Why It Hurts to Hold a Grudge — and How to Let Go with Dr. Fred Luskin

Forgiveness might sound simple, but it's hard to let go of the anger that comes with being deeply hurt. Grudges, bitterness, and frustration with life’s unfairness can quietly build up over time and take a real toll on our mental and physical health. As The Happiness Lab kicks off a new season on spring cleaning your wellbeing, Dr. Laurie sits down with psychologist Dr. Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, to explore what research says about forgiveness. Why is letting go of resentment so much harder than it sounds? And what does it really mean to forgive someone? Plus, we revisit a powerful story from the archives that shows what forgiveness can look like in the face of profound loss and why it might be the most radical act of self-care we can take. Experts Referenced: Dr. Fred Luskin, psychologist and director of the Stanford Forgiveness Projects Miroslav Volf, Professor of Theology at Yale Divinity School and founder of the Yale Center for Faith & Culture Katy Milkman, Professor at The Wharton School, University of Pennsylvania Resources Mentioned:  "Put Your Imperfections Behind You: Temporal Landmarks Spur Goal Initiation When They Signal New Beginnings," by Hengchen Dai, Katherine L. Milkman, and Jason Riis (Psychological Science, 2015) Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness, by Fred Luskin (2002) “Effects of a Group Forgiveness Intervention on Forgiveness, Perceived Stress, and Trait-Anger” by Alex H. S. Harris, Frederic Luskin, Sonya B. Norman, Sam Standard, Jennifer Bruning, Stephanie Evans, and Carl E. Thoresen (Journal of Clinical Psychology, 2006) “Forgiveness and Conflict Resolution in Marriage” by Frank D. Fincham, Steven R. H. Beach, and Joanne Davila (Journal of Family Psychology, 2004) Free of Charge: Giving and Forgiving in a Culture Stripped of Grace, by Miroslav Volf (2006) Related Episodes: "Happiness Lessons of the Ancients: Forgiveness" (The Happiness Lab, 2021) "A New Hope" (The Happiness Lab, 2020) See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Why is social media so hard to quit? We waste hours scrolling, feel worse when we log off, and still find ourselves going back for more. Dr. Laurie sits down with Dr. Cass Sunstein, co-author of (00:00:57) Nudge, to explore a new concept from the 2026 World Happiness Report: the “product trap.” Together, they unpack why we keep returning to platforms that make us unhappy — and what it might take to finally break free. Resources mentioned in this episode: Technopoly: The Surrender of Culture to Technology Nudge: Improving Decisions About Health, Wealth, and Happiness “World Happiness Report 2026” “The Problem of Social Cost” “Valuing Facebook” “The Welfare Effects of Social Media” “When Product Markets Become Collective Traps: The Case of Social Media” “Libertarian Paternalism Is Not an Oxymoron”See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Over the past decade, rates of depression and loneliness have surged among young people. Many researchers point to one major change: the rise of smartphones and social media. But what does the data actually show? Psychologist Jean Twenge has spent years studying how technology shapes adolescent happiness. Dr. Laurie sits down with her to unpack new findings from the 2026 World Happiness Report on how social media use affects teen wellbeing around the world. What happens when kids spend hours a day on these platforms? Is any amount of social media actually beneficial? And what can we all do to build healthier relationships with our phones, regardless of age? Resources mentioned in this episode:  “What is the International Day of Happiness?” “World Happiness Report 2026” iGen: Why Today's Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy—and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood “Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation?” “National Trends in the Prevalence and Treatment of Depression in Adolescents and Young Adults” “Pew Research Center Mobile Fact Sheet” “Increases in Depression, Self‐Harm, and Suicide Among U.S. Adolescents After 2012 and Links to Technology Use: Possible Mechanisms” “The Effects of Social Media Restriction: Meta-Analytic Evidence from Randomized controlled Trials” “Am I Happier Without You? Social Media Detox and Well-Being: A Meta-Analysis of Randomized Controlled Trials” PISA 2022 Database 10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World: How Parents Can Stop Smartphones, Social Media, and Gaming from Taking Over Their Children's Lives “Over 20,000 Educators Share Insights on School Cell Phone Policies” “Managing Student Digital Distraction in the College Classroom: a Self-Determination Theory Perspective”See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Work doesn’t end when the workday does. Even after we close our laptops, our minds keep replaying awkward meetings, looming deadlines, and unfinished to-do lists. Over time, that “always on” mentality can quietly hijack our relationships, our health, and our happiness. Dr. Laurie sits down with psychologist and bestselling author Guy Winch (Mind Over Grind: How to Break Free When Work Hijacks Your Life) to explore the science of work stress — and why so many of us get stuck in fight-or-flight mode long after we’ve left the office.  Plus, Ben Walter, host of “The Unshakeables” and CEO of Chase for Business, shares what he’s learned from working with small business owners who don’t have the option to simply “clock out.” If you’ve ever felt like work is bleeding into everything, this episode offers science-based tools to help you take your life back. Resources mentioned in this episode: Mind Over Grind: How to Break Free When Work Hijacks Your Life "Burnout: A Review of Theory and Measurement" "The Relationship Between Workplace Stressors and Mortality and Health Costs in the United States" "How Small Businesses Drive the American Economy" "Small Business Facts" “The Unshakeables” "Yerkes-Dodson Law Of Arousal And Performance" “The Use of Imagery to Manipulate Challenge and Threat Appraisal States in Athletes” “Rebuilding After a Blaze: Luna Gourmet Coffee & Tea”See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

In Part 2 of Dr. Laurie’s conversation with researchers Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, we learn how couples can raise complaints without damaging their relationship — and how to respond constructively when a partner voices a concern. Their research shows that fighting doesn’t have to pull couples apart. When handled well, conflict can actually make relationships stronger. Further reading: Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

In this classic episode, Dr. Laurie speaks with two of the world’s most influential relationship scientists, Drs. John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman. In their renowned “Love Lab,” the married researchers have studied thousands of couples, identifying the subtle interaction patterns that predict whether partners will drift apart or stay happily together for decades. They join Dr. Laurie to share what we can learn from these “Masters of Relationships” — and how to build partnerships resilient enough to withstand life’s inevitable stresses and strains. Further reading: Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Modern dating can feel like a marketplace. We’re told we all have a “mate value,” that some people are 9s and 10s, and that the laws of evolution determine who gets chosen — and who gets rejected. But what if we’ve misunderstood what evolutionary science actually says about love? Dr. Laurie sits down with social psychologist Dr. Paul Eastwick, author of Bonded by Evolution: The New Science of Love and Connection, to challenge some of the most pervasive myths about attraction and compatibility. Do dating app algorithms actually know who's right for you? Are we really all placed in different "leagues"? If you’ve ever wondered whether love is destiny, biology, or something you can actually create, Dr. Eastwick offers a surprising new perspective. Resources mentioned in this episode: Bonded by Evolution: The New Science of Love and Connection “The Pairing Game: A Classroom Demonstration of the Matching Phenomenon” “Matching for Attractiveness in Romantic Partners and Same-Sex Friends: A Meta-Analysis and Theoretical Critique” “The Social Relations Model” “Once More: Is Beauty in the Eye of the Beholder? Relative contributions of private and shared taste to judgments of facial attractiveness” “Sex Differences in Mate Preferences Revisited: Do People Know What They Initially Desire in a Romantic Partner?” “Northwestern Speed-dating Study I” “Northwestern Speed-dating Study II” “The (Mental) Ties That Bind: Cognitive Structures That Predict Relationship Resilience” “We’re Not That Choosy: Emerging Evidence of a Progression Bias in Romantic Relationships” “Romantic Relationship Status Biases Memory of Faces of Attractive Opposite-Sex Others: Evidence from a Reverse-Correlation Paradigm” “Relationship Regulation in the Face of Eye Candy: a Motivated Cognition Framework for Understanding Responses to Attractive Alternatives” “Perceived, not actual, similarity predicts initial attraction in a live romantic context: Evidence from the speed-dating paradigm” “Is Romantic Desire Predictable? Machine Learning Applied to Initial Romantic Attraction” “Love Factually”See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Modern dating can feel exhausting. On one hand, there’s the seemingly endless swiping that leads to dating app burnout; on the other, there’s what can feel like the insurmountable challenge of meeting someone in real life. But what if finding love is less about fate — and more about strategy? Dr. Laurie sits down with behavioral scientist and dating coach Tim Molnar, author of Date Smarter: A Strategic Guide to Navigating Modern Romance, to explore what the research really says about how to meet the right person, build genuine connection, and avoid common dating mistakes. Resources mentioned in this episode: Date Smarter: A Strategic Guide to Navigating Modern Romance “Receptivity to Sexual Invitations from Strangers of the Opposite Gender” How to Bounce Back from Life’s Curveballs (with Dr. Maya Shankar) “Computations of Uncertainty Mediate Acute Stress Responses in Humans” “Implementation Intentions and Goal Achievement: A Meta-Analysis of Effects and Processes”  “Forbes Health Survey: 78% Of All Users Report Dating App Burnout” “Foot-in-the-Door Technique Using a Courtship Request” “Getting Beyond Small Talk: Study Finds People Enjoy Deep Conversations with Strangers” “Grammar Is Super Important to Online Dating Sites, So Try to Speak English Good” “ Swipe-based dating applications use and its association with mental health outcomes: a cross-sectional study” (00:02:17) Date Smarter: A Strategic Guide to Navigating Modern RomanceSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Most of us have people in our lives who love us — partners, friends, family — yet many of us still don’t feel as loved as we want to. Why is there such a gap between being loved and feeling loved? And what can we actually do about it? Dr. Laurie sits down with social psychologists Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky and Dr. Harry Reis, co-authors of How to Feel Loved, to unpack the science behind this disconnect. They explain why feeling loved so often eludes us — even in close relationships — and share research-backed insights that can help us change the conversation, strengthen our connections, and feel more loved both now and in the relationships we build in the future. Resources mentioned in this episode: How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most "Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community" "Social Ties and Susceptibility to the Common Cold" "Toward Understanding Understanding: The Importance of Feeling Understood in Relationships" "How to Get Through Hard Times: Principals' Listening Buffers Teachers' Stress on Turnover Intention and Promotes Organizational Citizenship Behavior" How to Win Friends and Influence People How to Win Friends and Influence People for Teen Girls "Self-Expansion Theory: Origins, Current Evidence, and Future Horizons" "Do Unto Others or Treat Yourself? The Effects of Prosocial and Self-Focused Behavior on Psychological Flourishing" "Everyday Prosociality in the Workplace: The Reinforcing Benefits of Giving, Getting, and Glimpsing" "Kindness Counts: Prompting Prosocial Behavior in Preadolescents Boosts Peer Acceptance and Well-Being" "The Genomic Impact of Kindness to Self vs. Others: A Randomized Controlled Trial"See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What does it mean to live a meaningful life? How do you find direction when you feel stuck or you’re unsure about your purpose? Dave Evans and Bill Burnett, co-founders of the Stanford Life Design Lab and authors of How to Live a Meaningful Life join Dr. Laurie to challenge our assumptions about where meaning really comes from. They share practical strategies from the world of design thinking to create a more purposeful and fulfilling life while making the most of your current circumstances. Resources mentioned in this episode: Designing Your Life: How to Build a Well-Lived, Joyful Life How to Live a Meaningful Life: Using Design Thinking to Unlock Purpose, Joy, and Flow Every Day Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are "Overly Shallow?: Miscalibrated Expectations Create a Barrier to Deeper Conversation"See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.