128: From Self-Punishment to Self-Compassion

You can forgive someone and still feel a sting when you remember what happened. In this episode, I revisit an article I wrote in 2018, Five Ways to Tell If You Have Forgiven Someone, and share how my understanding of those five signs has changed. I talk about what happened after I left my former husband, how years of trying to keep the peace taught me to ignore my own needs, and what it took to trust myself again.I also share how forgiveness can make room for grief, firm boundaries, and accountability. If you’ve ever wondered whether you should be over it by now or caught yourself thinking, “I should have known better,” I offer a few questions to help you meet yourself with more compassion and notice how much room the experience still takes up in your life.Forgive Yourself 15: 5 Ways to Tell if You’ve Forgiven Someone - Releasing Anger and BitternessRead the article, 5 Ways To Tell If You’ve Forgiven Someone: https://brendareisscoaching.com/2018/01/22/5-ways-to-tell-if-youve-forgiven-someone/ What You'll LearnHow to recognize when a painful memory has less hold on you, even if it still brings up strong feelingsHow to tell when an offer to help comes from genuine willingness, fear, guilt, or obligationWhat it looks like to understand someone’s behavior while taking the harm they caused seriouslyHow to let go of wanting revenge while still seeking accountabilityHow to notice when someone else’s successes and setbacks have less influence on your peaceHow self-forgiveness can help you make sense of the choices you made then and trust the choices you make nowResources:Your FREE Forgive Yourself resources: https://brendareisscoaching.com/resources/Are you struggling with a situation or a person in your life? Wondering if you are ready to work on forgiving yourself? Take our quiz to find out your emotional IQ and how this impacts your ability to forgive: https://archetype.brendareisscoaching.com/sf/357cdc60  Brenda’s Website/LinksWebsiteFacebookInstagramLinkedIn

Life can ask more of us than we know how to give, and sometimes we make an already painful experience heavier by judging ourselves for how we’re handling it. In this episode, I share how caring for my husband as he lives with dementia has helped me recognize the ways I’ve been resisting both the life I didn’t expect and my own changing capacity.Through the lens of radical forgiveness, I explore the difference between understanding our feelings and allowing ourselves to feel them, why acceptance doesn’t mean agreement, and how even self-care can become another thing we’re trying to accomplish. I also share a gentle, three-question reflection to help you notice what you’re resisting, acknowledge what you’re feeling, and begin meeting yourself with more compassion.What You'll LearnHow the need to hold everything together can become an attempt to control what feels uncertainWhy acceptance doesn’t mean liking, agreeing with, or no longer grieving your circumstancesHow anticipatory grief can show up while someone you love is still hereThe difference between talking about your feelings and giving yourself permission to experience themHow busyness and even self-care can become a way to avoid painful emotionsWhy revisiting an old wound doesn’t erase the healing you’ve already doneResources:Your FREE Forgive Yourself resources: https://brendareisscoaching.com/resources/Are you struggling with a situation or a person in your life? Wondering if you are ready to work on forgiving yourself? Take our quiz to find out your emotional IQ and how this impacts your ability to forgive: https://archetype.brendareisscoaching.com/sf/357cdc60  Brenda’s Website/LinksWebsiteFacebookInstagramLinkedIn

Grief doesn’t always have a clear beginning or end. Sometimes it comes with a gradual change in a relationship, a shift in our health, or the loss of a future we once imagined. In this episode, I share what I’ve learned about grief, caregiving, and finding my way back to myself as my husband lives with dementia, from changes in our marriage and the exhaustion of survival mode to giving myself permission to imagine a future that includes my own needs and desires. I also revisit my process for moving toward acceptance and share gentle practices for recognizing what you’re carrying, finding support, and letting go of the guilt that can come with having less capacity.What You'll LearnWhat ambiguous loss and anticipatory grief can look likeHow grief and prolonged stress can affect your energy, focus, and capacityWhy having less to give during a difficult season doesn’t diminish your worthHow a process from awareness and permission to acceptance and choice can help you navigate griefGentle ways to find support, make space for rest, and reconnect with what brings you joyHow self-forgiveness can help you release guilt about what you couldn’t doWhy you don’t have to wait for grief to disappear before giving yourself permission to liveResources:Your FREE Forgive Yourself resources: https://brendareisscoaching.com/resources/Are you struggling with a situation or a person in your life? Wondering if you are ready to work on forgiving yourself? Take our quiz to find out your emotional IQ and how this impacts your ability to forgive: https://archetype.brendareisscoaching.com/sf/357cdc60  Brenda’s Website/LinksWebsiteFacebookInstagramLinkedIn

The kids have left home, the house is quieter, and you finally have more time together. So why does your partner suddenly feel like a stranger?In this episode, I explore how the empty nest can bring relationship patterns, unspoken needs, and long-held resentments into focus. After years of managing schedules and raising a family, reconnecting starts with getting curious about who you and your partner have become, and forgiveness, self-trust, and honest conversations can help you navigate this transition without taking on all the work yourself.What You'll LearnWhy more time together doesn’t automatically create more connectionHow the empty nest can reveal patterns of overgiving, conflict avoidance, and unequal emotional responsibilityHow to stay connected when one partner feels freedom and the other feels griefWhat forgiveness involves when old resentments surfaceWays to rebuild friendship and emotional intimacy through curiosity, listening, and small shared momentsHow self-trust can help you express your needs and make choices that reflect who you are todayResources:Your FREE Forgive Yourself resources: https://brendareisscoaching.com/resources/Are you struggling with a situation or a person in your life? Wondering if you are ready to work on forgiving yourself? Take our quiz to find out your emotional IQ and how this impacts your ability to forgive: https://archetype.brendareisscoaching.com/sf/357cdc60  Brenda’s Website/LinksWebsiteFacebookInstagramLinkedIn

Sometimes the greatest freedom comes from learning to let go of what we cannot change. In this episode, I welcome TEDx speaker, author, and forgiveness advocate Michael B. Ling for a conversation about healing from childhood trauma, family betrayal, and broken relationships. Michael shares how years of unresolved anger shaped his life, the powerful lesson his grandmother taught him about forgiveness, and how faith, therapy, and self-compassion helped him begin to heal.We explore why forgiveness is a journey rather than a single decision, how to recognize the deeper pain behind our emotional reactions, and why forgiving someone doesn't mean allowing them back into our lives.What You'll LearnWhy forgiveness is a decision, but healing is an ongoing processHow unresolved childhood pain can influence adult relationships and emotional reactionsWhy forgiveness doesn't require an apology or reconciliationHow faith, therapy, and self-compassion can support emotional healingThe importance of setting boundaries while letting go of resentmentHow self-forgiveness can help you rebuild self-worth and healthier relationshipsTake Michael’s free assessment to learn where you are in your forgiveness journey: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSf-Lfc8Lz4IVup4LE5xVAkMdN2LuWZVm5zDV3ab-ajtNl51OA/viewformLearn more about Michael, his books, and his podcast: https://michaelbling.com/ Follow Michael on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/michael_b_ling Subscribe to Michael on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@MichaelLing-x6r Follow Michael on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61569019926778 About Michael B. LingMichael B. Ling is a TEDx speaker, author, forgiveness advocate, and founder of Michael Ling Ministries. He is the creator of the Beyond the Hurt Forgiveness Workshop and host of the A Walk Through the Mud podcast, where he explores healing, faith, resilience, and personal transformation. Drawing from his own experiences with childhood trauma, family betrayal, and divorce, Michael helps others understand that forgiveness is a journey toward personal freedom rather than an obligation to reconcile. Through his workshops, speaking engagements, and books, including “Journey: The Story of Perseverance Through Forgiveness” and Renewing Your Mind,” he encourages people to confront unresolved pain, develop self-compassion, and reclaim control over their lives.Resources:Your FREE Forgive Yourself resources: https://brendareisscoaching.com/resources/Are you struggling with a situation or a person in your life? Wondering if you are ready to work on forgiving yourself? Take our quiz to find out your emotional IQ and how this impacts your ability to forgive: https://archetype.brendareisscoaching.com/sf/357cdc60  Brenda’s Website/LinksWebsiteFacebookInstagramLinkedIn

The ways we learn to survive as children can follow us long after the danger has passed. In this deeply personal conversation, I sit down with Rich Dunning, author of “Silence Was My First Language,” to explore how a childhood shaped by abuse, violence, poverty, homelessness, and addiction continued to affect him well into adulthood. Rich shares how silence, overachievement, distrust, and alcohol became ways of coping with pain he had never addressed, and how addiction eventually brought him to a turning point that changed his life.We talk about sobriety, accountability, rebuilding trust, and what it means to forgive without excusing the harm that was done. Rich also shares how telling his story has helped him release shame, reclaim his voice, and turn his experiences into a source of hope and purpose for others.What You'll LearnHow childhood survival patterns like silence, hypervigilance, and overachievement can continue into adulthoodWhy outward success doesn’t necessarily mean the wounds of the past have healedHow addiction became a way for Rich to escape unresolved trauma (what ultimately led him to sobriety)Why accountability and self-forgiveness can exist at the same timeWhat forgiveness looks like when you still need boundaries with the people who hurt youHow releasing shame and speaking openly about your story can become part of the healing processWhy healing isn’t just about changing your own life, but also about breaking cycles for the people who come after youAbout Rich DunningRich Dunning is an author, speaker, and advocate whose work is rooted in his own journey through childhood trauma, addiction, and recovery. He is the author of Silence Was My First Language, a memoir about breaking cycles of abuse, releasing shame, and reclaiming your voice. Sober since 2017, Rich now uses his story to offer hope to others navigating trauma and addiction. He is also the founder of the First Language Foundation, which supports children and young adults affected by abuse, homelessness, hunger, addiction, and exploitation.Get your copy of “Silence Was My First Language”: https://www.richdunningbooks.com/ Learn more about the First Language Foundation: https://firstlanguagefoundation.org/Follow Rich on TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@richdunningbooks Follow Rich Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/richdunningbooks/ Connect with Rich on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/rich-dunning-9a3137360 Resources:Your FREE Forgive Yourself resources: https://brendareisscoaching.com/resources/Are you struggling with a situation or a person in your life? Wondering if you are ready to work on forgiving yourself? Take our quiz to find out your emotional IQ and how this impacts your ability to forgive: https://archetype.brendareisscoaching.com/sf/357cdc60  Brenda’s Website/LinksWebsiteFacebookInstagramLinkedIn

An empty nest can bring more freedom, more time, and a deep sense of pride in the children you’ve raised. It can also bring grief, loneliness, and questions about who you are now.In this episode, I talk about why this transition can feel especially complicated for high-achieving women who have spent years caring for others, staying busy, and tying their sense of value to being needed. I share how to make space for difficult emotions without immediately trying to fix them, reconnect with your own wants and needs, and become curious about the woman emerging underneath all the roles you’ve carried.Rather than rushing to fill the empty space with another goal or accomplishment, I invite you to see this season as an opportunity to listen to yourself, redefine what makes a life meaningful, and discover who you’re becoming now that you have more room to hear yourself.What You'll LearnHow being needed can become intertwined with your sense of identity and worthWhy busyness, overthinking, or productivity can sometimes be ways of avoiding difficult emotionsA simple three-question practice for noticing and responding to what you’re feelingHow to explore what you want without turning your next chapter into another achievementHow your relationship with your adult children can evolve from managing and advising to listening and trustingWhy your value, purpose, and identity don’t disappear when your caregiving role changesResources:Your FREE Forgive Yourself resources: https://brendareisscoaching.com/resources/Are you struggling with a situation or a person in your life? Wondering if you are ready to work on forgiving yourself? Take our quiz to find out your emotional IQ and how this impacts your ability to forgive: https://archetype.brendareisscoaching.com/sf/357cdc60  Brenda’s Website/LinksWebsiteFacebookInstagramLinkedIn

Finding your way back to yourself is about slowing down enough to hear what’s already within you, not doing more. In this episode, I sit down with best-selling author and entrepreneur Amber Vilhauer to explore what it means to reconnect with your inner light after years of people-pleasing, pushing through, and looking outside yourself for validation.Amber shares how her own experiences with rejection, self-sacrifice, and disconnection led her to rebuild her self-trust and how becoming a mother deepened that journey. We also discuss Amber’s new book, What Nature Teaches Us, co-authored with her son Clay, and the simple but powerful lessons nature offers about resilience, self-worth, compassion, and being present.What You'll LearnHow people-pleasing and seeking external validation can disconnect you from your sense of selfWhy slowing down and spending time in nature can help you reconnect with your intuitionHow small, everyday choices can strengthen self-trustWhy your accomplishments and productivity don’t determine your self-worthHow understanding the beliefs behind past choices can make self-forgiveness easierWhat nature can teach us about resilience, compassion, connection, and being the lightAbout Amber VilhauerAmber Vilhauer is a bestselling author, entrepreneur, speaker, and mom who has spent more than 20 years helping others grow with greater authenticity and purpose. Her latest book, What Nature Teaches Us, co-authored with her nine-year-old son, explores resilience, self-worth, connection, and the lessons we discover when we slow down and listen.Get Amber’s Be the Light Family Connection Guide, a free resource featuring five simple, nature-inspired conversations designed to help people slow down, reconnect, and explore resilience, self-trust, kindness, and big feelings: https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/arz2pa1sfr4o0v111ps1a/Be-the-Light-PDF.pdf? rlkey=v1km42wtlvjeqzjpw8jpfyzvg&st=7wgwl7mv&dl=0 Learn more about Amber: https://ambervilhauer.com/ Get your copy of “What Nature Teaches Us”: https://choosethelight.com/ Follow Amber on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ambervilhauer/?hl=en  Connect with Amber LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/ambervilhauer/  Follow Amber on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ambervilhauer/  Resources:Your FREE Forgive Yourself resources: https://brendareisscoaching.com/resources/Are you struggling with a situation or a person in your life? Wondering if you are ready to work on forgiving yourself? Take our quiz to find out your emotional IQ and how this impacts your ability to forgive: https://archetype.brendareisscoaching.com/sf/357cdc60  Brenda’s Website/LinksWebsiteFacebookInstagramLinkedIn

Getting sober, changing a behavior, or understanding your patterns doesn’t always mean you’ve healed from what’s underneath them.In this episode, I'm joined by Leif Bjelland, longtime recovery advocate and founder of Heroic Breath, to explore the difference between taking responsibility for your past and continuing to punish yourself for it. Leif shares how his own recovery from alcoholism eventually led him beyond sobriety and into meditation, breathwork, and a deeper understanding of self-compassion.Leif and I discuss the shame and repetitive thought patterns that can keep us stuck, why we often turn to busyness or other forms of escape to avoid what we’re feeling, and how embodied practices can help us move beyond simply understanding our patterns. This episode is an invitation to stop using your past against yourself and begin experiencing compassion, forgiveness, and healing in a new way.What You'll LearnWhy stopping a behavior and truly healing are not always the same thingThe difference between taking responsibility and continuing to punish yourselfHow shame, repetitive thoughts, and escapism can keep old patterns aliveWhy intellectual understanding alone may not be enough to create lasting changeHow meditation and breathwork can help you reconnect with your body and quiet the thinking mindWhat it means to experience self-compassion instead of simply understanding the conceptAbout Leif BjellandLeif Bjelland is an entrepreneur, longtime recovery advocate, breathwork facilitator, and founder of Heroic Breath. More than 10 years into his own sobriety journey, Leif draws from his experiences with recovery, meditation, and breathwork to help others move beyond intellectual understanding and experience greater self-compassion, healing, and connection with themselves.Get complimentary access to The Release, the first full-length session of the Heroic Breath Reset with code “freedom100”: heroicbreath.com/freedom Connect with Leif on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/leif-b-038a21242/ Follow Leif on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/heroic.breath/ Follow Leif on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61570276557095Resources:Your FREE Forgive Yourself resources: https://brendareisscoaching.com/resources/Are you struggling with a situation or a person in your life? Wondering if you are ready to work on forgiving yourself? Take our quiz to find out your emotional IQ and how this impacts your ability to forgive: https://archetype.brendareisscoaching.com/sf/357cdc60  Brenda’s Website/LinksWebsiteFacebookInstagramLinkedIn

After heartbreak, it’s easy to look back and wonder: Why didn’t I see it sooner? Why did I stay? How did I let this happen? But taking responsibility for your past doesn’t have to mean carrying shame for it.In this episode, I sit down with somatic coach, educator, and writer Christina Elaine to explore the patterns that keep us stuck in self-blame and why healing isn’t about endlessly analyzing or fixing ourselves. Christina shares how our nervous systems can pull us toward familiar relationship dynamics, why insight alone may not be enough to change those patterns, and how new experiences can help us respond differently.What You'll LearnHow to distinguish healthy self-responsibility from shame and self-blameWhy familiar emotional dynamics can keep showing up in your relationshipsHow somatic awareness can help you interrupt old patterns and choose a different responseWhy constantly analyzing yourself and others can sometimes make healing harderHow to experience difficult emotions without immediately attaching a story to themWhy frustration, disappointment, and annoyance can actually be signs of greater emotional regulationAbout Christina ElaineChristina Elaine is a somatic coach, educator, and writer who helps people rebuild emotional safety and connection through the body. She is the editor of Mutual Terrain and a top 1% writer on Medium. Through her coaching, workshops, and embodiment-based curriculums, Christina helps both men and women recognize emotional and relationship patterns, develop new ways of responding, and create healthier connections with themselves and others.Learn more about Christina: https://christinaelaine.comGet access to Christina’s Radiance and Embodied course library: https://christinaelaine.com/radiance-embodied/ Join her Workshop, Being Held, a four-Sunday live series for women: https://christinaelaine.com/being-held/ Follow Christina on…YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@christinaelainecoachingMedium: https://medium.com/@christinaelainecoachingSubstack: https://christinacoaching.substack.comResources:Your FREE Forgive Yourself resources: https://brendareisscoaching.com/resources/Are you struggling with a situation or a person in your life? Wondering if you are ready to work on forgiving yourself? Take our quiz to find out your emotional IQ and how this impacts your ability to forgive: https://archetype.brendareisscoaching.com/sf/357cdc60  Brenda’s Website/LinksWebsiteFacebookInstagramLinkedIn