316 – I Swear By My Pretty Wheel of Fire, I Will End You

Wormtongue wishes he could leave Saruman; James is stuck with Alan for a few more episodes: make of that what you will. Join The Man of the West and The Sage of the South as we get to Rivendell in time for a party in the last of our three episodes on Many Partings. Saruman offers some parting words to the hobbits; the Keepers of the Rings offer total silence; Bilbo offers gifts he’s already given. We note that Gríma and Zathras have something in common, discuss the items for sale on Middle-earth eBay, and agree wholeheartedly with Bilbo about packing. Also, James does a pretty good Aussie accent.

Legolas is at a loss for words after visiting Aglarond with Gimli; Alan is at a loss for words after… well, never, really. Join The Man of the West and The Sage of the South as The Fellowship of the Ring head out on their farewell tour in our second of three episodes on Many Partings. Treebeard speaks his mind about orcs, gives excuses about Saruman, and offers Merry & Pippin just one more drink. Our simple minds speculate about poetry, revisit Gimli’s rizz, and wonder if Thranduil and Treebeard went to the same school for jailers. Also, one man’s treasure is our confusion.

Gimli offers to speedily fetch his axe, while James offers to speedily fetch his microphone. Join The Man of the West in welcoming back The Sage of the South as Théoden is laid to rest in our first of three episodes on Many Partings. Arwen offers Frodo a lovely parting gift, Aragorn gifts the Grey Wood to the Drúadan, and two kings struggle with gift ideas. We talk about Éomer & Gimli’s deathmatch, wonder how you can give away what you’ve already lost, and discover two long lost names for Frodo & Sam. Also, we all need to use plenipotentiary a lot more. 

The reign of Aragorn Elessar begins, as the reign of Sara ends - quite possibly with her sailing off on a ship filled with cats. Join The Man of the West and the Shield-maiden of Rohan as Gandalf and the new king go mountain-climbing in our last episode on The Steward and the King. Frodo tries to be patient, Aragorn looks for a sign, and Arwen arrives with an entourage. We reconcile questionable timelines, and do the math to figure out how tall Mindolluin might be. Shawn joins Alan for a Philology Faire on ye utúvienyes — which apparently means, “Did you know I broke my toe when I kicked that helmet?” Also, Sara considers making apple crumble… from the fruit of the White Tree.

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for: The Return of… Ioreth. Join The Man of the West and The Shield-maiden of Rohan as Faramir tenders his resignation in our third episode on The Steward and the King. Ioreth educates her kinswoman, Faramir uses his Ask the Audience lifeline, and Aragorn gives Beregond a fright. We wonder why Dol Amroth harpers are the most skillful, agree that ‘never accept single combat with the Witch-king’ is good advice, and relish some more beautiful Quenya. Also, we observe the difference between the Rod of the Stewards and Rod Stewart.

Put your own priorities aside and get ready to do the hard thing as you join us for the PPP’s ninth annual celebration of Tolkien Reading Day, observed every March 25 in honor of the destruction of the Ring and the fall of Barad-dûr. This year’s theme, as chosen by the Tolkien Society, is Service and Sacrifice — and wow, there are lots of great passages to choose from! The Man of the West and The Shield-maiden of Rohan join forces to highlight this powerful theme seen throughout Tolkien’s writing: from Éowyn and her frustration with ‘duty’, to the obvious Húrin moment; from Galadriel’s diminished joy, to a wet bicycle ride. Plus, Amandil’s private island is now head canon.

The Man of the West welcomes people who fanboy… about Sara, the Shield-maiden of Rohan, as we answer listener questions in our 26th Questions After Nightfall! From Dr. Brown’s TED talk to Alan’s improving sarcasm, from creation mythologies to the frat bros of the Valar, our listeners remind us we can always go lower. Alan guesses wrong, we apply the Prime Directive to the Valar, and decide that we don’t talk about Túrin, no no no.

Éowyn is afraid that Darkness Unescapable is coming; Sara is afraid that Dad-Jokes Unescapable are coming. Join The Man of the West and the Shield-maiden of Rohan to find out which fear is most justified — as if you didn’t already know. Éowyn wears a pretty cloak, Faramir (i.e., Tolkien) shares his Atlantis dream, and the Eagles sing an encore. We watch as Éowyn finally swipes right on Faramir, agree that Aragorn is too old for her anyway, and decide that all men should be like Faramir. Also, it’s going to be a bright, bright, sunshiny day.

The women can tell Éowyn nothing; that’s only because Sara wasn’t there. Join Alan and Sara as Éowyn seeks to avoid yet another cage in our first episode on The Steward and the King. The Warden can’t envision a warrior-healer, Éowyn can’t endure five more minutes in this place, and Faramir can’t imagine another day without her. We talk about restraining orders in Rohan, reject Sara’s suggestion for a new segment (“Meanwhile, in Alan Knows Better”), and speculate about Éowyn and Boromir. Also, if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.

The minstrel’s voice rises like silver and gold, and all men were hushed; except for The Man of the West who just won’t stop talking. Join Alan and Sara as we find a golden ring that can’t be melted in our second episode on The Field of Cormallen. Frodo and Sam have done the impossible, and that makes them mighty; Aragorn is humble; and Pippin is… well, Pippin. We talk about this being the eucatastrophe, peer into Legolas’ future, and listen to the best song you’ll never hear. Also, Alan butchers some Old English.