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Lessons From My Therapist with Kat Harris

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Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!



“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”  - Philippians 4: 6 (NIV)

 

If you are a regular listener, you know that I have struggled with anxiety a lot over the years. I even did a whole Mental Health May series this past year (which you can check out here). Well my anxiety has reared its head again this fall. I can sometimes resent how it takes me away from the moment at hand. My invitation to myself + to you is: What if I/you/we could learn to not resent the discomfort but lean in and trust that my body is resilient. Like Glennon Doyle says, “I can do hard things,”  and I can feel uncomfortable things, pain, grief, nervousness, or anxiety and still feel safe and at home in my body.



Lessons From My Therapist

  • You may have heard this verse before: Philippians 4: 6 (NIV)

 

  • “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God”

 

  • In the King James Version, it says “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.”
  • Greek “careful”: to be distracted to the point of separation
  • What my therapist explained to me was that anxiety separates you from yourself—because it removes me from the present and gets me to obsess about the future. Out of body. Besides yourself.
  • The goal is to get back into yourself, back in your body.
  • Like with the addict: the moment to focus on isn’t necessarily the relapse, but the runway that led them there. The 10 steps before that you took that led you down a path towards anxiety.
  • FOR ME: not eating, well, caffeine, alone time, time with Jesus, moving my body—my body is already on high alert b/c some family stuff going on—so things that normally wouldn’t trigger me are activating anxiety—so I need to be extra kind and caring of myself. 

 

Be careful for nothing, BUT

“But” is where the answer/help comes in. It’s an invitation to try something else. Try these 4 things:

 

  1. Prayer:
  • In anxiety we’re separate from ourselves, God, and others. Prayer reconnects you with God and it INTERRUPTS your disconnection to self. Reminds me I’m not alone and it’s not all up to me.
  • This is an ACTIVE way to take your thoughts captive: 2 Cor. 10:15
  • The invitation of Jesus isn’t to BUCK UP + GET OVER IT: it’s to let go of the back breaking load: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30.
  • The invitation of God isn’t to DO more or less of anything. isn’t to just NOT do something—whatever it is: anxiety, lie, gossip—no the invitation is to BE.

 

  • “Be still + know that I AM God.” - Psalm 46:10

 

 

  1. Supplication:
  • Emergent prayer / emergency prayer.
  • AA 12 steps (very familiar to Phil 4:6)
    • We admitted we were powerless over alcohol— that our lives had become unmanageable.
      • Don’t do ‘x’, BUT PRAY
    • Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore our sanity
      • + SUPPLICATE: GOD HELP ME
    • Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

 

  1. Thanksgiving:
  • GK: Thanking god for things in the past + things yet to come
  • Fear focuses on the worst case scenario. Gratitude focuses on the reality that with God anything is possible.
  • Gratitude reorients my heart from focusing on doom to possibility.
  • Gratitude reminds me that God has shown up for me before + God will do it again. 
  • HABAKKUK 3:2

 

Lord, I have heard of your fame;

    I stand in awe of your deeds, Lord.

Repeat them in our day,

    in our time make them known;

    in wrath remember mercy.

 

In fear, in dread, in anxiety, in hopelessness, remember hope. Remember possibility. Remember what God did in the past and thank him for it THEN ASK HIM TO DO IT AGAIN.

 

  1. Requests: 
  • Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
  • Emphasis on requests: a polite demand for something due to you—like when you get a reminder to pay your credit card bill. Like they ask you nicely = remind you when it’s due. But it’s not really a request; it’s a polite demand. You have to pay the bill. 
  • Dear God, HELP. Thank you for helping me in the past + I thank you in advance because I know you’re going to help me again. That’s who you are. Now please give me peace in my body. 
  • Then the verse that follows this 4-step formula is this: “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
  • “Peace” here in the GREEK: to make one; whole, to be put back together.

 

BE CAREFUL FOR NOTHING.

PRAY.

ASK. 

THANK.

POLITELY DEMAND.

PEACE—then you’ll go from separation back to connection—self, god + others. 

 

I don’t know about you, but this feels like really beautiful news to me.

When I’m in a moment of fear and disconnection: pause. Invite god into the moment. Ask for help. Thank for the past and future. Politely demand! PEACE. Peace is your portion. Peace is your legacy. Even right now, I speak peace over your body, mind, soul, spirit.



Resources

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STI: Sexually Transmitted Infection // STD: Sexually Transmitted Disease For the most part, doctors use the term STI because conditions that are sexually transmitted do not always develop into STDs (and it carries less stigma). Dr. Celeste and I chat about how to talk to the person you’re dating about any STIs you may have.   To lube or not to lube? When you get wet, that is your body creating a sort of natural lubricant to make the rubbing and friction of skin glide more smoothly. Lube assists in making sex more comfortable and pleasurable. There are many reasons why you may not get wet even though you are aroused— it’s always best to have lube around because you’ll never know when you need the extra help.   What Type Of Lube Should You Use?? Silicone: Cannot be absorbed and act as a pillow in your vaginal canal. (For this reason it is also a bit messy.) Best for vaginal pain during sex. Do not use this when using a silicone toy.  Water-based: Will feel the most like your natural lubricant and will be absorbed into your skin so you may have to reapply. More viscous than slippery. Hybrid (water and silicone): Has a more natural feel while still feeling very slick. NEVER use a lubricant that has any sort of sugar as it will mess with your natural pH. Always read the ingredients. Need some lube suggestions: Uberlube + Jo.   Should You Go To The OBGYN? Even if you’re not sexually active? From Hopkins Medicine: Women should start Pap smear screening at age 21. Between the ages of 21-29, women whose Pap smears are normal only need it repeated every three years. Women ages 30 and over should have testing for the human papillomavirus (HPV) with their Pap smear.   Are Blue Balls A Thing?   “The term ‘blue balls’ in and of itself is coercive.” -Dr. Celeste Holbrook   It’s uncomfortable, sure. But not serious or dire.  This term should never be used to coerce someone into having sex. Masturbation is always a solution. Also did you know women experience blue vulva?   Does Sex Get Better With Time And Practice? Or are some people just incompatible?   “The biggest lie we are told is that sex is natural. Sex is biological. We are built for pleasure. We are built for reproduction. Sex is not natural— it is a skill we need to learn.” - Dr. Celeste Holbrook   As you practice sex and communication more, it can absolutely get better. Work with your partner to explore how to make it feel better for both of you.   “We are not modeled normative sexual behavior. All sexual behavior we see is performed sexual behavior, either in porn or in media.” - Dr. Celeste Holbrook     Interested in learning more? Starting on September 23rd, Dr. Celeste and I will be hosting a 3-part Sex Ed 101 Workshop series answering all of the questions you have. We’ll be talking about anatomy, consent, and what to expect your first time. You can sign up for just one workshop or all three. Sign up here!   Resources Sign up for the Sex Ed Workshop I’m hosting with Dr. Celeste here. Listen to Dr. Celeste’s episode of TRC all about painful sex and shame narrative. Keep up with Dr. Celeste on IG at @drcelesteholbrook and check out her site. Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.   If you’re a creative, you know the drill. You’re finally done editing. It’s perfect. Now you just need to format...and re-format...for every single platform. With Issuu, make it once, and it’s ready to post everywhere. Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital publications, from brochures to magazines to sales collateral and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code KAT.
  • The Refined Collective Podcast podkast

    TRC REMIX: Being Single is Hard... Real Talk with Mia Fieldes

    1:02:40

    Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #10. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!   I thought it’d be cool to end this series with a conversation that meant SO much to me personally. Like if no one else ever heard this call between Mia Fieldes + I -- it wouldn’t really matter, because our chat deeply impacted me.   As a single person who is now 36 years old and has been actively waiting for a very long time to meet my person— there’s times I grow weary. There's times I want to let go of hope and just say forget it. I’m tired of hoping and not getting what I want. I’m tired of the wait. I’m tired of the refining.   Mia Fieldes reminded me that first of all it’s ok to admit that being single is freakin’ hard + also how beautifully possible it is to stay connected to hope. If you are feeling tired and weary of hoping...this episode is for you.   Staying Connected to Hope in Singleness   "How do you believe God for something that is fully dependent on somebody else's free will?"   There’s an invitation to follow peace so when you are in a storm peace becomes your anchor.   "Everyone told me marriage would be hard… and I thought 'yeah but being single is hard.'" "When you get to a certain age, people put limitations on you that God never does."   She notices that everyone seems to be fighting for a piece of the pie, but everyone gets their own whole pie. She got her own promise from God.   Keeping Perspective If we spend our energy complaining, we will get no closer to where we want to be. We will receive that negative energy back.   "You create your world with your words."   Mia recalls the journey she went on with God guiding her toward a positive mindset and eventually her husband. "God plucked my husband seemingly out of nowhere."   "If you have to convince someone into something, then believe me someone will convince them out of it."   It's easy to worry about the things you'll have to compromise on, but when the right person comes along, you'll realize there is no real compromise to be made.   "It's so important to go to God for yourself and get your own promise. Otherwise you will filter what God is doing with you through everyone else's story." "I don't want the plagiarized version of somebody else's story."   Mia says that her husband, Joren, has been healing for her.   "God is writing a way bigger story than you can think about."     Top Three Things To Look For In Your Person Growth mindset. Conflict savvy. Communication!   "When you get to a certain age, people put limitations on you that God never does."   What limitations are you putting on yourself, on your circumstances, on God...that God never put on you? What if despite the evidence, you chose to hope? What would your life look like if you truly believed that God was using all things for your good? What if God was conspiring every moment in your life FOR YOU, not against you?   How would your life look? Would it feel any different? Would you be acting / being / hoping differently?   I want you to sit with that.   Resources Keep up with Mia Fieldes on Instagram at @miafieldes.  Listen to Mia’s episode of the C3 NYC podcast here.   I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINEDC50 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!) If you’re a creative, you know the drill. You’re finally done editing. It’s perfect. Now you just need to format...and re-format...for every single platform. With Issuu, make it once, and it’s ready to post everywhere. Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital publications, from brochures to magazines to sales collateral and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code KAT.
  • The Refined Collective Podcast podkast

    TRC REMIX: Cheating, Ghosting, Finances + Sex with Shaun Galanos

    1:14:27

    Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #9. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!   For today’s second to last TRC Remix episode we have love coach Shaun Galanos. I freakin’ LOVE this guy. He’s a straight shooter and to the point...which honestly is what we need sometimes in dating. For this episode, we collected some of your top dating questions and answered them for you! We cover everything from cheating to ghosting to finances to ‘how do you know if they’re the one?’ to what to do if you hate online dating.  “Why do men ghost? Especially if the man asked for my number and texted me.” They don’t care They don’t want to have an uncomfortable conversation with you That’s all they know how to do They want to ghost you before you ghost them They want to hurt you/make you sad They don’t want to hurt your feelings They feel guilty   “How do I manage finances in relationships when we have different standards of spending habits?” Values around money and debt are important— you should share those values. The money conversation can be a turnoff or red flag for someone if you bring it up early on.   “How do you know if it’s the right person, just the wrong time?” If what you’re really asking is: “Am I making the right choice? Is there better?” Stop overthinking! “I’ve been rejected, but should I just wait for them?” Move on! “If someone says no, take it as a no, believe them, and let the universe sort it out on the back end.”   “Can I build a relationship with someone I used to cheat with?” You can do anything you want in life, but ask yourself “Is this good for me?” There are so many ways to view a situation like this, some are fantasies and some are more riddled with problems. If it’s something you really want to pursue, go to counseling with that person to work on how you can make this relationship better.   “Be honest, have you ever decided not to date a girl because of her ethnicity?” Neither of us have not dated someone because of their ethnicity. I share what I’ve noticed of my own behavior on dating apps when it comes to race and how I’ve been reflecting on that and learning what has influenced that behavior.   “How can I make the first move without being too forward/intimidating as a woman?”   “Just do it. Stop sitting on the sidelines hoping that he notices you and just do it.”   It’s time to move on from the whole “men are hunters and women are prey” analogy, because guess what? Hunters don’t woo their prey! Ask yourself what’s holding you back— are you afraid of asking because you’re afraid of the answer?   “How do you date in 2020 when you really hate internet dating?” Ask yourself: what did people do before online dating became a thing? Don’t look down on the idea of being set-up! Get used to saying hi to strangers.   “How can I get context when it’s basically over text due to distance?” So I guess we’ve all just forgotten about phone calls, huh? Pick up the phone! You can get so much more context in a conversation when you hear their voice. I know a lot of us feel safer over text, but it’s so incomplete. Always make sure the big conversations are done over the phone or in person.   “I like masturbation, but I’m worried I’m not going to like sex when I get married.” Focus on masturbation now and worry about sex later. If you understand your own pleasure, you are setting yourself up for some really positive experiences with your partner.   “Start talking about sex…so that it becomes a natural part of your relationship.”   The book Slow Sex by Diana Richardson explores the idea that you should focus on your own pleasure and ask for what you want. ***None of this is possible without communication!****   “You will get more information when you ask for the thing that you want.”    One of my big takeaways from Shaun is that we have the permission to communicate exactly what we want, need, and desire from day one in any relationship or interaction.    If you’re unclear where you stand, have a conversation. If you want to ask someone out, just ask them out. If you want clarity, ask for it.   I love how Shaun put it in our convo: “You will get more information when you ask for the thing that you want.”    It may sound scary, but it’s actually so incredibly FREEING.   Resources Keep up with Shaun on IG at @thelovedrive and on TikTok at @thelovedrive. Check out his course on healthy communication at thelovedrive.com. Shaun’s Love Drive videos on YouTube. IG post about why men ghost. An article Shaun wrote about ghosting. An IGTV Shaun did all about ghosting. Read Slow Sex by Diana Richardson Want to dive into a deeper conversation about masturbation? Listen to the Masturbation Series on The Refined Collective. Want to dive into a deeper conversation about sex? Check out Dr. Celeste Holbrook on The Refined Collective. I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINEDC50 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!) If you’re a creative, you know the drill. You’re finally done editing. It’s perfect. Now you just need to format...and re-format...for every single platform. With Issuu, make it once, and it’s ready to post everywhere. Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital publications, from brochures to magazines to sales collateral and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code KAT. Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media.
  • The Refined Collective Podcast podkast

    TRC REMIX: The #1 Dating Myth Keeping You Stuck with Stephanie May Wilson

    57:31

    Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #8. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!   Today’s TRC Remix Episode is all about Dating 101: everything from dealbreakers to online dating profile no-nos to finding someone who’s our “type”  + the #1 myth keeping you stuck! I have this conversation with my good friend + singleness + dating expert: Stephanie May Wilson.   DATING 101: Types + Deal Breakers Online dating profiles vs. Meeting IRL. We may have a type, but we have to stop making our searches so narrow—the perfect man may not be who you pictured him to be.   DATING 101: It's A Curb, Not A Cliff Real talk: we need to be as intentional about dating as we are with our career or fitness. We chat about the pressure to have meet cutes and the number one frustration women come to her looking for answers to.   "You deserve someone who wants to be with you."   What do you do with all this hope and confusion? Live this season of your life to the fullest. Show up!   DATING MYTH: There Are No Good Guys.   "There are better things we can do with that focus that actually get us to where we want to be."   Find ways to put yourself out there more. Just get involved in your community. Disappointment is part of the dating process. It's getting you ready for marriage, which is signing up to be disappointed by the same person for your whole life.   Feeling discouraged? God hasn't forgotten you. It isn't too late. You are not less than others because you are single. You are not unlovable. You don't have to figure this out alone.    The biggest thing that stood out to me in this episode is when Stephanie said: the #1 thing we should look for in a person is that they are also interested in us! Receiving this and understanding this would have transformed my 20s and early 30s. I can’t tell you how in love I would be with a guy friend and how I just let myself stay in the friend zone forgetting to remember that ‘Oh my gosh I GET TO BE WITH A GUY WHO WANTS ME BACK.’ I would’ve saved myself so much heartache!   What about you? What stood out to you about today’s episode! Share a quote or thought on IG stories + tag @therefinedcollective. I’d love to hear what came up for you! Resources: Keep up with Stephanie at StephanieMayWilson.com and on IG at @smaywilson Listen to Stephanie’s podcast Girls Night (listen to my episode here;)) Grab Every Single Moment for 15% off with code KAT Grab The Between Places for 15% off with code REFINED Watch my Patreon video: Are Your Standards Too High? I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINEDC50 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!)   We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test. Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media.

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