Calm as a Cucumber

We've reached a point in our show where we need to use a gimmick as hackneyed as the sitcom we named this episode after. We noticed that our best conversations happen as we wake up on weekends, just before our baby wakes. So the night before, we set up the recording equipment so that all we had to do is roll over, press record, and start talking. If you saw a video camera in someone's bedroom you'd assume they're kinky, right? So what do you think when there are two large microphone stands, one on either side of the bed? Also kinky, but the turn-on is how much we like talking to Friends.

Yea, the title is a pun! Or is it just wordplay? Our children won't know because at some point, we will decide to ban the dictionary because it says "dic" on the cover.  Content Warning: we use the phrases "expose yourself" and "pornographic" in this episode. Before this pornographic episode gets banned, let's expose ourselves to the history of banning (sometimes euphemistically called challenging!) books and why this practice itself should also be "challenged".

We officially have a child! That's right, Kristen gave birth despite her feelings about how it happened. She grew a body with her body and now there's another person in our home. It just goes to show, if you have trouble making friends, you can literally make one. Some people hope for happy and healthy babies - we just hope our baby is cool like us. Go to reddit.com/r/blankyou to discuss this episode!

This is it! This is what we've all been working so hard to achieve! A Stanley Kubrick reference! Wait, no, that's not it. Oh yes - Season 1 is here! Now that we have a subreddit (r/blankyou), merch is in the works, the audio's been clean and sharp, and audio clips of Kristen as a baby, we figured it's time to stop the testing phase and start the show. We begin with this fiery rebuke of some ignorant boomer bullshit shared the only way they know how: a 30pt font email forward. Marvel at the pity party and hypocrisy of it all, sometimes contained with in the same sentence! Remember: the only thing that trickled down from Reagan was white entitlement and possibly a little bit of peepee toward the end. Go to reddit.com/r/blankyou to discuss this episode!

This is our ninth overall episode and it still feels like no one knows about us. Come on. Nine solid-gold, no-holds-barred, comedy extravaganzas. That is our fault, and we aim to remedy that here by revealing our genetic testing results! Spoiler: we're human. Extrapolating from that data, our child will also be human. But what kind? Another spoiler: white, short, stubby, big-nosed, callipygian and fucking hilarious. Go to reddit.com/r/blankyou to discuss this episode!

Seriously, what's scarier than 10,000 maniacs? A large man with a chainsaw? A sociopathic former lover? Hot attic? No, none of those. We decided it's a red tree that is cut down for profit by a multinational conglomerate. We begin storyboarding our horror movie because we can't find one that scares us. So that, plus we discuss possible new theme songs but (spoiler) decide to keep the original hit by Tom. Enjoy! [email protected] Go to reddit.com/r/blankyou to discuss this episode!

The audio on this one is rough, but nowhere near as rough as the topic. Recorded nearly a year ago, it was a difficult decision whether to upload this one at all. Once the gloves came off - when Tom was openly and publicly shamed/name-called - it made the decision easy. It's time for my side to be heard. Don't miss this one. It's a doozy. Any feedback can be sent to [email protected]. Go to reddit.com/r/blankyou to discuss this episode!

Gonna find a spirit Gonna feel that fright This episode title: Afterlife Delight. It's been a while; let's catch up! This one's about Mothers, chickens, the eggs they both produce; and what would Blank You be without a little bit of death talk? Go to reddit.com/r/blankyou to discuss this episode!

You're gonna die. I didn't mean that in a threatening way. Oh my, no, on the contrary. We want you to be prepared for the inevitability that we believe is a beautiful part of life! Ask questions, set advanced directives, talk about death. Because you are gonna die. Go to reddit.com/r/blankyou to discuss this episode!

In addition to pregnant pauses (dead air), we talk about human pregnancy and how we don't do it like we used to, dag nabbit! Also, it's Kristen's birthday! Go to reddit.com/r/blankyou to discuss this episode!