Episode 444 - The Difference Between Being Wanted and Being Loved

The holidays are supposed to bring us closer, and a lot of couples still know a fight is coming somewhere between Thanksgiving and New Year's. This episode walks through the fights that show up again and again, from in-laws and whose family gets Christmas Eve to the mental load, money, and colliding traditions. It spends the most time on sex: what happens when you're sleeping in his old bedroom with his parents on the other side of the wall, or sharing a hotel room with the kids. Using differentiation, the episode shows how to hold onto yourself and stay connected to your spouse and your family at the same time. Listen together and make a plan for before, during, and after the holidays.

Many husbands believe that because they're married, sex should happen when they want it, and that they've been wronged when it doesn't. In this episode, Amanda looks at where that belief comes from, the subtle ways it shows up after a "no," and why threats and pressure end up getting husbands less of the sex they want. Through one couple's journey from ultimatums to repair, she explores what it takes to stop feeling owed and start being chosen. She also offers guidance for wives living with a husband's entitlement and for husbands whose wives won't talk about it. If you've ever wondered whether sex is an obligation in marriage, this conversation is for you.

Most couples can describe exactly what is wrong with their sex life. Ask them what they want instead, and the room goes quiet. This episode lays out what a healthy sexual relationship actually looks like, starting with six principles of sexual health as the bare minimum and then going well past them. You will hear why one-sided sex quietly wears a marriage down, what a real yes sounds like, why saying no should never cost you anything, and why being known by your spouse matters more than any technique. If nobody ever gave you a picture of what you are building toward, this episode gives you one.

The spouse who wants sex more often tends to believe that all of the effort, the helping, the compliments, the constant attentiveness, is love. Usually it isn't. In this episode I talk about the difference between wanting someone to love you and actually loving them, and why those two things feel identical from the inside. We look at what a transaction can and cannot buy in a marriage, the anxiety underneath all that pursuit, and what love actually looks like on an ordinary day. There is something here for the spouse who has been doing the pursuing and for the one who has been on the receiving end of it.

Most of us were handed the same story about men and sex, that it is mostly about physical release and not much else. When researchers stopped assuming and actually asked men what drives their desire, the answers came back looking very different from the stereotype. In this episode I walk through what that research found, why so many men have never said any of it out loud, and what it costs a marriage when a wife decides she is interchangeable. I also spend time on the part that gets lost in this conversation, that wanting your body and wanting you are not the same thing, and that the physical was never the problem. If you have ever assumed you already knew why your husband reaches for you, this one is for you. Here is the interest form for a potential Men's Group Coaching Membership with Amanda: https://airtable.com/appAch4uB19x84ZKZ/paggqDY8FxrLKaFgM/form

Most of us keep score in our marriages without ever calling it that. We track who got up with the baby, who apologized first, how many times we reached over and got turned down. It starts as a way to get something to change, and it ends up making sure nothing does. In this episode I talk about what scorekeeping actually is, what it looks like around the house and in the bedroom, and why your count is almost always wrong. We look at the research on why you cannot see most of what your spouse contributes, how confirmation bias keeps a wrong count feeling accurate, the two places resentment comes from, and the over functioning and under functioning pattern sitting underneath a lot of this. Then we talk about what it takes to move a marriage back from transactional to an equal partnership.

The men in my comments say the same thing over and over. She was one way before the wedding and another way after, and they feel like they were sold something that never got delivered. Women tell me the same thing from the other direction. He wanted to know everything about her before marriage, and now the only time he comes looking for her is when he wants sex. Both of them believe they got the bait and switch, and both of them are partly right. In this episode we look at what actually changed, which is not the people and not the facts, but the meanings underneath them. The way out is not deciding who lied. It is getting curious about what all of this means to the person you married. Get the worksheet at: www.amandalouder.com/podcast/441/

Somewhere along the way, a lot of married couples stop really kissing. It turns into a quick peck at the door, or it only shows up as the first step toward sex. And the spouse who misses it usually decides that means something about whether they are still wanted, which is almost never what is actually going on. In this episode I get into why kissing disappears from a marriage, what the research says about how men and women experience it differently, and what it takes to get it back. I also say the thing nobody wants me to say about why your spouse might be keeping it short. Here is the worksheet for this episode.

Most couples who come to me have already tried. They have read the books, taken the courses, sat with a therapist, and walked out with a plan they both believed in. And it worked, for a few weeks, maybe a few months, before everything slid back to exactly where it was. In this episode I use an iceberg model I heard Brene Brown describe to explain why that keeps happening. The problem you can see is only the tip. Through the story of one couple who made the same plan five separate times, I walk down all four layers and show why the changes you make never last, and what actually has to shift for them to hold. The Iceberg Under Your Marriage Graphic

Many conversations about improving your sex life focus on what men can do differently. But there's another side that rarely gets talked about: women who can't receive. In this episode, Amanda breaks down two distinct patterns — the wife who checks out and endures, and the wife who keeps redirecting everything back to her husband — exploring why each happens, where the need for control comes from, and what it actually takes to change. Whether you're the one struggling to receive or the husband who's stopped trying, this episode offers a way forward. Get the worksheet here