melissa see their marriage as a ten because of the consistent work and shared mindset they bring to it. Systems build connection: Weekly date nights, monthly family and marriage meetings, and Sunday listening sessions help them stay aligned and emotionally available. Initiating connection is a skill: Melissa learned to lead with vulnerability instead of waiting for Billy to go first, transforming the emotional tone of their marriage. Transformation starts within: Billy’s health scare sparked personal growth that made him a more emotionally present husband and father. Faith goes deeper when life gets harder: Their spiritual path moved beyond habits and routines into intimate, soul-stretching territory, especially in moments of crisis. Jiu Jitsu shaped Billy’s identity: He credits the discipline, humility, and emotional control he learned on the mat with strengthening his role in the marriage. Guest Info Billy Hofacker Entrepreneur, host of the Your Fitness Money Coach podcast, and Brazilian jiu-jitsu black belt, Billy helps service-based business owners grow profitably through yourfitnessmoneycoach.com. His blend of structure, discipline, and humor brings strength to both his work and his marriage. Melissa Hofacker Homeschooling mom of five and Billy’s partner in transformation, Melissa brings spiritual depth, emotional intelligence, and candid reflection. Raised in a pastor’s home, she’s forged a personal path of healing and connection grounded in faith and honesty. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach sits down with his mother Joe and his stepfather Otis to explore their journey from painful pasts to a peaceful present. Joe and Otis reflect on their “practice marriages,” the controlling dynamics they each endured, and the moment they realized they wanted something different. They share how a foundation of friendship, autonomy, and mutual respect became the bedrock of their 25-year relationship. From non-dating to dancing, from beach trips with girlfriends to golf trips alone, Joe and Otis have built a partnership that celebrates individuality and shared joy. You’ll hear about Otis’s journey of temper management, Joe’s reclaiming of personal agency, and the subtle, intentional kindness that keeps their love strong, despite physical pain, aging bodies, and the trials of real life. Key Takeaways There’s life after divorce—and it might be the better lifeBoth Joe and Otis came from long, controlling marriages. Their second partnership, formed later in life, is more respectful, equal, and full of joy. Friendship is the foundationTheir relationship began as school colleagues and friends, then grew over time into something deeper, supported by laughter, shared values, and trust. Kindness is the cornerstoneOtis says the best description of their marriage is that they’ve “learned to be very kind to one another.” The five-minute anger rule worksOtis, who struggled with rage in his youth, now uses a strategy where he’s allowed to be mad for five minutes, then lets it go. Joe even sets a timer. Agency mattersJoe talks about finally being able to “be herself” in this marriage, without fear, control, or pressure. Otis’s calm, non-controlling nature allows her space to thrive. Caregiving is mutual and meaningfulAs they age, they care for each other with intention and grace. Joe says she always knew Otis would take care of her, and she’s glad to do the same. Guest Info JoeZach’s mom. OtisZach’s stepdad and former high school gym teacher. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach sits down with Monica Tanner—coach, podcast host, and author of Bad Marriage Advice—and her husband Ben, a self-proclaimed private “civilian.” Together, they share how their 23-year marriage has evolved from survival mode to a deeply intentional partnership. The conversation moves from parenting young adults to debunking cliché marriage advice like “don’t go to bed angry” and “happy wife, happy life.” Monica opens up about abandonment wounds, anxiety, and the healing that came through personal work and communication. Ben offers a grounded perspective on emotional processing, individual growth, and learning how to show up with humility and humor. Whether you're the fixer or the withdrawer in conflict, this episode offers insight into how couples can grow together by getting curious, staying patient, and prioritizing mutual respect. Key Takeaways Bad marriage advice lingers—until you replace it with something better Monica and Ben describe how the phrase “don’t go to bed angry” caused years of unnecessary distress until they found a compassionate workaround that honored both their needs. Self-work strengthens the marriage Ben emphasizes how personal growth—working on his patience and emotional regulation—helped him become a better partner. Conflict patterns are rooted in the past Monica shares how her abandonment trauma shaped her reactions in marriage, and how learning to identify and express her emotions helped them both grow. Intentionality transformed their relationship A moment of debilitating anxiety marked a turning point for Monica, leading her to redefine how she showed up in her family and marriage. Fun, friendship, and physical activity keep them connected From daily walks to travel adventures, Monica and Ben prioritize shared time, conversation, and experiences as cornerstones of their relationship. Guest Info Monica Tanner Relationship coach, podcast host, and author of the upcoming book Bad Marriage Advice.  https://www.monicatanner.com/  Ben Tanner Entrepreneur. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach connects with listeners Paul and Symone during a road trip break near Austin. Speaking candidly from the front seat of their car, they reflect on their blended family, the nuances of a 20-year age gap, and the emotional work of learning to love each other's children. As Paul and Symone navigate the complexities of second marriages, they share how gardening becomes their safe zone, how compassion becomes their compass, and how front porch conversations turn into moments of healing. With honesty and warmth, they unpack what it means to stay connected—even when it’s hard—and how legacy, curiosity, and forgiveness shape their evolving partnership. Key Takeaways Gardening is their neutral groundPaul and Symone use time in the yard to reconnect, calm conflict, and remind each other they’re on the same team. Blended families are complex and require graceSymone opens up about the challenges of bonding with a stepchild, while Paul reflects on the tension of balancing empathy between partners and exes. Compassion builds connectionThey describe compassion as an effort to understand without assigning blame—a shared value that anchors their relationship. The front porch is for growthOne-on-one talks with Jacob, Paul’s son, often happen on the porch, where Symone finds space to show up as a gentle counselor. Curiosity over certaintyThey agree that leading with curiosity—about each other, their triggers, and their kids—invites growth more than judgment ever could. Guest Info PaulA behavior specialist and elementary school teacher, Paul brings his social-emotional learning work into his family life. SymoneSymone is a school administrator, teacher, and mom navigating the second chapter of marriage with curiosity and intensity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices