Do You Choose… or React??

Have you ever been sucked into a situation or argument, then realized your actions were not what you wanted? There is that split second, that pause, where you get to choose your response. Many people miss that split second, telling themselves, "I had no choice.  I was just reacting." But deep down, we know that is not the case.  We have a choice on how to respond.  Miss that choice and regret the reaction. How do you choose? Let's talk about that in this week's podcast.  Listen below. RESOURCE: Save The Marriage System HERE

My car is in for service. It’s just regular maintenance today (fingers crossed).  But there were other cars there for repairs. Which had me thinking…. What does service mean for a relationship?  How about repair for a marriage? The more I thought about it, the more the metaphor fit.  If I do regular maintenance on my car, it by no means guarantees that it won’t break down.  But it does increase the chances of avoiding a roadside breakdown. Let’s be fair:  even the best-maintained vehicles can still break down, still need a repair.  But let’s also be clear that if you have maintained your relationship, it is far less likely to need a repair, and far less likely that it will be costly (I can attest to this after the demise of my first car). Well-maintained marriages are far less likely to hit a crisis — a breakdown.  And if they do hit a crisis, they are better equipped to deal with the crisis and the outcome. In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover the process of marriage maintenance (5 steps) and what to do when it is repair time.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Importance of Connection 3 Steps to Saving Your Marriage Dangers of Therapy Grab the Save The Marriage System

Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?"  Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?"  Are emotions lost and connections missing?  Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?" The infection can be stopped.  You can fight the infection and heal the relationship. Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship's immune system.  Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy. Okay, to be fair, this is a “tip o’ the hat” to Halloween… but still an important subject! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Pause Button Marriages Dangers of Disconnection "Can This Marriage Be Saved?” The Save The Marriage System

There are some questions that can help a marriage.  There are many thoughts that can improve your relationship. But there is one question that will suck the life right out of a marriage.  And it is a question you don't even need to ask another person, in order to do the damage. In fact, another person won't make a difference for this question.  It is a question lurking within you. Oh, and did I mention that another question, similar to this question -- but very different in direction -- can help restore a relationship? Change the question, change the frame.  Get stuck on the question, get stuck in a downward spiral.  It's up to you. . . once you know the question. Which one are you asking? (Need some help with your marriage?  Grab my Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE.)

Do you find yourself and/or your spouse anchored to a problem by anxiety or anger?  Guess what? Anger and Anxiety -- they come from the same space!  One is the inner, the other is the outer expression of fear/hurt/threat. And wow, can it ever anchor both of you to the problems -- keeping you from moving to solution. Why does the Anxiety-Anger become an anchor? How do you cut the line and get back on-track to healing your marriage? Listen to today's podcast to learn more on releasing the Anxiety-Anger Anchor. RELATED RESOURCE: Anger and Resentment Why You Need A Plan The Save The Marriage System

Since my book, Thrive Principles, came out, people have asked me why I shifted my focus from saving marriages to thriving.  In reality, there is no shift. My System on saving a marriage is the same path to having a thriving marriage. In fact, my focus from the beginning was on how to have a thriving life in all areas of living -- including in marriage. Which means that there are many cross-over points between how we thrive and how we save a marriage. In this week's Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss three anchors of Thrive Principles that can help you address the issues in your marriage. These three principles can help you save your marriage. Just remember the acronym, ARC. Acceptance Responsibility Control Use these three principles as you work to save your marriage. RELATED RESOURCE: Control Responsibility Thrive Principles Save The Marriage System

Sometimes, people tell me that as they are trying to save their marriage, they actually feel like they are trying to earn back the love of a spouse.  They want to know if that is what it really is -- earning back the love (and even trust). The short answer is NO, that is not the goal. A slightly longer answer is that if you are working to earn back love, you are also working on building a unsustainable and not-very-healthy relationship. That is my topic for this week's Save The Marriage Podcast:  why you are NOT trying to earn back your spouse's love, why that approach is problematic, AND what to do instead. Your marriage can be saved.  But not by trying to earn back your spouse's love. Can the love return to your marriage?  Absolutely. But that doesn't mean it is the goal of the process. (Love isn't earned.  It is given.) RESOURCES Connection and Marriage Building A WE Forgiveness and Marriage Save The Marriage System

It may be an odd preoccupation, but I pour over the scuba accident reports.  I like to see how the accidents happened, what led to the accident, and how it might have been prevented. The same approach is taken to studying scuba accidents as is applied to airline accident and medical accidents.  And it should be applied to marriage crises. There's a theory of accidents in systems that is called the "Swiss Cheese Theory of Accidents."  Another description would be "multiple causations in spite of prevention systems."  Imagine a bunch of slices of swiss cheese.  Usually, a slice with holes in it won't line the holes up with another slice.  If you stack them together, there are no holes all the way through the stack. But if the holes line up, something could pass right through.  Something like an accident. In scuba, aviation, medical, and industrial fields, there are multiple checks and balances in place (slices of cheese) to keep an accident from happening. Marriages also have these safety zones:  love, priorities, attention, affection, boundaries, communication, etc.  The bigger the hole in each system, the bigger the chance that the holes match up.  And the bigger the chance of a marriage crisis. To put it simply, there are multiple causations that go into a marriage crisis.  To go a bit deeper, listen to my podcast below. RELATED RESOURCES Another Podcast On This Theory Importance of Connection Importance of Boundaries System To Save Your Marriage

It happens.  In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity.  A spouse negative about the marriage.  Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage.  You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt). Negativity comes from several sources:  fear, protectiveness, anger, resentment, lack of understanding, and lack of clarity. Regardless of the source, you may find yourself reacting poorly -- negatively impacting your capacity to save and improve your marriage. Is there another alternative? You bet there is! I would suggest four ways to respond that can change the outcome.  Listen to the podcast for the four ways you can respond differently to the negativity, making sure that you don't catch it yourself.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: You Need A Plan Dealing With Your Resentment Dealing With Your Spouse's Resentment Grab The Save The Marriage System

I get asked this on a regular basis, both from people who are in the middle of wanting to save their marriage, and those who are wanting to leave.  This is what I get asked:  "What does it matter if we save it or not?" In this episode, I cover some of the negative impacts that come with ending a marriage. Not to scare, but to clarify. Why clarify? Because when we are in pain, we tend to look for a way away from the pain. We tend to not think about those longer term effects. And then, we find ourselves in unexpected problems. In a future episode, I'll cover what saving a marriage could be, and why that is important. RELATED RESOURCE: The Save The Marriage System