The Relaxed Male podcast

Talking Relationships with Lindsey Marie

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This week we have fellow coach Lindsay Marie Barber on the show. Lindsey is an expert on relationships and helps men to foster better relationships with those of the fairer sex.

What is the biggest problem you see with men and their ability to effectively communicate?



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    Timothy Dexter and The Laws of Attraction


    You have heard of the Laws of attraction right? Some folks don't buy the whole laws of attraction they say it is only skill and discipline. These are the people who also believe that there are times that a person can get lucky. Well, I came across a guy in history who without realizing it applied the laws of attraction and achieved his wants and desires. This guy's name is Timothy Dexter. What is the laws of attraction The Laws of attraction has been around for a long time, but it first came to prominence thanks to Abraham Hicks. Which their whole story is a bit on the woo-woo side and a bit hard to swallow. Yet if you can get past the fake-sounding Romany accent on the tapes the information is pretty good. The Laws are the belief that the universe or God provides you what you truly want. It is all based on your thoughts. If you have a big sales meeting that you are cant be late to. Yet, your belief that something is going to happen so that you are late, Then you will wake up with a flat and your battery is dead. There will be a huge wreck on the way to the meeting. It will seem as if the universe is trying to make you late. If you think and believe that you are going to score that big account you are going to. The Laws of Attraction deal with a lot of visualizations and affirmations. Then add on your belief that you will either succeed or not succeed and the universe will manifest the results you most want to have. So how does Timothy Dexter fit into this? Timothy Dexter was a man who was born in 1747 to a poor farming family, He dropped out of school in the second grade, and at the age of 16 he decided he wanted to become rich. So he left the farming life to become a tanner apprentice. Realizing that he couldn't get rich being a tanner he left the business and married a wealthy widow, Elizabeth Frothingham. With his newfound wealth, he bought a mansion in Newburyport, Ma. Yet he annoyed the others who were of old money because they realized he was weird and very simple in his form of thinking. Yet he still wanted to be richer still. So the Continental Congress, to fund the revolutionary war, had started printing its own money so that they could pay their troops. The problem is that the money wasn't with anything. So the rich society folks of Newburyporttrying to ruin him told him he should go and buy up all the continental dollars because if the US wins their freedom then they will pay back 1% of the value of those dollars. That is precisely what Timothy did. Now many people really didn't believe that the new country had a chance of defeating the most powerful army in the world. When the US lost, all that money Timothy bought would be worthless. Well if you are paying attention to history you know that the US didn't lose and Timothy became even richer. Now what he did with all that extra loot? He builds the most ostentatious mansion in the middle of the rich district of Newburyport. He surrounded it with 40 large wooden statues of who he thought was important men, this included himself. Timothy also bought two ships for his shipping endeavors. Because his "friends" in society were a bit miffed that his bad advice had netted him some large gains. So his business friends suggested that he ship bed warmers to the Caribbean. Thinking that they will not have a use for bed warmers. Except they turned out to be excellent molasses ladles. They also suggested that he send woolen mittens to the same place. Yet They found some Asian traders who bought them all up so they could send them to Siberia. So his ships kept coming back making him richer and his friends even more befuddled and angry. Timothy then gathered up all the stray cats in Newburyport and sent them to the Caribbean only to again succeed because they were in the middle of a rat infestation. He sent bibles to the east indies and made a profit because there were missionaries that needed them. He was also convinced that he needed to buy up all the whalebone. At the time whalebone was losing value fast. YEt when he had a basement packed full of these bones suddenly it became popular for men to wear corsets and they needed all the whalebone they could manage. So again his friends had inadvertently given him an opportunity to make even more money. Now he was quirky and illiterate. Even so, he wrote two books. The first on A Pickle for the Knowing Ones was a 25-page essay with no punctuations. People couldn't understand what he had written because he wrote sort of phonetically. IME the first Lord in the younited States of A mericary Now of Newburyport it is the voise of the peopel and I cant Help it and so Let it goue Now as I must be Lord there will foller many more Lords pretty soune for it dont hurt A Cat Nor the mouse Nor the son Nor the water Nor the Eare then goue on all is Easey Now bons broaken all is well all in Love Now I be gin to Lay the corner ston and the kee ston with grat Remembrence of my father Jorge Washington the grate herow 17 sentreys past before we found so good a father to his shildren and Now gone to Rest Timothy Dexter - A Pickle for the Knowing Ones Yet they bought the book because they thought it was a joke. His second edition of the book had punctuation. They were all on the last page with instructions to pepper and salt these as you please. So was he a master genius? No, but I do see the laws of attraction in effect. I see his belief that he could make himself a success and the universe or God took his desires and made them real. Notes on Timothy Dexter Today I found out Wikipedia Looking to take control of your life? Brotherhood of Men
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    Women Detest Nice Guys


    There is one thing women absolutely hate and that is the one thing society has pushed on men. The Nice Guy. Ever since the industrial revolution men have been raised by their mothers. Dads leave to go to the factory and come home at the end of the day. They may get weekends with them but that's not a guarantee. Now because of this, we have been getting more and more nice guys showing up in the world. Nice guys are not nice. Nice Guys and People pleasers are liars and manipulators. Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously calculated to gain someone’s approval or to avoid disapproval. Robert Glover "No More Mr. Niceguy" There are several tactics nice guys use to manipulate those around them. Covert Contracts They lie to others and themselves Not share ideas Try to control all aspects of the situation Cant handle emotions Emotions to a nice guy are anxiety-ridden messes. They cant have extreme emotions of any angle because Women have to be the leaders Because nice guys don’t want to be seen as being bossy they will not take the lead in anything. So to fill the void of leadership the woman has to take the reins and that isn't what they signed up for. Ask their wives for decisions. Instead of stating their intentions, they beg their wife and girlfriend if they can go out and play golf or ride a bike. The woman of the house has to become momma to this grown man. Nice guys are liars to make sure they are liked by as many people as possible they will change their story as to fit those around them. They will not even see that they are telling any lies because many nice guys pride themselves on being honest. They will boost to those who will hear that they are as honest as the day is long. Yet then over-promise and then make as many excuses as they can to cover when they are not able to deliver. They don’t have their own thoughts. Nice guys will go with the flow. They would be the greatest debaters they can be because they pick up everybody else's thoughts and make them their own. They will not have a thought that is outside of the norm because they don't want people to be upset. Seek the approval of women over men This often comes from their upbringing. Many times boys who are raised by women, only know how to relate to women Nice Guys don't have the skills to handle the interactions of men. So they hang around women more and have very few guy friends. Often they are also seen as a Momma's boy, because they are so loyal to the approval of their mom. Give up their balls Because they don't make the decisions and they give up their leadership they basically give up their man card in hopes of being able to sleep with their wife or girlfriend. Because nice guys won't commit to one thought they are soft and women hate men who are not able to take charge. Women love a guy who says they are going here or doing this. They want a guy who can lead. So they turn to the jerk because that is the closest semblance of masculinity they see. Avoid masculinity Men are loud, rambunctious, they are not always gentle with their words. Men will call it as they see it. This is scary to a nice guy. The actions and words used are intimidating to a nice guy so they avoid men. Which is to their detriment. This is because hanging out with good noble men is the best way to drive the nice guy out of a grown boy. When you hang out with real men you see how they act and you start to talk like they do. You talk in an assertive manner and you start to get noticed, which is also scary for Nice Guys Lack of meaningful relationships with men Because they don't hang out with men and do hang out with women more they don't have the needed masculine friends in their life that they actually need. Sacrifice for the approval of others. Nice guys will give up their integrity for the approval of others. Internally blame others When they don't get their way they blame everybody else. Resentful of the women they want sex from The nice guy will often perform different actions for the woman in their life with the covert contract in place. then when the woman doesn't follow that contract then he gets resentful. He will sabotage romantic endeavors so to prove his point. Yet he will not blame himself for the problem, it is her fault. Why doesn't she like sex She is just a bitch I try to help around the house and all she does is gripe about my work. I bought her a new ring so I deserve a roll in the hay. etc Is always playing the victim Since they are not able to take command of their own action and won't stand for anything, nice guys tend to be the victims. they blame everybody but themselves. People who cant take responsibility for their actions do not get respect and without respect, they don't get the attention they want. Now you see why the nice guy doesn’t have sex that they wish for. and women grow tired of having weak and pitiful men taking the place of a strong commanding man.
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    You Are Not Broken


    What does it mean when you are broken. Feeling a sense of no hope Beaten Whooped upon Feel like you need to just give up. Feel that you can't give any more Feel lost. How do you get back up? Understand what you are actually feeling. This is when you need that little extra push to get yourself past that sensation. That feeling of being broken often means that you are right at the cusp of a huge breakthrough. Feeling broken also can be helped by talking to a therapist. There is a whole group dedicated to ensuring that you power through this feeling of loss and you stay with us without checking out. How do you heal? Grant yourself some grace Get help from your Band of Brothers These men are able to help you but they can only help you if you tell them what the problem is. examine the feelings you are experiencing Use your purpose and your hobbies. Find the things that you can find joy in. Stick with the gratitude journal Understand that life is 50% pain and 50% Pleasure so yeah you are going to feel the unwanted negative, but you are also going to have joy and happiness and purpose and all the other positive emotions in your life.
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    Are You Wetting the Leather?


    When it comes to events in your life we have to take into consideration what you are starting with. Many times as men get frustrated with the lack of results that we get when we try something. The problem is what are you starting with? The meaning is this, guys, we want instant results. Many people grow frustrated with our jobs when we just started, we wonder why we are not higher up in the echelon of our jobs. We wonder why we have no credibility when we just start something. These are problems of us not wedding the leather before we start the pump. What are you talking about? What I'm actually referring to are the old-style hand pumps that used to be how people took water out of the ground. You have a well whole older well you dropped a bucket down the well. But later on, you would actually have a hand pump. This hand pump was just as it sounds you actually had to take a handle and move it up-and-down up-and-down until you got water to come out There were times that you would actually find these hand wells dotted around the countryside. Some were used a lot while others we rarely used. These later ones are what I want to focus on. Many times if you came across one of these wells there would be a bottle of water lying next to the well. Why was this bottle here? Because you have a choice. You can either drink the hot stale water that was in the bottle, or you could pour that water down the well. Now depending on the level of thirst you had, you may be tempted to drink that bottle of nasty water in the bottle. That would be something a person with a scarcity mindset would do. Yet if you have an abundant mindset you can pout that water down the well. Yeah, this may seem like a waste. You are thirsty NOW! Yet if you know how these old wells work you know that there are leather baffles in the well. IF this well isn't used much those valves dry out and they shrink. So you don't get the lift and suction you want from this hand well. You can pump and pump and pump and no water would ever rise. Yet if you pour that water down the well you wet the leather valves and they expand and start working as they are intended. Once the valves are wet they start drawing up the water and soon you will have all the water you could ever possibly drink. Now, this isn't the only problem. You also have the problem of how deep the well is. Sometimes you have to pump for 10 minutes or even more before the water comes rushing out. There is a saying in the south the deeper the well the sweeter and colder the water is. You have to put stuff in before you get stuff out. Zig Ziglar This also goes for work. When you first start on a job you have to provide value for your pay. The employer is actually taking a chance on you and your sales pitch. So how do you rise in the ranks of your work? How do you build the needed trust in your boss so that he knows you are up for the task with each promotion? You have to take initiative. You have to prime the pump of success. That means you have to do some menial tasks and work on them as if the whole company depends on your work. This also goes with customers you may be trying to get to sign on with your own business. They don't trust you at first. They see you as just another person selling to them. To wet the leather of that pump you have to take your time and fully understand what it is that they need before you offer them a solution. That may mean talking with them several times for the next few weeks. You have to listen and fully understand the problem before you do the ask. Goes for marriages You have to put into your marriage, emotional security. You can't just take and take, or you will wind up with an emotionally exhausted spouse who will one day decide that she is done and leaves. This is where the nice guys always fail. He is taking emotionally by requiring emotions from his spouse or girlfriend and he never repays the emotional debt he has created.
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    How Men Talk To Each Other


    Men talk to each other in a way that women and some modern males don’t understand. You hear talk of how toxic masculinity is the problem with society and part of that toxic masculinity is how men talk to each other. They mention how we tease young men as they start to develop facial hair and we suggest putting some milk on that peach fuzz and letting the cat lick it off. Some folks believe that is mean and hurtful. When in reality not exposing your son to those innocent taunts is setting him up for failure We enjoy trash talk Men like to talk trash. It is a means to build bonds and to test each other’s wit and how fast we can think on our feet. It is a fun and challenging skill to have. To be able to talk trash and then back it up, cause if you fail at walking the walk you will get piled on even worse. This way it teaches a man how, to be honest, and to not be boastful. The ribbings are good for us They show the rest of the group that the new guy can take it. It is a means of understanding new guy It builds bonds Men talk directly Proper communication is direct. To hem and haw around the topic doesn’t serve anybody. Because what is implied by one man is easily misinterpreted by another guy. This is a skill nice guys have to fight off for the rest of their lives. it is so easy to fall back into the habit of beating around the bush that we lose the effectiveness of a good direct line of communication. Men talk assertively Nice guys don’t like to talk assertively Grown boys communicate in three infective ways Passive Aggressive Passive-aggressive We teach our boys how to handle their emotions by ribbing them. This helps boys grow thicker skin and not be overly sensitive. We do a huge disservice to our boys by coddling them. Yes that is what moms are suppose to do while men are there to help them understand how to use their emotions effectively. Many people don’t like this kind of talk because of the following reasons. they find it intimidating they find assertive communication to be mean. 
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    Aim For Awesome


    What holds you back from taking the steps you are wanting to take? Now, these reasons can be many, but one of the biggest reasons is fear. We are afraid that we will change. We fear that our friends won’t like us. We are afraid of what happens if you succeed.  We also fear what people will think if we fail. What happens if we screw something up? What if we are seen as a fraud. Do we really deserve this success if our idea takes off?  According to Tripp Lanier, We want 4 things out of life. Freedom Love To feel Alive Peace. How do you achieve these 4 things? I let you in a little secret you have to play large. Many of us want to play life small and then wonder why we don’t achieve any of these life’s desires. This is because we don’t even give ourselves the ability to try for that awesome life. We aim for the easier that will do. Sometimes by sheer luck we get the awesome spot but that is so much rarer in this case than if we were to aim for awesome. Yet most of the time we are holding ourselves back. Why Aim for awesome? Because you will hit it more times than if you aren’t aiming for it. You may have to give up on the easy steps. You will also miss the crappy events a lot more. You will often land in the average zone, but your chances of being awesome are so much better when you are actually aiming for awesome. Why the Awesome life? Sit back and let your mind wander. You can even do this in the car. Ask yourself what would life be like if your dreams come true? How awesome and fulfilled would you be? What would you do? Now many guys would say they would take it easy, and that would be the wrong answer and that is why you have to keep working. The moment you start coasting is the moment you start slowing down.  Now does this mean you don’t get to rest? No, actually you get more chances to rest and enjoy life’s sweeter moments but if you think you can just sit back on your laurels then you will find yourself back where you started. The awesome life isn’t an easy life. You have to find out what fulfills you. That is where you find your happiness and fulfillment. Many guys see that life isn’t an easy street when they reach a certain point. That is often because they failed to realize that they are not achieving that peace, aliveness, Love, or Freedom they thought they would have. Instead, they are wrapped up in the fear of what happens next. So they start to play small and with that small action, they let go of what they are really striving for.
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    A Pair Of Jeep Panties


    There are times that life will throw you curveballs. You may have a boss that is just busting your hump and other days you may just drive up behind a jeep with a huge pair of panties on. What do you do? This is a choice you have to make. This was evident with a pair of Jeep panties I saw while over at the Byrd's Adventure Center. While I was at the Operation Tears of the 22: Off The Hardball event, the owner of the Jeep "Severance Package" talked often about how there are those who love the quirky undergarments while others come out offended. What is it about those Panties? This got me thinking about what does this means? I see that society is complex and there are those who laugh at the absurdity of a jeep having on women's underwear. To me that is good. The sudden shock of Oh my god there is underwear on that Jeeps tire. They might see it as the joke it is and laughs. As the owner of the jeep said If it brightens one person who is having a rough day good! They have done their job. Then there are those who don't like them. I see these people having a few thoughts that ignite their anger and outrage. Either they wish they could be as brazen as the owner is, or the image brings up other thoughts of how dare the owner shows such disrespect to them. Underwear is meant to be hidden and these are just hanging out for everyone to see. Either way, these people feel slighted for having something that might be construed as sexual in their face, and as I stated before the joke is lost to them. My point to all of this and what I wanted to point out here is that Life is too short to be taken seriously. We can lighten up and laugh at something as goofy as a very large thong being put on the spare tire of an offroad vehicle. Laugh at all that you can. You can even give yourself permission to let out a huge belly laugh. Laugh at all the odd things you see. Laugh at the delight that life brings. Do something odd that you think might bring a chuckle to somebody. You never know you might just touch the heart of someone who is in a very dark place at that moment and you have then shown them a gleam of light. It might open up the door for someone to make a connection. I am always making fun of myself. Heck, I had my first speaking engagement at Byrds Adventure Center. I could say it was an abject disaster because the words I chose distracted the audience from the point of my talk. I could say it was a serious discussion about how men can take control of their own lives. OR I could point out that I forgot I was talking to a bunch of ex-military and that they all have the minds of 13-year-old boys and that my choice of talking about a man's stick and handling a man's wood created a point of hilarity that was an awesome learning experience for me and the guys heard a memorable speech. For Help on living life on your terms The Brotherhood of Men
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    The Difference Between a Therapist and a Coach


    Main Topic Is coaching like therapy? The full answer is no they are not the same thing. What is therapy Therapy is used for finding and diagnosing mental illnesses. They help you find new and better coping mechanisms for past life events. Therapy is essentially for the past What is Coaching? It is the finding and helping with mindset problems. Coaches help people to reach their goals and climb to lofty heights that they are actually capable of. Coaches see flaws in thought because of faulty logging and help people to change how they see the world. Coaches Boiling it down Therapists help people with their past while coaches help people with their future. Both are needed for people to find the success that they want. If you combine the two and you find a therapist who is willing to work with a coach you can have the ultimate power of working on both your past and future. You are able to tackle your past problems while also building up the needed mindsets so you are able to springboard into the success you want. What a coach won’t / can’t do Coaches don’t do therapy while there are therapists who can coach. Yet when it comes to looking at possible mental illnesses or past experiences that could be the root of the problem you are facing Sadly many therapists like to try to point out that coaching isn’t regulated as if that is a bad thing. There is no licensing boards or governing body over who can coach in what. That is a good thing. You are the judge. If a coach doesn’t perform up to your standards then you can leave. Just as there is more than one way to skin a cat. There is more than one way for people to achieve their greatness. Sadly it does seem that therapists and some coaches have a scarcity mindset. There are therapists who see coaches as are taking clients from them. That’s not the case. Then there are coaches who want to be regulated and if you look you will notice that most of these groups that want regulation have their own schools that would benefit greatly from having to force people through these doors. That is the great part of coaching each person can have a different attack angle for the same problem. One tactic may not work while another is wildly successful. Therefore, another point that helps is that coaching isn’t locked into a particular way of helping a person. Unlike therapy, whereas a new disorder comes about suddenly you have everybody being diagnosed with that ailment. Look at anxiety for instance. So is therapy good? Yes, it does serve people who need it. Does coaching work? Very much so. If you are looking for a coach I would be happy to fill that spot. You can read more about my services at Work With Bryan
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    Disempowering Thoughts


    News going to be making some changes to when things are being released. I want to keep the current release schedule for the video of the week the Wednesday blog post and the podcast but I have lots of other plans for the site that are being ignored so Once a month there will be only a video and a podcast. If I can do the other plans and take out an item of the honey-do list and I still have time to write then you can consider the blog post a bonus. But I have been learning about some of the steps I am needing to attract more clients for signing up. To do that I have to focus on other parts of the site. For instance the landing page for the divorce recovery workshop. Still working on the name but I want to get it done so I can help those men struggling with their purpose in the midst of their marriage falling apart. I also need to work on the Brotherhood of Men's Landing page. I am getting people looking at it but they are not nibbling. So many items like this that need to be changed. The Podcast will keep going I am not willing to let it slide just yet. I know I need to work on my short game for this business and the long game will still be there. I am also going to drop the question of the week. Been doing it for about a year and no emails. So I will wait for enough listeners to show up and start asking questions when that happens then I will bring it back. It was a good experiment to see if I can get some people to interact with the show but they just are talking yet. Main Topic We are men of power yet what is keeping us from being powerful? We often want to point the blame to someone else or some external circumstance Examples of Disempowering thoughts It's not MY fault, Everybody/somebody did something to me and now I'm all screwed up. I can’t do follow my dream, I need to prioritize OTHER people because I’m a good person I can't think of that right now I am in too much pain. I don't have time right now I am just too busy. When the kids are out of the house When the time is right I will get it done someday I would if I have enough money It's easy for them! If I had their influence... If I had their money... If... I am practical I'm not that good That's how they get you That just how it goes I have the worst luck I suck at_______ I know they are laughing at me I should have started 10 years ago I don't want to be a jerk. It's easier said than done She doesn't like me She doesn't like sex I cant perform as she wants I can't satisfy her How to change why are you thinking small? You think small because of fear. You fear the worst may happen. Could the worst happen? what is the worst? For some, the worst is looking like a fool. While others fear being successful and being called all the. names they called successful people. It could be that you are fearing that you will be judged by your friends as a sellout or worse. According to Tripp Lanier many times we play life small because want one or more of these 4 things and we are afraid that if we don't play life small we won't get these Freedom Love Aliveness Peace In fact, because you are living life small is why you are not receiving most of these. Ask yourself probing questions Ask yourself questions that dig deeper into why you are thinking this way. What is your why? Why do you think the way you do? When were you told that thought? Who was always telling you that you weren't good enough When as you were growing up did you notice adults saying that very thing? Is what you believe really true or are you just basing it on what you were told? Did someone close to you tell you your dreams were wrong or impractical? Are your thoughts based on fear or scarcity? Where did these thoughts originate? Be honest with your answers This can be difficult but it is possible to tell yourself the truth. Often we will actually lie to ourselves so that we don't have to face the uncomfortable feelings of our beliefs are actually not matching up to what we are believing. Change your Programming When you find yourself thinking these thoughts that are holding you back change that programming. Instead of you are always unlucky, try I make my luck. I am not good enough to be a part of that group try I am good enough or I am going to be good enough that they can't ignore me. You can take those limiting beliefs and with determination, you can alter them. It's not easy and you will fall back into your old habits when you aren't paying attention. Yet, you can change how you view yourself. Start doing the opposite of what you are telling yourself. Think you can't cook? then start cooking. Are you going to burn the eggs from time to time? Yep, but you have a choice to get mad at yourself, make it fun give yourself grace and laugh it up. Life is way too short to take seriously.
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    Your Basket of Beliefs


    Question of The Week By The Brotherhood of Men What are some unknown laws of manhood? There really aren’t any unknown laws of manhood. There are things in men's lives that they need to do to have a great and masculine life. Men have purposes and it needs to be at the top of objectives to find out what that purpose is. Most times that purpose is something that is bigger than them. They are helping other people to achieve their purpose. That could be through a service-based life. Like being the best employee you can be for your employer. You could also be that you need to join up with a charity or even start a charity. There is a chance that you see a need that isn’t filled. Therefore you may have the purpose of starting a business and helping the local community by providing a product that enriches their life. There really is a lot of options you can do. The objective of this is to live your life to the fullest. Don't sit around wishing that you can do something. Get up off the dirt and do it. take action. face that fear you have that it won't work. You never know till you try. Your uncle who is shooting down your ideas doesn’t know. Your parents don't know. You don't know till you act. Men are meant to protect their families. Provide for their family, and lead their family. You do this by making sure you take care of yourself. By working on your Mind, Body, Soul, and building a community of men who can help you. Main Topic What are beliefs? At the root, these are thoughts that you perceive to be true. As we walk through life we gather different beliefs. We see something that catches our eye and we decide whether we will put it into our basket of beliefs. As we continue through life that basket starts to fill up. There are times that we have to trade one belief for another or we struggle to try to keep both beliefs in the basket. Yet our basket is so full that we start going down avenues of suffering because we are trying so hard to make sure we keep all the beliefs together though they clearly don't all fit. The cool thing about beliefs is that though we use them to define us we can actually take a belief out of our basket and set it down. If it doesn't serve us anymore. If we find a prettier stone that would fit just nicely in our basket we may have to put the old belief down for someone else to find. It doesn't hurt you to change your beliefs often if you look at a belief long enough you will see that it's not quite as alluring as you once thought and so it doesn't do you any harm to set that belief down and go about your day. You are able to get a better knowledge of yourself as you examine your beliefs. As you read you are able to find new nuggets of beliefs

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