85: Thoughts on ERP (Exposure & Response Prevention)

If you've ever experienced dread around making love due to the "ick," pain, anxiety, shame, or being too tired, this episode is for you! I'm excited to introduce a dear friend and mentor of mine, Shayna Hiller, who is a trained Tao Tantric Priestess, Integrative Nutrition Coach, and Yoga Teacher. In this episode, we discuss the causes of dread around sex, as well as what you can do to start looking forward to sex—especially if things have gotten stale in the bedroom. You're not alone. No, you're not broken, and no, you're not necessarily with the wrong partner if you're not feeling turned on by their mere presence! This is a replay of an older episode. We're revisiting this conversation because the topic of sex anxiety is still so relevant. Please disregard any dates or events mentioned in the original recording. The Sex Anxiety Clinic is happening LIVE on Saturday, August 29 at 2 PM PST. You can register here: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/sex-anxiety-clinic As of 7/11/26: The new community, Both Feet In, is where you find my community. Access my core relationship anxiety relief curriculum, with PDFs, videos, audios, calls with me 2-3x/month, and a community feed to make connections with others on the same journey as you. Access that here: Who we are: Natalie Kennedy [@Anxiouslovecoach] Shayna Hiller [@Shaynahiller] Time Stamps: 6:52 Shayna's long-term celibacy in her twenties 12:43 Clearing sexual trauma through the tantric arts 19:51 Inspiring your partner to be their best selves 26:34 Deciding that you don't like sex, when the reality is that you dislike the sex you are having 30:21 How stress leads to anxiety in the bedroom 37:10 Normalizing the ebbs and flows in your relationship and your sex life 38:30 Scheduling sex 46:15 What to do when you dread having sex with your healthy, loving partner 1:05:00 Sex Anxiety Masterclass on March 14th 2pm PST 1:11:12 You are wired for pleasure 1:14:43 Shayna's Embodied Wisdom Retreat

Do you feel like there's a lot of mental gymnastics to relationship anxiety work? Does this feel overly complicated? Let's take a step back from the details and acknowledge the bigger picture. The work here is to develop faith and trust in yourself.  You can't think your way out of a feeling problem. I'm not here to talk you off a ledge. I'm here to give you the tools either walk away, or take the leap of faith, all on your own. Tension of Opposites - early bird until July 1st: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/tension-of-opposites Both Feet In membership: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/both-feet-in-2024

 Is it possible to be with one person for life and still feel something deep and warm between you? I'm sharing stories and wisdom from a 43‑year warm, loving marriage. Are you stressed by wanting things in your relationship to be equal and fair?  What if doing more at home or in the relationship brings greater spiritual fulfillment? What if the reward outweighs the work?  What if you and your partner need different things, and that's okay? Pursuing what fulfills each of you can improve the whole. This episode includes stories from my extended family and my own household, plus tools and mindsets to help you release the urge to control outcomes and let what you need come to you. Tension of Opposites - early bird until July 1st: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/tension-of-opposites Both Feet In membership: https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/both-feet-in-2024

Sharing our "come to Jesus" difficult discussion this week. On: incompatability that surfaces while married, negotiating differences and wants, and how not martyring yourself and nurturing your individuality is key to staying connected. Upcoming: Both Feet In, my signature relationship anxiety course, is now available as a membership for course members. We will meet 2-3x/month to apply the tools from the course in real-time so you can leave and apply them to your relationship immediately. We will also have calls available exclusively for men, and men can now purchase the course and benefit as well. The first BFI call will be May 12th. 14-day free trial for membership, which will open for registration to BFI students May 1st. Register for Both Feet In today: Anxiouslovecoach.com/both-feet-in-2024 Ask me anything via text or voice note, and I'll reply with a 10-minute video via Wisio: www.wisio.com/anxiouslovecoach Next Patreon community support call May 12th at 9am PST. $7/month, cancel anytime. Www.patreon.com/anxiouslovecoach Work with me 1:1: www.anxiouslovecoach.com/work1-1

A postpartum fight with my husband leads to some excellent healing and bonding. There is a power to forgiving ourselves, and our partners. This does not condone what happened or open ourselves up to being hurt again, but transforms that energy into clarity, love, and peace. Forgiveness emphasizes that you can have peace while still keeping boundaries, holding people accountable, and making meaningful changes in your life. It starts with owning what's within your control, and what isn't. And continues with sitting down to listen, and what the power of listening can grant you with: perspective, understanding, clarity, and love. Links:   Processing Rage Towards Men has been closed and discontinued.  Both Feet In is my community where you can access my core relationship anxiety relief curriculum, with PDFs, videos, audios, calls with me 2-3x/month, and a community feed to make connections with others on the same journey as you. Access that here. https://www.anxiouslovecoach.com/both-feet-in-2024   Wisio  

Sometimes the thing we fixate on in our partners is actually something we do, too. What if we responded to our partners the way we want them to respond to us? Magic could happen. Many of my episodes use my personal stories as reference for lessons and teachings, and today's episode is no different, if maybe even more personal. I'm unscripted and opening up to you about a breakthrough that we've had in our relationship. My husband and I have different expectations and experiences from our families of origin. Every family has dysfunction, and every family has trauma. Listen in on our efforts to conquer intergenerational trauma, and refuse to pass down our baggage, and our parents' hurt, and our grandparents' struggles, and so on, to the next generation. Links: Unwavering 2026 has started but it is NOT too late to join us! ➡️ Unwavering is a year-long mentorship designed to get you to stop reacting to every intrusive thought about your relationship and creating unnecessary emotional turmoil.   The structure is three 8-week seasonal "trimesters" (Anxious to Spacious, Tension of Opposites, and Rewriting History) plus: - a year of chat support with me and my co-teacher Stefi - discounted 1:1s with us - optional monthly workshops/Q&As   Sign up for Unwavering (the whole year with 3 trimesters) here. Sign up for Anxious to Spacious (trimester 1) here.   Wisio Patreon 

What do you do when values or visions clash? Can you reconcile? Can you "go along" without abandoning yourself? In this episode I opened up about a fight P and I had this week, yayyy! And how we kinda got back on the same page.   Links: As of 7/11/26: The new community, Both Feet In, is where you find my community. Access my core relationship anxiety relief curriculum, with PDFs, videos, audios, calls with me 2-3x/month, and a community feed to make connections with others on the same journey as you. Access that here. 

Parenthood has been a SEASON. In this episode, I shared how having grace for your partner is essential in a marriage, and what that looks like — and how those with rOCD might desperately have a tough time both giving and receiving it.   UNWAVERING: A Year to End the Drama in your Relationships kicks off with a welcome call on January 20th. The first trimester starts February 7th with Anxious to Spacious - an 8 week group teaching you Consciousness Exercise, which will help you stop REACTING in sabotaging ways every time you experience an intrusive thought.   Wisios are open again! Ask me anything for $67 and I'll make you a 10-minute video with my thoughts. Patreon - $7/month, cancel anytime. Meet with me once a month, and get discounts on everything.

In this episode, my friend Cherry and I talked about a recent conversation where she humbled me in my marriage and how INCREDIBLY helpful it is to have sister roles like that in your life. Cherry also shares how to make bomb a$$ friends.   Links: Patreon - support my work and come pick my brain during my monthly hotseat coaching for $7/month! Unwavering: A year to end the drama in your relationships - join me for 3 of my best-selling 8-week programs in spring, summer, fall, plus monthly trainings/Q&As/workshops with my mentor and dear friend, Stefi Preiss.

This question came from my Patreon and I want to talk about it! If your guy is in his 20s and figuring himself out and you're feeling anxious about it... you're not crazy. Here's why and what you can do about it. Patreon - pick my brain monthly and get discounts on (almost) everything Unwavering: A year to end the drama in your relationships I'm hosting a workshop on Dec 19th to set your intentions for 2026! Free for Patrons and Unwavering members. Or get it here for $25.