Ep #354: The Third Arrow: When Self-Shame Makes Everything Worse

#354: You know that feeling when your mom rearranges the table you just set, or your uncle makes that comment about your career, and suddenly you're spiraling?  That's the first arrow - the hurt. The second arrow is all the stories your mind creates about how “she always does this” or “nothing I do is right.” But there's a third arrow that I haven't found anyone really talking about, and it's the most damaging one. Join me this week to discover how to recognize the third arrow when it shows up. You'll learn specific remedies you can use right now when that shame spiral starts, including how to name it, change your nervous system state before trying to change your thoughts, and talk to yourself like someone you love. Because once you see the third arrow, you can't unsee it. And that awareness gives you a choice you didn't have before. Get full show notes, transcript, and more information here: https://beatrizalbina.com/354 Order your copy of End Emotional Outsourcing here: https://beatrizalbina.com/book/ Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/beatrizvictoriaalbinanp/?hl=enMentioned in this episode:Buy Your Copy of End Emotional Outsourcing Today!Please support the book by reviewing it on Amazon or Goodreads. It helps the book reach more folks who are still living in old survival patterns and don’t have language for it yet. Drop your screenshot at beatrizalbina.com/book and you’ll get access to thank-you gifts and raffles for free breathwork sessions, coaching, and audiobook copies. I appreciate you more than you know. Get your copy today: https://feminist-wellness.captivate.fm/bookEEO Pre-Sale

Tenderoni Hotline #8: This week on Feminist Wellness, I’m joined by the wise and wonderful Mary Jelkovsky, author, podcast host, and founder of Mary’s Cup of Tea, for a deep and playful conversation on healing emotional outsourcing, letting go of perfectionism, and reclaiming your self-worth. We explore how so many of us were conditioned to earn love by being agreeable, productive, or self-sacrificing, especially those of us who are eldest daughters, children of immigrants, or socialized as women in patriarchal systems. Together, we unpack the invisible pressure to be “good” and how it robs us of self-trust, the link between people-pleasing and nervous system dysregulation, and the cultural and generational stories that shape codependency and first-gen expectations. We talk about how to stop managing other people’s feelings and come back to your own, how projection shows up in relationships, and the power of presence work in interrupting old survival patterns.  You’ll laugh, reflect, and walk away with new insights into how emotional outsourcing shows up in your life and what it truly means to begin choosing you. Order your copy of End Emotional Outsouring here: https://beatrizalbina.com/book/ Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/beatrizvictoriaalbinanp/?hl=en Check out Mary’s podcast: Mary’s Cup of Tea: www.maryscupoftea.com

#353: My love, it’s that time of year again. The holidays are coming, and so are the family dynamics that can send your nervous system into overdrive. If you find that walking into your family home instantly turns you into your teenage self, you’re not alone… and you're not imagining it. Your nervous system is time-traveling. The smell of gravy, the sound of that one family laugh, your dad's aftershave - these sensory cues can fling your nervous system back to being thirteen before your brain even registers what's happening. Join me this week as I walk you through those real holiday moments that tend to light up an emotional outsourcing nervous system. You’ll learn my favorite pre-holiday prep tools that will help you stay grounded and teach your body what choice feels like in an environment where you never had any, one sensory detail at a time. Get full show notes, transcript, and more information here: https://beatrizalbina.com/353 Order your copy of End Emotional Outsourcing here: https://beatrizalbina.com/book/ Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/beatrizvictoriaalbinanp/?hl=enMentioned in this episode:Buy Your Copy of End Emotional Outsourcing Today!Please support the book by reviewing it on Amazon or Goodreads. It helps the book reach more folks who are still living in old survival patterns and don’t have language for it yet. Drop your screenshot at beatrizalbina.com/book and you’ll get access to thank-you gifts and raffles for free breathwork sessions, coaching, and audiobook copies. I appreciate you more than you know. Get your copy today: https://feminist-wellness.captivate.fm/bookEEO Pre-Sale

Tenderoni Hotline #7: Hello my love, and welcome back to the Tenderoni Hotline, our soft and spacious corner of The Feminist Wellness Podcast, where we explore your most tender questions about healing, nervous system care, and reclaiming your self-trust. In today’s episode, we’re diving into two deeply relatable questions that so many of us carry quietly. First, what’s really going on when you can’t stop thinking about your ex and keep reaching for “closure,” even though you know they won’t give you what you need? We’ll explore why this craving is less about them and more about your nervous system’s longing for completion, and how to create that sense of closure from within. Then we turn toward the ache of constantly seeking reassurance, even in a loving, safe relationship. If you find yourself asking “Are we okay?” again and again, this part is for you. We’ll unpack the roots of that pattern and talk about how to gently retrain your nervous system to trust safety, love, and steadiness without outsourcing your emotional security. You’ll walk away with nervous system-informed tools, a whole lot of compassion, and a deeper understanding of why your brain and body respond the way they do. Because you’re not broken. You’re healing. So settle in, grab your cozy beverage of choice, and let’s get into it. Got a question for the Tenderoni Hotline? Send it to me at: [email protected] Order your copy of End Emotional Outsouring here: https://beatrizalbina.com/book/ Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/beatrizvictoriaalbinanp/?hl=enMentioned in this episode:Buy Your Copy of End Emotional Outsourcing Today!Please support the book by reviewing it on Amazon or Goodreads. It helps the book reach more folks who are still living in old survival patterns and don’t have language for it yet. Drop your screenshot at beatrizalbina.com/book and you’ll get access to thank-you gifts and raffles for free breathwork sessions, coaching, and audiobook copies. I appreciate you more than you know. Get your copy today: https://feminist-wellness.captivate.fm/bookEEO Pre-Sale

#352: Ever catch yourself saying "yes" to something while your soul is screaming "absolutely not”? Maybe it's baking three dozen cupcakes for the office party when you're already running on fumes. Or RSVPing to an event that makes your spirit shrivel like a forgotten grape. Here's what might surprise you: these exhausting habits that I’ve coined emotional outsourcing aren’t character flaws. They're actually proof of your brilliance. Join me this week to learn how emotional outsourcing in action isn’t proof that you’re fundamentally broken, but rather survival skills that worked their adorable little hearts out for us and that need to be celebrated. You’ll learn what happens when we genuinely appreciate our survival strategies, and the difference between shame-based and love-based change.Get full show notes, transcript, and more information here: https://beatrizalbina.com/352 Order your copy of End Emotional Outsourcing here: https://beatrizalbina.com/book/ Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/beatrizvictoriaalbinanp/?hl=enMentioned in this episode:Buy Your Copy of End Emotional Outsourcing Today!Please support the book by reviewing it on Amazon or Goodreads. It helps the book reach more folks who are still living in old survival patterns and don’t have language for it yet. Drop your screenshot at beatrizalbina.com/book and you’ll get access to thank-you gifts and raffles for free breathwork sessions, coaching, and audiobook copies. I appreciate you more than you know. Get your copy today: https://feminist-wellness.captivate.fm/bookEEO Pre-Sale

Tenderoni Hotline #6: Hello my love, and welcome back to the Tenderoni Hotline, our soft and spacious corner of The Feminist Wellness Podcast, where I answer your most heartfelt questions about healing, nervous system care, and coming home to yourself. In today’s episode, we’re answering two beautiful and important questions from our community. First, we’re talking about what to do with a lifetime of suppressed anger, especially when your body feels too exhausted or fragile to let it out. If the thought of expressing your rage feels overwhelming or unsafe, you’re not alone. I’ll walk you through a gentle, somatic approach rooted in nervous system science and self-compassion to help you start moving that energy in a way that supports real healing. Then, we shift into a conversation about emotional outsourcing in the workplace, and how perfectionist, people-pleasing, and over-functioning habits can become survival strategies in environments that reward self-abandonment. If you’ve ever felt like your worth at work depends on your ability to stay small, agreeable, and endlessly available, this one’s for you. You’ll leave this episode with real tools, new insights, and loving reminders that you are not broken. You are adapting, surviving, and learning how to come home to yourself. So take a breath, grab a cozy something, and let’s get into it. Got a question for the Tenderoni Hotline? Send it to me at: [email protected] Order your copy of End Emotional Outsouring here: https://beatrizalbina.com/book/ Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/beatrizvictoriaalbinanp/?hl=enMentioned in this episode:Buy Your Copy of End Emotional Outsourcing Today!Please support the book by reviewing it on Amazon or Goodreads. It helps the book reach more folks who are still living in old survival patterns and don’t have language for it yet. Drop your screenshot at beatrizalbina.com/book and you’ll get access to thank-you gifts and raffles for free breathwork sessions, coaching, and audiobook copies. I appreciate you more than you know. Get your copy today: https://feminist-wellness.captivate.fm/bookEEO Pre-Sale

#351: Do you ever find yourself reminding your partner about their doctor's appointments (again)? Researching options for your adult child because they might get overwhelmed? Managing the family group chat so no one gets upset? You tell yourself you're being helpful, caring, responsible. That this is how you show love. But what if I told you that this kind of behavior is actually inherently disrespectful?  Join me this week to learn what overfunctioning looks like so you can recognize it in your own life, and how breaking free from it requires recognizing that real love trusts people's capability and respects their autonomy. You’ll discover how to offer support without taking over, honor people's right to make their own choices (even ones you disagree with), and create space for authentic connection instead of constant strategizing. Get full show notes, transcript, and more information here: https://beatrizalbina.com/351 Order your copy of End Emotional Outsourcing here: https://beatrizalbina.com/book/ Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/beatrizvictoriaalbinanp/?hl=enMentioned in this episode:Buy Your Copy of End Emotional Outsourcing Today!Please support the book by reviewing it on Amazon or Goodreads. It helps the book reach more folks who are still living in old survival patterns and don’t have language for it yet. Drop your screenshot at beatrizalbina.com/book and you’ll get access to thank-you gifts and raffles for free breathwork sessions, coaching, and audiobook copies. I appreciate you more than you know. Get your copy today: https://feminist-wellness.captivate.fm/bookEEO Pre-Sale

Tenderoni Hotline #5: Hello my love, and welcome back to the Tenderoni Hotline, our soft and spacious corner of The Feminist Wellness Podcast, where I answer your most heartfelt questions about healing, nervous system care, and coming home to yourself. In today’s episode, we’re talking about something so many of us feel but rarely name out loud: Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). If the darker months leave you feeling heavy, tired, withdrawn, or just not like yourself, this episode is for you. You’ll learn what SAD really is (hint: it’s not just “winter blues”) and how it impacts the body, brain, and nervous system. We’ll explore the role of light exposure, circadian rhythms, and hormones like melatonin and serotonin, and how all of this connects to your mood, energy, and emotional well-being. This conversation blends science, somatics, and self-compassion. Because you deserve to feel supported, connected, and empowered, even in the darker months. SAD might visit, but it doesn’t have to take over. So grab your sun lamp, your tea, your blanket, and let’s talk about what it means to care for your tender self through winter and beyond. Got a question for the Tenderoni Hotline? Send it to me at: [email protected] Order your copy of End Emotional Outsouring here: https://beatrizalbina.com/book/ Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/beatrizvictoriaalbinanp/?hl=enMentioned in this episode:Buy Your Copy of End Emotional Outsourcing Today!Please support the book by reviewing it on Amazon or Goodreads. It helps the book reach more folks who are still living in old survival patterns and don’t have language for it yet. Drop your screenshot at beatrizalbina.com/book and you’ll get access to thank-you gifts and raffles for free breathwork sessions, coaching, and audiobook copies. I appreciate you more than you know. Get your copy today: https://feminist-wellness.captivate.fm/bookEEO Pre-Sale

#350: Most of us know about vampires - they can't enter your home unless you invite them in. But what's even more fascinating is they don't just ask once. They keep asking, they keep pressing, they keep finding new ways to try to make you say yes. Because they know that most people, if pressed, will eventually cave. The less literal vampires in our everyday lives are the largely loving, well-meaning people who treat your "no, thank you" like a rough draft. They’re the ones who ask again and again until your boundaries become a negotiation, and your truth becomes something to overcome with polite social pressure. If you've ever felt guilty for maintaining your boundaries or found yourself saying "yes" just to stop the asking, this episode is for you. Listen in to learn why well-meaning people often ignore our boundaries, how this affects your nervous system, and how to hold a solid "no, thank you" without explanation or justification. Get full show notes, transcript, and more information here: https://beatrizalbina.com/350 Order your copy of End Emotional Outsourcing here: https://beatrizalbina.com/book/ Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/beatrizvictoriaalbinanp/?hl=enMentioned in this episode:Buy Your Copy of End Emotional Outsourcing Today!Please support the book by reviewing it on Amazon or Goodreads. It helps the book reach more folks who are still living in old survival patterns and don’t have language for it yet. Drop your screenshot at beatrizalbina.com/book and you’ll get access to thank-you gifts and raffles for free breathwork sessions, coaching, and audiobook copies. I appreciate you more than you know. Get your copy today: https://feminist-wellness.captivate.fm/bookEEO Pre-Sale

Tenderoni Hotline #4: Hello my love! Welcome back to the Tenderoni Hotline, our cozy corner of the Feminist Wellness podcast where I answer your most tender, honest, and heartfelt questions about healing, self-trust, and nervous system care. In today’s episode, we’re exploring what happens when you finally find the courage to speak your truth, only to be met with defensiveness, blame, or long explanations that leave you feeling unseen and small. We’ll talk about why this happens in the body, how your nervous system perceives defensiveness as danger, and how your own body might freeze, fawn, or shut down in response. You’ll learn somatic tools to help you stay grounded in your truth, even when the person in front of you can’t meet you there. We’ll also unpack what emotional outsourcing really means and how codependent, perfectionist, or people-pleasing habits actually live in the body. You’ll discover how your nervous system learned early on to locate safety, love, and belonging in other people’s moods or opinions, and how somatic work can gently rewire that pattern so you can begin to feel safe inside yourself again. This conversation is tender, compassionate, and rooted in science. Because you deserve relationships where honesty feels safe, boundaries are respected, and love doesn’t require self-abandonment. Got a question for the Tenderoni Hotline? Send it to me at: [email protected] Order your copy of End Emotional Outsouring here: https://beatrizalbina.com/book/ Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/beatrizvictoriaalbinanp/?hl=enMentioned in this episode:Buy Your Copy of End Emotional Outsourcing Today!Please support the book by reviewing it on Amazon or Goodreads. It helps the book reach more folks who are still living in old survival patterns and don’t have language for it yet. Drop your screenshot at beatrizalbina.com/book and you’ll get access to thank-you gifts and raffles for free breathwork sessions, coaching, and audiobook copies. I appreciate you more than you know. Get your copy today: https://feminist-wellness.captivate.fm/bookEEO Pre-Sale