330: How to Be an Effective Manager When Your Boss is Horrible

In a perfect world, your boss is supportive, encouraging, wise, and has all the time in the world to mentor and coach you. He gives you full credit for your wins and shares the blame for your missteps. She spends time helping you plan your next career steps and advocates for you to get those opportunities.

If you related to that fairy tale – congratulations! I’m sure many, if not most, of the listeners can’t relate.

Today, we’re talking about ways for you to succeed as a manager despite having an awful boss. How to be effective when you’re not getting the support, mentorship, or positive reinforcement you desire.

Perhaps most importantly, how not to let the crap that’s landing on your head NOT flow to your direct reports.

There are three aspects I want to talk about today – how to know if you have a truly bad boss, how to manage your people despite having a bad boss, and how to manage your relationship with your bad boss.

How to Know if You Truly Have a Bad Boss

Many people who think they have a bad boss actually have a boss they disagree with, don’t understand, or who is very different from them. Here are 8 indicators your boss is actually a bad boss. Keep in mind that all bosses have off days; your boss is officially bad if any of these indicators is pervasive.

#1 – They are insecure. I find that, when I’m working with my clients, many of them present issues with their bosses that boil down to insecurity on the boss’s part. The boss may be trying to protect his job, feel insecure about his ability to do his job, or both. This insecurity can show up as withholding information, micromanaging, taking credit for employee’s work, and putting employees down.

#2 – They get easily frustrated. This is particularly evident when an employee questions their decisions or asks for more information. I also see it when things don’t go according to plan. While any boss can and will get frustrated, the reaction of a bad boss is outsized to the situation.

#3 – They lack professional boundaries. If you’ve ever seen Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant in “Two Weeks’ Notice,” you know this concept. Not respecting time off, expecting employees to do things way beyond their job description, and overstepping the social aspect of the work environment are all indicators that your boss lacks professional boundaries.

#4 – They aren’t discreet. They call you out on mistakes in front of coworkers or your direct reports and do so in a way that feels like an intentional “gotcha” moment. They don’t seek to understand why something happened – just to punish you for it.

#5 – They pick favorites. While many in an office may THINK the boss is picking favorites, the bad boss is blatant. Giving the best assignments, letting that employee off the hook for things that other employees get raked over the coals for, and heaping outsized praise on the favorite are all indicators of favoritism.

#6 – They are overly negative. Giving only - or mostly – negative feedback instead of catching employees doing good, spending more time talking about the problem than possible solutions, and generally being pessimistic are signs of an overly negative boss.

#7 – Engage in office gossip. The boss should be the Switzerland of the office – neutral to the personal drama surrounding her. When issues need to be dealt with, a good boss does so in private, with the “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” attitude. Bosses who ignite or fan the flames of office gossip are bad bosses.

#8 – Harassment. While this one is usually pretty black and white, it does deserve a mention here. While the other six issues may have workarounds or can be tolerated for a period of time, this one may require immediate intervention or you exiting the company. Follow your company’s HR processes for reporting this kind of behavior.

Managing Your Relationship with Your Boss

Let’s assume that, at least for the immediate future, you’re stuck with your boss. I have 7 tips for you to help you improve your relationship with your boss for however long you must work together.

I want to begin this section by saying that your issues with your boss are just that – YOUR issues. You can’t change his behavior or words, only yours. If you can learn to manage your mind around this boss, you will be better for it.

Remember: It’s not your responsibility to make sure your boss is happy – your responsibility is to do your job well. Keep the focus where it should be.

#1 – Talk to your boss. Try to understand his communication style and expectations. Try active listening and repeating back what he says to ensure you’re both clear. Avoid making him feel accused. You may also be able to learn about some of the pressures he’s facing, constraints he’s under, or personal issues he’s dealing with – and understanding can help breed acceptance.

#2 – Take responsibility. Consider what part of the situation you are contributing – how can you show up differently to possibly neutralize your boss’s effect on you?

#3 – Take the high road. At all costs, don’t gossip or badmouth your boss, either in your department or elsewhere in the organization. If you need to speak to someone else in the company about the situation, do so professionally – and choose wisely.

#4 – Adapt your behavior. As you spend time with your boss, you’ll learn more about her leadership style. Think of ways you can adapt to her preferences and style without sacrificing your personal brand. If your boss is a micromanager, trying being more proactive with the information she’s most interested in. Also, practice thinking more neutral or positive thoughts about your boss so you can see her in a better light.

#5 – Speak to HR. If you’ve already made your boss aware of the problem and they haven’t addressed it, HR may be your next step. However, tread lightly – HR works for your employer, and if your boss is a favored employee, it may bounce back onto you. Your best approach is to tell HR exactly what has happened and what you’ve tried, without emotion or gossip. Just the facts.

#6 - Set boundaries. If your boss lacks boundaries, establish your own and communicate them clearly with your boss and coworkers. Be polite but unyielding.

#7 - Set your own goals. If your boss is unwilling or unable to help you set goals for your job performance, set your own and communicate them to her. Ask for her input – she might be able to make suggestions once you’ve laid the groundwork. Keep her apprised of your progress toward those goals.

Managing Your People When Your Boss is Terrible

Spoiler alert: Being a good manager is being a good manager. There are, however, some nuances when your boss is terrible.

I want to come at this from a different angle – how you can neutralize the negative impact of your boss so it doesn’t flow downstream to your team.

#1 - Engage your support system. Outside of work, be sure to have people that will support you and help you reduce stress. Above all else, don’t let resentment, frustration, or anger build up without a release valve.

#2 – Take care of yourself. Get exercise and enough sleep; you may want to take advantage of mental health services or even take a temporary break from work. Having a therapist who can help you neutralize the impact of your boss so you can be a more effective manager and leader is worth its weight in gold.

#3 – Manage your mind. I’ve done a number of podcasts on the importance of mindset in various situations. When you have a terrible boss, it’s important to recognize – and try to neutralize – the impact of what your boss is saying or doing.

For example: Your boss has just raked you over the coals in front of your direct reports. When this has happened in the past, you began mentally cussing your boss out, perhaps gossiping with coworkers who are on your side, and letting it negatively impact your job performance.

You’re probably thinking something like:

“My boss is an a-hole.”

Instead, catch that thought – be aware what you are thinking. Then, gently and gradually shift your thought to something more neutral:

“I have a boss.”

“Jane is my boss.”

“Jane is the JOB TITLE of DEPARTMENT or FUNCTION.”

I promise, that tiny shift will make a huge difference.

Another aspect of managing your mind is not owning your boss’s opinion of you. Thoughts for this might include:

“Jane thinks _____; she’s mistaken.”

“I am ____ (a belief that counters what Jane has said about you)

“I am a valuable employee.”

“I’m really good at _____” (something that moves you away from the area your boss criticized)

#4 – Use your boss’s behavior as a training ground. Some of my best learning about leadership has been from a series of less-than-stellar bosses I had when I worked in higher education and, before that, in corporate training. Decide how you want to show up for your people. I recommend letting your people know what you’re working on – you don’t have to throw your boss under the bus to do this. Just let them know you’re actively working on, for example, providing positive feedback when you see your employees doing good, and ask them to hold you accountable.

#5 – Find a mentor in the organization. This is not someone to whom you can vent and gossip, but rather someone who truly supports you and wants the best for you. This will help in many ways, not the least of which is helping to neutralize the impact of your boss’s negativity.

#6 – Get to know your team members. Ask them how they like to be rewarded, what motivates them, what aspects of their work they like best/least – and make sure to act on what you learn. Get to know them outside of work as well – learn about their family and hobbies. This familiarity will breed a sense of belonging and togetherness.

#7 – Finally, don’t bash your boss. This should be obvious, but bashing your boss with your coworkers makes you a bad boss. See how that works?

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