Shadow Work to Save Your Relationship (with Luke Adler)

In this episode I'm joined by licensed marriage and family therapist Steph Flood to talk about what happens when you're doing the dishes, handling the kids, and still feel like roommates with no touch and no sex. We get into why you and your wife come at connection from opposite directions, how the way you ask for intimacy lands, what she's thinking when sex feels like a box to check, and why frozen, nice-guy initiating backfires. Doing everything right, still disconnectedThe emotional to physical cycleFeeding the meter with daily presenceChange how you ask for sexWhen sex feels like a box she checksThe nice guy who freezes before initiatingGreat roommates: smell and perimenopauseStress, pulling inward, and needing other menErection problems and what your wife thinksWhen he's the one with lower desireWhat wives want husbands to knowWhere to find StephAbout Steph FloodSteph is a licensed marriage and family therapist and relationship coach who calls herself your wife's best friend, because she tells husbands what their wives feel and rarely say out loud. She's been married to her high school sweetheart for over 30 years.@stephfloodmarriagecoach on InstagramA Flood of Love: Steph's website and newsletterInside Pillars of PresenceOne of the biggest shifts you can make in your relationship is learning to lead and tend the emotional connection. Even a little of it puts you far past where most men in our default culture are. That's the heart of what we train in Pillars of Presence, my 16-week program for men: weekly live coaching calls and daily practice, alongside a group of men doing the same work. You learn to stay in your body when she pulls away, and to say what you want without pressure or shame, and to generate polarity without games or tactics.Build Attraction from the Inside Out with Pillars of PresenceApply for Pillars of PresenceOther Ways to Get InvolvedJoin Men's Group ExperienceJoin The Heart of Shadow Men's Group & RetreatTake the Evolutionary Edge Masculine Archetype QuizJoin the mailing list

Jason Gentile and his best friend from college lived eight blocks apart in LA, and they'd still go six months without seeing each other. Then they started seeing each other every week. What changed between them explains why so many successful men end up lonely.Jason Gentile is a men's work facilitator, transformational leader, and father of three. In this episode, we get into what actually gets a man who looks fine on paper to walk into a men's work retreat or group, and why the man who swears he has no fear can be the most afraid man in the room. We also talk about what it feels like to be tracked by other men (and what happens when nobody is), and the dentist appointment that showed my guest what men have stopped saying to each other.About Jason GentileThe Mountain: his self-leadership men's weekend, Oct 23-25Art of Waking Up@jasongentile_ on InstagramHumanMen: find and join a men's groupGet InvolvedJoin Men's Group ExperienceBuild Attraction from the Inside Out with Pillars of PresenceJoin the Heart of Shadow Men's Group & RetreatTake the Evolutionary Edge Masculine Archetype QuizJoin the mailing list

In this episode I'm joined by Jayson Gaddis, author of Getting to Zero, to talk about how to repair after a fight with your wife or partner. We get into how nice guy syndrome trades your truth for keeping the peace, why "that wasn't my intention" goes nowhere, what makes an apology land in your partner's nervous system, and who goes first when you're both shut down. We also talk about what a men's group gives you that therapy alone can't.About JaysonGetting to ZeroJaysonGaddis.comThe Relationship SchoolGet InvolvedJoin Men's Group ExperienceBuild Attraction from the Inside Out with Pillars of PresenceJoin the Heart of Shadow Men's Group & RetreatTake the Evolutionary Edge Masculine Archetype QuizJoin the mailing list

In this episode I'm joined by Dr. Luke Adler to talk about offensive love, a phrase that came out of our shadow work group a year ago. We get into why going on offense with your heart means being willing to shock the sleepiness out of a relationship, how waiting keeps you defended with your wife, your kids, and other men, what touch and unspoken tension have shown me about my own habits, and why the pain you avoid keeps weighing you down.Get involved:Take the Evolutionary Edge Masculine QuizFollow Evolutionary MenJoin the Heart of Shadow Men's Group & Retreat

Performance anxiety in bed, whether it shows up as erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, often starts somewhere you've probably never looked. Somatic sex educator Rahi Chun joins me to talk about porn, stress, and the tension your pelvic floor has been holding for years.Rahi explains genital dearmoring and why a tight pelvic floor cuts blood flow and makes you finish faster. He also names an early sign worth noticing: trouble emptying your bladder. Then we get into why more young men are showing up with ED and PE, and how porn became sex education for a lot of us. It did for me. Porn trains your body to rush toward a result.We also talk about loneliness, and why closer friendships with other men take pressure off sex with your partner. And what changes when you stop chasing performance and let yourself feel what's happening in your body.Learn more about Rahi's work at rahichun.com, and join his list to hear when Sovereign, his men's sexual wholeness course, opensDivine Union for Lovers, Rahi's work for couples with his wife ArielGet involved:Take the Evolutionary Edge Masculine QuizFollow Evolutionary Men

In this episode I talk with Dr. Daniel Ellenberg. He has directed men's groups for more than forty years and earned the Practitioner of the Year award from the American Psychological Association's division for the psychology of men. He names the mistake he sees men keep making generation after generation, and then we explore the idea of precarious manhood and why vulnerability continues to be seen as a weakness. We also discuss why many men attempt to manage all their problems alone and what happens when a man stops hiding the parts of himself that cause him shame.Join Dr. Daniel Ellenberg, Keith Martin-Smith, and James Baraz in their 9-month Strength with Heart TrainingLearn more about Dr. EllenbergLearn about the Men and Boys Compassion CoalitionGet involved:Take the Evolutionary Edge Masculine QuizFollow Evolutionary Men

In this episode I'm again joined by Dr. Luke Adler, this time to to talk about shadow work as a way to save your relationship. We get into the nice guy pattern of going along to get along, why controlling your partner's reactions is really about avoiding your own feelings, and how a relationship without real presence slides into a predator and prey dynamic. We talk about the implicit agreements quietly running your relationship and what it actually takes to break them.Join the Heart of Shadow Men's Group & RetreatTake the Evolutionary Edge Masculine Archetype QuizJoin the mailing list

In this episode I break down why so many men feel stuck. It comes down to two energetic holds I watch men make over and over that burn enormous energy and produce no movement so from the inside it feels like nothing is happening. I share where they come from, what they cost you in your body and your relationships, and what I've seen actually get men unstuck. Then I leave you with two quick questions to find where you're doing both of these things.Join the Heart of Shadow Men's Group & RetreatTake the Evolutionary Edge Masculine Archetype QuizJoin the mailing list

In this episode I invite Alistair Moes, who has operated his own anger management practice for over 31 years and has worked with more than 15,000 men and women, to discuss what truly occurs in the body when anger takes over, why many of us either explode or shut down and label it handling things, and what it means to meet conflict from the adult inside you rather than the wounded kid. We explore the family patterns that shaped each of our approaches to anger, and the practice that reveals which one is actually in control at any given moment.Moose Anger ManagementGet InvolvedDiscover Your Evolutionary EdgeJoin the Heart of Shadow Men's Group & RetreatBecome a Pillar of Presence for the feminine

In this episode I invite Dr. Luke Adler to discuss what shadow work is really for. We explore why the deepest pain in a group of men often sits right beside laughter and gratitude, the "kink in the hose" model described in The Heart of Shadow that shows where life force becomes stuck, and why men struggle to celebrate what is going right or to accept a compliment without deflecting it.Free Workshop Monday August 24th: RAGE & ANGERJoin the Fall 2026 Heart of Shadow NOWTake the Evolutionary Edge Masculine Archetype Quiz