S2 E30. Using Shame as a Guidepost for Healing

This episode wraps up season 2 of the Unfolding podcast! What a beautiful ride it’s been. This episode also includes an invitation to check internally on your own changing seasons and to ask what needs to be let go of. What is no longer serving you? What has been taking more energy than it gives back for so long, you’ve forgotten what balance feels like. Where is it time to create space so new things can grow?  

It’s important to accept what is, in relationships. What you have control over is you, and how you show up, not how others show up or how others change. Not everyone has the same capacity, that’s not better or worse, but it’s important information for what is possible. What is an energetic match and what is not. If you continue to show up for people who refuse to show up for themselves - don’t be surprised when you’re doing all the heavy lifting. If you continue to pour yourself out to people who don’t have the capacity to hold space for you, don’t be surprised when you end up in puddles on the floor. Treat your energy with care, and honor what you have capacity for and what others have capacity for. 

You can’t self-care yourself out of a fundamentally misaligned part of your life. Self-care in other areas could create the space and habit to see what needs to be changed in the misaligned area, but it will not in itself fix the misaligned part. Better sleep won’t make your toxic relationship better. Meditation won’t suddenly make your boss appreciate you. Becoming a workaholic might distract with professional accolades, but it won’t fill that personal connection hole in your chest. 

Here I’ll share a practice that I use for checking in on what’s an aligned YES or me, and what’s an aligned NO. The more I do this, the more attuned I get to myself, and the faster I understand what is aligned for me and what is not. This practice also uncovers areas I have misalignment, and offers a doorway into where I can spend time healing. 

Procrastination can take many forms. It tends to be around pushing off something hard, or uncomfortable. Procrastination is an action of pushing off that’s driven by emotion. And emotion is a messenger. It’s important to ask why it’s there and what it’s trying to tell you. Procrastination is usually defined by pushing off “doing”, but I’ve recently discovered ways that I’ve procrastinated by pushing off “being” as well. Let me share what that looks like. 

We all have boundary areas that can feel a little like quicksand, or walking into a foggy field. They’re a blind spot to us. This can often be because we were taught at an early age that we didn’t get to have boundaries in that area, so we developed a strong habit of shoving internal discomfort aside, as soon as it arises, when we walk into that foggy field. In this episode, I share an example of my ill-defined boundry area, and how I’m starting to create definition within it, one delayed experience at a time. 

Often resentment indicates an unmet wanting. An unmet wanting of friendship, love, acceptance, inclusion, approval, desire, fairness, or something else. When you have resentment toward someone that isn’t moving through you, allow this to be an invitation for reflection. Let yourself go back into that relationship, that encounter, and replay it. Ask yourself if there are any places you can take accountability for communicating to the other person that they could treat you in a way that isn’t reciprocal, that isn’t balanced, that isn’t actually in alignment with how you want to be treated? I find resentment can often be the feeling left over when we forfeit our power to another person. When we wait for them to approve of us, we stop seeing our own worth and standing up for it. This visualization, of going back to take radical accountability of how you might have permitted an imbalance to happen in the relationship can shift everything. This reflection can shift the power back to you and finally let you move through this feeling and fully let go of the resentment.

If you let it, shame will be a neon pointing you to where you have more healing to do. Shame shows us parts of ourself that we haven’t accepted. Parts that we have withheld compassion, understanding, and love from. Parts that do not feel safe with the current you. In this episode I’ll share a memory of a past action I buried in shame, and how it transformed when I gave it space.

Listening to music the other night, I’m taken back to my 16-year-old self. She wants to how everything turned out, and if I’m ok. She wants to know who she becomes.

A friend asked me yesterday what I love about coaching. I’d actually never been asked that before. What I love, is helping others tap into their inner wisdom. Helping them uncover the knowing that has been there all along. I love the laugh of delight that happens when a clear channel to knowing opens. I love the privilege of being a mirror that helps another person see deeper into themselves. If you find yourself at a crossroads right now, and you’re not sure where to go, listen to this episode for some advice on how to tune into your inner wisdom.