Ep. 98 - 7 Ways You're Controlling Him and Calling It Support

If you've decided to stay, to give him one more chance, to set that boundary, and then the second he relapsed or lied again you heard yourself say, "I knew it. I made the wrong choice," you're not alone. Betrayal washes away your self-trust. You go back and forth for months, you ask God a hundred times, and every decision starts to feel paralyzing.But here's the truth: his choices don't get to decide whether yours was right. I'm sharing the trap your brain falls into every time you look back on a decision, the moment I caught myself doing the exact same thing as a brand-new coach, and the simple way I know a decision was right no matter how it turns out. What if you could stop second-guessing yourself and finally trust you again?https://thechristianbetrayalcoach.com/feelpeace?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=ep-103&utm_content=feelpeace

If you've tried therapy, filters, daily check-ins, and every podcast out there, and you're still spinning your wheels, I've been exactly where you are. When I found out about my husband's porn problem, I gave him three months to get over it. I checked his filters every single day and basically dragged him through his recovery. A year later I was miserable, paranoid, and didn't recognize myself.In this short episode, I'm sharing the turning point that finally made healing click for me, and why so many women are still struggling even after their husband is doing better. I'm going live this Thursday to teach you that exact approach, one that fits into less than 10 minutes a day. There's no public replay, so come live. Everyone who joins gets my couples course free.Free live class - Thursday, October 8th at 12:30pm ET: https://thechristianbetrayalcoach.com/healnow?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=ep-102&utm_content=healnow

If you've read every blog post, sat through months of couples therapy, and still can't stop checking his phone at night, you're not broken and you're not doing it wrong. A year ago, a woman I worked with was ready to pack a bag for her mom's house. She was asking her husband a thousand questions and even checking the church iPad. Last week she sent me a message that gave me chills.I'm reading you her message word for word, then walking through the four things almost every woman tries first. They're the same four I tried for years, and each one quietly keeps you stuck. Then I'll share what actually changed for her. Healing like this isn't reserved for special women, and it doesn't have to take three years. It can start exactly where you are.https://thechristianbetrayalcoach.com/healnow?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=ep-101&utm_content=healnow

For our 100th episode I brought on my husband, Matt. You've heard me tell our story a hundred times; you've almost never heard him tell it. This podcast started in 2021 as the two of us, talking openly about his pornography use and my betrayal for the first time, back when we had all the passion in the world and not one framework.You'll hear what we believed then that we don't believe now, what we got wrong about healing as a couple, and the hardest part of doing this work in public since 2021. And you'll hear why we're still doing it. Thank you for being here. A hundred episodes is as much yours as it is ours.https://thechristianbetrayalcoach.com/feelpeace?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=ep-100&utm_content=feelpeace

If you've asked yourself a hundred times why he says he'll stop and then doesn't — filters on his phone, check-ins every week, a promise after every relapse — and none of it holds, you're not crazy and he isn't just weak. In eight years, multiple therapists, couples counseling, and every class andbook I could get my hands on, nobody ever explained this to me the way I'm going to explain it to you today.Porn isn't actually his problem. There's something underneath it that no one is treating, and once you can see it, you're going to see the uncomfortable part too — the exact same thing is running underneath your checking, your spiraling, and your blaming. You can't heal his. He can't heal yours. But youcan finally stop pouring all your energy into the wrong problem.Free training - learn my 3 proven steps to heal from betrayal: https://thechristianbetrayalcoach.com/feelpeace?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=ep-99&utm_content=feelpeace

If you're the one checking his phone, running the weekly check-ins, and keeping track of whether he made it to his meeting — you probably don't call that controlling. You call it supporting him. I did too. For years I was the filters, the check-ins, the accountability partner, the wife who wouldn't leave the house so he'd never be home alone. And I genuinely believed I was being a good wife.I wasn't. It was fear in the driver's seat, and he could feel it — which is exactly why none of it was working. In this episode I'm walking through the 7 things I stopped doing, including the one that finally got my husband to take full ownership of his own recovery. None of this means excusing him. It means putting down a job that was never yours to carry.Doors to Becoming Whole After Betrayal close Monday, August 17th — this is your last chance to join: https://thechristianbetrayalcoach.com/becoming-whole-after-betrayal?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=ep-98&utm_content=becoming-whole-after-betrayal

If you're constantly checking his phone, jumping straight to couples therapy, or believing that if you just pray hard enough everything will magically get better – you might be slapping a band-aid over a gaping wound. Your brain loves these quick fixes because they feel productive and give you the illusion of control. But here's what nobody's telling you: these band-aids are actually making your wound deeper, and you don't even realize you're bleeding out underneathIn this episode, Katie breaks down the most common band-aids she sees women using to "heal" from betrayal – from avoiding all triggers to obsessively supporting your husband's recovery. You'll discover why your brain is so convinced these temporary solutions are working, the real cost of these band-aids, and why spiritual bypassing won't save you. When you learn to recognize which solutions are just covering the wound versus actually healing it, you'll finally stop exhausting yourself with quick fixes and start doing the deep work that creates lasting transformation.https://thechristianbetrayalcoach.com/training?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=ep-97&utm_content=training

Trigger warning: this episode discusses sexual assault.If you're carrying pain from long before your husband's betrayal — something you've never fully untangled — you're not alone, and it doesn't have to stay complicated. In this episode, Katie shares something she's never talked about publicly: an experience with sexual assault on her mission, years before she ever met her husband, that shaped how she saw men and love for a long time.She opens up about how that old trauma got tangled up with her betrayal healing, and the surprising truth she found underneath it all — the same tools that healed her marriage pain healed this too. Whatever you're carrying, old wounds or new ones, there's a way through, and you don't have to figure out which one to heal first. https://thechristianbetrayalcoach.com/becoming-whole-after-betrayal?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=ep-96&utm_content=becoming-whole-after-betrayal

You're supposed to feel like healing only moves in one direction, right? Like once you decide to face your husband's betrayal, it's just up from here. This week I'm telling you the truth: the last few weeks have knocked me flat. My brain has been running wild, telling me I'm failing at everything, and I let it happen. If you've ever felt like you were going backward, you need to hear this.I'm pulling back the curtain on what actually happens when you stop managing your thoughts, why your circumstances can stay exactly the same while everything in your head falls apart, and the one practice that's dragging me back out right now. If you've been telling yourself you'll figure it out on your own, that you shouldn't need help for this, this episode is your permission to stop white-knuckling it alone.Becoming Whole After Betrayalhttps://thechristianbetrayalcoach.com/becoming-whole-after-betrayal?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=ep-95&utm_content=becoming-whole-after-betrayal

If you've been wanting to stop checking his phone, stop spiraling, stop obsessing over his every move — but every time you get close, your brain stops you cold with "that's just being naive" — you're not alone. That fear feels so logical, so protective. But what if it's actually the very thing keeping you stuck in the pain you're desperate to escape? This episode is for you.Katie unpacks what's really underneath that fear of being naive — and it's not what you think. You'll discover the faulty core belief quietly running the show, why letting go of control is actually the opposite of excusing his behavior, and how healing at the root changes everything. Real healing isn't turning a blind eye. It's finally trusting yourself enough to make clear, confident decisions — from peace instead of fear.Stop the Spiral course: https://thechristianbetrayalcoach.com/stopthespiral?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=shownotes&utm_campaign=ep-94&utm_content=stopthespiral