He Said/She Said: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? with Manwell Reyes

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Is it true that ‘once a cheater, always a cheater?’

How does our faith collide with infidelity?

Is cheating an unforgivable sin?

I am doing a 3-part podcast series with Manwell Reyes called He Said/She Said where we dive into some deep topics and approach them from our different perspectives. In the first episode, we talked about double standards (you can listen to that here), and in the second episode, we tackled “Can you really have it all in a relationship?” (You can listen to that here.) This week, we’re talking about cheating.

“Whether we like it or not, philandering is here to stay. And all the ink spilled advising us on how to “affair-proof” our relationships has not managed to curb the number of men and women who wander. Infidelity happens in good marriages, in bad marriages, and even when adultery is punishable by death. It happens in open relationships where extramarital sex is carefully negotiated before-hand. And the freedom to leave or divorce has not made cheating obsolete.” - Esther Perel, State of Affairs

The Poll Results

• Have you ever cheated? 90% said no
• Have you been cheated on? 61% said no
• Would you break up with someone immediately if you were cheated on? 67% said yes
• Do you think cheating is an unforgivable sin? 47% said yes

How Do You Define Cheating?

• Manwell defines cheating as going outside of a committed context without permission. If you’re married and agree to try something out, that’s different.
• In his definition, it doesn’t just have to be sexual intimacy that qualifies. Anything outside of the boundaries you have set for the relationship done in secrecy counts as cheating.

• “Once one person is in the dark, then it becomes cheating.” - Manwell Reyes

• Esther Perel defines cheating as a cocktail of secrecy, sexual alchemy/deceit, and emotional involvement. (It might not always be all three of these things at once, but a cocktail of the three.)

“The beautiful thing is to see something that you want and say no because you care about something else more.” - Manwell Reyes

Is Cheating Unforgivable?

• Manwell says no. After being married for years, he recognizes that if he wasn’t giving his wife the love and attention she needed, he wouldn’t be surprised if she sought it elsewhere.
• “What part do I play in this?” - Manwell Reyes
• I say no also. I share some personal stories on the podcast where I have had some close calls as ‘the other woman.’

• “You don’t know you’re in the moment until you realize you’re in the moment and you’re like ‘oh crap, get me out of here.’” -Kat Harris

Resources

• Listen to the first part in this series about double standards here.
• Listen to the second part in this series about Netflix’s Sex/Life and relationship expectations here.
• Hear more of my thoughts on cheating here.
• Buy Esther Perel’s book State of Affairs here.
• Check out Manwell’s podcast, Nights at the Round Table.
• Listen to the Nights at the Round Table hosts on TRC talking about deconstruction and waiting for marriage to have sex.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

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