Melrose Place 'Cast Investigates: Matt's Hot, Doug's Not

In this special mini-sode to round out September (don't judge us this show is getting difficult to keep up with) - we are joined by our all-star special guest Christopher to discuss some erotic art he created and why Teege finds Matt Fielding *so hot* but Doug Savaant *so not*.

Official court proceedings, Arby's, MTG, Laura Loomer, all wrapped up in one episode!

WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST - CHRISTOPHER FROM MELROSE SHELTERING IN PLACE PODCAST!And, just like that, Jane's gone? For some reason the writers wanted to put Jane through hell to justify to the audience that she was leaving. But, like, did we need to be convinced to be okay with this turn of events? Sydney set it all up, and now owns the Boutique.Sam and Billy are in that gross phase of a relationship where everything is perfect whereas Matt and Dan are in the exact opposite phase.Peter is trying to re-win Amanda's trust, and it's been a minute for us so we had to remind ourselves what their issue was.The Kimberly storyline is taking it's time, and Michael gets married again! So, let the record show, season five, episode fifteen, was likely the only episode to feature four Mrs. Mancinis.

George Washington famously stepped down from power and warned a young nation against dangerous alliances.Jo Reynolds did the same, only with more denim and a stolen baby who was breastfed by Kimberly Shaw.In this gripping farewell, Jo says goodbye to Melrose Place, and sanity itself, with a heartfelt address about betrayal, kidnapping, and rocking chairs that still haunt her dreams.May God bless you. And may Kimberly never lactate in your direction.

Oh, I get it now, Peter's an accidental doctor because he did a surprise tracheotomy or whatever that word is. Thus ends the Peter paralyzed by fear storyline. This should help his relationship with Amanda.Matt and Dan take a dark turn as Dan punches Matt in the face in a scene that was oddly steamy, not because of the violence but because of Matt's fierceness.Jane. Ugh, whatever.Jake and Alison are having marriage talk, soft launching the idea.Sam and Billy are hooking up. Sydney is selling art and landing herself with Carter. Craig is this quickly a peripheral character. Willing to bet that changes soon.Kimberly is getting the divorce, and making sure Megan and Michael get married. But, Michael is getting suspicious.

Barack Obama united a nation with three simple words: Yes We Can.Rhonda Blair divided a dinner party with one simple action: bringing pasta and accidentally revealing Jane’s attempted abortion.In this episode, we honor President Obama’s call to hope and possibility, then pivot to Rhonda’s call to never, ever boil water without understanding the consequences.It’s not just a kitchen. It’s a cautionary tale.Yes We Can… but should we have?

Well, we can only assume that the episode title writer was on vacation or got involved with Kimberly Shaw because there's no clear indication what this title had to do with the episode.Taylor continues as though she was written as two characters - being oddly obsessive with Peter but normal in all other cases.Kimberly is going to unalive herself joyfully.They did it again - turned Jane's story line, which was the main plot for the week, boring.Sydney brings a little spice, both to Jane and mommy and Samantha and Kyle, but largely, this week was rough.

In 1851, Sojourner Truth delivered a soul-shaking speech demanding that women, especially Black women, be seen, heard, and honored.In Season 3 of Melrose Place, Alison Parker delivered a similar plea… when she skipped an entire week of work to cry about a voicemail from Billy.This episode explores the historic intersections of abolitionist feminism and workplace flakiness, culminating in a passionate monologue about blackouts, breakups, and being just barely employed.Ain’t I a Creative Director?

Is this title Shakespearean dumb or just dumb? Either way, Jane is desperately seeking mommy, using a whole lot of insensitive terminology about whether Sydney is her "real" sister or how she can find her "real" mother. Teege tees up on this bullshit.Kimberly continues her weird separation game with Michael, for the benefit of Michael. As a reminder, she hired a prostitute to entertain Michael while she was in her sexless era, but then elevated the arrangement to marriage when she got a terminal diagnosis.Sam, Billy, and Craig are all up in this really weird love triangle, where we are to believe that Sam is offended that people think she's sleeping with Craig. Is that what the 90s were like? For the record, you can start a rumor that we are sleeping with Craig. Separately, of course, because we are classy ladies.Amanda, Peter, Kyle, and Taylor continue their skulldruggery. I get that they're trying to recycle the old tropes in new ways, but this added element of the long-dead sister-wife is weird, even for Melrose Place.

In the first of a new approach, we took robot remix, and asked it to guide Mary through a series of gutwrenching choices.Did robot misunderstand the phrase "robot remix" and make this all sci fi supernatural high tech matrix-y?Yes.We'll fix it next time.