The 4 Habits that Predict Relationship Trouble

Lessons learned from Very Bad Therapy. The Very Bad Therapy podcast has changed the way I think about therapy and the stories we do and do not tell. This episode is a replay from Inside Social Work with hosts Ben and Carrie.I loved this podcast and I learned so much from listening to it. It speaks to both therapists and non therapists, and it fits perfectly with the theme of This Complex Life. Therapy is difficult, messy, and complicated. I had the absolute pleasure of interviewing the hosts of the Very Bad Therapy Podcast, Ben and Carrie. We explore what therapists get wrong, how bad therapy can look different for every client, and why people so often blame themselves when therapy does not help. Ben and Carrie share what they have learned from hundreds of client stories and how those stories have changed the way they practise. We also talk about the side effects of therapy, what to do with feelings of defensiveness or imposter syndrome, the importance of asking about expectations in the first session, and how to repair when ruptures happen.Key Takeaways• Bad therapy cannot be reduced to a checklist. It depends on the individual client experience• Many clients internalise bad therapy and believe they are at fault• Therapy can have side effects and sometimes people feel worse afterwards• Mistakes will happen. Repair and humility matter more than perfection• Asking about expectations is just as important as setting goals• Therapists will feel defensive. The work is to notice it and respond with openness• Deliberate practice builds skills by focusing on one area at a time• Administrative details like fees, scheduling, and emails are part of the relationship and need careResourcesVery Bad Therapy podcast with Ben Feinman and Carrie WiitaModern Therapist Survival Guide with Kurt and KatieSentio Counselling Centre in CaliforniaLearn Psychotherapy podcast with Ben and CarrieInside Social Work with Marie VakakisIf this episode resonated with you please follow and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Sharing the episode helps more people join these honest conversations about mental health and relationships.Connected Teens https://marievakakis.com.au/connected-teens/Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Have you ever had a fight with your partner that started over something small but somehow turned into a huge blow up? It’s rarely about the dishes, the bills, or who walked the dog. The way we argue matters more than the content of the fight.In this solo episode, I talk about the four relationship habits that John and Julie Gottman call the “Four Horsemen”  patterns of conflict that predict relationship distress and even separation. More importantly, I share the antidotes: what to do instead.We’ll explore:Why conflict isn’t a bad sign and it’s how you handle it that mattersThe three main conflict styles couples useThe four habits that harm relationships: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewallingPractical antidotes for each of these habitsWhy repair and accountability are more powerful than getting it right every timeWhether you’re in a long-term relationship or just want to understand communication better, this episode will help you notice patterns and make small but meaningful shifts.Resources:The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work – John and Julie GottmanFight Right – Julie Schwartz Gottman and John GottmanListen now and start shifting the way you think about conflict.Connected Teens https://marievakakis.com.au/connected-teens/Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

It doesn’t usually happen with one big fight. Most couples who find themselves feeling distant say it crept up slowly. Busy schedules, kids, work, distractions and one day you realise you’re living more like housemates than partners.In this episode of This Complex Life, I talk about why couples drift apart, what research tells us about disconnection, and the small everyday actions that keep love alive.I share:Why disconnection often happens without us noticingHow emotional bids shape the strength of your bondWhat Gottman research shows about drifting vs closenessSimple practices to rebuild connection and stop feeling like housematesWhy small moments of presence matter more than big gestures🎧 Listen now to explore why drifting happens and what you can do to bring closeness back into your relationship.Resources:The Gottman InstituteRelationship RefreshAI Affairs, Clinic Closures, and the Mental Health Cost of Early SmartphonesConnected Teens https://marievakakis.com.au/connected-teens/Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Have you ever tried to explain what’s wrong in your relationship, only to be told you’re overreacting, imagining it, or making it up?In this episode of This Complex Life, I’m talking about Cassandra Syndrome,  the experience of feeling unheard, dismissed, or invisible in your own reality. While it’s often linked to partners of people with autism, ADHD, or other neurodivergence, the truth is it can show up in any relationship dynamic where your experiences are minimised.We’ll explore how Cassandra Syndrome develops, why it’s so damaging to your sense of self, and what helps you break the cycle. This is not about blame,  it’s about understanding, naming your experience, and finding ways to feel seen again.In this episode I talk about:What Cassandra Syndrome actually is (and isn’t)How being repeatedly dismissed affects your mental healthWhy some partners shut down instead of respondingThe role of emotional labour in relationshipsHow to set boundaries without falling into the rescuer roleSteps to reclaim your voice and sense of realityHow therapy can help couples rebuild connection and mutual understandingResources:The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and StonewallingThe Four Horsemen: The AntidotesConnected Teens https://marievakakis.com.au/connected-teens/Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

What if your dream job stopped feeling like a dream? What if suicide prevention strategies missed the voices of those who know it best? And what if modern masculinity was being reshaped right in front of us?In this Weekly Wrap, I explore three powerful stories making headlines in mental health and relationships. From rethinking passion at work, to placing lived experience at the heart of suicide prevention, to conversations about male role models and expectations, these stories reveal the deeper issues beneath the news.Listen in for context, reflections, and why these stories matter more than you might think.Resources https://www.mentalhealthcommission.gov.au/national-suicide-prevention-strategyhttps://www.abc.net.au/news/2025-08-02/national-suicide-strategy-samantha-mcintosh-anton-isaacs/105601504https://www.abc.net.au/listen/programs/this-working-life/is-your-dream-job-still-dreamy-/105541268https://www.sbs.com.au/on

What emotional relationships with chatbots reveal about loneliness, safety, and the fear of real intimacySomeone recently said their AI companion understands them more than their actual partner. That it listens, responds with care, and never judges. For them, it felt like love. But is it?In this episode of This Complex Life, I’m looking at the growing number of people forming emotional connections with chatbots. Some call it companionship. Some call it cheating. I think it tells a much bigger story about how scared many of us are to be vulnerable with real people.AI chatbots are designed to soothe, to validate, to agree. But real connection requires challenge, discomfort, and the ability to sit with mess. When that becomes too hard, some people turn to machines for comfort. I want to explore what that means for relationships, what we might be avoiding, and what we risk losing in the process.In this episode I talk aboutWhy AI chatbots feel emotionally safer than real peopleWhat people say they get from their AI companionThe emotional cost of comfort without challengeWhy some AI interactions start to feel like betrayalHow emotional growth comes from conflict, not easeWhat the Psychology Today article reveals about identity, empathy, and false connectionWhy relying on AI might feel good but leave us more disconnected in the long runResourceshttps://www.telegraph.co.uk/family/relationships/ai-chatbot-relationships https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_d08BZmdZu8 https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/code-conscience/202506/the-emotional-cost-of-ai-intimacyConnected Teens https://marievakakis.com.au/connected-teens/Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

AI affairs, vanishing therapy clinics, and phones before age 13Cheating with a chatbot. Therapy clinics shutting almost overnight. And new research on what smartphones are doing to young people’s mental health. These stories aren’t just news headlines. They are real issues showing up in therapy sessions and kitchen table conversations.Here’s what stood out this week:Chatbots and cheatingMore people are forming emotional bonds with AI bots. Some are even calling it an affair. It might seem far-fetched but it’s happening. These connections feel safe, non-judgemental and easy. But they also raise real questions about trust, emotional safety and what it means to be in a relationship.Thousands left without mental health careRamsay Health Care is closing 17 of its 20 psychology clinics across Australia. This decision is leaving thousands of clients, including children and high-risk individuals, without access to care. Many will end up on waitlists or lose support completely. It is another reminder that our mental health system is not working.Phones before 13 linked to poor mental healthA global study found that young people who got a smartphone before age 13 were more likely to experience suicidal thoughts, aggression and disconnection from reality. Teens in the study said this matched their own experiences. They feel tired, stressed and stuck between wanting to unplug and fearing being left out.Need something lighter?I’ve been watching Teenage Boss on ABC. It’s a great series showing what happens when teens manage the family budget. Entertaining, a bit surprising, and worth a watch.https://iview.abc.net.au/show/teenage-boss Resourceshttps://www.abc.net.au/news/2025-08-01/smartphones-impact-on-mental-health-some-teens-choose-dumbphones/105589326https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/19452829.2025.2518313?src=exp-la#abstract https://iview.abc.net.au/show/compass/series/39/video/RN2411H016S00

Affairs grab our attention. Whether it’s someone in the news or a friend of a friend, we tune in, pass judgement, or quietly reflect on our own relationships. But what is it that makes cheating stories so captivating?In this episode, I talk about why we care so much about other people’s affairs. I explore how unmet needs, identity, and longing can show up in relationships. I unpack what betrayal can do to a person’s sense of self, why fantasy can feel easier than reality, and why some couples do try to rebuild after infidelity.This is not about sensationalism or blame. It’s a real conversation about what I see in the therapy room and what can help people make sense of something painful and complicated.What I cover in this episodeWhy cheating stories hook us, even when they’re not oursHow social referencing plays into our opinions on infidelityWhat betrayal can do to trust, identity, and mental healthThe messiness of defining cheating in relationshipsHow unmet needs and longing can fuel emotional or physical affairsWhat it can look like to recover as an individualWhat’s involved in repairing a relationship after an affairWhy not all couples stay togetherWhat happens when a relationship starts as an affairThe impact of perpetual problems in relationships (Gottman research: 69 percent of issues are ongoing)Why switching partners doesn’t always solve core differencesWhat couples need to rebuild trust and connectionReferenced in this episode 📚 The State of Affairs by Esther PerelGottman Method couples therapy modelAtonement, Attunement, and Attachment framework69 percent of relationship problems are perpetual and unsolvableTherapy helps manage rather than eliminate these recurring issuesConnected Teens https://marievakakis.com.au/connected-teens/Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

When a breakup becomes life-threatening, why the Coldplay affair is stirring up fears about trust and betrayal, and what teens are really saying about how technology is affecting their mental health.This week:Men, separation and suicide risk New research from Orygen shows separated men are up to nine times more likely to die by suicide. We explore why this matters and what support is available. → Orygen summary → Full paperThe Coldplay affair It is more than celebrity gossip. Infidelity brings up shame, fear and emotional vulnerability. → Recommended book: The State of Affairs by Esther PerelTeen mental health and tech The ABC Compass episode Hijacking Adolescence captures what teens are really saying about screens and stress. → Watch on ABC iview

Not every uncomfortable feeling in a relationship is a warning sign. Sometimes it’s about growth, not danger.In this episode of This Complex Life, I explore how to tell the difference between genuine red flags and the emotional discomfort that comes with learning, stretching, and getting close to someone. From conflict to communication styles to how we ask for space, not everything unfamiliar is unsafe.We talk about the moments that feel uncertain and how to pause before labelling something as toxic or dangerous. This episode is for anyone who’s been unsure whether to lean in or walk away.Key takeawaysDisagreements aren’t always gaslightingShutting down isn’t always manipulationConflict is normal, repair matters more than perfectionForgetfulness and time-blindness aren’t proof someone doesn’t careSome people regulate through space, that doesn’t mean disconnectionEmotional awkwardness may be about past conditioning, not coldnessDifferences in pace or processing styles aren’t red flagsDiscomfort is not always danger, sometimes it’s growthResourcesmarievakakis.com.auWant to rebuild connection in your relationship?Check out Relationship Refresh: https://marievakakis.com.au/courses/relationship-refresh/ Connected Teens https://marievakakis.com.au/connected-teens/Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6