357: Loving the Irrational, Living with the Stuck, Losing the One

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro 01:39 Q1: I’ve alerted my wife that she has distortions, but she still has them! 18:53 Irrational emotions vs distortions 29:48 Q2: Why would someone complain about their job but do nothing differently? 47:51 Q3: How can I get over the loss of my husband? 57:33 Final thoughts Q1: Dear Dr Lisle, pop psychology advises men to validate their wives emotions but how do I validate something that is objectively invalid. I have taken your advice and have tried explaining to her that she has distortions in her personality that cause her to screw her perspective in a way that creates irrational emotions but that only makes her more angry. How can you get someone to see that they are interpreting reality incorrectly?   Q2: Why would a person constantly complain, get good advice and solutions, then do absolutely nothing? A person I know works a job they hate, that takes way too much time off them, and pays far to little. They complain bitterly and regularly to friends and family, get all hyped about changing things up, then proceed to do nothing but get back to complaining. I'd like to not give a damn but unfortunately I live with this person.   Q3: How to get over loss of a loved one other than “time heals all wounds?” I’m 38 years old and I lost my husband 10 years ago. Since then I’ve isolated myself and pretty much knew for a fact that I would be single for life. I tried going on a few dates but I wasn’t attracted to any of them because deep down I know that I am still in love with my husband, even though ten years have passed. I feel depressed because I often feel lonely, but it’s not a loneliness that can be alleviated with friends or family, it’s because I miss my husband. Is there anything I could do to move on?   X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 0:00 Teaser Clips 0:32 Q1 Nephew is suicidal, but he called to tell me 09:19 The psychology of suicide 30:08 Follow up question from E355 37:20 Q2 My husband is addicted to marijuana – can he change? 53:07 Q3: I’m one month sober – can it last? 1:14:19 Conclusion Q1: What do you do when a family member calls you and tells you that they are suicidal?  Last night I received a phone call from my 35 year old nephew telling me he was suicidal.  Growing up he was my favorite nephew but I haven’t seen him for over 20 year because he lives on the other side of the country and I was estranged from his father, my brother, who dies ten years ago. That’s when his life fell apart.  Before that he was a very likeable, bright, college graduate, financially successful and an extremely fit and healthy young man.   Now he is obese, severely depressed, has an alcohol and gambling addiction and on multiple psych meds, just waiting to “get his meds right”.  He did read Anatomy of an Epidemic and did a 60 day stint in a rehab and tried AA but felt “he didn’t need to be there”.  He was such a great kid so I’m heartbroken that his life has spiraled so out of control that he wants to end it. 😞Is there anything hope for him to turn his life around and where do you suggest he starts?   Q2: My husband is addicted to marijuana. He smokes it every day from morning to night, at home and at work. His parents and I have all tried to talk to him about his behaviour and how worried we are for his health. He's almost 40 years old and has been smoking since he was a teenager. I know I'm the bigger fool for being married to him but he's more than just the addiction, he is a hard worker and does everything for me a wife could want. And I do love him. Is there any hope of changing his behaviour, can he be persuaded to change? He was a cigarette smoker when we met and he quit when I asked him to. I feel like he should be able to quit marijuana too. I keep hoping, and waiting.   Q3: Dr. Lisle, I am 1 month sober from alcohol. I am keeping no alcohol in the home, to "take it out of season". But I am worried about relapsing, since that is common. How do I stop the sneaky voice in my head that will tell me it's okay to drink? My drinking had gotten entirely out of hand and dangerous. Is it important to follow any practices for mental and social health to remain sober for life (like most sober resources seem to promote), outside of just concentrating my thoughts on keeping alcohol "out of season"? For context, although I follow the McDougall diet where food choices are concerned, I on purpose allow myself to binge out on something "off-menu-rich" as a treat every month or 2 without "falling off the wagon" and getting more treats after they're gone, and I always maintain my ideal weight (I am very thin and athletic regardless of my food addiction, because I stick to the right foods other than that 'once-every-month-or-2' chocolate or candy binge). I'm worried this same mindset will carry over to alcohol and trick me into drinking again. I don't have a social circle of friends for support, to which my drinking contributed to, and I am an introvert.   X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 0:00 Teaser Clips 0:22 Q1 Husband just decided he no longer wants kids 18:08 What could have gone wrong?    27:01 Cinderella Effect 32:06 Q2 I’m pregnant and need emotional support, but my husband is focused on his business 44:10 Conclusion Q1: I’m a 39 year old woman and my husband has just decided that he no longer wants to have kids. We talked extensively about this before getting married, I explained to him how important this was to me and he agreed that he wants kids as well. Now, a few months into the marriage, he changed his mind and doesn’t want them anymore. This is honestly a dealbreaker for me. My problem is that I love him, and if I leave him now, there is no guarantee that I will ever find another man to have kids with, much less love. I’m 39 years old so my biological clock is ticking and I don’t have much time left and I know finding someone to have kids with takes a long time. What should I do? Should I leave him and risk never finding anyone else to love and have kids with, or stay with him, hoping he will change his mind or let go of my lifelong dream to have kids?  Q2: I have a baby due soon, but my partner is going through a tough time with his business which is causing him huge emotional distress at a time when I need his emotional support. He is stressed and entirely consumed with ruminations about his business (although financially everything is OK). Part of me feels resentful, part of me wants to make him happy. How can we navigate this reality without damaging our relationship in the meantime? We have love, commitment, kids and mortgage together and I'm happy in the relationship except for the fact that 99% of his mental energy is now going into his business with not much left for me and new baby.   X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. Q1: How does one know if or when it is time to settle in dating? I’m 45 years old and have only dated men who I would consider a friend, and have never met anyone who excites me like a romantic partner would. Therefore, I let these men go, kept looking for the next best thing and never found it. Is there a point in life where we should just realize that this partner is the best we are ever going to get even though they are different than what we imagined? Is there a point where we should settle and stop looking even if we are not super excited about that person and how do we know when? At 45 I still consider myself good looking but I’m past my prime, so should I just settle for one of these “friends”? 0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro 1:35 Q1 - Should I lower my standards and settle?  I'm 45 and haven't yet found a partner that excites me. 5:45 General mood model – where does excitement comes from? 14:13 A common strategy for women 18:23 Women are told to lower their standards 23:41 Why are looks so important?   28:40 Changing the strategy 31:15 A request for David Buss or Geoffrey Miller – is there scientific evidence for Repeat Exposure in women? 37:11 Things to watch out for.   X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro 0:51 My wife hired an escort but says it wasn’t technically cheating!  19:01 I’m going to grad school to find a rich husband, but I’m not that into it 40:38 Scratching the psychological itch to get revenge Question 1: Dear Dr. Lisle, I’m a 38 year old male and I work very long hours in finance. My wife, who is 27, and I have been going through a sort of dead bedroom situation for the past few months because I have been working 16-18 hours a day and sleeping about 4 hours per night. She is a housewife so she stays at home all day. Recently I just found out that my wife has been paying for and meeting with a male escort twice a week for the past three months while I was working. She confirmed that they did sleep together every time they met. She says that this is not technically cheating because she paid for his consent, so basically he didn’t want to have sex with her, he just did it for money so this shouldn’t count as cheating. She said there are no romantic feelings between them, but she hired the same guy for the past three months so obviously she’s attracted to him. Then she tried to blame it on me for working too much and not being there for her. Maybe I’m overreacting, but I feel heartbroken and betrayed. Is she right in saying that hiring an escort doesn’t count as cheating? Who is in the wrong here, me for working too much and neglecting her, or her for paying for sex and companionship outside the marriage? I don’t know if I should stay with her or not, I love her but I’m furious with her for taking advantage of my good nature and spending thousands of dollars of my hard earned money so she can sleep with someone else. Question 2: Is it wrong to go to grad school with the primary goal of finding a smart, conscientious, potentially rich husband? I’m a second year dental school student, but I’m honestly here mostly to put myself in an environment surrounded by intelligent hardworking men, so I can have something in common with them and make them see me as wife material. I’m also hoping the repeat exposure would help. I am scraping by in school, passing but not too passionate about it as my main goal in life is to be a housewife to a rich husband. I’m just hoping to use the doctorate degree as an accessory to attract these men. Am I wrong in the way I’m thinking? P.S. Otherwise, where would I meet such men, on dating apps? I don’t think so. Question 3: Does Dr. Lisle have any strategies for scratching the psychological itch to get revenge when someone has wronged you? Over two years ago, a long term “friend” betrayed me in an undeniable way and never acknowledged it or seemed remorseful.  We are no longer friends and don’t even talk, but have many mutual friends so he is somewhat in my life. I feel that he owes me a debt and sometimes ruminate about it. I have a near constant underlying feeling that I want him to experience the shock and betrayal that I did, and that I would be willing to facilitate it if I could.  I try to put my energy into developing other, more authentic relationships and into healthy living. Is living well actually the best revenge? I am not feeling that yet and would like to serve it cold instead. Any thoughts?   X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.  0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro 1:09 My son doesn’t work, spends all day in his room, and lacks interest or motivation 17:08 What causes motivation? 21:40 I married a man I don’t love 25 years ago 42:24 Very happy with my partner of 12 years, but want to experience someone else as a comparison   Question 1: I have a very difficult adult child. My 23yo easily got a college degree at 21yo in computer science with excellent grades. Despite the warnings and encouragement, he’s never worked a day. Otherwise a very bright kid, he spends all day in his room online, has no friends or social life. He did about 5 interviews that went horribly and decided he no longer wants to try. He’s been telling us he has no intention of working and does not care what happens. He’s been in therapy and on meds for the last year but it has not helped. We’ve tried to be supportive and firm, but nothing works or makes sense. I don’t see depression, just disinterest, lack of motivation and low confidence. If he needs the car (which is rare) he borrows his mothers. We tried cutting off the internet and access to the car and he spent a month locked in his room without talking to us and lost 20lbs. We don’t buy him anything. We pay for family health care as we are still working and he has a younger brother, but that wont be forever. We pay insurance for 3 cars. Our plan was to retire , sell the house and downsize to the beach in a few years. We still plan to do it, but apparently it will be with him. We worry about his mental state and healthcare. I don’t think any healthy person would chose this path. He has admitted he is losing at life and not very normal - he speaks with a scary level of clarity and self awareness about it. His life and options will be sad and very limited if he does not snap out of this. We worry. Many who have told us to kick him out have not been through this and often don’t even have kids. We never could have seen this coming and we don’t know what to do.   Question 2: I’m a 50 year old woman. About 25 years ago I married a man I didn’t and still don’t love only for financially security. I have a college degree but I never worked in my life, not even a summer job in high school or college. If I leave my husband whom I don’t love, I will have to get a job but how can I if I’m 50 years old and never worked. No one will hire me because others my age have 20+ years of experience. Should I just stay with my husband even though I don’t love him?   Question 3: I’ve been in a relationship for 12 years, and we’ve been living together for 2 years now. We’re both almost 30, not married, but really happy together— of course, with our ups and downs. We’re very close, but also independent; we make plans together as a couple, but also have our own plans with friends. The sex is good. We’ve never been with anyone else sexually, or even kissed anyone else, which shocks everyone. I’m really happy with him, and I know I want to continue my life with him, with him being the father of my future child. But sometimes, I feel like I’d like to have an experience with someone else— not with anyone specific, just to try it, to have a comparison, or to experience something different. At the same time, I know he wouldn’t want that, and it’s something he would never accept. So, if I were to do this, I’d have to keep it a secret, and I’m really afraid of that— if he finds out, or if it changes how I feel about him. I don’t know. What do you think?   X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast    

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, Dr. Lisle discusses a listener’s question about transference and counter-transference.    0:00 Intro 0:57 Question #1 2:46 A synopsis of psycho-dynamic thinking 9:36 Psycho-dynamic thinking is naïve and bizarre 11:21 What is a therapeutic relationship 20:10  Attraction can occur in a therapeutic relationship 26:50 ‘Transference’ from therapist’s past experiences 33:43 Therapeutic dynamic is usually not a burden or threat 37:36 Warning sign that something is out of line 45:38 What drew Dr. Lisle to be a psychologist   X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, we discuss a recent survey reported by survey artist, @Aella_Girl (on X).  This survey reveals some interesting deductions about human mating difficulties in finding our “Magic 10%”. Dr. Lisle explains what the term “Magic 10%” means, and we then go over 2 listener questions – the first is whether sexuality is learned or conditioned, specifically bisexual fantasies, and then our last question is about a family member whose recent cancer diagnosis has caused them to act in a puzzling way.  0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro 2:05 Aella_Girl has conducted a survey with very interesting results 15:32 Attractiveness rating 2D vs 3D 22:32 Innate delusion makes it hard to find a mate, but when you do it feels amazing 28:05 What is “the Magic 10%”? 41:05 Identifying as a heterosexual woman but still being aroused by women I identify as heterosexual but I find myself to be more sexually aroused by women’s bodies than men’s, even though I only date men in a romantic setting. Even when I’m with my boyfriend, I have to fantasize about naked women in order to orgasm, but I could not imagine courting or being courted by a woman. Am I so attracted to the female body because as a society we have been conditioned to view the female body as a sexual object regardless of our sexual orientation? Ever since I was a child, all I saw on tv was sexy females in movies advertisements, etc. Could this have affected my sexual orientation, like if I was born straight, could media influence have skewed me a bit toward homosexuality? I know it is common especially for women to be aroused by both sexes. Or am I just a closeted bisexual? 51:33 Family member with aggressive cancer making rash decisions My family member was recently diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and has less than 6 months to live. She is young (in her 30s) but appears to have made peace with this reality and is happier than I have ever seen her. She wants to continue to live her life normally, but in the last few weeks she has made some rash decisions (like ending the relationship she was in, her boyfriend was planning to propose and was left extremely confused).  I am very shocked by her reaction and her peace with everything, as I am struggling. Many other family members and her close friends feel the same way. We want to be more present in her life but she insists on keeping us at a distance and continuing to live just as she did before. How can I change my perspective and also make peace with not treating her differently? 56:28 End   X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast  

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, Dr. Lisle discusses the idea of “going crazy”, a question about personality and intelligence testing, a question about disagreeable co-workers, and a follow-up from episode 347. 0:00 Teaser Clips 1:23 Question 1: Woman cheats on her husband then snaps 9:57 Can it be induced by psychiatric medications 12:22 Question 2 – Are there errors/biases in personality or intelligence testing? 23:40 What are some limitations to personality or intelligence testing? 30:02 Do personality or intelligence tests change throughout life? 34:58 What is an IQ test? 38:50 Question 3: Are my problematic/disagreeable female co-workers less estrogenized? 47:47 Question 4: Follow-up from past episode 1:10:45 End   X: @BeatYourGenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, Dr. Lisle gves us an update on his upcoming book, and we take a question from a listener who is rethinking a friendship with their friends’ husband following the death of his wife. 0:00 Teasers and Intro 0:23 Year in Review and Book Update 23:42  Friend acting unbothered following his wife’s death – what might be going on?    1.  My wife had a best friend since 5yrs old up until last year when she got an extremely aggressive cancer at the age of 42 which unfortunately took her life in only a few shorts months since diagnosis. As you can imagine it caused a great deal of sadness for my wife, myself, and her friends and family. Her husband on the other hand at least from outside seems to have a totally different response to this situation. At her funeral there was not any look of sadness or not even one tear on his face. No one took much notice as of course people have different reactions to bad situations. However in the coming few months we learned that he was already on dating apps and not long after that found another girlfriend and it’s like nothing happened. It’s like he lost a business partner and just got another. This culminated when he rang my wife to ask her if this new girlfriend can come to my son’s communion to which she was put on the spot and found it hard to say no. The event was very awkward and I was angry that he put her in that position.  My question is this, what should I make of this person? My feelings towards him have changed. I no longer want his kids and mine playing together as I don’t want to interact with the new girlfriend neither does my wife. How does someone move on so fast after a near 20 yr marriage? I’m confused and angered by all of this. It feels like a betrayal of her memory. Can you share your opinion of this situation?   Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast