SWM 125 – Rethinking “Duty Sex”

Topics include: Why am I not interested in sexy any more after having a baby? How do I get my wife to rest without guilt? Why does my wife dismiss my advice when she asks for it? How do I get my wife engaged in sexual growth? Are men infatuated with their ejaculate?

Marriage is a cosmic tapestry, a constellation of souls woven into the fabric of time, where vows echo in the heart's language, shaping a journey of shared whispers and laughter. It's a dance of compromise and compassion, a symphony where individual melodies blend into a shared harmony, with time sculpting the narrative of a joint odyssey. Amidst life's tempests, love's resilience is tested, forging a bond that transcends the ephemeral, painting a portrait of unity where intimacy bridges solitude, and shared dreams color the canvas of existence.

I've had a lot of conversations with couples as well as husbands and wives individually lately about what often gets called "duty sex" or "pity sex." For those who don't know, duty/pity sex is when one spouse gives in to sex, not because they desire it themselves, but because their spouse does. They might have sex for many reasons, including feeling obligated, pressured, guilty, to keep the peace or to "get them off their back."The problem is that these negative reasons are often the only ones considered, and so any situation in which one spouse wants sex and the other agrees to it without having an internal desire of their own is seen as unfavourable.But there are some excellent reasons to have what's commonly considered "duty sex" or "pity sex," and often, the conflicts I see in marriages are not that it's because of those reasons I mentioned above but instead about something positive and loving.So, in this podcast episode, we're going to talk about reframing duty sex in those situations.

Today I've got something a bit different than the usual fare. Last year, for our 100th episode, I had my eldest daughter present her 4H speech as I felt it fit the scope of this blog. This year, she wrote a part 2. She won at her local club, and placed second at districts. So, we thought we'd record a version for the podcast again. Rather than give away any of the speech, I'll just let you read it. If you do want to go back you can read the first speech here.

Topics include: The monthly masturbation challenge How do I make anal sex enjoyable for her? Periods and vacations and sex Aging and orgasm struggles How do I know if I’m in right? Does fantasizing about my husband make it a shared experience? Condoms for handjobs Resources for newlywed virgins

If you look online, you can find tons of videos, articles, podcasts, products and more about how to make yourself more attractive to your spouse or potential partners. I mean, it's everywhere. You can also find resources to help you make your spouse more attractive by changing them. What you don't see much of, though, are resources to help you change your mindset to make them seem more attractive to you without changing them. We all know the phrase "beauty is in the eye of the beholder," but rarely, if ever, is it used to recognize that you, as the beholder, can change what you're attracted to.

I made a post on social media some time ago saying, “Marriage is hard, divorce is hard, choose your hard,” and someone asked me if I then disagreed with some other bloggers and podcasters who say that marriage is and should be easy.  This post expands on what I wrote in response to that question.

A few years ago, I was talking to a client during a coaching call, and we got off on a bit of a tangent about condom use. I explained a few ways that people tend to lower the protection of condoms when they use them. He was, well, shocked because he'd done many of them and had no idea that every time he did that, he was increasing the chance of conception. And so, I've had this post idea on the back burner for quite a while until last week, when I mentioned in response to an anonymous question that if you don't want kids, you shouldn't have sex because even condoms and birth control are not perfectly effective when used correctly - and most people don't know they're not using them correctly. When I posted that, one of our supporters asked if I could write that post, so here we go, because, well, my supporters do so much for me, I'm happy to help them out. In this post, I'm only talking about the birth control effects, not the effect this could have on STDs/STIs. I'm also not going to address every birth control method, just the three I hear about the most. I’m also not going to be discussing natural family planning, but that is, at best, a delay method, not a method of birth control. So, here are things you may be doing to mess up your birth control plans.

Topics include: How do you use a vibrator? Is roleplaying marriage a sin? Will a dildo make me unsatisfied with my husband? Wife makes excuses about everything When to start talking to your kids about sex? Wife caught me watching porn Is masturbation without porn a sin?

The traditional wedding vows go something like "I take you to be my wife/husband, and I do promise and covenant, before God and these witnesses, to be your loving and faithful husband/wife in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live." Unfortunately, I don't remember my wedding vows. I remember picking some. I remember memorizing them. I remember reciting them, from memory, during the wedding, despite having the flu and a fever. But nearly 23 years later, I don't remember what they were. I'm sure they contained something like "in sickness and in health," though. This past month, we got to test those vows.