Optimisation Culture : Why We Never Feel Enough

Episode OverviewWhy can a delayed reply, a critical comment or a relationship ending feel so emotionally overwhelming?In this episode, we talk about rejection sensitivity — the tendency to strongly react to real or perceived rejection, criticism or exclusion.We explore why rejection can feel less like a single disappointing moment and more like proof that you’re unwanted, unimportant or not enough. We also look at how this can lead to overthinking, over-explaining, apologising, withdrawing or avoiding situations where you might be judged.In this episode, we discuss:What rejection sensitivity can look and feel likeWhy small moments can trigger such intense reactionsThe connection between rejection, belonging and self-worthWhy logic often doesn’t calm the nervous systemHow fear of rejection can quietly shrink your lifeSeparating what happened from what you made it meanPausing before reacting, explaining or seeking reassuranceWhy being rejected is not the same as being unworthyRejection will always hurt. The work isn’t to stop caring. It’s to stop treating other people’s responses as the final truth about who you are.BetterHelp Paid Partnership - Get 10% off your first monthIf you’re struggling, consider therapy with our paid partner BetterHelp. Visit https://betterhelp.com/youkeepmesane for a 10% discount on your first month of therapy.BetterHelp makes it easy to find a therapist who suits your needs. Their online platform connects you with credentialed therapists, and if your first match isn’t the right fit, you can switch.Links:Download Enough - Our Self Worth Reset.Follow YKMS Podcast on IG @youkeepmesane.pod  Follow YKMS on FB https://www.facebook.com/YouKeepMeSanePodEmail us at  [email protected] to our Newsletter: https://www.youkeepmesane.com/subscribe/Hosts: Aileen Harvey & Julie FahySee https://www.buzzsprout.com/privacy for privacy informationDisclaimer: Remember, we’re two friends sharing our personal experiences and discussing everyday challenges. We’re not qualified coaches or therapists, and our content is for general information and supportive conversation only. If you need professional help, please seek advice from a licensed therapist.

Every scroll tells us there is something else to improve - our body, sleep, health, productivity, appearance or mindset.In this episode, we talk about how self-improvement can quietly become another form of pressure, especially in midlife. When every part of life becomes something to fix or track, we stop feeling like people and start feeling like projects.We discuss:Why wellness can feel like another full-time jobHow tracking can disconnect us from our bodiesThe difference between self-care and self-correctionWhy accepting change is not the same as giving upHow optimisation can become conditional self-worthTakeaways:You can care for yourself without constantly trying to fix yourself.Your needs now may be different from ten years ago.Rest does not need to be earned.You can want to feel better without believing you are broken.You do not have to be optimised to be worthy.If this resonated with you, please let us know. We love hearing your comments. You can email us at [email protected] or DM us on instagram @youkeepmesane.pod.BetterHelp Paid Partnership - Get 10% off your first monthIf you’re struggling, consider therapy with our paid partner BetterHelp. Visit https://betterhelp.com/youkeepmesane for a 10% discount on your first month of therapy.BetterHelp makes it easy to find a therapist who suits your needs. Their online platform connects you with credentialed therapists, and if your first match isn’t the right fit, you can switch.Links:Download Enough - Our Self Worth Reset.Follow YKMS Podcast on IG @youkeepmesane.pod  Follow YKMS on FB https://www.facebook.com/YouKeepMeSanePodEmail us at  [email protected] to our Newsletter: https://www.youkeepmesane.com/subscribe/Hosts: Aileen Harvey & Julie FahySee https://www.buzzsprout.com/privacy for privacy informationDisclaimer: Remember, we’re two friends sharing our personal experiences and discussing everyday challenges. We’re not qualified coaches or therapists, and our content is for general information and supportive conversation only. If you need professional help, please seek advice from a licensed therapist.

Episode OverviewHave you ever caught yourself snapping, shutting down, feeling flat, or reacting in a way that doesn’t feel like you?In this episode, we talk about how stress can make us feel like we’ve become a different person - less patient, less warm, less fun, more defensive, more resentful, or simply unable to enjoy things we usually would.We explore the difference between someone’s personality and their stress response, especially when life has been stretching them for too long.This isn’t about excusing hurtful behaviour. Boundaries matter. Repair matters. But there’s a big difference between saying, “I’m a horrible person,” and saying, “I’m overloaded, and this is coming out sideways.”Key Discussion PointsHow stress can make ordinary questions, plans, or requests feel like one demand too many.Why overwhelm can change our tone, patience, humour, warmth, and ability to enjoy good things.The difference between someone’s core character and how they behave when they’re anxious, overloaded, or dysregulated.How shame turns stress into self-attack — especially when we start asking, “Why can’t I cope?” instead of “What am I carrying?”Listener TakeawaysThe stressed version of you isn’t the whole of who you are.Feeling snappy, flat, defensive, or withdrawn may be a sign your nervous system has been under pressure for too long.Repair is more useful than shame. You can own your behaviour without turning it into your identity.When we understand our own stress response, it can help us respond with more compassion to our children, partners, friends, and ourselves.Mentioned in This EpisodeIf this conversation speaks to something deeper around self-worth, boundaries, shame, people-pleasing, or feeling like you’re never enough, we’ll pop the link to Enough in the show notes.It’s our self-worth guide and a simple place to start untangling some of these patterns.Join the ConversationHave you noticed stress changing the way you show up?Have you ever looked at yourself and thought, “This isn’t me”?Or have you seen someone you love become almost unrecognisable when they’re overwhelmed?We’d love to hear your thoughts. Send us a DM, leave us a voice note, or come and continue the conversation with us on Instagram.BetterHelp Paid Partnership - Get 10% off your first monthIf you’re struggling, consider therapy with our paid partner BetterHelp. Visit https://betterhelp.com/youkeepmesane for a 10% discount on your first month of therapy.BetterHelp makes it easy to find a therapist who suits your needs. Their online platform connects you with credentialed therapists, and if your first match isn’t the right fit, you can switch.Links:Download Enough - Our Self Worth Reset.Follow YKMS Podcast on IG @youkeepmesane.pod  Follow YKMS on FB https://www.facebook.com/YouKeepMeSanePodEmail us at  [email protected] to our Newsletter: https://www.youkeepmesane.com/subscribe/Hosts: Aileen Harvey & Julie FahySee https://www.buzzsprout.com/privacy for privacy informationDisclaimer: Remember, we’re two friends sharing our personal experiences and discussing everyday challenges. We’re not qualified coaches or therapists, and our content is for general information and supportive conversation only. If you need professional help, please seek advice from a licensed therapist.

Episode OverviewIn this episode, we read a listener letter from Sarah, who describes something many women feel but rarely say out loud - the quiet sense of being “in between” versions of themselves.Life looks good on paper. Nothing is obviously wrong. But something doesn’t feel quite right either.We explore what happens when the roles we’ve held for years start to loosen, and instead of clarity, we’re met with questions. This is a conversation about identity, change, and why this stage of life can feel so unsettling - even when everything looks fine.Key Discussion PointsFeeling “in between” versions of yourself and why it’s more common than we thinkThe shift from being needed to having space - and what that brings upWhy finding your voice can feel unsettling, not empoweringLetting go of the pressure to have everything figured outListener TakeawaysFeeling lost doesn’t mean something’s wrong - it often means something’s changingYou don’t need all the answers right nowThis phase is less about certainty and more about discoveryYou’re not alone in feeling this wayJoin the ConversationHave you ever felt like you’re in between versions of yourself?Not quite who you were, but not sure who you’re becoming?We’d love to hear from you.Send us a DM or email us at [email protected] - your story might help someone else feel less alone.Links:Download Enough - Our Self Worth Reset.Follow YKMS Podcast on IG @youkeepmesane.pod  Follow YKMS on FB https://www.facebook.com/YouKeepMeSanePodEmail us at  [email protected] to our Newsletter: https://www.youkeepmesane.com/subscribe/Hosts: Aileen Harvey & Julie FahySee https://www.buzzsprout.com/privacy for privacy informationDisclaimer: Remember, we’re two friends sharing our personal experiences and discussing everyday challenges. We’re not qualified coaches or therapists, and our content is for general information and supportive conversation only. If you need professional help, please seek advice from a licensed therapist.

Episode OverviewIn this episode, we’re joined by menopause practitioner Laura Lambe for a clear, reassuring conversation about what really happens to women during perimenopause, menopause and post-menopause.We talk about why so many women feel blindsided by this phase — the brain fog, fatigue, body changes, sleep issues, anxiety, low confidence, and the feeling that the old rules no longer work.Laura explains why this isn’t a personal failing. Your body is going through one of the biggest biological shifts it will ever experience, and many women are trying to navigate it with very little education, support or proper information.This conversation is about moving from confusion to clarity, understanding what your body is asking for, and remembering that you haven’t disappeared. You’re still in there.Key Discussion PointsWhy so many women enter perimenopause or menopause feeling confused, unsettled and unsure of what’s happening in their body.Why women are often told their bloods are “normal” or that they’re “too young,” leaving them questioning themselves.How menopause can affect confidence, identity, mood, work, relationships and self-worth - not just physical symptoms.The role of sleep, fatigue, gut health, protein, fibre, bone density, muscle mass and stress in this phase of life.Why Laura encourages women to move from confusion to clarity before trying to fix everything at once.How diet culture, under-eating, cutting carbs and over-exercising can catch up with women in midlife.The loneliness many women feel when partners don’t understand the impact of menopause on mood, libido, energy and confidence.Why Laura warns against the noise of menopause marketing, quick fixes and supplement overload.Listener TakeawaysYou are not lazy because you’re exhausted.Menopause is not just physical - it can affect how you see yourself.If the old rules have stopped working, it may be because your body needs a different kind of support now.Sleep and fatigue can affect everything: mood, motivation, brain fog, cravings and stress tolerance.Proper information matters. So does filtering out the noise from social media.Food, movement, rest, HRT, supplements and lifestyle changes can all be part of the toolbox, but there is no one-size-fits-all answer.You would probably never call a friend lazy for struggling — so try not to speak to yourself that way either.You haven’t lost yourself forever. You’re still in there.Join the ConversationThis episode is such an important reminder that menopause isn’t just about hot flushes or periods stopping. It can affect how we feel in our bodies, how we show up in our relationships, how we work, how we parent, and how much we trust ourselves.We’d love to know:Have you ever felt like you stopped recognising yourself during perimenopause or menopause?Come and join the conversation with us on Instagram. We’d love to hear what this episode brings up for you.BetterHelp Paid Partnership - Get 10% off your first monthIf you’re struggling, consider therapy with our paid partner BetterHelp. Visit https://betterhelp.com/youkeepmesane for a 10% discount on your first month of therapy.BetterHelp makes it easy to find a therapist who suits your needs. Their online platform connects you with credentialed therapists, and if your first match isn’t the right fit, you can switch.Links:Download Enough - Our Self Worth Reset.Follow YKMS Podcast on IG @youkeepmesane.pod  Follow YKMS on FB https://www.facebook.com/YouKeepMeSanePodEmail us at  [email protected] to our Newsletter: https://www.youkeepmesane.com/subscribe/Hosts: Aileen Harvey & Julie FahySee https://www.buzzsprout.com/privacy for privacy informationDisclaimer: Remember, we’re two friends sharing our personal experiences and discussing everyday challenges. We’re not qualified coaches or therapists, and our content is for general information and supportive conversation only. If you need professional help, please seek advice from a licensed therapist.

Episode OverviewWhy does joy feel harder to access in midlife - even when nothing is technically “wrong”? In this episode, we unpack that quiet heaviness so many of us carry and explore why joy can feel distant during this stage of life.What We Talk AboutWhy joy doesn’t disappear-it just gets buried under responsibility and mental loadHow modern life (and being “always on”) keeps us stuck in stress modeThe guilt that can come with letting ourselves feel goodFinding joy again in small, everyday momentsListener TakeawaysYou’re not broken if you don’t feel joyful - you’re likely just carrying a lotJoy isn’t something you wait for; it’s something you allow in small waysIt might look different now - quieter, simpler, but still meaningfulEven a few minutes of something that feels like you can shift everythingJoin the ConversationHave you felt this quiet loss of joy? Or found something small that brings it back? We’d love to hear from you - send us a message or voice note and be part of the conversation.BetterHelp Paid Partnership - Get 10% off your first monthIf you’re struggling, consider therapy with our paid partner BetterHelp. Visit https://betterhelp.com/youkeepmesane for a 10% discount on your first month of therapy.BetterHelp makes it easy to find a therapist who suits your needs. Their online platform connects you with credentialed therapists, and if your first match isn’t the right fit, you can switch.Links:Download Enough - Our Self Worth Reset.Follow YKMS Podcast on IG @youkeepmesane.pod  Follow YKMS on FB https://www.facebook.com/YouKeepMeSanePodEmail us at  [email protected] to our Newsletter: https://www.youkeepmesane.com/subscribe/Hosts: Aileen Harvey & Julie FahySee https://www.buzzsprout.com/privacy for privacy informationDisclaimer: Remember, we’re two friends sharing our personal experiences and discussing everyday challenges. We’re not qualified coaches or therapists, and our content is for general information and supportive conversation only. If you need professional help, please seek advice from a licensed therapist.

Episode OverviewThis week, we’re returning to something we haven’t done in a while - reading a listener letter. And this one stopped us in our tracks.Elsa writes about something so many of us quietly carry: doing well on paper, yet feeling like we’re one step away from being found out. The overthinking, the over-preparing, the constant questioning - it’s exhausting.In this conversation, we unpack imposter syndrome through a self-worth lens. Why it often shows up in capable, high-achieving women. Why confidence doesn’t always follow experience. And why this might be less about competence - and more about self-trust.Key Discussion PointsWhy imposter syndrome often shows up in high achieversThe gap between how life looks externally and how it feels internallyOverthinking, over-preparing, and the mental exhaustion that followsComparing ourselves to others who seem more confidentThe difference between a competence gap and a self-trust gapWhy confidence isn’t a prerequisite for showing upListener TakeawaysYou’re not the only one - imposter syndrome is far more common than we thinkFeeling like you’ll be “found out” doesn’t mean it’s trueConfidence doesn’t automatically come with experience or successAwareness is the first step—notice the pattern, don’t immediately believe itYou don’t need to feel fully ready or certain to take your placeSelf-worth isn’t built on getting everything right—it’s built on trusting yourself  If this episode resonated, you can start rebuilding your self-worth with our guide  ENOUGHBetterHelp Paid Partnership - Get 10% off your first monthIf you’re struggling, consider therapy with our paid partner BetterHelp. Visit https://betterhelp.com/youkeepmesane for a 10% discount on your first month of therapy.BetterHelp makes it easy to find a therapist who suits your needs. Their online platform connects you with credentialed therapists, and if your first match isn’t the right fit, you can switch.Links:Download Enough - Our Self Worth Reset.Follow YKMS Podcast on IG @youkeepmesane.pod  Follow YKMS on FB https://www.facebook.com/YouKeepMeSanePodEmail us at  [email protected] to our Newsletter: https://www.youkeepmesane.com/subscribe/Hosts: Aileen Harvey & Julie FahySee https://www.buzzsprout.com/privacy for privacy informationDisclaimer: Remember, we’re two friends sharing our personal experiences and discussing everyday challenges. We’re not qualified coaches or therapists, and our content is for general information and supportive conversation only. If you need professional help, please seek advice from a licensed therapist.

Episode OverviewIn this episode, we explore something that’s been sitting underneath so many of our conversations lately… cortisol.What started as disrupted sleep and feeling constantly “on” quickly became something deeper. Because when you really look at cortisol, it’s not just about stress - it’s about how we live, what we carry, and what we believe about our own worth.This conversation moves beyond quick fixes and into a more honest question: Why is it so hard to slow down… even when we know we need to?💬 Key Discussion Points Why waking at 1–3am might be more than just “bad sleep”  Why stress hits differently in midlife  The link between cortisol and self-worth 🌿 Listener Takeaways If you’re feeling exhausted, wired, inflamed or foggy… there’s nothing wrong with you  Cortisol isn’t just about stress  it’s about what you haven’t allowed yourself to stop  Slowing down can feel uncomfortable when your worth is tied to doing If this sounds familiar - waking at 3am, feeling wired but tired, or noticing that constant “on” feeling in your body -  you don't need more pressure. We've been using a 15-minute cortisol reset guide that's a really good place to start.Get it here:👉 GUIDE🤍 Join the ConversationThis one felt personal for us… and we have a feeling it might for you too.Have you noticed these shifts in your own body?Do you find it hard to slow down, even when you know you need to?We’d really love to hear your experience.Send us a DM or email us at [email protected] if this episode resonated, share it with someone who might need to hear it.BetterHelp Paid Partnership - Get 10% off your first monthIf you’re struggling, consider therapy with our paid partner BetterHelp. Visit https://betterhelp.com/youkeepmesane for a 10% discount on your first month of therapy.BetterHelp makes it easy to find a therapist who suits your needs. Their online platform connects you with credentialed therapists, and if your first match isn’t the right fit, you can switch.Links:Download Enough - Our Self Worth Reset.Follow YKMS Podcast on IG @youkeepmesane.pod  Follow YKMS on FB https://www.facebook.com/YouKeepMeSanePodEmail us at  [email protected] to our Newsletter: https://www.youkeepmesane.com/subscribe/Hosts: Aileen Harvey & Julie FahySee https://www.buzzsprout.com/privacy for privacy informationDisclaimer: Remember, we’re two friends sharing our personal experiences and discussing everyday challenges. We’re not qualified coaches or therapists, and our content is for general information and supportive conversation only. If you need professional help, please seek advice from a licensed therapist.

Episode OverviewThis week, we explore the need to be chosen — at work, in friendships, in love, and in family roles. For years, being picked can feel like proof of worth… and not being picked can quietly unravel us. We unpack how midlife starts to loosen that wiring, and how the shift from “please choose me” to “I choose me” changes everything.Key Discussion PointsAileen notices she no longer needs praise or an invitation to feel valuableJulie reflects on how fear of rejection shaped her choices for yearsHow “shape-shifting” shows up in friendships, family roles and people-pleasingThe romantic reframe: not “Do they want me?” but “Do I choose them?”How to spot when you’re still living in “please choose me” modeListener TakeawaysBeing chosen isn’t proof of worth - and not being chosen isn’t proof you’re lackingFear of judgement can be just as exhausting as chasing validationMidlife often brings clarity: you stop auditioning and start choosingYou can care deeply without over-explaining, over-giving, or over-performingSelf-worth grows when you trust your own choice, not someone else’s approvalBetterHelp Paid Partnership - Get 10% off your first monthIf you’re struggling, consider therapy with our paid partner BetterHelp. Visit https://betterhelp.com/youkeepmesane for a 10% discount on your first month of therapy.BetterHelp makes it easy to find a therapist who suits your needs. Their online platform connects you with credentialed therapists, and if your first match isn’t the right fit, you can switch.Links:Download Enough - Our Self Worth Reset.Follow YKMS Podcast on IG @youkeepmesane.pod  Follow YKMS on FB https://www.facebook.com/YouKeepMeSanePodEmail us at  [email protected] to our Newsletter: https://www.youkeepmesane.com/subscribe/Hosts: Aileen Harvey & Julie FahySee https://www.buzzsprout.com/privacy for privacy informationDisclaimer: Remember, we’re two friends sharing our personal experiences and discussing everyday challenges. We’re not qualified coaches or therapists, and our content is for general information and supportive conversation only. If you need professional help, please seek advice from a licensed therapist.

Episode OverviewThis week, we explore a quiet but powerful shift happening in midlife: the move from chasing traditional success to craving something far less flashy - peace.For years, achievement meant striving. Building. Proving. Being impressive. We grew up in a culture that celebrated ambition, hustle and visible markers of success. And in many ways, we embodied that - high achievers, big thinkers, always “on.”But midlife changes the lens.With shifting hormones, teenage children, ageing parents, business pressures and the constant hum of modern life, the nervous system starts to demand honesty. What once felt energising now feels depleting. What once looked impressive now looks exhausting.In this conversation, we unpack what happens when the real wealth we crave is calm. A regulated nervous system. Honest relationships. A home that feels steady. A life that feels sustainable.Because maybe the bravest thing we can do in midlife isn’t scale up - it’s refine.Key Discussion PointsSwapping coffee for cacao - and the unexpected lesson about cortisol, stimulation and going to extremes.Why midlife women report some of the highest global stress levels - and what that says about modern success.The shift from chasing “impressive” to choosing “peaceful.”The guilt women feel when pulling back - and why peace is actually responsible, not selfish.What “quiet wealth” looks like in real life: subtraction, depth, calm mornings and fewer but deeper relationships.Insights from the long-running Harvard University adult development study, showing that close relationships - not fame or fortune - predict long-term happiness and health.Listener TakeawaysNotice where you’re still chasing impressive instead of peaceful.Ask yourself what your current version of “success” is costing your nervous system.Consider subtracting one commitment this month.Reduce exposure to comparison triggers — both online and in conversation.Invest more deeply in one relationship that feels regulating rather than draining.Define success privately, not publicly.Quiet wealth doesn’t shout.It doesn’t need applause.But it feels rich.If this season of your life is asking for less noise and more depth, you’re not behind. You’re not unambitious.You might just be redefining what wealth truly means.BetterHelp Paid Partnership - Get 10% off your first monthIf you’re struggling, consider therapy with our paid partner BetterHelp. Visit https://betterhelp.com/youkeepmesane for a 10% discount on your first month of therapy.BetterHelp makes it easy to find a therapist who suits your needs. Their online platform connects you with credentialed therapists, and if your first match isn’t the right fit, you can switch.Links:Download Enough - Our Self Worth Reset.Follow YKMS Podcast on IG @youkeepmesane.pod  Follow YKMS on FB https://www.facebook.com/YouKeepMeSanePodEmail us at  [email protected] to our Newsletter: https://www.youkeepmesane.com/subscribe/Hosts: Aileen Harvey & Julie FahySee https://www.buzzsprout.com/privacy for privacy informationDisclaimer: Remember, we’re two friends sharing our personal experiences and discussing everyday challenges. We’re not qualified coaches or therapists, and our content is for general information and supportive conversation only. If you need professional help, please seek advice from a licensed therapist.