Gentle is not Permissive

Your child just did something that goes against what your family stands for, and you realize nobody ever actually said it out loud. If you're wondering how to teach family values, what to do when your child breaks an unspoken rule, and how to respond without punishment or shame, this episode shows how values get built and what to do first. In this episode: How children come to hold family values that were never turned into rules Why talking it through often works better than starting with punishment, and when a consequence is still the right call Why unspoken values can be harder to see for some kids with autism or ADHD, with an example of each What research says about how teens see talking it through, and how teens form values of their own Your child can't follow a value they've never seen. Say it out loud, start with the why, and you build understanding instead of shame. Resources mentioned: www.climbingfishparenting.com/newsletter  

You've said "stop" three times in a calm voice, and your child keeps going. If you're trying to parent gently but aren't sure where gentle ends and permissive begins, this episode explains the real difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting, and how to hold a limit without yelling. Content note: this episode discusses animal mistreatment. Please listen without little ears nearby. In this episode: What gentle, permissive, and authoritative parenting actually mean, and how they differ from attachment styles Why gentle describes how you hold a limit, and permissive describes whether you hold it Why telling a young child is not the same as showing them, and who holds the safety when the stakes are real How an adult's apology, and age-fit accountability for the child, help a child grow up with understanding instead of shame Gentle and firm belong together. A calm voice works best when the adult is also the one who makes sure the safe thing happens. Resources mentioned: climbingfishparenting.com/quiz Dolly's Dream Home Rabbit Rescue www.dollysdreamhome.org House Rabbit Network: rabbitnetwork.org  

Your teen's friends make a plan, like a haunted hay ride, and your teen is excited to be asked but dreading the plan itself. If you're wondering how to help your teen say "that's not for me" without losing their friends, whether it's Halloween, a horror movie, or any plan that doesn't feel right, this episode walks through what helps. In this episode: Why saying "that's not for me" about a hay ride or a movie is a small, everyday skill, and how it builds the muscle for bigger moments What research says about why teens tell their parents things, and how a calm, direct question can open the door How a teen can notice what their body is telling them, buy time, and say no without losing their friends What changes for teens with ADHD, autism, and anxiety, and why it's okay when a teen's interests don't match their friends' Your teen doesn't have to say yes to everything to keep their friends. They can say what works for them, say it kindly, and keep showing up for the friendship. Resources mentioned: climbingfishparenting.com/newsletter Episode 52, How to Reach a Teen Who Won't Talk

Halloween isn't only about costumes and candy. For a lot of kids, it's a night of unspoken social rules: who's going with whom, who got invited, and what happens when your child's plans don't match everyone else's. If you're wondering how to help your child through the social side of Halloween, whether they're in elementary school, middle school, or wired differently, this episode walks through what's usually going on and what helps. In this episode: Why the social side of Halloween is so hard, when most of the rules are never said out loud How the social picture changes from younger elementary through middle school, and what helps at each stage What to say when your child finds out they weren't included What the night can look like for kids with ADHD, autism, and anxiety, and what each one needs from you Your child doesn't have to figure out the unspoken rules alone, and neither do you. Resources mentioned: 📩 Weekly brain-based parenting strategies: climbingfishparenting.com/newsletter 🎙️ Episode 3, the Halloween Survival Guide for Kids Wired Differently  

Your child falls apart, and in the moment you can't tell whether they're overwhelmed or upset that the answer is no. If you've ever wondered whether you're looking at a meltdown or a tantrum, and why the same response helps one day and backfires the next, this episode explains what's usually going on underneath and what each situation needs. In this episode: Why a child falling apart can come from two very different places, and why the same response can help one and make the other worse What overload can look like besides screaming, including running away, going quiet, and shutting down Why "tantrum" can be the wrong word, and what a child may be missing when they get louder after hearing no Four questions that help you tell the two apart, and what to do when you can't tell Neither one means your child is bad or that you're failing. Once you know which one you're looking at, you know what to try next. Resources mentioned: Free Frustration Tolerance Scripts and Practice Guide: www.climbingfishparenting.com/frustrationtolerance

Your child refuses the coat, insists they're not cold, or takes it off miserable ten minutes later, and every morning feels like a standoff. If you're wondering why kids fight the jacket even when they're clearly too cold, too warm, or uncomfortable, this episode explains what's usually going on underneath.   In this episode: Why a child who's running around can honestly feel warm while the adults standing nearby are cold How a coat that tugs at an elbow or waist can turn into a meltdown, and what to look for in a coat Why many kids haven't yet learned to read what their body is telling them, and why handing them the answer every morning doesn't build the skill A simple way to start teaching your child to read what their body is telling them, in the calm moments before the next standoff The goal isn't to win the coat battle. It's to help your child learn what their body is telling them, so the fight doesn't have to start. Resources mentioned: climbingfishparenting.com/newsletter Free video series, Why Feelings Are Hard: www.climbingfishparenting.com/feelings  

Homework shouldn't take forty-five minutes for ten problems — but somehow it does, and it turns into a fight nobody wanted. If your kid stalls before starting, gets stuck demanding answers you can't give, or melts down the second you sit down together, this episode is for you. In this episode: Why the same homework meltdown can come from four completely different places What it actually looks like when frustration is anxiety in disguise Why "just try harder to start" doesn't work for a brain that struggles with task initiation A simple in-the-moment question that helps you respond to what's really happening instead of just the yelling Resources mentioned: www.climbingfishparenting.com/newsletter  

All summer they were around — at dinner, in the car, saying yes to things. Then the door started closing a little harder than it needed to. One-word answers. Everything you ask lands like too much. You didn't lose your kid. But you can feel the distance, and you're not sure how to cross it. In this episode: Why a withdrawn teen is usually running on a nervous system that's already on edge — and why you have to be the calm one Why a story that's handed to you is always richer than one you have to grab at How to read your teen's cues so the offer actually lands (including the accessibility test that makes an invitation pull) A ladder of moves for reaching them, the traps that backfire, and what to do when they still won't open up The way back in is almost never the big conversation. It's the small, low-pressure, no-agenda moment, offered again and again. Resources mentioned: 📩 climbingfishparenting.com/newsletter

You're sitting on the edge of your kid's bed, reassuring them for the tenth time — you're safe, it's okay, that won't happen — and it lands for about ninety seconds before the next question comes. Forty-five minutes in, they're more wound up than when you started, and you can't shake the question: why is this getting worse? In this episode: Why reassurance, past a certain point, feeds a child's anxiety instead of shrinking it Why a little anxiety is supposed to be there — and how attention becomes the water that floods it The full set of moves to use instead: prep them first, answer once and hold, expect the burst, stay present, name the feeling, redirect to a coping skill, and give the worry its own time The one catch that turns comfort into part of the loop You're not withholding love. You're changing what the love is aimed at. Resources mentioned: 📩 climbingfishparenting.com/newsletter  

Picture a teenager who was moderately engaged all summer — around, at dinner, saying yes to things. Then school gets close, and the door starts closing a little harder than it needs to. Moodier. Doesn't want to do anything, or only wants to be out with friends. Every question lands like too much. You didn't lose your kid. This is back-to-school anxiety, grown up. In this episode: Why teen overwhelm withdraws instead of exploding — and why a wired-differently teen who held it together all day comes home completely empty The real stack they're carrying: responsibility landing on executive-function skills that haven't caught up, a refereeless social world, the sensory tax of the building, reinventing, and lost sleep Why the summer-job-versus-school comparison is the misread that gets teens in the most trouble How to tell normal teenage distance from real struggle, plus agency-respecting ways in Your teen isn't giving you a hard time. They're having one — quietly. Resources mentioned: 📩 climbingfishparenting.com/newsletter