Your life is happening on Tuesdays too.
Brought to you by: Circle - the home for your digital business &The Substack Success Summit - get your free pass today.The sun goes down over the water here at around half past six in October. I know this now the way I used to know the Q3 reporting deadline. I know it because most evenings we go and look at it. My husband carries the bag, I carry the baby, and we walk down to the sea and stand there like tourists in our own life until the orange goes out.I want to tell you how strange that still feels, because the strangeness is the whole story.Somewhere in my late twenties I learned to feel a small guilt about enjoying a weekday. Not a crisis, nothing dramatic. More like a background hum. Monday to Friday were for proving something, and the proof had to be visible, and if someone had seen me standing on a beach at half past six on a Tuesday they would have assumed either that I was on holiday or that I had been fired. There was no third category. Being happy on a weekday with nothing to show for it was not something a serious woman did.I was a serious woman for fifteen years. I had the titles to prove it. In 2015 I was running a marketing function for a corporation and I could have told you the capacity of most airport lounges in Southeast Asia. I could not have told you what the light looked like in my own street at six in the evening, because I was never in it.BTW, I am speaking at the first Substack Success Summit this November. Come join me, free pass below:Then in 2017 the company came apart. It happened in the undignified way these things happen, with meetings about meetings, and when it was over I noticed that I had spent fifteen years of weekdays and the company had kept every one of them. The weekends I had spent recovering. The holidays I had spent planning the next holiday. The weekdays, which were most of my life by a factor of two and a half, had gone to a company that no longer existed.That arithmetic is the thing I want to give you first, before the walks and the sunsets, because I think most people have never actually done it.The week was designed by a man who made carsThe five-day week is not a law of nature. Henry Ford put his factories on it in 1926, and he did it for a reason that had nothing to do with your wellbeing. He wanted his workers to have enough time off to buy and drive the cars they were building. Two days of leisure was a marketing decision.A hundred years later we still live inside that decision, and we have decorated it with a whole philosophy. Weekdays are for effort. Weekends are for life. A holiday is a very large weekend. Retirement is a holiday that lasts until you die.Look at what that philosophy does to a year. Fifty-two Tuesdays, fifty-two Wednesdays, fifty-two Thursdays. Two hundred and sixty working days, and a culture that quietly agrees those are the days that don’t count. The days you get through. The days you spend so that you can have the other hundred.Nobody signs up for that in writing. You just absorb it, usually from a report card, and then from a boss, and after a while it feels like weather.The first thing I had to believe, really believe, not as a quote on a mug but as a thing I ran my calendar on, was that the two hundred and sixty are not the price of a life. They are the life. If Tuesday is bad, the year is bad, however good August is. You cannot save up presence for later and withdraw it at the weekend. Two days do not absorb five. If they could, nobody would need a holiday.What my daughter taught me about tiredI had my daughter at an age when the doctors use a special word for you on the forms. She is one now. People who meet her say the same thing, in slightly different ways: she’s so calm, she’s so easy, you got a good one.For a while I took the compliment. Then I started to notice when she was not calm.She is not calm when I am on my phone and pretending not to be. She is not calm when I come back from a call with the call still in my face. She is not calm when the adults in the room are somewhere else. She is a very accurate instrument for one thing, which is whether anyone is actually here.Most of the time, we are. That is not a personality trait of hers. It is the output of a house where nobody is spending Tuesday waiting for Saturday. She does not have to fight for attention because nothing is competing with her for it. A child who does not have to compete does not learn to scream for the prize.I am not telling you this to make you feel bad about your phone. I am telling you because it took me forty years to understand that tired is not a private feeling. A tired parent is a different parent. The tiredness goes into your voice, into how fast you say “in a minute,” into the hour after dinner when you are in the room and somewhere else entirely. The child pays for the tiredness, and the child did not sign the contract.For most of my career the one paying was me. I was the child of my own schedule. I would get to the weekend and have nothing left for the person I was supposed to be on it. Now there is someone smaller, and I have decided she is not paying.The childhood we are building her is not made of trips. We take her places, sure. But the thing she will remember, if she remembers anything from this year, is not a destination. It is the general temperature of the house. Two people who were not rushing. Two people who were not resenting Tuesday. That is the only inheritance I am confident will arrive.Something I only say behind the paywall: the calm is partly purchased, and I think you should know that before you compare yourself to it. The business pays for the hours I don’t cook. It pays for the people who make the small things disappear. Nobody is a present parent and a solo everything at the same time, and the women who seem to manage both have help they are not mentioning in the caption. I built the help into the business as a line item, not a confession. If you have been treating support as something you earn once you’re successful enough, turn it around. Support is how you get there. The 2-Hour Creator System in your vault has a section on what I pay for and what I stopped doing entirely. Read that section before you read the rest.The belief that made the sunset feel illegalSo why did a sunset on a Tuesday feel like shoplifting?I have thought about this a lot, usually on the walk down, and I think it is this. Somewhere early I absorbed the idea that a good life has to be paid for in advance, with discomfort, and that you are only allowed to enjoy it once the payment clears. Rest is earned. Joy is a reward. Being happy before the work is done is a kind of fraud.The belief is not stupid. It kept me employed. It got me promoted. It is the operating system of almost every ambitious woman I know, and most of them would describe it as “having high standards.”But look at what it does when you follow it to the end. You can never enjoy anything while it is happening, only after. And since there is always a next thing, “after” is a place you visit for about forty-eight hours and then leave. You spend your whole life in the queue for a room you only ever stand in on Saturday.The sentence I had to replace it with sounds too simple to be useful, so I will say it anyway. The payment is the life. There is no later. Tuesday at half past six is not the reward for a good week. It is what a good week is made of.I did not get there by deciding it. I got there by building something that made the decision possible, and that is the part I want to spend the rest of this article on, because belief without a structure is just a nicer way of being disappointed.A business that needs you is a job with worse hoursWhen I got serious about building online in 2022, I did not start with a product. I started with a list of things I was not willing to give up, and I wrote it down because I knew I would be tempted.Afternoons. Mornings with a baby, if the baby came. The ability to leave the house at six withou… This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit howwegrowtoday.substack.com/subscribe
