DEBUT NOVELIST

Wearing a shirt she dreamed she wore, Chelsea has a rip roarin time with some excellent callers. A dissection of genres of internet posts. A special ability to aerate hot food, 90s toaster oven nostalgia, a desire to be around smart and nice people, bra surveillance, some dance, some songs, wildly drawn-out courtroom yarn, and finally… A MALE CALLER!! 

Chelsea debuts her new career direction as she continues to chase a Pullitzer. An east coast bartender, a mom getting chemo, a literary section, a reflection on blueberries, several calls for help, Costco, and a lot of discontent. 

Carey is radicalized by Fire Island and drops multiple Dorinda references in this very special, very chintzy episode. His magical tale of going septic and wearing a stent and purse of antibiotics and subsequent digestive woe. Toenail removal and a discussion of disturbing doctors. A lengthy analysis of sunflowers. Conversely, shocking caller opinions on roses. Carey shares dog perfume tips. An exploration of flat Christina Aguilera karaoke. Many helpful PSAs.

Chelsea chats with a mightily prestigious crop of guests: an opera choreographer with a hot restaurant tip, a pottery buyer who appraises her piece, and a licensed therapist (presumably) who assesses Chelsea. Discussion of vitello tonnato, sand dunes, pottery accounts, mothers day, and underground parking lots. Chelsea's continued attempts at piquing caller interest in escape rooms effectively fails.

Chelsea stands on a cliff in the blustery wind and howls out about hair salon culture, brain rot, writing,  boredom, science, explosive news, therapy, love languages, Tate Larae, a brain surgeon and a friend of a friend calls in! A caller celebrates his Fourthcalliversary by negging Chelsea, educating her about basic geography, and soliciting dog custody advice.  

Slime and Charcoal chicken obsessed Chelsea and Sabrina freestyle about an upcoming live show endeavor, create TGIF acronyms, argue about chicken soup, discuss color mixing, debt, art, parenting, blah blah blah. Chelsea speaks to some senior who was bullied by a freshman.  

Robby Hoffman, who has 9 siblings, throws Chelsea into the perpetual reaction seat with innumerable hot takes, such as: skin care is a scam, washing hands is bad, trans people are fine, ADHD doesn't exist, etc. Chelsea searches for points of connection, like grilled cheese, a mistrust of Nest, a dislike of cut fruit, and thinking flowers are beautiful. A caller does an unauthorized infomercial for a jeweler.

Carmen Christopher joins Chelsea for a chaotic episode full of slime, snacks, and conspiracy theories. They talk about Manson expressions, ADHD vs. meditation, and whether slime could end wars, while Carmen’s mom mistakes Chelsea for Chelsea Handler. There’s water chugging, prank calls, limes full of boogers, and a passionate debate about soup. 

Chelsea struggles with restless leg syndrome and on-camera tics while discussing fires, karaoke, crying hangs, Canada's age, AI, shark attacks, ADHD, pottery perfectionism, sinus issues, a long term plan for escaping the algo, going grey, the power of bird song, and Western medicine inflating life expectancy. A caller sings Mariah from a subway platform. An "apolitical" caller from Texas shares about stealing eggs. A caller offers a lifechanging food test. Wolf howls.

patreon.com/callchelseaperetti Chelsea explores ASMR—crunchy snacks, plastic sounds, and the perils of ASMR gatekeeping—while fielding calls on parenting through calamities, AQI confusion, and the fleeting magic of sumo oranges. A caller stuck in traffic gets pulled into an immigration deep dive and sings classical Indian music, Chelsea contemplates the hamster wheel of social media, liberals hating each other, and whether a pig eating Pop Rocks would be the ultimate ASMR. Along the way, she hangs up on an Olympian, questions a possible fart sound, and revisits Beavis & Butthead as a coping mechanism.