What She Actually Wants in Bed

You have fantasies. You also have desires. And they’re not the same thing.A fantasy is a thought or mental picture that turns you on. A desire is something you actually want to do. Most people have never separated them, and mixing them up is why so many people hide fantasies they’d be happy to share, and why so many partners panic when they hear one.In Episode 55, Scott and Brittney pull the two apart. Drawing on research from Justin Lehmiller, the author of Tell Me What You Want, and building on Esther Perel’s work from Episode 47, they cover what fantasies are for, why 97-98% of people have them, why about 79% of people say their favorite fantasy is something they’d want to try but only about 23% have actually done it, and why most fantasies stay fantasies.They also introduce a four-layer model that ties together Core Desires, fantasies, desires, and behaviors, a simple practice for sorting your own fantasies into buckets, and the exact language for telling a partner whether you’re sharing something or asking for it. Next week: behaviors.In this episode:The difference between a sexual fantasy and a sexual desireWhy nearly everyone fantasizes, and what fantasies are actually forWhy a fantasy stays a fantasy: five common reasonsThe gap between wanting to try something and actually doing itThe four-layer model: Core Desire, fantasy, desire, behaviorThe three-question sorting practice for your own fantasiesHow to say “this is a fantasy, not a request” and why it changes the conversationHow to respond when your partner shares one with youWhat to do when one partner has a desire and the other doesn’tReferenced: Tell Me What You Want by Justin Lehmiller; Mating in Captivity by Esther PerelRemember, intimacy is not automatic... it’s guided.Couples Intimacy ResourcesLooking to improve your sex life, strengthen your marriage, or deepen intimacy in your relationship?Download Coelle, our guided audio intimacy app for couples, designed to strengthen communication, build confidence, and support emotional and physical connection.For personalized support, Scott offers Sex & Intimacy Coaching focused on marriage, desire differences, and building stronger sexual confidence.Explore both here:Download the App: https://www.coelle.app/downloadBook a Free Discovery Call: https://www.coelle.app/sex-intimacy-coaching

When’s the last time you asked your partner a question about your intimate life that you didn’t already know the answer to?Most couples never ask each other the questions that matter, not because they don’t care, but because nobody ever handed them the questions. In Episode 54, Scott and Brittney share sixteen intimate questions worth asking your partner.The questions move through four rounds: warm-up, desire, vulnerability, and what’s next. Along the way, Scott and Brittney share the stories their answers spark, including a few they’ve never told on the podcast. Then they give you a simple, low-pressure way to use these questions with your own partner this week, with rules that keep it honest and safe.If you’ve been looking for questions to ask your partner about sex, intimate conversation starters for couples, or a way to talk about what you want without it getting awkward, this is a good place to start.In this episode:Sixteen intimate questions for couples, organized into four roundsThe ground rules that make honest answers possible, including the two-pass ruleThe stories their answers sparkedHow to use these questions with your partner without turning it into a performance reviewWhy one question per round is enough for a first conversationThe 16 QuestionsRound 1: Warm-Up (light, nostalgic)What’s a moment from our early days together that you still think about?What did you notice about me when you first felt attracted to me, that you never said out loud?What’s something small I do that turns you on more than I probably realize?What’s a night or moment between us you’d replay if you could?Round 2: Desire (what turns you on, and when)When do you feel most desired by me?What’s something you’ve wanted to try but haven’t brought up?What time of day or setting makes you feel most open to intimacy?What’s something I used to do that you miss?Round 3: Vulnerability (where it gets real)What’s something you were afraid to ask for, and what happened when you did, or didn’t?When have you felt most seen by me?Is there something about how you feel during sex that you’ve never told me?Was there a moment that pulled you out of the experience that you didn’t mention at the time?Round 4: Forward-Looking (what’s next)What’s one thing I could do this week that would make you feel more wanted?What do you want more of in the next year?What’s something we’ve done that you’d love to do again?What’s one question you wish I’d ask you?Remember, intimacy is not automatic... it’s guided.Couples Intimacy ResourcesLooking to improve your sex life, strengthen your marriage, or deepen intimacy in your relationship?Download Coelle, our guided audio intimacy app for couples, designed to strengthen communication, build confidence, and support emotional and physical connection.For personalized support, Scott offers Sex & Intimacy Coaching focused on marriage, desire differences, and building stronger sexual confidence.Explore both here:Download the App: https://www.coelle.app/downloadBook a Free Discovery Call: https://www.coelle.app/sex-intimacy-coaching

Coelle has a new series. And rather than announce it with a press release, Scott and Brittney wanted to introduce it through the conversation that matters most.In Episode 53, they sit down with Paula Giroday — certified sexologist, Somatica-certified sex and relationship coach, and the co-creator of Awakening Desire, a brand new series of guided audio experiences now available in the Coelle app. Paula brings something rare to this conversation: Scott has been working with her as his personal somatic sex coach for the past five months. This isn’t a feature interview. It’s a genuine conversation between people who have done real work together.Paula explains what somatic sex coaching actually is — why desire and confidence aren’t things you perform, they’re states you cultivate in the body — and what changes when people start working at that level. Scott shares what five months of that work has actually done for how he shows up in intimacy. Brittney shares what she’s witnessed from the outside.Then they walk through the four sessions of Awakening Desire: Own It, a sexual confidence breathwork session for men. Open, a confidence and sensation session for women. Speak It, a desires meditation for naming and voicing what you actually want. And Between Us, a partnered breath circuit that helps couples build and share erotic energy together.This is the episode that shows rather than tells what Coelle is about.In this episode:What somatic sex coaching actually is — and how it’s different from talk therapy or traditional intimacy coachingWhy desire and confidence live in the body, not the head — and what changes when you work therePaula’s background in theatre and how it shapes her approach to intimacy and embodimentScott’s five months of personal coaching work — what he walked into, what surprised him, what changedBrittney’s perspective on what she’s witnessed in Scott over that timeThe four Awakening Desire sessions — what each one is, who it’s for, and what it feels likeThe Between Us partnered breath circuit — what it does to the dynamic between two peopleGuest: Paula Giroday, Certified Sexologist and Somatic Sex Coach — sensualheartwellness.comAwakening Desire is available now in the Coelle app — included with every subscription.Remember — intimacy is not automatic... it’s guided.Couples Intimacy ResourcesDownload Coelle: https://www.coelle.app/downloadBook a Free Discovery Call with Scott: https://www.coelle.app/sex-intimacy-coaching

Every long-term couple eventually faces the same quiet question: where did the craving go? Not the love — the specific, embodied wanting of this particular person. The research has answers. And they’re not what most people expect.In Episode 52, Scott and Brittney dig into the psychology of sustained desire — what actually makes a partner keep craving you years and decades into a relationship, and why the conventional wisdom about this is almost entirely wrong.Drawing on a systematic review of decades of desire research, Scott and Brittney walk through seven specific, practical things that sustain and rebuild erotic charge between partners from maintaining your own distinct identity and creating deliberate anticipation, to expressing desire explicitly and understanding why too much closeness can paradoxically dampen the very desire you’re trying to sustain.The paradox at the center of it all: desire needs space to breathe. The most desirable partner in a long-term relationship is not the one who is most available. It’s the one who remains genuinely interesting — distinct, alive, engaged with their own life — and who keeps choosing their partner with enough specificity that the choice stays visible.In this episode:The paradox of intimacy and desire — why high but stable closeness doesn’t increase desire, and what actually doesRemaining distinct — why the partner who keeps their own identity is more compelling than one who dissolves into the relationshipBeing seen doing something compelling — the research on novelty, dopamine, and seeing your partner freshCreating anticipation deliberately — why the most powerful arousal tool in long-term relationships is almost entirely unusedEmotional attunement — how gradually slipping out of genuine interest in your partner’s inner world shows up as reduced desireConfidence in and out of the bedroom — what it actually looks and feels like as a driver of sustained attractionIntroducing genuine novelty within the relationship — the dopamine response and why every new shared experience refreshes attractionExpressing desire explicitly — why assuming your partner feels wanted isn’t the same as making them feel wantedThe Perel paradox — why desire needs someone to reach toward, and what happens when partners become too mergedThe one question worth asking your partner tonight📚 Referenced: Mating in Captivity by Esther PerelRemember — intimacy is not automatic... it’s guided.Couples Intimacy ResourcesLooking to improve your sex life, strengthen your marriage, or deepen intimacy in your relationship?Download Coelle, our guided audio intimacy app for couples, designed to strengthen communication, build confidence, and support emotional and physical connection.For personalized support, Scott offers Sex & Intimacy Coaching focused on marriage, desire differences, and building stronger sexual confidence.Explore both here:Download the App: https://www.coelle.app/downloadBook a Free Discovery Call: https://www.coelle.app/sex-intimacy-coaching

Last week Brittney told Scott and every man listening what women actually want in bed. This week the tables turn.In Episode 51, Scott tells Brittney and every woman listening what men actually want in bed. Not the cultural mythology. Not the locker room script. What the research consistently identifies across thousands of men and what Scott personally confirms.The findings will surprise most women. Emotional connection is the most common reason men give for wanting partnered sex — slightly higher than women. Women dramatically underestimate how emotionally meaningful sex is for their male partner. The gap between what men actually want and what their partners assume they want is one of the most costly misunderstandings in long-term relationships.Scott walks through seven things: feeling genuinely desired, her authentic pleasure, emotional presence, the freedom to share fantasies without judgment, more foreplay than she thinks he wants, tenderness alongside intensity, and knowing specifically what she wants. Brittney responds honestly throughout — confirming, pushing back, and acknowledging what today’s conversation changes for her.Plus three things men want that nobody talks about and a direct word for the men listening about naming what they actually need rather than performing the version of male desire culture made acceptable.In this episode:The biggest misconception about male desire and why it costs couples real intimacyWhy women dramatically underestimate how emotionally meaningful sex is for their male partnerFeeling genuinely desired — why mutual initiation changes the erotic dynamic entirelyHer authentic pleasure vs. a performance of it — why faking deprives him of something realEmotional presence vs. physical availability The fantasy conversation — why men want it and why it rarely happensThe foreplay finding most women don’t know: men want significantly more than they’re gettingKnowing what she wants specifically and why her Sexual Self-Portrait from Episode 45 is the most practical gift she can give himThree undertalked things: genuine mutual desire, safe vulnerability, and novelty within the relationshipScott’s honest personal reflection — what he’s wanted most and found hardest to ask forBrittney’s honest response — what changes for her after hearing thisRemember — intimacy is not automatic... it’s guided.Couples Intimacy ResourcesLooking to improve your sex life, strengthen your marriage, or deepen intimacy in your relationship?Download Coelle, our guided audio intimacy app for couples, designed to strengthen communication, build confidence, and support emotional and physical connection.For personalized support, Scott offers Sex & Intimacy Coaching focused on marriage, desire differences, and building stronger sexual confidence.Explore both here:📱 Download the App: https://www.coelle.app/download📞 Book a Free Discovery Call: https://www.coelle.app/sex-intimacy-coaching

In this episode, Brittney tells Scott and by extension every man listening — what women actually want in bed. Not what culture says. Not what porn shows. What the research consistently identifies across tens of thousands of women, delivered in Brittney's honest voice and confirmed by her personal experience.Seven things. Each one specific, practical, and backed by research. From feeling genuinely desired rather than just available, to the time women actually need, whole-body attention, clitoral stimulation done right, emotional safety as a prerequisite rather than a bonus, the culture of asking and actually listening, and the aftercare most men skip entirely.Scott responds honestly throughout — what he got wrong, what changed, what he still works on. And the episode closes with a direct word for the women listening about their own role in getting what they want.In this episode:Why most men don't know what women want and why that's fixableFeeling genuinely desired vs. just available — the research on object-of-desire affirmationWhy women need 15-20 minutes of foreplay and how to actually give itWhole-body attention — why three zones misses everythingClitoral stimulation done right — rhythm, pressure, and consistencyEmotional safety as a prerequisite — what creates it and what erodes itAsking and listening — why receiving feedback without defensiveness is the most important skillAftercare — the research on post-sex connection and the 48-hour afterglowA direct word for women: you are allowed to want what you wantScott's honest reflection on what he's gotten wrong and what changedRemember — intimacy is not automatic... it's guided.Couples Intimacy ResourcesLooking to improve your sex life, strengthen your marriage, or deepen intimacy in your relationship?Download Coelle, our guided audio intimacy app for couples, designed to strengthen communication, build confidence, and support emotional and physical connection.For personalized support, Scott offers Sex & Intimacy Coaching focused on marriage, desire differences, and building stronger sexual confidence.Explore both here:Download the App: https://www.coelle.app/downloadBook a Free Discovery Call: https://www.coelle.app/sex-intimacy-coaching

Scott has completed Ironman triathlons. He has a Master's degree in Performance Psychology. He's spent years coaching hockey players to stop focusing on outcomes and stay locked into process and plan.And he thinks most couples approach sex exactly the way a beginner approaches their first race: get to the finish line as efficiently as possible.In Episode 49, Scott and Brittney take on the finish-line problem in couples' intimacy — the unconscious structure where everything builds toward the man's orgasm, which signals the end of the encounter, and both partners spend the entire experience subtly managing toward that destination rather than inhabiting what's actually happening.What's lost in that structure is enormous. Because great sex has no milestones, no checkpoints, and no predetermined destination. It is an erotic experience that expands and grows as the situation demands — going somewhere neither partner fully anticipated when it began, because both were present enough to follow where it was actually going.This episode is about how to build that capacity. The process focus that Performance Psychology identifies as the difference between peak performers and average ones. The endurance mindset that allows you to be completely in this mile rather than running toward a finish line you can't see yet. And the specific practices that make extended, expanded intimate experience possible — not as a sequence to execute, but as a way of showing up.In this episode:The finish-line problem — how outcome focus limits intimate experience for both partnersScott's Ironman and Performance Psychology background — and why the same principles that separate peak athletes from average ones apply directly to the bedroomProcess focus vs. outcome focus — what each actually feels like, and what changes when you make the shiftWhy great sex has no milestones — and what becomes available when you remove the finish lineThe practices that support extended intimacy: breathwork, eye gazing, sensory presence, edging as a way of being, and communication as expression rather than evaluationThe jazz principle — why the best encounters go somewhere neither partner plannedOrgasm as one possible experience — not the destinationMantak Chia and the Taoist frame: what non-ejaculatory extended experience makes availableWhere to actually start — and why the orientation shift matters more than the durationRemember — intimacy is not automatic... it's guided.Couples Intimacy ResourcesLooking to improve your sex life, strengthen your marriage, or deepen intimacy in your relationship?Download Coelle, our guided audio intimacy app for couples, designed to strengthen communication, build confidence, and support emotional and physical connection.For personalized support, Scott offers Sex & Intimacy Coaching focused on marriage, desire differences, and building stronger sexual confidence.Explore both here:Download the App: https://www.coelle.app/downloadBook a Free Discovery Call: https://www.coelle.app/sex-intimacy-coaching

No frameworks. No deep emotional excavation. Just seven things genuinely worth adding to your intimate life — and one shameless plug at the end.In Episode 48, Scott and Brittney each own specific items on a curated list of physical, sensory, and psychological additions to the bedroom that most couples have never tried and at least one that's going to make you wonder why nobody told you about it sooner.The back of the knee — the erogenous zone almost nobody knows about. The Coital Alignment Technique — a modified missionary position with an 82.5% female orgasm rate in research studies that almost no one does intentionally. The scalp — one of the most nerve-rich surfaces on the body, almost universally neglected. The Somatica Institute's three-part breathwork practice — Scott's personal practice for activating erotic aliveness on demand. Temperature play with ice and heat. Eye gazing — the most vulnerable thing you can do without touching. And a vibrating cock ring — the most practical orgasm gap solution available.Plus the bonus: guided audio intimacy with Coelle and why it's the most useful thing on the entire list for couples who want to go deeper than any single technique or product can take them.In this episode:The back of the knee — why unexpected touch to this spot creates immediate, complete presenceThe Coital Alignment Technique (CAT) — the research-backed position producing 82.5% female orgasm rates that almost nobody does on purposeThe scalp — the most overlooked erogenous zone on the body and how to use itThe Somatica Institute three-part breathwork — what it is, what Scott's daily practice has produced, and how to startTemperature play — why contrast matters more than temperature alone and the simplest way to start tonightEye gazing — why sustained mutual gaze before intimacy changes the quality of everything that followsThe vibrating cock ring — specifically the Tenga SVR, why it works, and the conversation to have firstBonus: Coelle guided audio intimacy — what it does that music, podcasts, and techniques alone can'tRemember — intimacy is not automatic... it's guided.Couples Intimacy ResourcesLooking to improve your sex life, strengthen your marriage, or deepen intimacy in your relationship?Download Coelle, our guided audio intimacy app for couples, designed to strengthen communication, build confidence, and support emotional and physical connection.For personalized support, Scott offers Sex & Intimacy Coaching focused on marriage, desire differences, and building stronger sexual confidence.Explore both here:Download the App: https://www.coelle.app/downloadBook a Free Discovery Call: https://www.coelle.app/sex-intimacy-coaching

Your fantasies are not random. They are not guilty secrets. They are not confessions.They are coded language — your mind's most creative attempt to give you access to the emotional experiences you've been reaching for your whole life.In Episode 47, Scott and Brittney draw on the work of Esther Perel — psychotherapist, bestselling author, and one of the most original voices on desire alive — specifically her conversation with Gillian Anderson on the secret logic of the erotic mind. The insight at the center of it all: a good fantasy states the problem and offers the solution. The scenario is the symbol. The feeling underneath it is the truth.Scott also shares something deeply personal in this episode — the connection between his Core Desire of Being Seen, a childhood marked by a father who never attended a single hockey game, family favoritism, and the erotic life that grew directly out of that history. It's the most honest illustration of Perel's framework available: tell me how you were loved, and I will know a lot about how you make love.This episode covers where fantasies actually come from, how to translate your own fantasy into the deeper language underneath it, why sharing a fantasy with your partner is not the same as requesting it, and what becomes possible in a relationship when both partners are willing to hand each other the map.In this episode:Esther Perel's foundational insight: sexuality as coded language for our deepest emotional needsWhy she tells her students not to ask what people do but what they think about while doing it, and whyA good fantasy states the problem and offers the solution — what that means specificallyWhere fantasies come from — history, culture, and the buffet of experienceWhy most fantasies are discovered rather than invented and why people can learn to fantasizeThe translation practice: how to read your own fantasy for the emotional need underneathScott's personal story: how his Core Desire of Being Seen traces to his father never attending a hockey game and what that reveals about the intimate life that grew from itPerel's line that ties it all together: "Tell me how you were loved, and I"ll tell you how you make love."Why sharing a fantasy is not the same as requesting one and why the distinction matters enormouslyHow to share a fantasy with your partner — practically, vulnerably, without pressureFantasies as creative acts that can heal, repair, and transformThe connection between your fantasy life and your Sexual Self-Portrait from Episode 45Referenced:Want by Gillian AndersonMating in Captivity by Esther PerelEsther Perel's podcast: Where Should We Begin?Esther Perel & Gillian Anderson — "Say More: Esther Perel on Fantasy with Gillian Anderson"Remember — intimacy is not automatic... it's guided.Couples Intimacy ResourcesLooking to improve your sex life, strengthen your marriage, or deepen intimacy in your relationship?Download Coelle, our guided audio intimacy app for couples, designed to strengthen communication, build confidence, and support emotional and physical connection.For personalized support, Scott offers Sex & Intimacy Coaching focused on marriage, desire differences, and building stronger sexual confidence.Explore both here: Download the App: https://www.coelle.app/download Book a Free Discovery Call: https://www.coelle.app/sex-intimacy-coaching

Scott wants to try mutual masturbation. Brittney is hesitant. Neither of them has done it yet and rather than pretend otherwise, they decided to make that honesty the episode.In Episode 46, Scott and Brittney tackle one of the most commonly cited intimate experiences couples are curious about and one of the least acted upon. Scott represents the eager partner — genuinely excited by what the research says this experience offers, and honest about why he wants it. Brittney represents the hesitant partner — intellectually interested in the science, personally uncertain about the specific vulnerability it requires, and honest about what she'd need before it felt right.Together they cover what mutual masturbation actually is, what watching your partner pleasure themselves teaches you that nothing else does, why the vulnerability is both the most uncomfortable and most intimate part, and the specific dynamic between an eager partner and a hesitant one — what both sides need to hear, and what both sides tend to get wrong.For couples who are both ready: a complete practical framework for doing it for the first time. For couples who aren't aligned yet: language for the conversation that actually moves things forward.In this episode:What mutual masturbation actually is and what it offers that partnered sex doesn't automatically provideWhy it's on so many couples' lists and why it stays thereWhat watching your partner pleasure themselves teaches you that nothing else doesThe vulnerability component — why being witnessed is both the most uncomfortable and most intimate partScott's honest take: why the research has him genuinely excitedBrittney's honest take: the specific self-consciousness and what she'd need before this felt rightThe eager partner vs. hesitant partner dynamic — what both sides get wrong and what actually helpsWhat the hesitant partner's "not yet" actually means and why it's not a noFive steps from curious to actually doing it — for couples who are both readyWhat to do if you're not aligned yet and why that's the most common starting placeRemember — intimacy is not automatic... it's guided.Couples Intimacy ResourcesLooking to improve your sex life, strengthen your marriage, or deepen intimacy in your relationship?Download Coelle, our guided audio intimacy app for couples, designed to strengthen communication, build confidence, and support emotional and physical connection.For personalized support, Scott offers Sex & Intimacy Coaching focused on marriage, desire differences, and building stronger sexual confidence.Explore both here:Download the App: https://www.coelle.app/downloadBook a Free Discovery Call: https://www.coelle.app/sex-intimacy-coaching