Ep. 419: The Formula For Desire in Long Term Relationships

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Dr. Anna Elton about her book The Formula of Desire and why desire commonly fades in long-term relationships. Elton shares how her research interviewing over 700 couples led to frameworks and assessments for relational desire, emphasizing that desire often declines or gets redirected (to other people, parenting, careers, or self-focus) when couples stop cultivating the conditions for intimacy. They discuss spontaneous vs. responsive desire, the importance of anticipation, addressing resentment and emotional disconnection, and how neglecting the “couple persona” can leave partners stuck in logistics and family roles. Elton also explains how rigid sexual scripts create stagnation and offers strategies like flirting, novelty, and conversation starters. She introduces six “erotic currencies”—initiation, seduction, imagination, receptivity, validation, and mystery—and points listeners to assessments and exercises (including A-to-Z date nights) at theformulaofdesire.com.00:00 Show Intro00:46 Meet Dr Anna Elton03:16 Why Desire Fades05:09 Spontaneous Versus Responsive07:47 Desire Redirected Elsewhere10:08 Three Selves Balance14:29 Neglect And Quiet Quitting17:11 Mid Episode Quizzes17:38 Sexual Scripts Explained18:40 Break Routine Together18:55 Fantasy Jar Icebreakers19:49 Flirting And Lightness21:46 Chores And Mental Load22:28 Courage To Address Fear23:53 Assessments To Start Talking25:26 Six Erotic Currencies25:38 Initiation And Seduction28:23 Imagination And Receptivity29:18 Validation And Mystery Dates31:25 Tools And A To Z DatesJessa's quizzes are available at https://www.desirediscrepancy.comBio:Dr. Anna Elton, LMFT, CST, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, clinical sexologist, speaker, educator, and author of The Formula of Desire: What Brings Us Together and Drives Us Apart, and the Science of Connection (New Harbinger Publications). With more than 15 years of experience working with individuals, couples, and families, she specializes in relationships, intimacy, desire, communication, and emotional connection. Dr. Elton teaches doctoral students in clinical sexology and is a sought-after speaker who has presented nationally and internationally, including in Canada, Italy, Japan, and Australia. Her expertise has been featured in TIME, Reader's Digest, Real Simple, Psychology Today, Newsweek, Parade, ELLE, and numerous other media outlets. She has also appeared as a relationship expert on PBS, ABC, FOX, and NBC. Through her clinical work, research, writing, and speaking, Dr. Elton is dedicated to helping people build stronger and more fulfilling relationships.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman addresses “sex that’s not worth having,” focusing on situations where a lower-desire partner begrudgingly offers sex with clear disinterest, disconnect, or even hostility. She distinguishes this from reactive desire, where someone starts with openness to getting in the mood. Zimmerman explains that going through the motions is unfulfilling for both partners, can push the lower-desire partner further from desire, and reinforces the belief that the higher-desire partner only wants release. She recommends turning down or stopping sex when it feels like work, trudging, or checking out, and communicating in a grounded, collaborative way that sex needs to work for both people. The goal is to insist on conversations and change that help both partners find reasons to genuinely want intimacy.00:00 Show Intro00:46 Sex Not Worth Having01:21 Reactive Desire Vs Duty Sex02:12 When Sex Feels Hostile03:52 Why Accepting Hurts Both04:51 How To Say No Kindly05:40 Insist On Mutual Pleasure06:10 Outro And Next StepsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Michelle Fischler about her upcoming book, “Coming Soon: The Unshaming Guide to Early Ejaculation and Lasting Longer,” arguing early/rapid ejaculation is fundamentally a shame issue and nervous system pattern, not a performance problem. Fischler describes how cultural messages about masculinity, family, media, and porn create meaning-making that turns timing into identity-based shame, which undermines follow-through on techniques. She outlines an “unshaming” process that externalizes shame by noticing it in the body, building awareness and safety, and then adding strategies such as diaphragmatic breathing (linked to reduced arousal and longer latency), mindfulness, solo practice with start–pause training, sensate focus–informed couple exercises, communication, and options like SSRIs and desensitizing sprays. She emphasizes sex as a “team sport,” pleasure over timing, and practical resources available at getsome.ca.00:00 Show Intro and Guest01:20 Michelle Origin Story03:55 Rapid Ejaculation and Shame08:24 Where Masculinity Myths Come From10:58 Unshaming Through the Body14:19 Therapy Example Externalizing Shame18:41 Sponsor Break Desire Discrepancy19:07 New Narrative and Root Messages21:52 Anxiety Nervous System and Breath25:14 Safety and Context26:54 Partner Involvement28:45 Communication Over Timing30:04 Evidence Based Tools31:19 Mindfulness and Practice33:46 Solo Training Methods35:41 Couples Sensate Focus37:29 Presence Not Distraction39:24 Shame Is Universal40:20 Book Launch and Resources44:30 Website and Tools45:59 Closing and CreditsAll of Jessa's resources for mismatched libido can be found at https://www.desirediscrepancy.comBio:Michelle Fischler, RSW, RP, is an ASTO Certified Sex Therapist with over a decade of clinical experience, educator, and founder of GETSOME (https://getsome.ca/), a platform and podcast dedicated to dissolving sexual shame. She believes that when we unshame sex, we free people not just in bed, but in life.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Sara Perry, a sexological body worker and somatic sex educator, about helping people connect with their bodies, pleasure, and desires and then communicate and negotiate those desires with partners. Sara shares her path from studying psychology of sexuality to critical theory and somatic sex education, and describes how small choices about comfort, environment, and consent can support healing and pleasure. They discuss the Wheel of Consent, focusing on sensation, asking for what you want, and using “yes, and/yes, but” negotiation rather than shutting down with a simple no. Using examples like cuckolding and other fetishes, Sara emphasizes pacing, avoiding pressure and fatigue, separating fantasy from real-life intent, and building safety over time. They also cover non-monogamy, jealousy and compersion, the need for ongoing conversation and support groups, and Sara’s nonprofit Box of Life and her Haven Space Coaching practice.00:00 Show Intro00:45 Meet Sarah Perry01:27 Sarah’s Origin Story04:11 Sexuality Can Heal05:55 Somatic Pleasure Practice08:36 Desire In Relationship09:23 Wheel of Consent Basics10:55 Ask For What You Want13:27 When Desires Clash14:56 Cuckolding Example16:50 Sponsor Break17:18 How To Bring It Up17:50 Somatic Setup For Talks19:35 Fantasy Talk Strategies21:22 Receiving Kink Confessions21:51 Curiosity Over Shame22:38 Fruit Fetish Example23:47 Yes But Negotiations25:48 Roleplay Versus Reality26:50 Cuckolding Roadmap28:58 Fetish Fatigue Cycles30:45 Non Monogamy Option33:06 Jealousy And Compersion35:13 Support Groups And Boundaries36:07 Keep The Conversation Alive37:19 Box Of Life Charity39:25 Where To Find Them40:26 Podcast Closing Creditsboxoflife.orghavenspacecoaching.comWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman welcomes back Candace Sjogren, author of "Polyagony," to discuss how parents can navigate consensual non-monogamy with children. They emphasize that many parents don’t plan for integrating relationship structure with parenting, especially when opening a relationship after having kids, and that conversations must be age-appropriate, focused on safety, love, and belonging—not sex. Sjogren describes “slow roll” disclosure (different families, dates, “special friends,” then partners), highlights risks when children discover things via technology or accidental exposure, and recommends poly-informed therapy and child-centered approaches like play-based talks, giving kids agency over privacy and introductions, and reinforcing special one-on-one time. They also cover introducing partners, cohabitation (roommate framing, separate space), agreements about roles, and recovery after mistakes, with the key takeaway to move slowly and be discerning about what children need to know.00:00 Show Intro00:46 Why Poly Parenting Matters03:50 Most Parents Don’t Plan05:35 Age Appropriate Disclosure09:48 Out or Keep It Private11:43 Telling Teens After Opening Up13:58 Helping Kids Process15:54 Kids’ Privacy and Boundaries18:05 Agency and Parent First19:29 Giving Kids Control20:40 Special Time and Jealousy22:08 Introducing Partners Gently25:53 Moving In and Boundaries27:24 Parenting Roles and Agreements30:26 Real World Mistakes33:07 Key Takeaways and ResourcesWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman returns with a soapbox episode on desire discrepancy, focusing on heterosexual relationships where the woman is the higher desire partner. She explains that mismatched desire is normal and common, and that gender doesn’t determine who wants more sex; in her practice, one-third to one-half of hetero couples have a higher desire woman. Because this dynamic conflicts with cultural myths that men always want sex, both partners can feel extra broken: men may feel ashamed, pressured, and avoid sex, while women may doubt their attractiveness, resent having to initiate, or even worry their partner is gay. Zimmerman says the solutions are the same: identify obstacles (including myths), understand reactive desire in men, reduce pass/fail pressure, and learn how to access arousal and desire.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:45 Soapbox Episode Setup01:01 Desire Discrepancy Basics01:33 Gender Myths and Reality02:23 Why Couples Feel Broken03:00 Pressure on Low Desire Men04:03 High Desire Women Doubts04:46 When She Wonders He's Gay05:28 What Actually Helps05:38 Understanding Reactive Desire05:44 Lowering Pressure and Finding Turn On06:27 Closing and Where to Find MoreWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Host Jessa Zimmerman interviews New York City sex therapist and trainer Sari Cooper about how sexual stigma and shame are shaped by culture, religion, family dynamics, and implicit messages like silence or lack of affection modeling. Cooper shares her background from a liberal upbringing and modern dance into a helping profession where sex felt taboo, and discusses nuanced bicultural and first-generation experiences, including how differing immigration stories within the same culture can affect sexual expectations. They explore how shame can show up in issues like masturbation and orgasm avoidance, and how the internet can both improve access to sex education and distort expectations through porn and social media trends. Cooper describes helping clients evaluate which rituals and beliefs remain meaningful without dismissing heritage, emphasizes taking a thorough sexual history and practicing curiosity in couples work, and explains her Erotic Intimacy Academy training (SEEIT) and the value of SAR-style self-exploration for therapists.00:00 Show Intro00:44 Meet Sari Cooper01:26 Why Stigma Matters03:56 Culture Religion Messages07:19 Family Silence Modeling10:42 Rituals And First Period13:13 Hidden Shame In Therapy15:31 Internet Porn Social Shifts19:24 Midroll Quiz Break19:50 Gen Z Sex Dating Choices21:29 Parenthood Decisions Trauma22:51 Family Trauma And Genetics23:30 Dating Apps And Disconnection25:01 Avoiding Apps After Burnout25:20 Shame Stigma And Culture28:43 Purity Culture And Loss31:36 Couples Across Cultures34:33 Sex Seam Model And Training35:52 Therapist Comfort And SAR38:04 Where To Find Sari39:35 Podcast Wrap UpJessa's quizzes are available at https://www.desirediscepancy.comBio:Sari Cooper is an AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist & Supervisor and Founder and Director of the Center for Love and Sex (CLS), a boutique group practice specializing in sex therapy, couples counseling, and individual clients challenged with erotic and sexual disorders. She created Sex Esteem, LLC to provide coaching, books, blogs, and Talks to the public on critical, cutting-edge insight on how to center one’s sexual pleasure in dating, ‘relationshipping,’ and mating. Her Sex Esteem® blog has been read by over 1,000,000 readers, and you can follow her @saricooperofficial on Instagram and FB and on Linkedin: linkedin.com/in/-sari-cooper-center-for-love-and-sex. www.centerforloveandsex.comWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassThanks for reading Intimacy with Ease! This post is public so feel free to share it. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Pavini Moray about why somatic approaches are vital in couples and sex therapy, especially when talk therapy leads to over-processing without change. Pavini shares their path from Montessori education to sexological bodywork and how embodiment, intentional attention, and practice support sexual and relational healing. They discuss how working with both partners reveals the relationship dynamic behind issues like sexual aversion, and how disconnection from the body often reflects survival responses to trauma and minimized negative sexual experiences. Pavini emphasizes listening to the body’s “no,” dropping rigid ideas of what sex “should” look like, and using low-stakes, fully clothed experiential exercises (like mindful hand-touch) to rebuild safety and desire. They also describe how queerness supports liberatory redefinition of sexuality and relationships, and they mention resources on contempt and deciding whether to stay or leave.00:00 Show Intro00:54 Meet Bhavani Moray02:09 Why Somatics Works03:13 Her Path Into Couples Work05:09 Embodiment Attention Practice06:52 Why Both Partners Matter09:21 Somatics In Sex Therapy Today12:21 Trauma Disconnection And Healing15:50 Mid Episode Subscribe Break16:29 When Couples Wait Too Long19:43 Seeing Real Change20:06 What Couples Fight About20:46 Healing Over Skills21:38 Inner Child Cowboy Hats23:42 Playful Somatic Experiments24:45 Rewriting Sex Shoulds27:21 Sexual Aversion and Consent29:49 Tiny Touches Big Shifts31:29 Queer Lens for Straight Couples34:53 Resources and FarewellJessa's substack: https://www.intimacywithease.com/substackBio:Pavini Moray is a somatic coach, Relational Life Therapy practitioner, and the author of How to Hold Power and the forthcoming Tending the Bones: Reclaiming Pleasure after Transgenerational Sexual Trauma.With a PhD in Somatic Psychology and 30 years of experience working at the intersection of the body, relational patterns, and erotic healing, Pavini helps people move out of adaptive survival strategies and into the embodied, boundaried presence that actually changes how they relate to themselves, to their partners, and to the people they lead.Their work with couples and individuals centers on what it takes to stop performing intimacy and start experiencing it: through the nervous system, through the body, through the slow, sometimes uncomfortable work of becoming genuinely relational.A queer, nonbinary human walking the path of old magick and ridiculous delight, Pavini believes that the erotic is not separate from the political, the spiritual, or the everyday, and that learning to be truly present with the people we love most is where sparkle begins.Here are the landing pages for those resources:https://pavinimoray.kit.com/15e660bcf4https://pavinimoray.kit.com/0f00c33ad3Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Barbara Carrellas, author of The Book of Ecstasy, about ecstasy as a transformative state that goes beyond pleasure, sex, and orgasm into connection, awe, and ego-dissolution. Carrellas describes how her work was shaped during the AIDS crisis in 1980s New York, where grief and catharsis often fueled joy, and explains ecstasy as a reset button that can be personally, spiritually, socially, and politically important. They discuss how ecstasy can arise through many experiences (including dancing, food, protest, nature, birth, and death), how intensity can help by balancing safety and risk, and how skills like breath, grounding, and intention support ecstatic states. Carrellas offers beginner practices—listing nonsexual turn-ons, meditating on “something more,” and embracing one’s inner teenager—and shares resources on her website.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:48 Meet Barbara Carrellas01:34 AIDS Crisis Origins03:51 Tragedy and Ecstasy05:21 Awe and Ego Dissolution06:46 Defining Ecstasy08:41 Everyday Ecstatic Life11:48 Joy as Resistance14:21 Ecstasy as Spiritual Practice15:33 Connection Me We Us18:03 Host Resources Break18:41 Ecstasy Not A Contest19:52 Speaking The Same Language21:43 Kink Safety And Risk24:14 Breath Energy Orgasms25:34 Beyond Sex And Politics27:50 Psychedelics And Everyday Ecstasy29:12 Solo Practice With A Partner33:08 Beginner Steps To Ecstasy35:45 Books Resources And FarewellWant to work with Jessa? https://www.intimacywithease.comBio:Barbara Carrellas (she/her) is the bestselling author of Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-first Century and the upcoming Book of Ecstasy, from St. Martin’s Essentials. Barbara is the founder of Urban Tantra®, an international community, a philosophy, and an inclusive conscious sexuality practice that encourages people of all genders and sexual preferences to expand their capacity for both pleasure and spiritual fulfillment. Barbara was named Best Tantric Sex Seminar Leader in New York City by Time Out/NY Magazine, and was presented with a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Sexual Freedom Awards in London. Barbara is a proud graduate of the Coney Island Sideshow School with a double major in fire eating and snake handling.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Jessa argues that each person is responsible for their own sexual pleasure by learning what feels good, what turns them on, and then clearly sharing that information with a partner. She emphasizes that partners aren’t mind readers and don’t have the same instant feedback loop as masturbation, so words, demonstrations, and usable vocabulary are crucial for guiding touch. Sharing preferences should be framed as a gift of information rather than criticism, since most partners want to please and be good lovers. Jessa notes that there is no fixed “recipe” because desire and sensation change over time and even from day to day—“Tuesday is different than Thursday”—making it important to keep speaking up and offering real-time guidance.00:00 Tuesday vs Thursday00:05 Own Your Pleasure01:06 Feedback Not Criticism01:46 Find the Words02:25 Show and Tell Touch02:42 No Fixed Recipe03:03 Speak Up in the MomentWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe