Ep. 65: Shifting Codependent Patterns: Letting Go of Overfunctioning

As we close out season 1 of this podcast and look back at how far we’ve come, it can be really easy to focus on what still needs work. You might notice the reaction that you're still having, the boundary you're still having a hard time setting, the person you still can't completely let go of. Our growth journey can become another way that we criticize ourselves, and I don't want that for us. Not here. So before we move on to whatever comes next, I want to take a look back. Who were you when you started this season? What confused you then that makes more sense now? What used to feel like something that was terribly wrong with you, that you now understand as a younger part of yourself, a nervous system response, or simply a feeling that is asking you to attune?You know what they say: the top of one mountain is the bottom of the next. There will be more relationship disruptions, more disappointment, more joy, more things that activate you, and more opportunities to learn and love yourself more deeply. But this time, we're not starting the next mountain with nothing. You now know how to get curious. You know that every feeling is a communication. That every thought isn't automatically the truth. That trust is data over time. And you know that everywhere you go, you're bringing an inner child and a teenager. You now have the information to come back home to yourself and how to do things differently. And that's a pretty good place to start the next mountain climb.ResourcesWebsite: robinbreckenridge.comInstagram: @coachwithrobinTikTok: @robinbreckenridgeYouTube: @growwithrobinbreckenridge

As promised, I’m back for part two of the books that have deeply impacted my life. These books have become the staples that I frequently recommend to clients, friends, and anybody going through a hard time. This time, I’m focusing on the authors and titles that have helped support my growth around shame, codependency, communication, and relationships. What I love about these books and the teachers who wrote them is that they’ve each given me something different. I don’t need or expect one book to have all the answers. Instead, I know I can take something different from each body of work, bring it into my own experience, and let it speak to me.I believe that the aligned books find us at the aligned time, and my hope is that these episodes inspire you to reconnect with something that you're working on. I hope they remind you that no matter where you are and what you're going through, the Universe will send you the appropriate tool, teacher, or resource to help you through it. ResourcesHealing the Shame That Binds You by John BradshawThe Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, MDComplex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete WalkerIt Didn’t Start With You by Mark WolynnHow to Do the Work; Reparenting the Inner Child by Nicole Le PeraCodependent No More; The Language of Letting Go by Melody BeattieThe Mastery of Love; The Four Agreements by Don Miguel RuizThe New Rules of Marriage by Dr. Terry RealThe Conscious Parent by Dr. ShefaliNonviolent Communication by Dr. Marshall RosenbergWebsite: robinbreckenridge.comInstagram: @coachwithrobinTikTok: @robinbreckenridgeYouTube: @growwithrobinbreckenridge

I truly believe that the right book, tool, or teacher can find you exactly at the time you need it. I can look back over my life and see the crazy ways that the Universe sent me what I needed during challenging times, and books were always at the center. Books gave me language before I had language for things I was feeling and experiencing. They gave me teachers who introduced me to ideas that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Books have supported me in every part of my journey, spiritually, emotionally, personally, and heavily influenced the work that I do with my clients today. In these next two episodes, I’m sharing the books that have inspired me, supported me, and taught me in the hopes that one of these books finds you exactly at the right time too.Maybe you need to surrender right now. Maybe you need to remember your worth or to stop fighting yourself. Maybe you need the courage to belong to yourself. Maybe instead of another self-help book, you need big magic because it is time to create something, play, and feel alive again. Pay attention to what pulls at you, it just might be the Universe calling you. ResourcesAnatomy of the Spirit by Caroline MyssA Return to Love by Mary Ann WilliamsonA New Earth by Eckhart TolleThe Universe Has Your Back; Judgment Detox by Gabrielle BernsteinYou Are Enough by Panache DesaiPower vs. Force; Letting Go; The Map of Consciousness Explained by Dr. David HawkinsRadical Acceptance by Tara BrachYou Can Heal Your Life by Louise HayBraving the Wilderness by Brene BrownBig Magic by Elizabeth GilbertThe Tears That Taught Me by Morgan Richard Oliver.Website: robinbreckenridge.comInstagram: @coachwithrobinTikTok: @robinbreckenridgeYouTube: @growwithrobinbreckenridgeResourcesAnatomy of the Spirit by Caroline MyssA Return to Love by Mary Ann WilliamsonA New Earth by Eckhart TolleThe Universe Has Your Back; Judgment Detox by Gabrielle BernsteinYou Are Enough by Panache DesaiPower vs. Force; Letting Go; The Map of Consciousness Explained by Dr. David HawkinsRadical Acceptance by Tara BrachYou Can Heal Your Life by Louise HayBraving the Wilderness by Brene BrownBig Magic by Elizabeth GilbertThe Tears That Taught Me by Morgan Richard Oliver.Website: robinbreckenridge.comInstagram: @coachwithrobinTikTok: @robinbreckenridgeYouTube: @growwithrobinbreckenridge

Codependency is often described as losing yourself in relationships or becoming overly responsible for someone else. But underneath so many codependent patterns is the need to control the outcome. We need the relationship to work. We need the other person to change, choose us, forgive us, heal, take responsibility, become more available, or finally see what we have been trying to explain for so long. The story we tell ourselves is that we will feel better when they just do the thing we want them to do. Codependency can sound like “I cannot be okay unless this turns out the way I need it to.” And that belief keeps us working incredibly hard to create outcomes that do not entirely belong to us. Suddenly, our peace becomes attached to somebody else’s decisions. The reality is we try to control the outcome because we don't trust that we can handle it if things don't turn out the way we wanted them to. Building self-trust means we can hope something works out, and still stay connected to ourselves if it doesn’t. Sometimes releasing that control leads to repair and sometimes it reveals that you have been holding the entire relationship together the whole time. Sometimes it brings relief and sometimes it brings grief. But it always brings you back to yourself.ResourcesWebsite: robinbreckenridge.comInstagram: @coachwithrobinTikTok: @robinbreckenridgeYouTube: @growwithrobinbreckenridge

So far in this codependency series, we’ve been talking about all the ways we're abandoning or neglecting ourselves that we aren’t even aware of. We know these patterns helped us survive in childhood, but in adulthood they became chronic self-neglect. And no matter how you neglect yourself, all of those patterns have something in common: at some point we learned that being fully ourselves could threaten the connection. What we didn’t know then but we know now is we don’t have to treat protection and connection as opposites. Healthy relationships require both. This episode, I want you to start questioning what you neglect in yourself when you're afraid of losing someone, being hurt, being rejected, or being fully seen. What might it look like to stay with yourself instead?We now have an opportunity to create different experiences in our lives. We can remain authentic while connected to another person. We can protect ourselves while staying open to a relationship, love, and connection. We can listen to our nervous systems and allow our conscious adults to choose what happens next. We can show up for our scared parts of self and see that they're scared, understand why, and let them know that we are here no matter what.ResourcesWebsite: robinbreckenridge.comInstagram: @coachwithrobinTikTok: @robinbreckenridgeYouTube: @growwithrobinbreckenridge

Last week, we talked about codependency as chronic self-neglect. This episode, I want to talk about one of the most common ways that self-neglect shows up in our relationships: overfunctioning.Overfunctioning is what happens when you begin taking more responsibility than actually belongs to you. You work harder on the other person's life than they do. And somewhere in that process of trying to keep everyone else okay, you slowly start to abandon yourself and your needs. It can look like care and love on the surface, while quietly leading to exhaustion, resentment, and disconnection underneath. If you’ve been overfunctioning for a while, creating internal boundaries and prioritizing your own needs can feel like abandoning the people you love. But there’s a big difference between supporting and rescuing. Support says, “I will walk beside you during this hard time.” Rescuing says, “I will carry you even when carrying you is hurting me.”Remember, Your needs matter too. Your limits matter. Your bandwidth matters. Delegating might be the next kind choice. Setting a boundary may be the next loving choice. And allowing someone else to carry their own life may be the very thing that allows both of you to grow.ResourcesWebsite: robinbreckenridge.comInstagram: @coachwithrobinTikTok: @robinbreckenridgeYouTube: @growwithrobinbreckenridge

If you struggle with codependency in relationships, your inner dialogue might sound something like this: “If I keep everyone happy, I'll be safe. If I'm useful enough, I'll be loved. If I'm indispensable, they won't leave. If I make them love me and see my worth, this thing that plagues me inside will go away.”Codependency is an attempt to create internal safety by managing something outside of you. But while you’re worried about somebody else’s life, emotions, and goals, nobody is worried about your life. And when you leave yourself and your own life unattended, it becomes self-abandonment. Codependency is complex, but the central distinction is simple: healthy love does not require you to abandon yourself. It allows two people to remain both connected to each other and themselves. Codependency, on the other hand, asks one person to slowly disappear. My goal with this series is to help you identify where you’re prioritizing others’ needs over your own and start shining that light inward instead. ResourcesWebsite: robinbreckenridge.comInstagram: @coachwithrobinTikTok: @robinbreckenridgeYouTube: @growwithrobinbreckenridge

Imagine that you're standing in a completely dark room and in your hand is a flashlight. Everything in your life is in that room: joy, heartbreak, fear, hope, disappointment. Lessons that you've learned and dreams that haven't happened yet. It's all in there, but you can only see what your flashlight is pointed towards. Fear has a way of grabbing the flashlight out of our hand and illuminating everything that's missing, everything that's uncertain, and everything that scares us. If your flashlight spends all day looking for what's wrong, that's what you'll experience. If it's looking for reasons life isn't fair, your mind will collect that evidence. This isn’t because those are the only things in the room, but because it's where you put your attention. After a while, we forget that we are the ones holding the flashlight.This episode is all about remembering we get a choice in where we shine our light. We may not get to choose every circumstance, and we absolutely don't get to control the outcome of things, but we almost always have some influence over our perspective. Your flashlight doesn't change what's in the room, it changes your experience of the room, and that perspective shift makes all the difference. ResourcesWebsite: robinbreckenridge.comInstagram: @coachwithrobinTikTok: @robinbreckenridgeYouTube: @growwithrobinbreckenridge

Over the past year or so of this podcast, we’ve had many listeners send in questions they'd like me to answer about my own life and relationship to this work. Now, normally I’m the one asking the questions on this platform, so talking about myself feels a bit out of my comfort zone. But if I’m going to encourage everyone else to step out of their comfort zones, it’s only fair I do the same. This episode, I’m getting vulnerable and answering your listener questions about my background, the life experiences that led me to this work, things that have shaped me as a coach, and general questions about relationships, healing, spiritual connection, and more. ResourcesWebsite: robinbreckenridge.comInstagram: @coachwithrobinTikTok: @robinbreckenridgeYouTube: @growwithrobinbreckenridge

Have you ever noticed how quickly your mind fills in the blanks when you feel activated? Someone doesn't text you back. A friend seems quieter than usual. Your boss sends an email asking if you have a minute to talk tomorrow. Within seconds, your mind already has a story. What's fascinating is that our bodies often respond to these stories long before we even vet out whether they are true or not. Our heart races, our stomach tightens, we feel anxious, and we start looking for evidence. Our minds don’t like unanswered questions, so they answer them The big problem is, fear is usually the loudest voice. This episode, I’m putting a name to three common thought-based fear patterns keeping many of us stuck in self-doubt. Once something has a name, we can recognize it. And once we can recognize it, we have a choice. Instead of automatically believing every thought, you can become curious. You can ask, "is this fear talking?" And ultimately, "is this the voice within me I can trust?"Remember that your conscious adult won't leave you in fear, shame, rejection, or abandonment. It will remind you that you're capable, that no matter what comes your way, you will face it together. Awareness is the beginning of change. Our thoughts may not stop, and fear may still have something to say. The difference is it doesn't have to make every decision.ResourcesWebsite: robinbreckenridge.comInstagram: @coachwithrobinTikTok: @robinbreckenridgeYouTube: @growwithrobinbreckenridge