From Salam to Soulmate

A lot of my messages lately have been about supporting people to overcome their inner blocks and creating effective strategies so that they can find a wonderful partner for marriage.  But just in case that's not your goal… here are my top tips on how to stay single forever...

Believe it or not, there are some single people out there who have been too busy having zero success in their marriage search to take an hour out of their jam-packed schedule of terribly disappointing 'dates', to check out this training:  www.mamoonyusaf.com/MHMH   

A couple of months ago, I received this email from a sister.  My response will follow. QUESTION:  As Salaam Alykum Mamoon I want to share something with you. I totally understand that as Muslims we sometimes use the word "date" to mean to court and it doesn't mean date in the American context of going out endlessly and become bf/gf. However, there is a huge problem with that.

When you're single, it can seem like a long, never-ending journey - from meeting someone who's not a complete weirdo… all the way through to figuring out whether or not they could be a good life partner, and then deciding whether or not you really want them to be the one you spend the rest of your life with. And unfortunately, generally speaking, advice for Muslims on this is virtually non-existent.  For some mystical reason, Muslims are single, then suddenly get married… but nothing ever happened in between.  

Over the last decade, I've done 1000s of coaching sessions, and a lot of them have been with single Muslims. And during those sessions, I've received 1000's of questions.  Everything from: "How should I respond to this text?" to… "How come this guy isn't getting back to me?" to… "Should I go out with this guy again, or am I just wasting my time?" to… "We're both madly in love, but our parents aren't on board."  

Over the last few years, I've coached and advised many women in their 30s and 40s who are so exasperated on the journey to finding love, that they find themselves in a position where, realistically, if they ever want to have kids, they're going to have to freeze their eggs. This happens for a multitude of reasons, and through absolutely no fault of their own - obviously. And bizarrely enough - this has nothing to do with how attractive they are or whether they're 'marriage material'. I know of several objectively attractive women who are totally ready for love, who are in this situation.

Here's a question I recently got from a client. I've made all the details as vague as possible for privacy purposes. QUESTION:  My sibling and their spouse have been accused of abusive behaviour, and they have several kids who are now facing foster care. My family can't take all of them on, realistically, only a certain number of them. The others have been assigned Muslim foster parents. I feel very guilty about the kids we can't take on ourselves. What should I do?

Quote: "Not even God could sink this ship,"  [Commonly attributed to Captain Edward John Smith of the Titanic]. In the outstanding movie "The Dark Knight", the Joker, played by Heath Ledger, was holding Batman's girlfriend outside the window of a skyscraper. Batman instinctively said, "Let her go." And the Joker responded with the perfect phrase that someone probably should have pointed out to the captain of the Titanic when he claimed that 'even God could not sink this ship'.  The Joker's wisdom?  "Very poor choice of words!"

So said a client of mine from the UK who recently visited us in Morocco, referring to some 'Muzlamik' folks who are taking a kind of moral superiority in their decision to leave the UK.  Now, look… I get the attraction. Sun. Beaches. All kinds of entertainment. All forms of attractions. It's a land perfectly designed to entertain Brits. Oh… and it's all halal.

Basically, yes. Now, obviously this question and answer might require some context.  Over the last decade or more, I've coached a lot of single women who are in their late 20s, 30s and 40s who are living in their parents' home. And much of the time, they're unclear about whether they are technically allowed, in Islam, to leave their parents' home without being married.