210. When You Don't Feel Good Enough

Many parents of estranged adult children find themselves constantly staying busy and never pausing to rest. Others find it impossible to muster any motivation at all. Withdrawing, numbing out, struggling with perfectionism or people-pleasing… These may all be signs of nervous system dysregulation, and the simple need to know we're valuable and lovable. This episode features an audio excerpt from host Tina Gilbertson's interview with Australian author and mindfulness coach Kate James. Kate identifies four hidden ways that not feeling good enough can manifest in behavior. She ties particular patterns to the Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn responses of the nervous system. Listen to Kate lay it out and Tina summarize in this interesting and helpful episode. Listeners can find the link to Kate's original article below. For evidence-based information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Follow us on Instagram. EPISODE LINKS: https://insighttimer.com/katejames https://totalbalance.com.au/not-feeling-good-enough/ Tina's interview with Kate in the Reconnection Club 

When estranged adult children don't share their reasons for going no-contact, parents can be forgiven for making assumptions. Some assumptions can be helpful, and even somewhat soothing. But far more often during unwanted estrangement from adult children, assumptions made by parents make them feel powerless. Here are a few examples: My adult child's partner doesn't like me. My adult child is holding a grudge about something in the past. My adult child has a mental illness. My adult child didn't accept my written apology, and that's why they're still silent. Any of those could be true. But then again, they could also be false. Or irrelevant to the estrangement. In this thought-provoking episode, host Tina Gilbertson presents three separate statements from estranged parents, highlighting the assumptions they contain, and explaining why they're problematic. Next, she provides four simple questions we can ask when assumptions make us feel worse about ourselves or our situation. And lastly, she encourages listeners to focus on what they know, which is their own experience. For evidence-based information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Follow us on Instagram. EPISODE LINKS: Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 160: Emotional Reasoning

When adult children go "no contact" with parents, in some cases it's because of an overdrawn emotional bank account between them. In this thought-provoking episode, host Tina Gilbertson explains the workings of your relationship bank account with your estranged adult child(ren) -- including examples of emotional deposits and withdrawals. Not every rejected parent has an overdrawn emotional account with their estranged adult child. But if the balance between you is in question at all, this episode will help you make a plan to set things right. For much more information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Follow us on Instagram. EPISODE LINKS: Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 199. Validation: What, Why, How and When General Discussion Forum (Reconnection Club members only)

How do you heal an estranged relationship with your adult child when there’s no contact? Through a recording from a past group Q&A call, host psychotherapist Tina Gilbertson shares her insights about the self-reflexive relationship between parents and adult children, and its potential for healing. Tina emphasizes that lingering emotional injuries in the parent -- who may not be aware of how those wounds continue to compromise them -- can play a significant role in why adult children choose to distance themselves. Recognizing this can be the first step toward healing. Tina encourages listeners to prioritize their own healing and personal growth. Because by working on themselves, parents can create a healthier emotional environment, even from a distance. Healing takes time. But change is possible, and with patience and dedication, estranged relationships can start to transform even before contact resumes. Join Tina as she delivers this challenging yet hopeful message, offering comfort and guidance to those in deep emotional pain. For much more on healing relationships between parents and adult children, including what goes wrong and how parents can respond effectively, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child: Practical Tips and Tools to Heal Your Relationship Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 194: Room For Improvement Want to support the podcast? Become a Reconnection Club member and get access to educational content and online events hosted by Tina, as well as our members-only forums. Monthly and annual memberships are available. Learn more.

In this important episode for parents with estranged adult children, therapist and host Tina Gilbertson discusses a common mistake that can keep the distance between them.  Many parents think estrangement is just a form of the “silent treatment” and a reaction to their parenting mistakes. They struggle to understand why all the good things they did -- such as providing support, resources or time --  don’t outweigh the issues their child is upset about. This confusion can make parents feel rejected, abandoned, and unfairly treated. By learning the key differences between estrangement and "the silent treatment,” parents can start to understand what their adult children might be trying to communicate through their silence. For information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina’s book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE RESOURCES: 8 Differences Between Estrangement and “The Silent Treatment” Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 157: Is It Proportional?

Host Tina Gilbertson continues the conversation from Episode 203 about navigating differences in values within parent-adult child relationships. This episode explores additional factors that can strengthen reconciled relationships, even in the presence of different values. Key Topics Discussed: The concept of "glue" in relationships and what connects us beyond differing values The importance of shared goals and interests in family dynamics Fun as a vital component in rebuilding connections Identifying and focusing on what you have in common The role of respect and validation in fostering connection The significance of rituals and shared history in family relationships Disclaimer: Tina emphasizes that contact is a Step 3 activity on the Road Map to Reconnection. Listeners are encouraged to assess their readiness before taking action based on the suggestions provided in this episode. For information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE RESOURCES: Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 203: When You Have Different Values Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 97: Road Map to Reconnection (Part 1) Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 98: Road Map to Reconnection (Part 2) Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 99: Road Map to Reconnection (Part 3) Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 198: Validation (Or Lack Thereof) Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 199. Validation: What, Why, How and When Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 200. Validation and You, The Estranged Parent Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 201. Validation FAQs

In this insightful episode, psychotherapist Tina Gilbertson tackles the sensitive issue of how parents can manage differences in values with their adult children -- especially when those differences lead to estrangement. Whether it’s political disagreements, religious conflicts, or cultural clashes, Tina explores how it’s not always the values themselves that cause tension, but the way those differences are handled. Tina draws on years of experience working with values differences, to provide actionable strategies for parents to overcome value conflicts, reduce emotional friction, and begin the journey of reconciliation. Through empathy, improved communication, and mutual respect, parents can create space for healing and rebuild relationships that may seem beyond repair. Key Takeaways: Why handling value differences with adult children can either create distance or bring you closer together The role of empathy and effective communication in reducing conflict and fostering reconnection How to navigate difficult topics like politics, religion, and lifestyle differences without furthering estrangement  Practical advice for parents on healing family relationships, even when values don’t align For information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 198: Validation (Or Lack Thereof) Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 199. Validation: What, Why, How and When Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 200. Validation and You, The Estranged Parent Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 201. Validation FAQs Toastmasters International Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 190: You Can Do Hard Things

Follow The Reconnection Club on Instagram @Reconnectionclub. In this inspiring episode, one parent shares his personal journey from estrangement to reconciliation with his adult child. Through his voice, we hear not only a story of healing and hope, but also surprising insights into the meaning of reconnection. This powerful account comes to us thanks to the generosity of one Reconnection Club member, who courageously offers his story in his own words.  For information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

In this final episode of a series on validation (see links below), Reconnection Club Podcast host Tina Gilbertson brings clarity and compassion to one of the most emotionally charged applications of this skill: validating estranged adult children. Earlier episodes explored what a lack of validation looks like, offered a two-step validation technique (be sure to review Ep. 199 before listening to this one), and suggested reasons to practice validating yourself before trying it with others. This episode features tips for applying validation in the sensitive context of a trouble relationship. To round out this episode and the validation series, you’ll hear thoughtful answers to three frequently asked questions, including whether it’s okay to bring out negative feelings while validating, and how to regularly express empathy with small children without making them self-centered. Offering both helpful guidance and hope, this series of episodes (198-201) will be treasured by anyone wanting to connect or reconnect with their adult child(ren) in a way that feels authentic, respectful, and emotionally intelligent. For much more on relationships between parents and adult children, including what goes wrong and how parents can respond effectively, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Part 1. Validation (Or Lack Thereof) (Ep 198) Part 2. Validation: What, Why, How and When (Ep 199) Part 3. Validation and You, The Estranged Parent (Ep 200) Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 193: The Truth of the Matter Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 37: Reconciliation -- The 4 Stages of Competence Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings By Letting Yourself Have Them About Social Learning Theory RC Validation Resources page (members only) Want to support the podcast? Become a Reconnection Club member and get access to educational content and online events hosted by Tina, as well as our members-only forums. Monthly and annual memberships are available. Learn more. FOLLOW US ON INSTAGRAM

In this thought-provoking third episode of a 4-part series on validation, Tina Gilbertson takes listeners deeper into the heart of the topic. She makes a compelling case for why self-validation isn’t just helpful, it’s essential. Without it, our attempts to validate others, especially estranged adult children, can fall flat or even backfire. Tina shares a powerful (and somewhat unsettling) example that highlights just how tricky it can be to validate someone’s emotions when you’re the one they’re upset with. What do you do when you don’t agree with their version of you? How do you stay grounded in your own truth while still offering genuine empathy? You’ll come away from this episode with a clearer, more nuanced understanding of validation, and why it often starts with giving yourself what you may never have received from others. For much more on relationships between parents and adult children, including what goes wrong and how parents can respond effectively, read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. EPISODE LINKS: Part 1. Validation (Or Lack Thereof) (Ep 198) Part 2. Validation: What, Why, How and When (Ep 199)