60 - Dunk the Bear

It’s our retrospective retrospective! We reminisce about the last two years, reliving our favorite moments and discussing our predictions for the Season 2 that might have been. There’s a lot of wheeze-laughing in this one, and Libbie’s soul leaves her body. Plus: who was the ultimate champion of psychopathy? The answer will not surprise you. Adieu, Swannies--it's been fun.

This is it, Swannies! It’s the final episode of Swans Crossing! Mila looks like roadkill. Callie and Jimmy arm-wrestle. Sydney is back to being an a-hole. Nancy, our heartless queen, is in fine fettle. Garrett reveals his evil plan. Glory is hangry. Muffy cries a single tear. Special guest appearance by Libbie’s cat, Chupie.

Sydney is still doing Garrett’s bidding for no apparent reason. Mila is depressed. Nancy is back! Hail, Nancy! Barek is also back and he’s super creepy. Garrett is enraged. Unfortunately, Billy Gunn is back as well… and he’s shirtless. And he’s in his bed. With black satin sheets. And also with someone else.

Sparks begin to fly between Mila and JT. Jimmy and Saja reminisce about woobie hunting. Garrett forces Sydney to call child trafficker Billy Gunn, then begins strategizing ways to turn Mila into money. Owen has captured footage of legitimate Stranger Danger and nobody cares. Callie and Jimmy just GO FOR IT. A fledgling romance begins to develop between Saja and Sandy, the two perpetual third wheels of Swans Crossing.

Sydney ironically morphs into Sandy Swan of her own free will. Owen’s breaking and entering spree continues apace. Garrett is a time lord. Saja has fleshlights. Sandy blinds a bear. Jimmy almost cops a feel. Plus: Nathan learns about Flea and an old man yells “Schwing.”

We have to take a little break because LIFE is CRAZY and the holidays don't help with that. We'll be back on January 7th with Episode 62! You can also check out Libbie's new podcast, Future Saint of a New Era, which debuts December 15th. Have a safe and happy holiday season, Swannies, and we'll see you in 2023 for the final episodes of this, the best-produced and most important podcast on Earth.

Garrett breaks the fourth wall to violently assault the viewer. Sandy enlists Sydney’s help in an image makeover… kind of. Mining in Rodavia is really cheap. Barek flies off in his own private jet because of course he does. Mila and Sandy learn that Owen has betrayed both of them. Owen doesn’t seem to care because he’s intent on creeping around in the bushes, filming all and sundry.

Garrett wants to literally murder Sydney and says so SEVERAL times. Owen films people while they’re sleeping. Jimmy has a wrench cause he’s a mechanic. Glory extracts a promise from Garrett, which he immediately violates not three seconds later. JT peels a mustache; we can’t decide if it’s solemn or sexy. Saja does a tarot reading for Sydney and it’s… weird. The Entertainment Extravaganza is a flop for everyone except Katie, who makes out like a bandit.

Saja pursues a Little Mamba Jamba. Neil ODs on helium. Callie’s dinner with Barek goes about how you’d expect. Glory busts her brother. Garrett has a legit crisis on the ol’ Booth porch. Plus: Nathan and Libbie complain like a couple of boomers about the kids these days with their Discords and their TikToks.

Sydney procures bunting. Jimmy sweeps up detritus and stares a lot. Glory isn’t buying the whole Mila/Garrett thing. Barek shares inappropriate stories with minors. Callie and her dad bond by throwing shuriken. The excitement flows to Garrett’s brain. Plus: Nathan makes some coffee and you have to listen to the whole process.