How are you? Framing Your Questions for Open Hearted Answers with Julia and Tessa

If you're new to the Circle Holding podcast, this episode will give you a glimpse into the interviews with diverse circle facilitators in Series 3.

Alex and Julia talked about: • First encountered circles at Church with age group and older facilitator • Came back to circle in his thirties with a lot more life experience • Was a journalist in lifestyle and wellbeing who attended a circle out of curiosity and to write an article, to being asked to host one • Started with a one hour circle for 6-8 weeks • Is inspired by Men’s Speak, men’s circles in London • Did a Mental Health First Aid Course, then coaching, then as a therapist, which opened doors into schools • Did group work in schools with those who found the structure of school difficult- it gave space to relax and let their guard down • One of guidelines was to be responsible for the group rather than being disruptive and stopping others from benefiting from the group • Delivered ‘Becoming a man’ programme, part of Youth Guidance (US initiated) until funding withdrawn by government • Shared programme through assembly and boys consented to participating through signed agreement • There has to be buy-in from teachers and parents

Julia and Tessa talk about the importance of the welcome to circle, including the pre-circle preparation and how welcomes might differ according to your demographic.

Sophie and Tessa talked about: • Moving away from right and wrong dynamics to a different way of engaging • Restorative justice addresses harm after it has happened e.g. working with local police • Restorative practice is about every interaction, shifting out of who’s right and wrong and to what really matters and how can we move forwards • I-messaging means talking from my personal experience rather than you language or how it is (as if factual) – what’s true for me is indisputable and allows space for difference • Speaking from multiple social truths • Move away from divisive, binary debating to what matters • Important to create a container for this different style of communicating, which involves getting consent to work WITH people rather than do a process to people • Where there is conflict, a risk assessment needs to be done to determine if there is a willingness to shift – can ask, “What needs are being met by not moving and what needs are not being met by moving your views?” • Having enough support is critical for facilitators – lack of support can show up as physical symptoms • Debriefing helps to process the facilitation and move from reactivity to memory • Constantly trying to prove rightness and wrongness is costly in terms of your nervous system • Circle spaces can create a more equal space than other set ups – important to become ‘power literate’ • ‘Flat’ organisations usually hide power dynamics • Ways of dealing with power differentials could be to decide the order in which people speak or not having everyone speak • Want to avoid ‘group think’ where focus on sameness rather than making space for difference, although it’s understandable to focus on sameness to ensure belonging where there’s less power • Bringing authenticity into communication is countercultural! E.g. Not to slip into saying “I’m fine” when you’re not. • I-messaging is a way to be authentic and belong

In this episode, Tessa and Julia talked about facilitating appropriate vulnerability, considering how the fear of vulnerability can be a real barrier to attending a talking circle, but when being vulnerable in a safe space can be incredibly empowering.

In this interview Rob and Julia discussed: • How Rob came to attend his first circle • Had transferable skills from being a personal trainer, knew how to give person space to speak • Co-facilitates the circle at Uncommon Man – bring different skills and give each other support e.g. debriefing and planning • Also has support through Whatsapp group with other men’s circle facilitators • Charges for men’s monthly circle and a lot of this goes back into promoting sessions, including having a videographer there for marketing e.g. clips of breathwork to demystify what happens at the circle • For venues, think of spaces like offices that aren’t used in the evenings or co-working environments that may wish to support mental health • Tips on how to get started with a men’s group • Important to include moments of comedic relief in circles ie humour • Relaxed start with non-alcoholic beers and music playing (also a guideline not to bring alcohol or arrive inebriated) • With 20-25 men, will get agreement to guidelines with a hand raise • After initial circle, go to triads because less intimidating than 121 because can move eye contact between the two others • After group share with 5-10 people sharing, do breathwork session and final group share (time for everyone to speak) • Do breathwork because it’s a powerful way to help release emotion • Advice to new facilitator would be to have someone there to support you e.g. in setting space up, doesn’t have to be a co-facilitator and to give it a go with three friends.

In this episode Julia & Tessa talk about how to create space for examining feelings: * Alternatives to "how are you" to create space for heart led conversation * Creating questions that lead to sharing stories * The value of lightness and humour * Starting shallow, going deep

Tessa and Kate talked about • Poems can create the shared space; poems that are appropriate for and speak to who is there • Poetry as a joining-in activity to be shared aloud as in the tradition of oral history, not like a pressed flower in a book • The poem creates a structure for people and children to organise their thoughts and even learn a language • As a facilitator, she narrates the experience to support the momentum of writing: a series of cues of what they could try, reading parts of the poem again • Poetry circles can work for very small groups and large ones, in person and online • Create an encouraging environment by giving praise as they work, need to affirm their poetry because will tend towards being critical • 90 minutes is a good amount of time to introduce the poem, have time for writing, then sharing • Guidelines such as encouraging clapping are to help it be a positive experience – in groups not about an analytical approach but to ‘react to it like it’s a song. • Kate will chose a line she thinks is really great from the poem as an introduction and if someone is shy and doesn’t want to read their poem, she will ask if it’s okay to read it for them • She welcomes feelings to arise because they come when the person is ready to express them • Important to give options for people to write about – she gives prompts that aren’t directly emotive, but often they will write something emotional from a light / general prompt e.g. food, something you remember • A poem can feel like a safe space because it’s expressing something beautifully • These poetry circles enable people to create their own safe spaces and get into a habit of expressing themselves • Good sources of poems, other than Kate’s books of course, are ‘Being Alive’ and ‘Poetry Foundation’ and Tessa uses John O’Donohue’s ‘Benedictus’

In this episode, Tessa and Julia talked about how circle time can utilise the special environment of a retreat to deepen practices and sharing. They give some examples of where circle was used well and where it wasn't used at all.

In this interview with Davis J Williams and Julia Davis, they talked about: • Moving from the competitive field of football coaching where some young people struggled to participate to supporting youth in the community • In Gambia, found that young boys went through a rite of passage at 13 years old and saw the difference that made to their self-respect, discipline, self-control and ambition • The journey to manhood builds throughout the boys’ lives, involving the whole community • Wanted to bring this rite of passage experience to the boys becoming involved in violence in London whose parents are struggling alone to guide them • Is important to involve parents to support their skills – developed the Parenthood Academy e.g. to create more intimacy at home like parents holding hands to model caring environment, eating meal together at a table • Bring in cartoons and animations to talk about manhood to combat narratives on social media e.g. through talking about Batman story and trauma of losing his parents • Programmes are run by volunteers from the community who want to support positive masculinity, rather than getting funding from local authorities or referrals from schools • Too important to wait for public funding to be provided, parents pay subscriptions for the kids to attend because they value the programme • Focus on building accountability to each other and the practitioners – a brotherhood – and once built rapport take them away for a deeper emotional experience of overcoming a challenge • Sit in circle without distraction – no mask wearing, no bravado - finding connections with safe people rather than with gangs • Alongside, Parent Lead is working with the parents to go on their own emotional journey and remembering their own goals, encouraging ongoing conversations between parents and youths • Length of time youths are involved varies – longest is 4 years of holding space for transformation • Peer leaders who volunteer come from different professions – all have in common that they have capacity to care • Strict screening process in place • Not easy because have to overcome the boys’ resistance to authority figures • Have to allow conversation to go where the boys want to take it, even when uncomfortable or controversial, for someone to have the courage to give different opinions