Episode 204- Appreciating Your Spouse

Are you so busy doing good things that you're neglecting the most important things in your marriage? In this episode of More Than Roommates, we discuss why couples become overly busy, how to recognize when your schedule is hurting your marriage, and practical ways to make Spirit-led decisions about what deserves your yes and your no.Discussion questions:- When you look at our current schedule, do you think we're too busy? Why or why not?- What are some things we've said yes to that have unintentionally caused us to say no to each other?- Which of the four reasons for busyness—people-pleasing, identity, comparison, or avoidance—do you think most affects us?- Are we currently in a particularly full season, or has busyness become our lifestyle?- What do you believe God is specifically calling us to prioritize in this season of marriage?- What's one commitment we could remove from our schedule to create more margin for our marriage?- How can we do a better job making decisions together before committing our family to something?- What would it look like for us to be more prayerful and Spirit-led with our calendar?

Is the grass really greener on the other side, or is it greener where you water it? In this episode of More Than Roommates, Scott, Derek, and Gabrielle discuss the dangers of comparison and discontentment in marriage. They also share practical ways to cultivate a thriving relationship through intentional investment, prayer, gratitude, and healthy boundaries.Discussion Questions:- In what areas of our marriage are we most tempted to compare ourselves to other couples?- What are some things about our marriage that we're grateful for but don't express often enough?- Are there any "weeds" in our marriage—unresolved conflicts, frustrations, or habits—that we've allowed to grow instead of addressing them quickly?- What is one practical way we could better pursue each other and make our marriage more enjoyable?- Are there any boundaries we need to establish or strengthen to better protect our marriage?- Who is a couple whose marriage we admire, and what could we learn from them?

It's easy to get so busy with work, kids, and everyday responsibilities that we stop noticing the person right beside us. In this episode of More Than Roommates, Derek, Gabrielle, and Scott discuss how to stop taking your spouse for granted, cultivate a heart of appreciation, and intentionally make your spouse feel seen and valued by slowing down, speaking encouragement, learning their unique needs, and remembering that we are ultimately seen and loved by God.Discussion Questions1. Feeling seen: When do you feel most seen and appreciated by me? When do you feel overlooked?2. Taking each other for granted: What are some things you do regularly for our family that I might have stopped noticing or thanking you for?3. Busyness: What tends to distract us from genuinely paying attention to one another? Is there anything we need to slow down or change?4. Specific appreciation: What are three specific qualities or actions in your spouse that you are grateful for but don't say often enough?5. Your spouse's dialect: What makes you feel most appreciated? A thoughtful note, verbal encouragement, public praise, practical help, or something else? Are there nuances I may be missing?6. Spiritual foundation: Are we asking our spouse to provide all our security, affirmation, and satisfaction? How can we better root our identity in God's love while still caring for each other's needs?

Can a marriage truly recover from betrayal? In this episode Matthew and Joanna RaabSmith share their personal journey through pornography addiction, secrecy, broken trust, and the difficult but beautiful process of rebuilding their marriage. They explain why honesty, emotional safety, individual healing, and a willingness to seek help are essential to restoring intimacy and how God can use even our most painful stories to bring healing, purpose, and hope.https://raabsmithteam.com/Discussion Questions1. Honesty: Is there anything we have been avoiding talking about because we are afraid of how the other person might respond? How can we make honesty safer in our marriage?2. Trust and safety: What specific behaviors help each of us feel emotionally safe, valued, and secure? Are there ways we could become more consistent and reliable?3. Secrets and shame: Why can it be so difficult to bring our struggles into the light? What role should confession, accountability, and Christian community play in our marriage?4. Personal responsibility: When we experience conflict, do we tend to blame each other, become defensive, or take responsibility for our own part?5. Intimacy: How comfortable are we talking openly about our emotional and physical intimacy? What makes these conversations difficult, and what would help us approach them with greater care?6. Healing: Are there individual struggles, past wounds, or unhealthy patterns that we need to address rather than expecting our marriage to solve them?7. Seeking help: If our marriage entered a difficult season, who would we turn to for wise counsel and support? Is there a step we should take now rather than waiting for a crisis?

Talking about sex can feel awkward, but avoiding the conversation can keep couples from experiencing deeper intimacy, understanding, pleasure, and joy. In this episode, Derek, Andrew, and Gabrielle discuss how to communicate about sex both inside and outside the bedroom, how to talk about expectations and frustrations with humility, how past experiences can affect intimacy, and how couples can create a safe environment where sex communication can be had openly.DISCUSSION QUESTIONSWhat is one thing you love about our sexual relationship?What is one thing that would help you feel more loved, desired, or connected?What is one thing I could do differently to serve you better?Are there things we have never talked about because we feel embarrassed, awkward, or afraid of how the other person will respond?Are there any expectations we have about frequency, initiation, affection, or intimacy that we haven't clearly communicated?What helps you feel emotionally connected to me outside of the bedroom?Is there anything about our sexual relationship that causes frustration, pain, or disconnection that we need to talk about?How can we make our sexual conversations more characterized by humility, patience, humor, and grace?

Social media can be a great tool, but it can also quietly fuel comparison, insecurity, resentment, and unrealistic expectations in our marriages. In this episode, we talk about guarding our hearts, being intentional about who and what we follow, setting healthy boundaries, and learning to appreciate our own marriage rather than be infatuated by what we see on social media. Discussion Questions- Is there anything you regularly consume that leaves you feeling discontent with our marriage or our life?- Who or what do you follow that genuinely helps you love Jesus and your spouse better?- Are there accounts we should mute, unfollow, or block because of how they affect us?- What boundaries around social media would help protect our marriage?- Are there certain times or places where we should agree not to use our phones?- Do we feel completely comfortable with each other seeing what we consume and who we communicate with online?- How can we use social media to encourage others rather than simply consume content?- What's one thing we could do together this week instead of spending that time scrolling?

For episode 200, the More Than Roommates team looks back on nearly four years of conversations, favorite memories, lessons learned, and the ways God has used the podcast to impact marriages. As they look ahead, they share their hopes for the future of More Than Roommates and remind couples that marriage isn't about settling for good enough, but continually pursuing Jesus, growing together, and becoming more than roommates.Discussion Questions- What have you learned about marriage in the last year that you wish you had understood earlier?- Where have you found yourself settling for “good enough” in your marriage?- When conflict happens, are you more likely to defend yourself or humble yourself and pursue connection?- What is one thing you've learned from this podcast or another marriage resource that you've actually put into practice?- What would it look like for your marriage to experience “more” of Jesus, more enjoyment, and more purpose together?

Jealousy can show up in marriage through insecurity, comparison, past experiences, or even legitimate concerns about trust and boundaries. In this episode, Derek, Andrew, and Gabrielle talk honestly about where jealousy comes from, how to distinguish between facts and the stories we create in our minds, and how to build greater security through communication, healthy boundaries, reassurance, and finding our identity in Christ.DISCUSSION QUESTIONSWhen does jealousy tend to show up most often in our marriage?When I feel jealous, what fear or insecurity might be underneath it?What is something I have recently treated as a fact that may actually have been a story I created in my head?Are there any behaviors or boundaries in our marriage that would help each of us feel more secure?Are there any past experiences or family-of-origin issues that affect the way I respond to jealousy today?How can we become more secure in Christ rather than asking our spouse to be our ultimate source of security?What is one practical boundary we could agree on together to protect our marriage?

Derek, Gabrielle, and Scott tackle a listener question: how do you tell your spouse what you need when it might feel selfish, even though it's genuine? They dig into the difference between needs and wants, why timing and tone matter as much as the ask itself, and how humility on both sides changes the whole conversation.DISCUSSION QUESTIONS- The episode draws a line between a "need" and a "want", with a maybe a third category of "desire" in between. Where do you two tend to disagree on that line? Can you each name one current desire that you haven't clearly voiced yet?- Gabrielle shared that when Cooper expressed a need, her first instinct was to interpret it as "I'm failing him." Do you ever hear a request from your spouse and translate it into criticism? What would it look like to take the request at face value instead?- Philippians 2:3-4 was used to reframe the question from "how do I get my needs met" to "how do I meet my spouse's needs first." Practically, what's one need of your spouse's you could intentionally meet this week without being asked?- Where do you expect your spouse to just "know" something instead of communicating it directly?

Warning, these takes are for fun and intentionally provocative! Listen and debate with us as Derek, Gabrielle, and Scott debate some controversial marriage hot takes, from separate beds and changing your last name to birthdays, sexual intimacy, date nights, prayer before marriage, and whether a healthy marriage is really 50/50.Discussion Questions- Which of the hot takes from this episode did you agree or disagree with most and why?- Do you have any hot takes?- Do you ever find yourself keeping score in marriage? Where?- How comfortable are we talking openly about sex and sexual intimacy? Why or why not?- What helps each of us feel more emotionally and physically connected before intimacy?- How important are birthdays and anniversaries to each of us? Do we communicate those expectations?