Nicky & AJ Part 1 of 4: When Your Child's Defiance is Confusing

Parents often wonder why their children won’t do what they ask them to do. This often creates conflict and disrespect in the family system. And for the parent, it's very confusing and irritating when you “couldn’t get away with that” when you were a child. In this episode, Nicky and AJ share their concerns, frustrations and fears regarding their 11 year old daughter, Lily.  Lily has had big emotional reactions throughout her life and Nicky and AJ are fearful for her teenage years.  They also admit to their own challenges with emotion regulation. In this episode, we focus on assessing and problem solving Lily's communication as well as managing expectations in the family. We also work on turning conflict into collaboration and respect.Time Stamps4:47 Name your fears and get them out of the way of parenting7:32 Go below the surface of Defiance, anger and meltdowns - you don’t see the anxiety and sensitivity8:00 Metaphor of the iceberg8:48  #1 goal - help you the parents understand what’s happening8:54  #2 goal - give you skill and strategies9:01 Assumption:  She’s doing the best she can at the present time9:58  Shifting perspective from FINDING FAULT—-- TO FINDING UNDERSTANDING16:20 Being misunderstood leads to feeling invalidated and can lead to anger16:56 When Anger helps you to understand your child what’s really going onIt's important to assess if “she can’t or she won’t” distinction when talking18:40  Alexathymia - difficulty expressing feelings  19:42 Metaphor of the flashlight vs turning a light on in the room  to help someone talk21:20 Getting the quiet teen to talkGive her space and timeInvite her to share when she’s readyValidate and give her a moment- this lets her know you are thereUse statements rather than questionsWarning: don’t add the BUTUsing rating scales29:20 Using Defiance, disobedience as a means to understanding what’s going on with your child34:05 Some kids get overwhelmed by the demands of life and helping her managing expectations36:50 A new perspective on defiant behaviors and why that’s parenting “gold”39:43 Why regulating the underlying (primary) problem/emotion is more effective41:25 Practice using PAUSE to regulate your emotionsResources:  Handout on Assessment Scale for Alexathymia Video of how to get someone to open up in a  conversationMetaphor of the IcebergLeslie-ism: We don’t need to find fault, we need to find understandingFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

In this episode, Leslie and special guest Jen Sims, a licensed professional counselor and registered play therapist, talk about the importance of play. Jen explains that play is the language of children, allowing them to express emotions and experiences. She specializes in Non-directive Play Therapy, which involves creating an environment where children can fully engage in play without feeling hurried. Jen emphasizes the principles of empathy, congruence, and unconditional positive regard, and discusses how play therapy can help children heal from trauma, behavioral issues, and other challenges.Time Stamps2:06 Play is the story that kids are writing about themselves2:25 Definition of Play Therapy and the kinds of therapy3:35 Reasons why children may go to therapy5:47 Carl Rogers A person centered therapist:  3 tenets of his therapyEmpathyCongruenceUnconditional Positive Regard5:55 Virginia Axline developed Non-Directive Play Therapy - 8 principles (see show notes for more formal list)6:35 Definition of Unconditional positive regard doesn’t mean I love your behavior..it means I love you7:45 Explaining the non-directive part of non-directive play therapy8:20 Trust the child to move towards healing10:45 Mirroring and attunement is something parents can also do at home to enrich and depend their relationship with their child12:35 Children play in themes15:35 Description of Fiial Play Therapy that parents can do it at home17:15 Explaining the process of attunement20:44 Setting limits around safety and other things requires consistency22:59 Both Parents and children need empathy to feel understood25:31 AutPlay is play therapy specifically designed for Neurodivergent kids28:37 Jen’s advice for parents - 31:35 We can trust children to lead the way with creative solutions towards their own healingResources:  Video of Play as a form of communicationJen Sims Website at the Redwood Center for Children And Families Jen Sims InstagramArticle on Non-directive Play Therapy and The Underlying Principles by Cognitive Behavioral Play TherapyFilial Play TherapyAutPlay Therapy ResourcesRegistration for Leslie’s  NEABPD Webinar on “Defiance, Disrespect and Disobedience: What Is It and What To Do About ITLeslie-ism: Set aside 20 minutes to let your child lead the way in playFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and 

It's not unusual to feel stuck or trapped as a parent. Having options is the antidote to that feeling. You have options for how you think, how you behave, how you deal with emotions. And those options put you in the drivers seat…you get to see and feel the choices you have and you get to choose! This episode is the third and final episode with Jean and Alex who are dealing with their 6 year old daughter’s big emotions. We focus on how to change your mindset and review several coping strategies to help your child. Time Stamps3: 22 Naming the skill - dialectic dilemmas and dialectic synthesis 4:20 The dialectic dilemma is between the child’s needs and the parent’s needs.5:15 Having options is a necessary element in our mental health - Noticing your “choices”7:10 Helping parents helps our children:  realizing that your mood impacts your child’s mood11:50 GIve your child (or anyone) permission to actually have the big emotions13:20 Main dialectic dilemma between Acceptance and ChangeAcceptance often is needed first - it’s more effective to accept the moment before you try to change what’s happeningFirst thing to do: Acknowledge the big emotion. Then move onto solving the problem20:25 A description of three states of mind (illustration of states of mind in show notes)22: 50 Take your time teaching these skills to your child:  repeat it, use different metaphors, say it differently, use different examples25:00 Skills to use to move your child from emotion mind to wise mindAcknowledge that your child is in emotion mind: Name itRate itDistractionFlexible thinking - dialectic thinking with the magic ANDIce pack across your eyes, or face plant into a bowl of cold waterBreathing Exercises (see Link to handout below)Puzzles, activities25:44 Explaining how to move from the sympathetic nervous system to the parasympathetic nervous system to help us regulate31:41 Do you feel different? Is the helpful question34:32 weave the DBT skills and emotional regulation language into your everyday language.36:13 Exposure work can be done as gentle exercises to help your child with uncomfortable situationsStart easy and work you way up to harder situations Mantra:  I’m scared and I can do it anywaySTAY presentHave faith that your child can do itThe goal is not to avoid the problem, the goal is to be reduce your emotion and return to the problemResources:  NEABPD free Webinar presented by Leslie Cohen-Rubury titled “Defiance, Disrespect and Disobedience: What it is and What to do about it.” Click here to registerHandout on Mindfulness Breathing Exercises Video on three states of mind Leslie-ism: When you feel stuck, look for the options (I promise you they are there)For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcas

Parents get exhausted because parenting is exhausting. Parents also can get exhausted because they are in essence tripping over their own feet.  Have you ever thought that your worry thoughts are the thing that is contributing to your exhaustion?  Whether it's your child or yourself, worry makes people uncomfortable. In this episode, we talk about teaching her child to handle discomfort through exposure work.  And when parents practice what they preach, their children are so much more likely to learn those lessons.That’s a parenting gem.  We also focus on how personal vulnerability plays into parenting, how to manage the frustration and how to find solutions through synthesisTime Stamps5:04 Learning to live with someone else is a spiritual practice - the frustration is a given and it teaches us to learn to tolerate differences7:35 A Dialectic Dilemma - I want alone time vs I want to be with you all the timedialectic synthesis (makes a black and white design) vs a compromise (makes grey). See Handout below.Brainstorming your ideas for different syntheses promotes flexible thinking and multiple options17:50 If we meet our child’s need when it's small, we may be able to keep it from escalating20:30: Three strategies for dealing with Kids who want your attentionI’m cooking (expect them to wait)Take a quick break and see what they want to show youConnect to your child before they ASK.  22:04 Take responsibility for your own “frustration or irritation” - Own it, Name it22:47 Be who you are, Accept who you are AND also work on Change!25:08 Radical acceptance the normal frustration25:30 Tolerating Differences is something children can learn when parents are different26:25 Talking about the idea of our children “pushing our buttons” clinically called vulnerabilities and a prompting event for emotional reactions28:23 Beware of blaming and shaming your child if you think your reaction is their fault. 31:15 Children are trying to meet their needs:  Parents can interpret that as manipulation or believing that the child is “powering over you”32:20 Children who ask questions over and over again may need reassurance33:36 Lean into the child’s problematic behavior with curiosity and send it back to the child. Don’t make it about you. Make it about her36:00 The homework assignment of making a list of “I CAN HANDLE IT”  - listing when she had a struggle and how she handled it38:28  Advice for Parents: Try a little less hard.  Trying too hard: making everything a lesson, trying to get it so right.  General Surgeon said Parents are too stressed and its affedcting their mental healthResources:  US General Surgeon’s Advisory Article on “Parents Under Pressure”Embark Behavioral Health Article on All or Nothing Thinking: The Impact of a Black and White MentalityLeslie's Handout on Images of Dialectic SynthesisLeslie-ism: Remember you don’t have buttons that your child pushes, but you do have vulnerabilities. Take a look and recognize those vulnerabilities so your kids don't do it first For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, 

This is the third mini bonus episode that looks at rigid thinking which is quite common in both adults and children.  It often leads to frustration and even conflict within yourself and in your relationships. In this episode, we explain problematic thinking patterns, identify lots of examples and how to catch and change your thinking to help you live more effectively to get what you want and deserve.  Time Stamps1:40 Definition of Rigid thinking and its various names:All or nothing thinkingBlack and white thinkingDichotomous thinking3:01 LImits of Dichotomous thinking - creates conflict because it Limits our ability to take another person’s perspectiveIt often leads to the two categories of right and wrong4:35 There is an impact of your words on both yourself and on others5:04 These are cognitive skills - understanding and observing your thoughts6:20 Label thoughts as “a thought is just a thought” — Planning thoughts, worry thoughts, judgmental thoughts7:50 Society teaches us and reinforces all or nothing and dichotomous thinking8:45 First step is to recognize your thoughtsLook for problematic thinking patterns (formerly known as thinking errors)All or nothing thinkingCatastrophizing or predicting negative outcomesMindreadingOvergeneralizationMental filterDisqualifying the positiveEmotional reasoning - Should statementsLabelingPersonalization12:28 Strategies: Listen to yourself - observe your thoughtsCatch itA thought is just a thoughtDon’t believe everything you thinkImagery of passing clouds13:13 Learn to think dialecticallyAsk what’s missingAdding other perspectives Use the phrase, “its a feeling, not a fact”Use the magic “AND” to make a dialectic statement Change your extreme words (ex - always —> often)See the negatives as well as the positive aspects of a situationResources:  Handout of Problematic Thinking Patterns (formerly called thinking errors)Leslie-ism: When it comes to your problematic thinking pattern - look for it, catch it, and change itFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Children need to feel safe and capable as they venture out into the world. Jean and Alex are parents who came to me for help with their 6 year old daughter’s challenging behavior when she didn’t feel safe or capable. Ellie is a highly sensitive child for whom getting a shot and then taking off the bandaid have turned doctor visits into scary events for both Ellie and her mom.  In this episode we assess the problem and discuss how rigid thinking make these situations so difficult and ultimately what you can do about it. This episode will get you thinking about your own thinking patterns and help you understand the importance of feeling safe and capable in your life or your child’s lifeTime Stamps4:30 The bandaid coming off is not going to be a lifelong issue. It’s the sensitivity that will the lifelong issue 6:05 Anticipatory Anxiety is thinking ahead of what could go wrong6: 25 Problematic thinking patterns: See handout below9:36 Avoidance is a short term solution to a problem of discomfort but not a long term solution11:58 The balance between respect and authority.  Respect her through validationSetting the limit with your authority communicates that she is actually safe13:10 Here’s how to deal with the anxietyFeel the anxiety and do it anywayI am scared AND I can do it anyway. A dialectic statement.  Repeat this over and over again as your child grows17:15 Replace “good and bad” with “is it working and is it not working”18:00 When children have a big emotions there may be an underlying belief,  “I am not safe, I am not capable or I am unloveable”21:25 The learning after an exposure is a critical for growthDrawing pictures- graph sin curveRating scale numbers that go up and down. 23:50 Some children/adults are slow return to baseline after an event28 50 Watch out for the “shoulds”  and the fears 30:00 Make a list of handling-my-discomfort-list even when its a struggle31:05 Using the line “Feelings come and feeling go”34:10 Shaping her behavior so her communication becomes more accurate. Identify social  signaling or inaccurate expressionGive her time to practice and learn these skills35:35 Children who are born more sensitive:  Look at 3 biological markersEmotional sensitivity (low—--------------------high)Emotional reactivity  (low—--------------------high)Emotional recovery   (quick—------------------slow)36:10 Teach your children the difference between rigid thinking vs. flexible thinkingOther interpretations Other possible outcomesDialectic thinking:  Use the magic “AND”Resources:  Handout of Problematic Thinking Patterns and ExamplesLeslie-ism: Shift your thinking by shifting your languageFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie

One of the more common questions parents ask is when do I give in and when do I stand firm.  Todays special guest speaker is an expert on this question. Amy Kalasunas is a board certified Dialectic Behavior Therapist who, among other things, provides interventions for parents of struggling and complex young adults using DBT and SPACE, which stands for Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions.  We talk all about how parents can make an effective decision as to when to accommodate to their child’s big emotions and intense behaviors and when it's not effective.Time Stamps15:05  Six ways that parents accommodateTo avoid the big emotions and the intense behaviorsWhen life goes on. The parent has to deal with their lives as they are and they can’t deal with the consequences of setting a limitParents have their own history - their own childhood experiences which impact their current parenting When parents fear or are simply affected by the social judgmentsWhen not accommodating may lead to self-harming behaviors or Suicidal Ideation19:35 How to decide whether or not to accommodateDo I have the bandwidth?Does my child know that I am going to do thisCan my child do what I am asking?22:25  Explanation of Three States of Mind - wise mind, emotion mind, reasonable mind30:05 SPACE redefines what it means to support your childValidateExpress confidence that they will be okStop talking - Put a period after #2 (kids are master debaters)Resist the urge to solve the problemBe a Broken record34:00  Aim lower:  Slice the salami thinner and set smaller realistic expectationsLeslie-ism:  Check in with yourself about your own bandwidth when dealing with your child.Resources:  Amy Kalasunas Website DIalectic Behavior Therapy Resources DBTSelfHelp.comSupportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions - SPACE WebsiteFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is the second mini bonus episode where we will focus on understanding shame. In this bonus episode we discuss the difference between shame and guilt, the beliefs and myths associated with shame and an effective skill to deal with shame. Shame was present in the third session with Sarah in its many forms.  Our children can feel shame even when we try very hard not to shame them.  As parents we can easily feel shame that we carry from our childhood or trying to do this job called parenting. And this list goes on.Time Stamps1:49 Defining Shame2:22 Identifying some myths that go along with shame“I am not good enough”“I am bad”“People are going to reject me”“I’m broken”2:32 Defining Guilt4:00 Child can internalize shame through interpretations that they are doing 4:45 Overt Shaming - the “should” statements and other judgments 5:55 Myths are mistaken beliefs7:30 When the shame is not justified or is not effective because of the duration of the feeling or the intensity of the feeling7:55 Opposite ActionIdentify the urge to hide which associated with feelingAct opposite to that urge - such as pick up your head, make eye contact, speak the feared item out loudDo it over and over again12:35 Separate the behavior and the interpretations of that behaviorCheck the factsFinding other interpretations Doing opposite actionResources:  MSNBC Video Clip talking about the New Book I Hate MyselfI Hate Myself: Overcoming Self-Hatred and Why You Are Wrong About Yourself By Dr. Blaise Aguirre Blaise,Opposite Action Skill from Dialectic Behavior TherapyArticle on Applying Opposite Action to Guilt and Shame10 Practical Examples of Opposite Action by Laura Schenck, PhDFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Shame is a common emotion but a painful one as well.  In this episode we talk about shame and its many forms.  Children feel shame, parents feel shame and we can unintentionally pass down shame to our children. This is my third and final session with Sarah, a mom of two boys James, 12 yrs old and Noah 15 yrs old. Sarah and her husband are both ex-military and we discuss the impact of military life on mental health and how that impacts the family. It may be surprising to learn that in this episode I also talk sitting with emotions and about “embracing the struggle”. Time Stamps3:43 Learning to sit with mistakes, learning to sit with emotions, learning to sit with discomfort.5:30 Being in the discomfort and in the unknown brings up anxiety5:50 Taking hold of your mind: Definition of Mindfulness6:05 Paced breathing turns off the sympathetic nervous system to the parasympathetic nervous system - exhale twice as long as the inhale8:00 Mindfulness to current emotion skill - DBT skill This feeling is part of me, not all of me11:59 A child who is struggling with their emotions is not “losing”, its living!12:29 Get away from winning and losing language…all behavior is grist for the mill13:13 Embrace the struggles - accept myself first and then change to improve13:57 Trials of medications is tricky16:45 Pay attention to the context - the timing of your child’s challenging behaviorBefore starting a new school most kids get anxious even when they are excitedObserve and Describe or Notice and Name itUse a rating scale about various aspects of the situationAsk “what am I missing?” Look at the timing and the context of the situation21:08 Description of Emotion Mind (DBT skill) also described as a “ring of fire”22:30 Description of Wise Mind where you can begin to problem solving27:15 Distraction is an effective distress tolerance skill but be careful not to use it to avoid your emotions28:30 Walking the middle path29:48 Raising emotionally intelligent boys32:24 - 36:16  Being open about mental health struggles in the family reduces shame37:08 How much information do you share with children?38:03 There is a natural tendency for children to assume that “its their fault” when their parent is upset. Check in with your child!40:26 Explaining that adults are responsible for their own reactions43:12 Parents need to check in with their own shame “am I good enough”46:20 How your actions to be fully involved with your children can have unintended consequences of pushing away your child48:20 description of being an active listener so Children feel UNDERSTOOD49:49 Active listening means taking a non-judgmental stance as resist the urge to be the “fixer”51:00 Clarify the intention of a conversation - do you want to be heard or do you want advice?Leslie-ism: It's never too late to address the roots of your shame.Resources:  Leslie’s Handout on Three States of MindList of Distress Tolerance and Coping SkillsRichard Reeves: author of 2022 book “Of Boys and Men: Why the modern male is struggling, why it matters, and what to do about itEmotionally available boys - best of the men and boys are not alright Ezra Klien - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/best-of-the-men-and-boys-are-not-alright/id1548604447?i=1000666761830&

Kids are not the only ones who are controlling and trying to get what they want. As parents we do the same thing.  We really want what we want and we act in controlling ways to achieve those ends. This is the second session with Sarah, mother of 2 boys, 12 year old James and 15 year old Noah where we explore topics, including when one sibling tries to parent the other, when children feel responsible for their parents’ emotions, how to let our kids make mistakes and how to be a less controlling parent. Time Stamps4:55  Words with strong negative connotation - Negotiation, control and dictating - 5:35 reframed as giving our child personal power with a voice and agency.  This is respect if you change your perspective 6:15 Finding the middle ground vs Finding a synthesis7:04 When your child likes to negotiate…let them have the last word7:10-13:40  Role play - A one way conversation vs a two way conversationOne way conversation works when the child is likely to be dysregulatedTwo way conversation works when we both want to share our ideas and perspectives13:32 Sometimes we need to accept that our child is going to have their big emotions15:50 Validation and reflect back and appreciate the positive in your child’s behaviorParents often miss when a child is being respectful19:35 When the child worries about disappointing the parent and acts like a “good kid” to prevent you from getting upset. This is how a child tries to take care of the parent21:40 Children often worry more about their parents being upset than the sibling being dysregulated22:14 Assume that your child may be carrying a burden and ask them directly if that may be true 24: 50 Role play with validation27:08 When someone escalates, they probably feel invalidated. Validate in order de-escalate the child’s emotions28:15  Keep it short and sweet.  Say LESS - listen twice as much as we speak32:00 If you say or do something that you are not happy with, own it. Own your own reactions and ask for a redo33:59 The antidote to controlling your child is to practice acceptance of the moment35:49 Sarah’s own advice “in the uncomfortable is where we learn36:11 Learning to be less controlling is letting your our children make mistakes or have their feelingsResources:  Leslei’s Handout on a Dialectic SynthesisLeslie’s Video on Listening to Your Own AdviceLeslie-ism: “In the uncomfortable is where we learn” by SarahFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support