Tending to Yourself Is Not Selfish

Ashley is back and this time we're talking about play, spontaneity, and joy through the HOCI lens of moderation. I grew up not knowing how to play. She grew up playing naturally but maybe using it for regulation. In this honest, funny, and personal conversation, we talk about what we've each had to learn from the other, why play and joy are core to healthy functioning, and what it looks like to find the middle, especially if you tend to live at one end of the spectrum.   What we will talk about: What play actually is and what gets in the way of it for each of us The HOCI moderation lens: too little play and too much unmoderated play both come at a cost What our friendship has taught each of us about joy, spontaneity, and boundaries What we see clinically in clients who have no play and in clients who use play to avoid Honest, unscripted questions we asked each other for the first time, live on the podcast

Adult friendship doesn't happen by accident, it happens on purpose. In this conversation with Ashley, co-owner of our counseling practice and my best friend, we talk about why making friends as an adult is genuinely harder, why so many good friendships quietly fade under busyness, and what it actually takes to move a friendship from surface-level to real. We will also discuss concrete takeaways—things you can actually do this week. We will talk about: Why making friends as an adult is harder than it was in school and what actually work? Why friendships fade during busy seasons, and how to keep them alive without grand gestures What keeps friendships stuck at surface level and how to move toward real depth Practical takeaways for building, maintaining, and deepening friendships A real, honest conversation between two friends who run a counseling practice together Five key takeaways: Proximity repeated over time beats instant connection Be the one who initiates, even when it's vulnerable Lower the bar for contact; small deposits count Name the season instead of disappearing Ask one real question instead of five surface ones

Self-care isn't a spa day or a to-do list. In the HOCI model, it's one of the six core areas of healthy human functioning -- the ability to identify and tend to your own needs across four domains: physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual. In this episode we look at why self-care breaks down, what the value wound has to do with it, and why the cultural version of self-care leaves a lot of people -- especially men -- out entirely. If you've ever felt like tending to yourself was somehow selfish, this one's for you. IN THIS EPISODE The HOCI definition of self-care -- and why it's broader and more serious than the cultural version Why self-care breaks down: the value wound, codependence, and the belief that needs are selfish The four domains: physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual -- and what neglect in each one costs A direct conversation about men and self-care: what men are taught about needs, and what that costs them What self-care actually looks like for men -- practical and without the cultural baggage How self-care connects to all six HOCI principles Why giving from depletion isn't generosity -- it's a slow burn REFLECTION QUESTION In which of the four domains -- physical, emotional, relational, spiritual -- are you most depleted right now? And what is the story you tell yourself about why you don't have permission to tend to it?

A wounded sense of worth doesn't stay in childhood. It follows you into your work, your relationships, and the story you tell about who you are. In Part 2, we trace the value wound into adulthood -- the achievement treadmill that never stops, the relationships where love never quite feels safe, the inner critic that renders verdicts instead of feedback. Then we look at how a value wound shapes identity, why identity crises are often doorways rather than disasters, and what genuine healing actually looks like. IN THIS EPISODE How the value wound shows up at work: perfectionism, imposter syndrome, the inability to rest How it shows up in relationships: over-giving, chronic reassurance-seeking, difficulty receiving love The inner critic as internalized shame -- and why it renders verdicts, not feedback How a wounded sense of worth produces a borrowed identity built on roles and approval Why an identity crisis is often growth pushing back -- not something going wrong What healing looks like -- and why it requires more than insight If the borrowed identity fell away -- the role, the title, the thing you're known for -- what would be left? Is that terrifying? Or is there something in you that's curious about finding out?

Worth is not something you earn. But most of us grew up in environments that treated it like you could and should. In Part 1 of this two-part conversation, we look at the core issue of value: what inherent worth actually means, what children need to internalize it, and what happens when those needs aren't met. We also unpack the two directions a value wound tends to go one-up and one-down and the role shame plays in keeping the wound alive. What we mean by inherent worth -- and why it can't be earned or lost What children actually need to internalize value -- attunement, delight, unconditional love One-up and one-down: the two ways a value wound shows up, and why most people oscillate between them Shame vs. guilt -- a critical distinction that changes how we understand the wound Why shame lives in the body -- and why insight alone can't reach it Is there a belief about yourself you've never said out loud -- something you suspect might be true that you hope no one finds out? That's often where the shame lives. COMING UP IN PART 2 How the value wound shows up in your work, your relationships, and your sense of identity -- and what healing actually looks like.

In Part 1 we named the patterns of codependence. In Part 2 we go deeper – tracing codependence back to its developmental roots, looking honestly at what it costs us, and walking through what healing actually looks like using all six principles of the HOCI model. Not a new self. A more honest one. In this episode we will look at: What families teach without meaning to – and how attachment wounds become codependent patterns Why you don't need a dramatic history to carry these wounds The real cost: what codependence does to your body, your relationships, and your sense of self What healing looks like through each of the six HOCI core areas – with a concrete practice to move forward You were designed for real connection – not managed connection, not performed connection, not connection that costs you yourself. That kind of connection starts with knowing who you are. And that work is always available. Right here. Right now.

Most people hear the word codependence and think: not me. But codependence isn't reserved for people in crisis or recovery – it's a spectrum, and most of us are somewhere on it. In Part 1, we look at what codependence actually is through the HOCI framework, and introduce five patterns that most people will recognize in themselves. In this episode we will discuss: The Healing Our Core Issues (HOCI) definition: codependence as difficulty knowing who you are separate from your relationships Why it's a developmental issue, not a character flaw – and why the spectrum matters How culture and faith communities can quietly reinforce codependent patterns The five faces: the caretaker, the peacekeeper, the controller, the chameleon, and the one who leaves first We're not diagnosing. We're getting curious.

I've been doing the work. I've read the books, sat in the sessions, had the hard conversations. And then something happens -- and I find myself right back in a pattern I thought I was done with. What is wrong with me? Am I ever going to get there? If you've asked that question, this episode is for you. "Am I fully healed?" is one of the most common questions that surfaces in therapy -- usually from the people who are working the hardest. Today we sit inside that question rather than rush past it. We look at what healing actually is through the lens of the Healing Our Core Issues (HOCI) framework, why the pattern coming back doesn't mean you're starting over, and how to be in a lifelong journey without it crushing you. In this episode: Why the idea of being "fully healed" may be the wrong goal The spiral nature of healing -- and why returning to familiar territory isn't the same as going backward What regression actually is (and what it isn't) Why triggers are the curriculum, not the enemy How spiritual communities can unintentionally add shame to the healing process How to measure progress differently -- and give yourself credit for what has actually changed The goal isn't to arrive. It's to become more yourself, more of the time. Reflection question to carry with you: How is your relationship to the thing you've struggled with longest different today than it was two years ago -- even subtly? Encountering You is a faith-informed podcast about mental health, healing, and the work of becoming more yourself.

Have you ever agreed to something and driven home feeling like you left a piece of yourself in that conversation? Or held so firm to your position that the relationship paid the price? Compromise gets a lot of good press -- but most of us have never learned the difference between healthy flexibility and quiet self-erasure. In this episode, we use the Healing Our Core Issues (HOCI) framework to look at what compromise actually requires, why it can feel so loaded, and how it shows up differently in the relationships that matter most. We talk about romantic partnerships, friendships, adult family relationships, and work -- and why the same pattern tends to show up across all of them. In this episode: Why compromise problems are often boundary or attachment wounds in disguise What self-abandonment looks like in everyday conversation How your attachment style shapes the way you handle conflict The difference between healthy flexibility and giving yourself away How to tell whether a compromise left you more solid -- or smaller The HOCI model gives us six core areas to work with: self-esteem, boundaries, owning your reality, self-care, moderation, and attachment. This episode uses all six. Reflection question to carry with you: Is there a relationship where you've been playing a role so long you've forgotten you're allowed to renegotiate it? Encountering You is a faith-informed podcast about mental health, healing, and the work of becoming more yourself.

Many of us reach a point where we notice it; the way we react, the way we shut down, the way we respond in relationships and think, I don’t want to keep doing this. In this episode, we explore what actually gets passed down in families and relationships, and why those patterns can feel so hard to change. Through the lens of attachment and the nervous system, we look at how our reactions are often learned, automatic, and rooted in what once helped us feel safe. More importantly, we talk about how to begin interrupting those patterns in real, practical ways. This episode offers a simple, repeatable framework:Notice → Pause → Regulate → Choose → Repair Because breaking generational cycles isn’t about getting it right every time; it’s about responding differently, one moment at a time. In this episode we explore: What actually gets passed down in relationships Why patterns repeat (even when we don’t want them to) The role of attachment and nervous system responses How to interrupt patterns in real time Why repair matters more than perfection