Making Space for Difficult Conversations with Ariel Kahn

In this interview with Ariel Kahn and Julia Davis, they discussed: Building relationships through a shared passion for literature The importance of creating spaces where everyone feels comfortable Changing the location of your circle The use of food and drink to build community How creative writing can be used as a bridge between communities The power of curiosity Literature as an olive branch for constructive conversations around difference The use of literature as a tool for crossing cultural boundaries Using circle in an education setting and the use of educational tools Enabling listening amongst cultural conflicts: modelling disagreement Circle as a space for digesting and formulating new ideas Vulnerability as strength in LGBT+ circles Stories as a vehicle for transformation The use of props in circle Workshops with an element of circle Creating firm guidelines around anonymity - the Chatham House rules

In this episode, Tessa and Julia shared their highlights of the past 14 episodes including: - the power of circles with children and young people (Roy Leighton, Sophie King-Hill and Nellie Harden) - the importance of embodiment in talking circles for the participants and as a circle facilitator (Henika Patel and Marta Fabregat) - the spectrum of circles from in your living room to an international, decades-old organisation (Nicky Yazbeck and Mike Irwin) - the gift of being authentic as a group facilitator rather than being 100% perfect or professional!

In this episode, Tessa and Nellie talk about: • Circles show up in all sorts of places like music groups and choirs • Growth happens in relationship, not isolation, which makes circles perfect for change • Modern life with devices and social media makes it hard for families to do active listening with each other • Get clarity about your child’s learning language so your message gets through e.g. pictures, words, movement • Playing loud music really helped to prepare the 12-18 year olds for listening later – think of your attendees’ needs • A clarity board enables you to write or draw what you hear the other person is saying and check you’ve got it right (up to 5 things you hear) • A facilitator can provide third-party validation where a change in relationship / communication is the goal • Aim is to create a space to develop truth and trust with the circle so that the amygdala doesn’t shut down processing too much flight and fight • Rules for Nellie’s session is ROCKS: Respect, Obedience, Compassion, Kindness, Self-discipline • Can take a break if things get heated to re-establish calm or use ‘square breathing’ (also known as even breathing) with tracing the square on the leg • Make the participants aware of defence mechanisms such as sarcasm, mocking, dismissing, interrupting, ignoring and distraction – these are destructive forms of communication and you need to take a break if it happens • In terms of time keeping, you can put a leeway / buffer for latecomers but also at the end in case you are in something deep and don’t want to interrupt the process • A firm boundary is having phones away • Acknowledging the role of hormones in relationships is important in this age group.

In this episode, Julia and Tessa covered: - The benefits of both online and in person circles - The challenges of online and additional guidelines you might put into place - The additional work that an in person circle might involve in setting up the physical space - Examples of how both online and in person circles have worked with different demographics.

In this episode, Julia and Henika talked about: - How she transformed from a lawyer into a facilitator of sensual arts after reasling she was disconnected from her body - Circle time was a catalyst for the journey: it created a space to talk about taboo topics without shame - Her ‘Shakti Circle’ focuses on the cultivation of power in the body (any body) - Safety in a circle is objective and subjective so it’s important to clearly specify who the circle is for (including in the marketing) and she spends an hour of a 2-hour circle on practices for the self before moving into sharing ie “I” to “we” - One practice she shares is Yang and Yin vision: Yang vision is how you see someone passing by (the colour of their clothes or hair) and Yin vision is looking to connect beyond the surface level - She will talk for 5/6 minutes about the container of the circle, including about any gender being welcome, looking beyond the surface level etc - Circle is a template for the rest of the world and your life: taking time to cultivate listening skills, how to express yourself in a way that feels safe in your body, develop empathy will ripple out into the rest of your day - Circle is an opportunity to educate on these skills - Social media can be a lonely experience – just you and a phone – where you can be left with shame from the gap between reality and expectations, but circle enables those experiences to be shared - Shakti circles address unrealistic expectations from porn that’s not covered by sex ed - Generally we are not taught what ‘No’ feels like in your body to then be able to communicate your ‘No’ - She is a first generation Indian woman who grew up with rituals at home - The association of tantra with sex is a neo-tantra ie a new form, traditionally it is about a whole range of practices focusing on goddesses as a reaction to Hinduism where focus was on men practising and particular castes. Tantra is not a religion, but a counter culture. - A practice she likes to include in circle is a simplified version of Nyasa - infusion divinity into the body by repeating a phrase such as “This is the beautiful hair of Julia” as you touch the hair, working around the body, with permission not to touch or giving other options - It is important when sharing a practice to name the tradition or teacher to honour the teaching and steer towards cultural appreciation rather than cultural appropriation

In this episode, Julia Davis spoke to Dr Sophie King-Hill [(https://www.birmingham.ac.uk/schools/social-policy/departments/health-services-management-centre/staff/profile.aspx?ReferenceId=170453)](https://www.birmingham.ac.uk/schools/social-policy/departments/health-services-management-centre/staff/profile.aspx?ReferenceId=170453) talked about: - Beliefs around sexuality and youth lead to discrimination against teenage parents - Young people are guarded because of the stigma around teenage pregnancy - Work to set expectations (guidelines is too formal) to create a safe space where young people can ask questions without feeling stupid or having the fear of ridicule - She meets parents ahead of group meetings to know their history and potentially upsetting issues - Key is thinking that you're equal to them, that all voices are valid, and facilitator is here to learn and prepared to be wrong - Setting is informal - no need to ask to go to the toilet, whether they can eat something, get up, have a headphone in - ['A Student's Guide to What You Don't Know' booklet](https://www.birmingham.ac.uk/schools/social-policy/departments/health-services-management-centre/research/a-students-guide-to-what-you-dont-know) was produced by young people to give to teachers and educators - Person teaching sex ed has to be comfortable with the topic - Support critical thinking about what they find online and be able to discuss in a safe space without judgement - Important to give space to think through contraception rather than making a last minute decision - Smaller groups for Sex Ed would be ideal and in a circle format - teachers can be transparent about being nervous about trying a new format - Ask anonymously what the young people want to know - same paper, pen for each person so no-one singled out - Need to be ready to be responsive to what comes up - If parents don't want their children receiving Sex Ed, gently share research with them showing how it helps kids to be safe in a highly sexualised environment

In this episode, Tessa and Roy talked about: *His involvement in Peace Circles being rooted in his childhood with Adverse Childhood Events * How circles can increase inclusion and belonging in schools – in 7 years only 7 days of exclusion across the whole school * Using the framework of the ‘Four Rooms’ – intellectual, emotional, practical and spiritual in every circle – to deal with conflict quickly through structure of ‘When you…’, ‘I feel….’, ‘because….’, ‘what can we do about it?’ * Different levels of circle from senior management – with mixed staff (dinner ladies, ground staff) and mixed year groups * Thrice weekly meetings called ‘family circles’ by children * Staff trained in holding circle and moving through restorative, chaotic and self-organising circles * Circle works to re-educate away from simple hierarchy to transcend and become more inclusive * Circles can hold conflict and prevent escalation * Intergeneration circles build maturity in younger members * Circles provide spaces where people can be called out but lead to change rather than conflict and unhealthy confrontation

In this episode, Tessa and Julia discussed the technique of Yoga Nidra relaxations within circle time: - Useful settling technique in circle - Can be used for all different audiences (e.g. pregnancy, kids, perimenopause, fatigue - The participants can lie down or sit for this technique and should be as comfortable as possible - The facilitator stays sitting and alert to deliver the nidra - for the training you do not need to be a yoga teacher - There are different components in a nidra including body mapping, opposite qualities, setting an intention and themes can run throughout, including visualisations. - You can find scripts to read out, but this does not have the same effect as a nidra you have created yourself and are delivering without reading (bullet points are fine as a reminder) - Yoga nidras can vary in length and provide a boost to energy - Circle facilitation can also support your movement / meditation classes: to check-in without the talking taking over the session, build connections, get feedback about practices and check out before the end of the session

In this episode, Tessa and Jenny Burrell (https://www.burrelleducation.com/) covered: - Learning the value of silence - How online circles can be just as powerful as in person ones but guidelines may need to be slightly different - You might think group coaching is about really cool questions but it's mostly about listening - The difference between feedback and reflection in circle - As group facilitators or circle holders we can be human rather than perfect and this makes us into more compassionate leaders and much more!

In this episode with Mike Irwin, he and Julia discussed: • It’s okay as a facilitator to be learning and not be perfect! People are looking for authenticity and not superconfident • Your nervousness can be a gift to the nervous attendees • The first part of starting the circle is to get present yourself as a facilitator • You can start with a centring question e.g. ‘What’s preventing me from feeling comfortable here?’ or ‘What do I want to feel like at the end of the session?’ • As important aspect of guidelines is to open up the requirements around confidentiality to the attendees eg.’if you see me in the supermarket ignore me’ through to ‘let’s swap phone numbers and keep in touch outside the circle’ • You may also want to discuss how the circle will deal with conflict. A ‘hygiene measure’ that might help is to make ‘I’ statements • There is a tension between what people want to talk about and what they don’t want to talk about but would be good to, like emotions! For example, relationships with parents, family, sexual relationships, with money. ‘Tell me a time when….(e.g. your relationship with money was difficult)’ • One exercise is to put an empty chair in the room and imagine putting someone in it e.g. mum, partner, • There is a tension between facilitation and participation – Mike feels you can’t fully be in the group and facilitate • The process involves understanding ‘Where am I?’ now and being in an intermediary position where you don’t want to be before you can get to ‘Where I’d love to be’. You might ask ‘Can you inhabit this inbetween place?’ • In closing the circle, you might give people a chance to say what they got out of it. • Circles are important because they counteract the influences on young men from what is on social media