The Relaxed Male

Get Outside!

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Question of the week by The Brotherhood of Men

 

How do I become a better father, husband, and steward of the community, despite having a rough past?

by Bryan Whitson

Build your 4 pillars of a good man.

Your mind

Read learn and grow. Learn about yourself. Read how to communicate with your son and with your spouse. As you read apply the lessons you learn.

Write in a journal that way you are leaving a gift for your family. You are also able to see your improvements. Writing does a great job of cleaning your mind and empties your thoughts.

with communication though know the secret to all of it is seek first to understand before you are to be understood.

A good book to read is The Boy Crisis by Dr Warren Farrell. The first 3/4 of the book is great the last 1/4 gets a little iffy on some of the claims but that could just be my cognitive dissidence in action.

your body

exercise, build your body. I don’t mean bull up but take care of yourself. This will come in handy when your son and daughter are older. Men also need to control violence in their life, so get into jujitsu or some other physical sport. This teaches you to control and expels the excess energy that will cause you to become listless.

your soul 

Find your passion work towards it. If you are dreaming of having your own business the do it you don’t have to blow all your savings on getting it started but work towards it. Start that journey.

find something that feeds your soul maybe it is volunteering to help the homeless or working for some charity. Maybe it is building RC planes, or carving little figurines out of wood. Find a passion and stick to it. Hint what did you like to do when you were a tween or a teenager? That is a big clue to your calling.

Have a hobby or something you do outdoors. This is another activity that will come in handy when your kids are older and you are wanting them to open up to you.

your community

Get in a church if you are religious. It doesn’t hurt to be in a church if you are not. You need a community that knows you and your family.

Don’t forsake your band of brothers. Don’t stop contact with your old friends. They need you and you need them. Yeah, some will leave as you grow but you will also find others who will take their place but always have a group of men you meet with regularly.

Be apart of a civic organization. Be it lions club freemasons or what. Have a group you can help be a part of something bigger than yourself.

with all that you will be in a better place

Main Topic

Man, it is springtime and before we know it it will end up being summer. Now is the best time to get outside and start getting the benefits of being outdoors. What are some of the benefits you ask? You have vitamin D from the sun. This helps your mood and strengthens your bones. Vitamin D helps with serotonin production and the blue light helps you have a more positive outlook on life.

You also get lots of fresh air when you are are outside. So it would do you good to get the better fresh air from outdoors than the polluted indoor air you have in your house. It doesn't matter if you are running a HEPA filter. Your house is still more polluted than it is in any city.

The exercise you do when you are outdoors helping to get the blood flowing and clears the pores of gunk and it is said that you also sweat out some toxins that might be in your body. Does it? I really don't know but it can't hurt. Then add the fresh air and you are able to fully oxygenate your blood.

How do you get outdoors?

The answer is easy anywhere even in the city you can get outdoors. Yet, if you can get out in the boonies that would be better. You can go camping and see new areas of the world. The camping is really good because you can experience the 3-day effect. which happens when you camp for more than 3 days. So get outside. go camping go swim in a lake. enjoy the wonders of mother nature and all the life that it can give you. 

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    Mention   The Operation: Tears of the 22 off the Hardball event is coming up on August 5-8 Free for veterans and their families. There are going to be Jeep clubs there for you to go rock crawling and other jeep trails. Fishing and hiking, Then there is the benefit of being our in nature.   Event Page: https://www.facebook.com/tearsofthe22/   Question of the week   Why does toxic masculinity exist in our society?   The term toxic masculinity was a word created by people who needed a boogyman to pin their troubles on. Now with that said there is no actual toxic masculinity there are however guys who don't know how to act and the cause of this is because of a lack of strong masculine presence in these boy's lives.   This is thanks to the no-fault divorce and the government coming in to play the financial part of the father role. There are many people who think with these events that men are not needed for much and that isn’t the case. Men are vital to the raising of kids and boys in particular. Men teach kids boundaries and why sticking to those boundaries is important. Men teach kids that being strong and competitive is needed for you to be successful. Men also teach their kids that hard work is imperative to being able to get what you are wanting.   Men also show boys how a man is supposed to act. Without the strong male influence in a boy's life, they look to other boys who are older and don't have a father who taught them how to act. So the problem is slowly amplifying itself since the ’60s.   https://qr.ae/pGTwqA   Main Topic   We have all heard the phrase happy wife happy life right? What does that typically mean to you or others? It seems that many people and this includes women, people completely misinterpret what this old saying means and how it is supposed to be implemented.   How do you have a happy wife?   You have a happy wife by making sure you let her know that you are on her side. Often we mistake this phrase to mean that if we don’t do her bidding then she will make us miserable. For many men that is true. If you don’t do something she wants you to do then there may be hell to pay in the long run.    For many guys, this is essentially making it so that she has to micromanage you and this causes a reduction of respect, and that is where the problems start cropping up. That is because if your woman doesn’t respect you then she will find someone else who she can respect.    Now if you are in a marriage where the wife doesn’t respect you already, sweat it but know that you are able to turn the tide and start building respect.   You cannot make a person happy   Now one of the biggest reasons that the saying of Happy wife is a happy life is because you absolutely can not make your wife happy. The same as she can’t make you happy, it is physically impossible. It is mentally impossible too.   Your emotions are your emotions and those emotions come from your thoughts. Now you can react or respond to a person’s actions, but your thoughts are what create your emotions.    For instance, if your wife tells you that you are not able to buy that new bass boat, you have the choice to be angry or to be ok with that decision. You can find a different way to acquire that new boat that will allow you to have it. Then again you can stomp around and be angry, which in my experience does no good. Sure you can pout like a 5-year-old who doesn’t get a candy bar, but you aren’t going to win your wife over to your side. She may cave but it will be with great resentment. That’s not helping your case either.   You can also take the old stand by, buying flowers. You can think this will make her happy and it may very well do so. Then again it may cause her to think what did you buy now? See you can’t make her happy. She is the only one who can actually make herself feel the emotion of happiness or joy. Sorry man, you may be able to curl her toes in the bed but if she isn’t happy with herself she won’t be happy.    This means to help them feel safe and secure   To have a wife who is loving and engaged in your life. There are things you can do to actually ease her mind. The biggest is to help her feel safe and heard. This can be a challenge for us Mr, fix-it types because we try to do this all the time and it doesn’t work. Then we sit around and wonder why women are so hard to figure out.   The key to helping her feel safe, secure, and heard is to talk. Don’t fix it, but listen till you fully understand what she is saying to you. Many people think parroting what we believe to be the key points will help, and sometimes it does. Yet it really rings true to her when you can summarise what she is saying. If she says no that’s not it or not entirely then it is time to go back and ask more questions to her until you fully understand.   We also have to make sure that she feels secure. Not only financially but physically too. Now the physical part can be easy for use men, the financial part can be tricky especially when either one of you has a scarcity mindset   That doesn’t mean that you do their bidding   Now sadly many of us guys turn into Mr. Nice Guy thinking that this is what Happy Wife’s happy life means. This is disastrous to a relationship. Mr. Nice Guy doesn’t get any respect. He doesn’t stand for anything and that blushing bride will ride off with a biker quicker than you can say, “Yes Dear”   Now if she asks you to do something you can choose to go do it for her but if you are busy then tell her, I can right now I am in the middle of this project. She will either say Ok when you are done, or she will go get it herself.   Whatever you don’t just drop what you are doing and go run after it. Your wife doesn’t want a slave. If you disagree with something and you firmly believe that it will help you out. Then go for it, but don’t go behind her back. That is a trust violator and that is even harder to get back than the respect.   Build integrity with her especially if the object is financial. You just spending money higgeldy Piggeldy will create more of the financial insecurity and that is shooting you in the foot.   Now there are chores you will have to do and for the same reasons that the kids have to do their chores. These are things needed for the house to run properly. So if you want to help her do the dishes then good. Help her. If she asks if you can help her and you are sitting on the couch doing nothing then help her. Nothing wrong with your two teaming up to get the chores done.   Help her purpose   Another way you can help her is to see when she is showing interest in something and help her with that. Maybe she is wanting to start gardening. Then go find a book that will help her get the best tomato plants. If she is learning how to paint then maybe surprise her with painting lessons. This can be a challenge as it will cost some money but if it helps her find her personal spark in creativity then you are on the right path.    
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There are some good bits of news and some bad bits of news on this front. The Bad News Let’s get the hard part over with. Yes, your mother left you. It is sad, and you don’t have a reason why. The frustrating part of this is that you will never have a full reason why. Even if your mom is still alive, you won’t get all your questions answered. My mom left me and my dad. Now she was still in my life. So I was in a better boat Thani other people but she left my dad and me to live in a small town and she went to a large city. When I was younger there were times that I was sad that she left. Yeah, I was glad when I got to see her and knew that she loved me. Yet she wasn’t around. I went through a time of thinking it was me and I acted out in those times. really gave my stepmother a rough time. I am not proud of my past as a young man. I almost repeated the whole thing when my daughter was born. I didn’t see her first year in her life yet Thankfully I did see her and eventually had her in my house for several years till she wanted to go back to her grandmother’s house. Now I tell that whole story to explain we all adapt. How you adapt is up to you. There is very little in life you can control and the fact that you are wanting to know how to have that feeling in your life that you had a mom that cared for you. Now since I don’t know your mom I don’t know for sure but if your mom is still alive, there is a chance that she does still care about you. She may not show it in the ways you would imagine she should but that is where your resistance in life is coming from. You are shoulding on her instead of living your life to the fullest. You can’t control her actions or her thoughts. You can’t make her proud nor can you make her proud of you. The same as you can’t make your dad proud of you, or make anybody feel anything. THeir emotions cant be felt by you. Now they may perform an action to display their emotions but you can take those actions to mean anything. I would say if you had a mom how would she act? Then know that is nothing more than a manual for how our mom should operate. She will not live up to that lofty set of requirements. You have the ability to accept that your mother isn’t available. She is self-absorbed or she is homeless and drugged out of her mind. You can and need to apply all the facts you do know. You can choose to love her for all of her flaws. Yeah even if she is a tweaker living on the street. She is able to be loved. The same as you. You may think a mom should at in a certain way yet, moms are human and they will do what they want to do. You have no control over other people’s actions. Sad but true. If and when you have a 2-year-old you will learn this very quickly. They have their own agency and they want to try everything. You cant keep them from climbing the couch and jumping off the back and onto the cushions. The good news Because you don’t have a mom you can turn to right now or at any time you may feel as if you are not loved. You may feel as if you are unloveable. Have you ever really paid attention to that word loveable? Think about it. Mull it over while you read this next part. Do you remember how I said how you can’t feel other people’s emotions? The same goes for others. They can’t feel any of your emotions either. Your emotions come from your thoughts. They don’t come from the actions or events that happen to you. When a particular circumstance comes about you develop a thought about it. That thought creates an emotion. Right now you are having thoughts that are along the line that you didn’t have a mom that showed you love. Therefore you are having something in the way of thought that you are unloveable. That is simply not the case. Now let’s look at that word, loveable. Break it down Love and able. It points to exactly what I am saying you are able to love anybody you want to. The person who is in your life can be there strictly for you to love. You get all the benefits of feeling that love, and the other person can stop you. So you are you lovable? Yes because YOU are able to love. You can control your thoughts, which creates your emotions. Those emotions are for you to feel. You don’t have to feel happy and joyful all the time. In fact, it is good to feel sad and other “negative” emotions from time to time when they serve you. You don’t have to be held slave to the thought that your mother didn’t love you. You just couldn’t see her actions to show you that she loved you. You have a choice you can make. LOve those and live life to the fullest. Make the most of each day or you can choose to pine for someone who may have loved you and thought they made the best choice for what they were experiencing at that time. Main Topic There are two types of people the producer and the consumer. Do you contribute to your friends, family and work? Or do you just show up for a paycheck? The liability man is the man who just shows up for work complains the whole time he is there and expects a paycheck at the end of the pay period. While the producer is adding value to all he does. This goes for his friends and family. He is working to enrich their lives not take from it. 
  • The Relaxed Male

    Get Outside!

    41:44

      Question of the week by The Brotherhood of Men   How do I become a better father, husband, and steward of the community, despite having a rough past? by Bryan Whitson Build your 4 pillars of a good man. Your mind Read learn and grow. Learn about yourself. Read how to communicate with your son and with your spouse. As you read apply the lessons you learn. Write in a journal that way you are leaving a gift for your family. You are also able to see your improvements. Writing does a great job of cleaning your mind and empties your thoughts. with communication though know the secret to all of it is seek first to understand before you are to be understood. A good book to read is The Boy Crisis by Dr Warren Farrell. The first 3/4 of the book is great the last 1/4 gets a little iffy on some of the claims but that could just be my cognitive dissidence in action. your body exercise, build your body. I don’t mean bull up but take care of yourself. This will come in handy when your son and daughter are older. Men also need to control violence in their life, so get into jujitsu or some other physical sport. This teaches you to control and expels the excess energy that will cause you to become listless. your soul  Find your passion work towards it. If you are dreaming of having your own business the do it you don’t have to blow all your savings on getting it started but work towards it. Start that journey. find something that feeds your soul maybe it is volunteering to help the homeless or working for some charity. Maybe it is building RC planes, or carving little figurines out of wood. Find a passion and stick to it. Hint what did you like to do when you were a tween or a teenager? That is a big clue to your calling. Have a hobby or something you do outdoors. This is another activity that will come in handy when your kids are older and you are wanting them to open up to you. your community Get in a church if you are religious. It doesn’t hurt to be in a church if you are not. You need a community that knows you and your family. Don’t forsake your band of brothers. Don’t stop contact with your old friends. They need you and you need them. Yeah, some will leave as you grow but you will also find others who will take their place but always have a group of men you meet with regularly. Be apart of a civic organization. Be it lions club freemasons or what. Have a group you can help be a part of something bigger than yourself. with all that you will be in a better place Main Topic Man, it is springtime and before we know it it will end up being summer. Now is the best time to get outside and start getting the benefits of being outdoors. What are some of the benefits you ask? You have vitamin D from the sun. This helps your mood and strengthens your bones. Vitamin D helps with serotonin production and the blue light helps you have a more positive outlook on life. You also get lots of fresh air when you are are outside. So it would do you good to get the better fresh air from outdoors than the polluted indoor air you have in your house. It doesn't matter if you are running a HEPA filter. Your house is still more polluted than it is in any city. The exercise you do when you are outdoors helping to get the blood flowing and clears the pores of gunk and it is said that you also sweat out some toxins that might be in your body. Does it? I really don't know but it can't hurt. Then add the fresh air and you are able to fully oxygenate your blood. How do you get outdoors? The answer is easy anywhere even in the city you can get outdoors. Yet, if you can get out in the boonies that would be better. You can go camping and see new areas of the world. The camping is really good because you can experience the 3-day effect. which happens when you camp for more than 3 days. So get outside. go camping go swim in a lake. enjoy the wonders of mother nature and all the life that it can give you. 
  • The Relaxed Male

    Finding Your Band Of Brothers

    35:56

    Announcements Announcements Workshop for Divorced Men New Gear for a better podcast - Zoom Podtrak P4 Question of the Week by The Brotherhood of Men Is it normal to feel discouraged about hobbies if your parents get too involved? I am going to assume that you are around the age of 14–18 years old, and still living in your parent's house. With that being the case the answer can be yeah. You are wanting to be your own person and when your parents jump into something that you like doing it is like the squares are invading a party. Yet I would encourage you to look at it in a different way. Ask yourself why they are they wanting to do what I am doing? It could be that they are wanting to monitor you and see that you aren’t doing anything wrong. Yet. it could also be that they are wanting to be in your life. They want to understand your passions and what drives you. Most of the time your boring parents are wanting to spend time with you. When they know you are in the basement working on a model RC plane they know they can come down and talk with you and learn from you. Most of the time they are wanting to spend time with you. They do love you and want to have as much time as possible with you before you leave the nest and live your life. Try asking them why they are showing interest. When they ask annoying questions take it as you are able to teach your parents something. Main Topic Define who you want to be your friend Who is your 3 am people? WHo do you look for? No, they don’t have to all think like you They need to have the same drive. Helps if you all can meet at the same time  Where do you find people who could be in Your band of brothers? Church Social Gatherings Community events Civic Organizations Clubs Fraternity organizations Meetups
  • The Relaxed Male

    The Need For a Band Of Brothers

    32:13

    Question of The Week by The Brotherhood Of Men What is the best way to become a good father to a teenager you just met? Now I don't know all the details so let's do this in two parts. Those parts will be the most likely scenarios, This is your stepson and a boy in your neighborhood. Stepson If the boy is your stepson then your role isn’t the disciplinarian. This isn’t really gonna work for two reasons the teenager doesn’t have that type of bond with you. The other reason is that the biological parent will eventually take offense to you disciplining their child. They may be ok with it at first but they will eventually take the child's side. So thinking you are going to be the lord of your manor is out the window. Your role is to be a mentor. In fact, this role really needs to be what all parents are for their teenagers. They're at the point now that have a mind and they have free will and trying to herd them like they are 8 simply makes the rebellion in then go harder the other way. To mentor the teen, include them in your life. Talk to them but don't lecture. Seek first to understand what they are saying before you ever try to be understood. The understood part will come but if you just do the hardest thing possible and just listen they will actually turn to your for advice before they turn to the moron friends. The kid in the Neighborhood For the kid in the neighborhood if you are wanting to help a young adult out you may want to involve their mother in the discussion because if you don't have her on board you will be fighting an uphill battle because the mom may feel that you are trying to take her child away. When in all reality you are just trying to inject some strong masculine influence into his life. When she is on board then you again include the kid in your life. invite them to go camping. If you are going on a hike then share your time as freely as you can. Again like the stepchild you are a mentor. You don't have the power to discipline. So you have to talk to them and listen to what they are saying. Understand what is coming out of their mouth and let them ask for advice. Answer requested by James F Evans Main Topic Men and their Band of Brothers On average I have heard that the average man has only 1 or maybe 3 good friends he can turn to. This is a truly sad state for men. We don't surround ourselves with those who can push us and encourage us to do the hard things that make us great. Instead, w sit behind a computer screen and have sort of friends. Yeah, you may have some people you play games with, but how much do you know about those people? Yes, there are those people who have very close relationships with others who they have never seen personally. How many people can you talk to about a deep fear you have in your mind? Do you have someone with you who can share the intimate details of a dream you have? Who many people can you call at 3 in the morning and know they would be there to help? That number is sadly pretty small. Then tag on the Men Going Their Own Way movement and you start having a lot of lonely people who have no one to turn to when they are struggling. So you have a Band of Brothers? Why do men need friends? I look at my son Jayden, and he is actually got a small band of brothers. They actually choose to meet every weekend and just talk. They share what they are doing in their lives. There are talks of what they are pursuing in their dreams and they challenge each other. More men need this very type of interaction. Men need friends because we are not solitary creatures. Yeah some of us may be introverts yet from mental health to achieving their dreams you need the power of your band of brothers to help you along the way. There is strength in An odd question right to ask but it has been asked a few times on quora and in other places. Why do men need This is the problem of the whole MGTOW Movement No man is an island There are things men can do that women cant Men need the support of other strong men Men need other men to push them real friends Your 3 o'clock list Why is it important? There is a special level of trust
  • The Relaxed Male

    Do Words Have Power?

    33:36

    Question of the week by Brotherhood of Men Why am I getting angry over small things and ending up so much frustrated and at last beating myself or beating others? Well, there are a few points that can help you stop getting angry all the time. The first, is to know what is the opposite of love? It's not anger nor is it often thought of as being hate. The true opposite of love is fear. Fear destroys while love builds. The second is nobody can do anything emotionally to you. They can not make you mad. They cant make you happy. They cant make you nervous. All these emotions you feel come from one thing a thought you had. Now you may have been in a situation that created a thought that generated a particular emotion. The solution is simple but it takes a lot of practice. Start paying attention to what you are thinking. Look at and try to understand what thoughts you have under different circumstances. If you are having trouble with this and you are always jumping to something in your past you may want to see a counselor, to address why past thoughts are your go-to response. Many times when you do “thought work” realize what thought is causing the anger you cant start working on changing that thought and trying to examine the why around that thought. You can see that there are other ways to approach that same circumstance and they can also be very positive. If you find that you are taking minor actions and comments and making them mean something personal and getting angry that way. Then you can seek out a coach or someone of that nature so they can help you with your thought work. There are a few ways you can mitigate anger when you are in the moment that you find yourself getting worked up over something. Take a step back deep breathes talk to a friend Changing your overall mindset is also something that can help with your anger issues. Exercise, not just a push-up or two but get into physical exercise like JuJitSu some type of controlled violence. If you don't have anything like that around you then find a good 50 lbs rock and story throwing it up and down your yard. Run bleachers but do it aggressively. Gratitude journal Each morning or each evening write down 5 things you are grateful for. This helps change your mind from a scarcity mindset to an abundant mindset. People with abundant mindsets see the world as an opportunity and not as a wasteland. So it is harder for them to want to waste energy on something like getting angry. Stop watching the news The biggest cause of anger for the world. They write to keep you watching or reading, it is not for your benefit it is for theirs. You can still find out what happening around you without FOX or MSNBC barking at you to be outraged at everything idiots we elected are doing. Find a purpose This is a huge one. If you have a purpose you will not want to waste all of your time and energy on frivolous emotions like anger. You have a mountain to climb and you are the only person who can do it. Main Topic Do words have power? Sort of but not really. We often want to think that words have power do because it is easier to not have to take responsibility for our own actions. Abara Cadabra has the power to delight a child. Yet if you say Crucio that kids won’t suddenly become racked with pain. (Harry Potter reference) Why doesn’t the unforgivable curse of Crucio not work? If words have power would they not exert the effect you want them to have? What are words? They are vibrations created by our mouth

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