Failed Parenting at Christmas
Find me, Imperfectly Pollyanna, over on Facebook, Instagram, or send an email to [email protected] (say hi, share any prayer requests, ask questions, I would love to hear from you!)When I was growing up, our church choir always put on some sort of Christmas play, musical, presentation, what-have-you. There was one we did multiple times and I don’t remember the name of the whole thing but I DO remember a specific song that was in it and it inevitably runs through my mind every single time this time of the year. It says something to the affect of “there’s only 3 days left til Christmas, and while the family’s havin’ fun buying present galore at their favorite store, I’m home wrapping every one.” It talks about she’s cleaning, and shopping, and wrapping, baking, doing everything for everyone, completely stressed out, all while her husband and kids are enjoying the season. By the end, she’s screaming and losing her mind. It was always a hit performance that received belly laughs from everyone.Of course, I was a kid then, so I thought it was funny just because the song lyrics were silly and the lady who sang it was SO great at it. As an adult, especially a parent, I now realize that song speaks to a lot of us this time of year! Sure, there are parents out there who are relaxed, enjoying every moment with their family, follow the rules of 4 with giving gifts – you know, something to read, something to wear, something wanted, and something needed. I love that. I really do. And I applaud those who do it without hesitation. I DO sometimes think those parents are unicorns, but I probably would find them judging me and my messy house, piles of laundry, and dog hair loving the furniture. Then again, that’s me pre-judging them, isn’t it?I’m saying all of this because I could easily give you a typical Christmas-related episode that includes those phrases of remembering the reason for the season…and it’s not about giving your kids everything they want…or it’s not the things but the moments they’ll remember. I COULD say all of those things and I wouldn’t be wrong in doing so because they are all the truth. They all matter. But honestly, I still struggle with not buying my kids all the things! Not because I think they NEED them, but because I genuinely LOVE to gift them things I know they need or want or would really enjoy. They know that when making their wish list it is simply that, a WISH list. We have emphasized it’s fun to look through catalogs, find things that look fun, even think up ideas of items that would be cool to have – not knowing if they actually exist, and then putting it all on their list, all the while knowing they may not get those things. My kids make me so happy just having them in my life. There was a time when I didn’t think I would ever have that ability. The ability to be a mom and raise my children. I enjoy finding little things throughout the year that make me think of them that I think they’d like. Sometimes these are toys but other times it is crafts or something like that that we can do together for fun. When it comes to Christmas, I think about the things that stick out to me that I enjoy. Either now or as a kid. Most of those things are one in the same. Driving around looking at lights, drinking hot cocoa, watching White Christmas and It’s a Wonderful Life, going to our church’s Christmas Eve Candlelight service. Then there’s the tradition of new Christmas pajamas – something I totally failed at this year because my son now has so much muscle that the size was too small for him, haha. Oh well, he still appreciated them. There’s the trimming of the tree while we play Christmas music, putting out the nativity set, hanging the stockings…so much fun. They’re still happily writing letters to Santa – even if just to entertain me. I love seeing their faces light up Christmas morning as they open up each gift with thankfulness. Their excitement over watching their sibling open a gift from them. And yet, it’s always the last few days before Christmas when I begin to second guess myself. “Did I get the right things? Should I have gotten something different? Will they be disappointed? I never baked the cookies. We never watched all the hallmark shows. We haven’t done this or that yet.” All the pressure put on myself FROM myself to make sure it’s all perfect.Do I know that it will be perfect? Yes. Do I know my kids will be grateful and happy no matter what? Yes. Do I know that when it all comes down to it, the important thing is for my children to know WHY we celebrate? 100% yes.But I wanted to be transparent with you. Because I think it is EASY to tell people what they should do yet not always easy to follow those suggestions for ourselves.Speaking of being transparent…I wanted to share something that happened to me a few nights ago with my daughter. We were working on our lesson for Christmas Around the World and one of the projects was for the kids to create their own play. My daughter was supposed to color and cut out nativity characters to use for hers and my son had to make his up on his own. Once she got it all cut out and glued onto straws, she asked what she was supposed to do for the play. I told her it was the nativity and she looked confused. So I rephrased, knowing she doesn’t always understand words that I assume she knows, and said it’s the story of Jesus being born and Mary and Joseph traveling to Bethlehem. She got teary and told me “but I don’t know that story.” Now…let me tell you, there was some heavy internal battling going on in my head in that moment. HOW did she not know the Christmas story?!HOW did I miss the mark after all the deliberate learning choices we had made?!HOW did she not remember the ONE story this all circles around?!Had I failed her?! Was she just never paying attention?? Here we are, less than a week before Christmas and she doesn’t know the story of Christmas????I have a history of fighting with old demons when it comes to feeling not good enough, not smart enough, not a good enough parent, etc etc. The thing about old demons is that you recognize them quicker each time and learn how to overcome them. You learn how to put that armor on and fight back.So, what did I do in that moment? Did I belittle her for not knowing or remembering? – because let me tell you, she has heard the Christmas story from her own beginning. She has heard it in Sunday School, church, at home, in lessons, at her grandparents, in movies. She just has some unique qualities when it comes to focusing and remembering. Something that isn’t just unique in this moment but something we have been struggling and working through all year.So no, I didn’t belittle her or get angry. Instead, I chose to take it as a blessing to have a moment with her. We got up, grabbed a bible and a bible story book, and went into her room together. Her brother ended up following us as well. We sat down together and she followed along as I read the story of Mary and Joseph, the shepherds, the birth of Jesus, and the Wise Men. We laughed at the idea of a mom having to give birth around smelly animals and talked about the lack of comfort the baby must have had when placed in a stone manger. We talked about the swaddling clothes and what those were used for. It was a moment that I COULD have freaked out, got angry with myself and her, and lost the chance of helping her remember the reason we celebrate.Do I always do things right? Absolutely not. But when I get a chance to do the right thing and take it? I’m going to be glad about that!We didn’t bake cookies this year – though my son did while they stayed with grandparents last weekend. Because I work this week, except for Christmas Day, we have 1 day left to do our last lesson, go see lights, watch movies, drink cocoa, grab a few last-minute gifts, and wrap everything. I am sure we will get it all done and enjoy most of it…because we are doing it together. I am praying for grace for the moments when stress tries to creep in.Thinking about the baby that was born so long ago…I’m sure things were NOT peaceful then either. I mean, I’ve had 2 babies and delivering – even when in a hospital – is not all rainbows and unicorns. I even ended up having csections! I imagine Mary, while feeling the joy of knowing who she was carrying, may have had some stress going on as well. Where would they sleep?Would the birth go smoothly?Did she bring enough blankets to keep him warm? Not to mention the smell of animals. Concern of cleanliness.How would she raise the SON of GOD?So many thoughts, worries, concerns…Wanting it all to be perfect, go perfectly, end up being the best day ever.And it WAS one of the best days ever! Even if it wasn’t what she had in her own mind of what it would look like.Every year there are reminders that many are hurting, depressed, missing someone…we hear of loved ones dying…arguments over political things or opinions…reminders of what could have or should have been…But the thing is, it doesn’t stop after Christmas. There will ALWAYS be things we do as parents that will leave us second guessing our decisions or feeling inadequate. We will make so many mistakes along the way and we pray for grace that our kids will survive them. There will also always be opportunities for us to show our kids how to not take things for granted…to offer a helping hand to someone…to learn the lessons of it is better to give than to receive.In the end, I think it’s ok to want to get your kids things that you know will bring them happiness. I think it’s ok to want to do all the traditions and follow through with every idea.I think it’s ok to want to do better for them.With that, remember that you ARE a good parent by simply being there for your kid.You don’t have to do all the things. They will be ok.They are allowed to forget significant things just like you are able to remind them in a loving way.And when it comes down to it, you are in this together. This thing called life. As a family. No one really knows what they’re doing, some are just better at pretending. As you enjoy this Christmas holiday, I pray you find peace…love…and true joy in your heart.
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