27. Does “Deny Yourself” Mean Your Needs Don’t Matter?

What if the reason you struggle to ask for help isn't pride, but the fear of what might happen when you do? When you've experienced rejection, disappointment, or shame in moments of vulnerability, learning to trust again can feel risky. It's often easier to keep pushing, stay in control, and convince yourself you can handle things alone. But what if real resilience is built in an entirely different way? In this episode of Return to Heart, Todd Wermers and Phil Herndon explore how our relationships, our experiences, and our understanding of God shape our capacity to endure life's difficulties—and why becoming stronger may actually require learning to depend on others. Tin Man provides coaching, mentoring, consulting, and offers guidance to those who want to recover the life they've lost and discover the life they desire, by learning to live from the heart. Learn More: www.tinman.org

How much of your past should your children know? And how do you tell them the truth without giving them more than they're ready to carry? When Todd's teenage daughter discovers that he's shared his story of addiction and recovery on podcasts, he's faced with a difficult parenting question: How do you share the painful parts of your story with your kids? In this episode of Return to Heart, Todd and Phil explore how parents can talk honestly with their children about addiction, trauma, family history, past mistakes, and other difficult experiences. Through their own experiences as fathers, they discuss why timing matters, how to establish healthy boundaries, and why telling the truth doesn't always mean telling every detail. **In this conversation:** - Why your past may be surprising or unsettling to your children - How to know when your kids are ready for difficult conversations - The difference between healthy honesty and oversharing - Why parents need to examine their motives before sharing - How to invite questions without forcing conversations - How to tell your story without dishonoring other family members Our children are part of our stories, but that doesn't mean they need to carry every part of them. Tin Man provides coaching, mentoring, consulting, and offers guidance to those who want to recover the life they've lost and discover the life they desire, by learning to live from the heart. Learn More: www.tinman.org

What if resilience isn't about becoming strong enough to handle everything on your own? We often think of resilience as toughness — the ability to push through, overcome adversity, and keep going no matter what. But what if genuine resilience has less to do with independence and more to do with connection? In this episode of Return to Heart, we explore how relationships, community, and support shape our capacity to navigate life's challenges. We discuss the pressure to be self-sufficient, why asking for help can be difficult, and how meaningful connection can help us face adversity without having to carry everything alone. Tin Man provides coaching, mentoring, consulting, and offers guidance to those who want to recover the life they've lost and discover the life they desire, by learning to live from the heart. Learn More: www.tinman.org

What happens when the body you live in becomes something you're ashamed of? In this episode of Return to Heart, Jeff Schulte and Phil Herndon discover that they carried remarkably similar wounds from opposite sides of body shame. Jeff grew up believing he was too skinny. Phil grew up ashamed of being overweight. Different bodies—but underneath, a remarkably similar message: something is wrong with me. Jeff and Phil explore body image, body dysmorphia, toxic shame, comparison, self-objectification, and the complicated relationship we can develop with our physical bodies. They also examine something deeper: what can the way you see your body actually cost you? From opportunities never pursued to overtraining, self-contempt, and years spent comparing yourself to others, distorted beliefs about our bodies can shape far more than what we see in the mirror. How do we care for our bodies without worshiping them? How do we acknowledge what we see without allowing appearance to define who we are? And how do we begin telling the truth about the person inside the body? In this episode: • How childhood body shame can follow us into adulthood • What body dysmorphia actually means • The connection between body image, identity, and toxic shame • How comparison feeds self-contempt • How parents can talk honestly with children about their bodies • Why we can objectify ourselves without realizing it • The opportunities body shame can cost us • Learning to live honestly in the body you've been given Tin Man provides coaching, mentoring, consulting, and offers guidance to those who want to recover the life they've lost and discover the life they desire, by learning to live from the heart. Learn More: www.tinman.org

Work can be meaningful, productive, and deeply fulfilling. But what happens when work becomes the place where you find your identity, escape difficult relationships, or prove that you are worthy of being loved? In this episode of Return to Heart, Jeff Schulte and Phil Herndon explore the emotional roots of workaholism and performance addiction. They discuss how achievement can provide powerful feelings of affirmation, attachment, control, and relief—and why those rewards can make overworking feel almost impossible to surrender. They also examine the difference between healthy, God-given work and using work to avoid the vulnerable relationships where genuine connection, rupture, repair, and intimacy are formed. Work is a gift. But it was never intended to carry the weight of your identity, or replace the people you were created to love. Tin Man provides coaching, mentoring, consulting, and offers guidance to those who want to recover the life they've lost and discover the life they desire, by learning to live from the heart. Learn More: www.tinman.org

What if taking care of yourself isn't selfish—but necessary? In this episode of Return to Heart, Jeff Schulte and Phil Herndon continue their conversation about what it means to be needy humans who are learning to live honestly before God and with one another. They explore the difference between genuine self-care and escape, why our attempts to rest can sometimes become ways of numbing ourselves, and why real replenishment doesn't always feel good in the moment. Tin Man provides coaching, mentoring, consulting, and offers guidance to those who want to recover the life they've lost and discover the life they desire, by learning to live from the heart. Learn More: www.tinman.org

What does Jesus actually mean when He says to us “deny yourself”? For many Christians, that phrase can quietly become something much harsher: My needs don't matter. Wanting to flourish is selfish. Taking care of myself is ungodly. Everyone else should always come first. Jeff Schulte and Phil Herndon unpack what “deny yourself” actually means—and why denying your ego may be very different from denying your humanity. Tin Man provides coaching, mentoring, consulting, and offers guidance to those who want to recover the life they've lost and discover the life they desire, by learning to live from the heart. Learn More: www.tinman.org

Have you ever wondered why certain people stay with you—even long after they're gone? Or why a simple object can instantly bring back powerful memories and emotions? In Part 2 of this conversation, Jeff Schulte and Phil Herndon build on last episode's discussion about sentimental objects by exploring the deeper truth behind them: it's never really about the object—it's about the relationships they represent. Through Scripture, neuroscience, and personal stories, they unpack why God instructed Israel to build memorial stones, how healthy attachment shapes our lives, and why we were created to carry meaningful relationships with us. In this episode: • Why God told Israel to build memorial stones in Joshua 4 • How memories, emotions, and relationships become deeply connected • The neuroscience of "brain synchrony" and why we never truly walk alone • Why keepsakes matter—and when it's healthy to let them go• How attachment helps us flourish in our relationships with God and others Tin Man provides coaching, mentoring, consulting, and offers guidance to those who want to recover the life they've lost and discover the life they desire, by learning to live from the heart. Learn More: www.tinman.org

Why is it so hard to throw certain things away? Sometimes it isn't about the object at all—it's about the relationship it represents. In Episode 25 of Return to Heart, Jeff Schulte and Phil Herndon explore why keepsakes, heirlooms, gifts, and even a weighted vest can carry profound emotional meaning. They unpack the psychology of attachment, grief, memory, and connection while showing how ordinary objects can reveal extraordinary truths about our hearts.In this episode: • Why sentimental objects become emotionally significant • The difference between healthy attachment and unhealthy hoarding • How grief, memory, and relationships shape what we keep • What physical objects reveal about our emotional lives and our relationship with God Timestamps Tin Man provides coaching, mentoring, consulting, and offers guidance to those who want to recover the life they've lost and discover the life they desire, by learning to live from the heart. Learn More: www.tinman.org

Sex addiction is rarely just about sex.In this conversation, Phil and Jeff are joined by Greg Oliver, co-founder of Awaken Recovery, to unpack what addiction really is, why pornography is more powerful than many people realize, and why lasting healing never comes through willpower alone.They explore the neuroscience of addiction, the role of shame, the importance of emotions, why intimacy is so much bigger than sex, and why genuine connection is one of the greatest antidotes to compulsive behavior.Whether you're struggling personally, walking alongside someone who is, or simply trying to understand how healing actually works, this conversation offers both honesty and hope.In this episode:What sex addiction really isWhy pornography rewires the brainThe connection between shame and addictionWhy intimacy is more than sexThe role of community in recoveryWhy confession brings healingHelping the next generation navigate pornographyHow parents can become "transitional characters" who break generational cyclesIf this conversation resonates with you, don't stay isolated. Healing begins when we stop carrying our struggles alone.