246: How to Change the Thoughts That Hurt Your Relationship

One of the hardest parts of being a parent is dealing with a child’s challenging emotions. Many of the same skills that help in your relationship with your child can also help in managing your own feelings. In this episode Joel and I explore how to diffuse difficult emotions rather than adding fuel to the fire, integrating firmness and warmth, and investing in a long-term relationship with yourself. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

Your mental habits have a powerful effect on the health of your relationship. In this episode Joel and I explore some of the common cognitive distortions that can drive a wedge between partners, such as mind reading, personalizing, shoulding, and the blame bias. Discover how to recognize and see through these distortions. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

What is emotional intelligence (EI)? Where does it comes from? And what are its benefits? Joel and I also discuss what you can do to increase your ability to recognize and work with emotions, whether your own or others'. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

Stress management includes more than just trying to calm down when you’re overwhelmed. Joel and I explore a 360-degree approach to managing stress, from what you eat and how you spend your time to doing breathwork and setting boundaries in relationships, and more. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

Joel and I explore what intrusive thoughts are, what causes them, what makes them worse, and how to deal with them more effectively. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

There is an ongoing debate about what makes therapy effective. Is it aspects of the therapist? What the patient brings to treatment? Common factors that cut across all psychotherapy, or specific elements of certain treatment programs? Joel and I explore these questions and discuss our own views on why therapy works. Here is a link to the classic review that Joel mentioned about psychotherapy clinical outcome studies: Meta-analysis of Psychotherapy Outcome Studies. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

Fellow psychologist Joel Minden and I talk about behavioral activation, one of the most effective treatments for depression. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

In this episode I discuss some ongoing health challenges I’ve had, why I decided to pause the podcast for the time being, and why you don’t have to take your struggles so personally. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

My guest this week is holistic executive coach Doug Holt. It was Doug’s second time on the podcast (the previous episode is here) and another great discussion. This time we focused on the marriage relationship—especially when you fear that you married the wrong person. Our discussion focused mostly on male-female couples, but many of the things we talked about are relevant for all committed partnerships. Topics we discussed included: What leads people to think they married the wrong person Feeling like one is married to a “roommate with a ring” Blaming one’s partner for marital disconnect Focusing on the person you can control, vs. the other person The disconnect between one’s reception in the wider world and at home The common isolation from a brotherhood that many men experience Looking to one’s partner to fulfill all of one’s needs The book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover Putting our validation for our self-worth on our partner Doubling down on relationship behaviors that aren’t working The turn-off of needy energy The downsides of interacting in a transactional way with one’s partner Asking one’s partner about how much their relationship needs are being met Choosing a spouse that is perfectly positioned to challenge us and push our buttons Taking marital challenges as feedback and opportunities for growth Self-betterment as a no-lose option Time and money as indicators of one’s values The very rough patch that Doug went through in his marriage Working with parents to improve kids’ lives What it means to be a “powerful man” Doug Holt has been changing lives through his coaching for nearly 30 years. He owns several successful companies and specializes in helping men (especially business owners) to grow their businesses, strengthen their relationships, and design the life they want to live. Doug lives with his wife and two kids in Oregon. Learn more about Doug and his work at his website.  Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

My guest this week is Dr. Paul Kesselman, a clinical psychologist and close friend of mine. It was Paul’s second time on the podcast (the previous episode is here) and another great discussion. This time we focused on how to keep open lines of communication with our kids. Topics we discussed included: The advantages of keeping open dialogue with our kids Creating a safe environment for our kids to talk with us The downside of coming to our kids with an agenda Talking at, to, or with kids Making sure children are engaged when we’re speaking with them Capitalizing on moments when our kids are available to talk with us How early to start thinking about open dialogue with children Many children’s preference to go to Mom to talk rather than Dad How to deal respond when our kids do something wrong Shifting from content to process with our kids Remembering our goals in our interactions with our children Our expectations for how children “should” respond to our critiques and corrections Letting kids know we’re there while also respecting their privacy and space The downsides of jumping in to fix or resolve things for our kids The book Paul referenced, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee (affiliate link) Paul Kesselman, PsyD, completed his doctoral degree in psychology at Yeshiva University. He has taught college level courses in child psychology. He has been working in private practice seeing individuals, families, and running groups since 2003. Paul works with children as young as four years of age and sees children, pre- teens, adolescents, families, young adults, and adults. He has also conducted research studies on social anxiety at New York State Psychiatric Institute. Paul grew up in the suburbs of Philadelphia. He and his wife have five children; he enjoys spending time with his family, listening to music, and playing baseball when he is not helping patients and families. He has a passion for his work and enjoys the opportunity to work with issues such as anxiety, depression, ADHD, autism spectrum disorders, learning issues, OCD, anger issues, impulse control disorders, school avoidance and refusal, and adjustments issues. Paul has spoken at both public and private area schools on a variety of topics including ADHD, anxiety, special needs children, and school anxiety. Learn more about Paul and his therapy practice at his website. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe