Ep 63: The double standards we live by (and how we start changing them). An interview with Mary Catherine Starr

Follow us on Instagram! Kate Mangino & Rachel Childs. Get in touch with your questions, comments and future podcast ideas at [email protected]  What do election results have to do with who does the school run, who takes parental leave and who carries the mental load at home? A lot!In this special episode of Equal-ish, we're taking a slightly different angle and looking beyond the ballot box to explore what the recent US midterm results could mean for equality inside our homes.Joining us again is Brian Page, founder of Modern Husbands, alongside Kate and Rachel, to unpack the connections between political decisions and the everyday realities of working families.From the rising cost of living, unaffordable childcare and the lack of paid paternity leave to reproductive rights, flexible working and the expectations placed on mothers and fathers, we explore why household equity isn't simply a matter of individual choices. It's shaped by the systems we live and work within.We also look at some reasons for optimism: the shift in younger men's voting patterns, the number of newly elected representatives with children still living at home, and the opportunity for a new generation of leaders to bring the realities of modern family life into political decision-making.Perhaps the biggest opportunity isn't just about changing policies. It's about changing the stories we tell about who cares, who earns and what it takes to make family life work.If we want more equal homes, we need more than individual couples doing things differently. We need a world that makes it possible. Find out more about your hosts Kate Mangino and Rachel Childs.

Follow us on Instagram! Kate Mangino & Rachel Childs. Get in touch with your questions, comments and future podcast ideas at [email protected]  We've spent years talking about the mental load, unequal parenting and the double standards that shape family life. More and more of us recognise them. We can name them, laugh about them and send a comic to our partners saying, "This is us!"But what happens next?This week we’re joined by Mary Catherine Starr, the illustrator behind @momlife_comics, whose brilliantly relatable work has helped millions of people recognise the often invisible inequalities playing out in their homes.Mary Catherine talks about how her own experience of early motherhood, including the anger, guilt and self-blame she initially turned inwards, inspired her to start illustrating the realities of family life. What began as a personal outlet has evolved into something much bigger: a way of exposing the societal double standards that shape how mothers and fathers are judged, supported and expected to behave.In this episode, we go beyond the familiar conversations about the mental load to explore a trickier question: can feeling understood sometimes stop us from changing? When everyone around us is experiencing the same frustrations, does that sense of solidarity make it easier to accept things as they are?We explore why even couples who love each other and genuinely want an equal partnership can find themselves slipping into traditional roles, how institutions and everyday interactions can reinforce those patterns (even when dads are actively trying to step up), and why we need to move beyond simply recognising inequality towards doing something about it.We also get a fascinating insight into Mary Catherine's creative process and why the act of drawing is itself part of her thinking. And finally, she shares the ambition that her comics will one day feel as outdated as 1950s adverts telling women how to be good housewives.  Find Mary Catherine's work at @momlife_comics on Instagram, through her book Mama Needs a Minute and Substack. Find out more about your hosts Kate Mangino and Rachel Childs.

Follow us on Instagram! Kate Mangino & Rachel Childs. Get in touch with your questions, comments and future podcast ideas at [email protected]  What happens when you stop trying to make everyone else comfortable and start listening to what you really feel, want and need?In this episode of Equal-ish, we’re joined by writer and journalist Gemma Hartley, author of No One Loves an Angry Woman, to explore the gendered scripts that teach women to be accommodating, selfless and quiet about their own needs.Drawing on her experiences growing up in evangelical culture, becoming a mother and evolving alongside her husband, Gemma reflects on why women’s anger is so often dismissed, what that anger can reveal about the things that need to change, and why learning to express it can be the beginning of something transformative.We explore how the expectations placed on women - to give without needing, to be desirable without expressing desire, and to nurture others without making them uncomfortable, shape everything from parenting and partnerships to sex, identity and belonging.But this isn’t simply a conversation about women breaking free. We also discuss how restrictive gender roles limit men, why meaningful equality in a relationship requires both partners to keep growing, and how doing that work together can create more freedom for everyone.Perhaps most importantly, Gemma challenges the idea that following the rules is what keeps us safe. Sometimes, the very scripts that promise us belonging are the ones keeping our lives small.In this episode, we explore:Why women are often taught to suppress their anger and what anger can tell us.How gender norms and social expectations shape the way we parent, partner and behave.The connection between emotional labour, people-pleasing and making ourselves smaller.Why equality in relationships requires both partners to challenge inherited roles.How expectations around sex and desire can disconnect us from our own needs and bodies.Why breaking away from familiar scripts can feel frightening and open the door to deeper connection, authenticity and community.If you’ve ever swallowed your feelings to keep the peace, struggled to articulate what you really want, or wondered whether being true to yourself might cost you the love of others, this conversation is for you.Find Gemma: Her book No One Loves an Angry Woman, her Substack of the same name, and Instagram at @GemmaLHartley. Find out more about your hosts Kate Mangino and Rachel Childs.

Follow us on Instagram! Kate Mangino & Rachel Childs. Get in touch with your questions, comments and future podcast ideas at [email protected]  What if creating a more equal family isn't simply about wanting equality, but about learning how?In this Equal-ish Edit, Rachel Childs and Kate Mangino reflect on four conversations with Darby Saxbe, Jerome Hunter, Simon Arrowsmith and Sophie Bruce, uncovering an unexpected connection between brain science, raising boys, the stories we tell ourselves and the technology shaping our lives: our capacity to change.We explore why we cling to familiar ideas about what makes a good parent, a successful professional or a happy family, even when those expectations aren't working for us. We discuss how caregiving can change our brains, why empathy and communication need practice, and how the stories we inherit about gender can shape relationships in ways we don't even recognise.Kate shares a personal parenting dilemma that challenges her own feminist assumptions: when our children make choices that clash with our values, how do we stay open to their perspectives without abandoning our responsibility to guide them?And we get practical about equality itself. As Kate puts it, equality isn't just a value; it's a skill. One that requires practice, intention and the willingness to keep learning, even when we're exhausted and sometimes just want our partners to get on with it.Because building a more equal family isn't about getting everything right. It's about questioning the rules, making room for different stories and practising a better way of being together. Find out more about your hosts Kate Mangino and Rachel Childs.

Follow us on Instagram! Kate Mangino & Rachel Childs. Get in touch with your questions, comments and future podcast ideas at [email protected] if AI could give parents back something they desperately need: the brain space to actually enjoy being parents?Modern family life has become an extreme sport. School emails, WhatsApp groups, endless apps, competing work demands and the constant remembering, anticipating and organising can leave parents overwhelmed before the day has even begun. But could AI be part of the solution or are we simply adding another layer of technology to manage?In this episode of Equal-ish, we're joined by Sophie Bruce, founder and CEO of MOLO (Modern Load), to explore how technology could help families tackle the mental load, share responsibility and reconnect with the joy of parenting.Drawing on her background in psychology, high-performing teams and technology, Sophie challenges the idea that the problem is simply that dads don't do enough. Instead, she looks beneath the surface at unclear responsibilities, poor handovers, outdated systems and the growing expectations placed on modern parents.We explore the risks of AI learning from a world already shaped by gender stereotypes, and why technology could reinforce those patterns unless we deliberately design it to challenge them. We also ask whether making family life more efficient could bring couples closer together - or leave them even more disconnected.Plus, Sophie shares what it means to design family life with intention rather than sleepwalking into traditional roles, why we need to think carefully about who builds the technology we use, and what success might look like beyond simply getting more done. Find out more about the MOLO app here: https://www.wearemolo.com/ And read Kate’s latest substack (link soon), to explore her analysis of different AI options currently available today.Find out more about your hosts Kate Mangino and Rachel Childs. 

Follow us on Instagram! Kate Mangino & Rachel Childs. What if some of the things we believe are “just the way things are” are actually stories we've been told so many times that we've stopped questioning them?In this episode of Equal-ish, we're joined by storyteller, writer-composer and story consultant Simon Arrowsmith to explore the powerful stories that shape how we see ourselves, our relationships, our families and the world around us.Simon explains why story is much more than entertainment or communication: it's one of the ways our brains make meaning of the world. And because we're constantly surrounded by stories (in films, advertising, social media, culture, family and history), they can quietly become the narratives we live by.We explore what happens when familiar patterns become “lazy stories”: the repeated stereotypes about mothers, fathers, work and family life that can start to feel like the only possible way things can be.We also get personal. How can two people experience exactly the same situation but create completely different stories about what is happening? What happens when we become too attached to our own narrative? And how can couples create enough curiosity and vulnerability to hear each other's version of the story?Simon shares practical ways to start unpacking the stories we tell ourselves: from asking “why?” repeatedly to using the structure of a story to examine where we've come from, what has changed and what might happen next.And perhaps most importantly, we ask whether we really can rewrite our stories.  Sometimes a small shift is enough to change the direction of the story.So, who wrote the story you're living, and what might happen if you changed just 10% of it?Meet Simon: https://www.linkedin.com/in/simonarrowsmith/https://simonarrowsmith.com/https://iambic.agency/https://analogueintelligence.co.uk/Explore the hero’s journey here:  https://www.jcf.org/learn/joseph-campbell-heros-journey Find out more about your hosts Kate Mangino and Rachel Childs. 

Follow us on Instagram! Kate Mangino & Rachel Childs. Get in touch with your questions, comments and future podcast ideas at [email protected]   What happens when boys grow up surrounded by messages telling them to be strong, dominant, competitive and emotionally tough?In this episode of Equal-ish, we talk to educator and boys’ development expert Jerome Hunter about the scripts boys absorb from an early age and what happens when we give them the space to question those scripts rather than simply follow them.Jerome shares what he learned from founding an all-boys middle school, including why the transition into adolescence can feel like “whiplash”, how boys can be socialised away from emotional expression, and why the pressure to fit in can make it incredibly difficult for them to set boundaries or challenge harmful behaviour.We explore the debate around single-sex education, asking whether separating boys and girls can create valuable space to explore identity or risk reinforcing the very gender divisions we're trying to dismantle. Jerome's answer comes back to intentionality: it's not simply whether boys and girls are educated together, but what we're actually teaching them about themselves, relationships and each other. jerome-hunter-interviewWe also get very practical. Jerome shares simple things schools and families can do, from a one-minute emotional check-in at the start of a lesson to helping boys understand boundaries, practising restorative rather than purely punitive discipline, and creating a shared language around healthy relationships.And perhaps the most powerful question of all: what might boys teach us if we stopped trying to mould them and simply listened?Jerome's answer is beautiful: look at me for me before evaluating me.Meet Jerome: https://www.jeromehunter.com/LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jeromehunter/Find out more about your hosts Kate Mangino and Rachel Childs.

Follow us on Instagram! Kate Mangino & Rachel Childs. Get in touch with your questions, comments and future podcast ideas at [email protected]  What if becoming a father doesn't just change your life, it changes your brain?In this episode of Equal-ish, we talk to clinical psychologist and neuroscientist Dr Darby Saxbe, author of Dad Brain, about the fascinating biology of fatherhood and what it tells us about how we raise children, share care and think about masculinity.Darby's research shows that fathers' brains remodel during the transition to parenthood, with changes linked to how much time they spend caring for and connecting with their children. As she puts it: “Great dads are made, not born.”But that raises a much bigger question: what happens when fathers aren't given the time or opportunity to practise caregiving?We explore why solo parenting can be so important for dads, how unequal parenting can become self-reinforcing, and why the cognitive load remains stubbornly gendered even as fathers spend more time doing hands-on childcare.We also get into the surprising physical changes that can happen to men's bodies and hormones during fatherhood, why the obsession with maximising testosterone misses the point, and what happens when we stop seeing fatherhood as a social role and start recognising it as a profound human transition.And then we go somewhere unexpected: into the delivery room. Darby's research suggests that the way couples communicate with each other before birth may be linked to how difficult their birth experience becomes and that something as simple as validation can help diffuse conflict.This is a conversation about brains, bodies, relationships, workplaces, masculinity and the opportunities we give people to become the parents and partners they are capable of being.What would change if we designed early parenthood around the science of how fathers actually develop as caregivers?Connect with Darby:Buy the book: Dad Brain  darbysaxbe.comdarbysaxbe.substack.comInstagram @darbysaxbephdFind out more about your hosts Kate Mangino and Rachel Childs.

Equal-ish is back for Year Two!After 55 episodes exploring the research, systems and social norms that make equity at home so difficult, Kate and Rachel are back, and this year they're asking a different question:What if knowing what's hard isn't enough?We've learned a lot over the last year. We've explored all the latest research that explain why equity at home is so hard. We know about workplace barriers. We know how gender norms shape parenting, relationships and family life.And yet... we still find ourselves doing the very things we know we shouldn't.Rachel puts up barriers to taking time for herself. Kate finds herself exhausted after trying to make everyone else happy. So in Year Two we're going beyond diagnosis.This season, Equal-ish is widening the conversation, exploring the stories we tell ourselves, the habits we inherit, the expectations we never consciously chose, and the unexpected ideas that might help us do things differently.From boyhood and dad brains to storytelling, AI, anger, adolescence and the everyday ways we divide up family life, Kate and Rachel are looking beyond the usual suspects and asking:What other ideas, perspectives and possibilities could help us write our own rules?We're not here to tell you how to have the perfect family. We're figuring it out too.Welcome to Year Two of Equal-ish.And remember: if it were easy to be equal-ish, we wouldn't need this podcast.Here's some links to a few of our upcoming guests if you want to read ahead:Dad Brain, by Darby SaxbeNo One Loves an Angry Woman, by Gemma HartleyMom Life Comics

We're taking a break over the summer and replaying some of your favourite episodes. Today we're revisiting our conversation with podcast friend Alex Trippier where he gave us his honest perspectives about his personal journey from being clueless to enlightened in all things equal-ish and mental load.Enjoy!Discovering concepts like mental load, matrescence, and motherhood ideals really can fundamentally reframe your understanding of parenting as a partnership.In today’s conversation, Rachel, Kate talk to Alex Trippier, host of the Be a Happier Parent podcast about his fatherhood journey, the strain young children put on his relationship, and the turning point—from believing he was an “involved dad” to realising he had completely missed the invisible emotional, cognitive and cultural pressures shaping his wife’s experience. It’s time to redefine fulfillment as a father beyond achievement and into meaningful family connection.Here are two of the Be a Happier Parent episodes that we referenced in our interview: ⁠The magic of caregiving with Elissa Straus ⁠⁠What do dads do? With Steve Biddulph⁠These are the books Alex referenced:The Motherhood Complex by Melissa HogenboomMatrescence by Lucy Jones Fair Play by Eve Rodsky Beyond Baby Talk by Rachel Childs Subscribe to Equal-ish on Apple Podcasts or Spotify to be the first to hear the coaching edit from our interview. Find out more about your hosts ⁠Kate Mangino⁠ and ⁠Rachel Childs⁠ or get in touch at [email protected]