Ep 330 Controlling What You Can Control

Zach and Laura discuss the launch of their new book, Reconnect, and how couples can use it to improve their relationship.  They delve into an in-depth discussion on the concept of gaslighting, clarifying that it involves malicious, intentional manipulation—far different from the common emotional invalidation many couples experience.  Episode Highlights: How to Use Reconnect: Zach and Laura suggest couples can work through the book slowly, section by section, or use it more casually, dipping into exercises or conversations as needed. They emphasize flexibility in how the book is used to foster meaningful conversations and connection. Gaslighting vs. Emotional Invalidation: They break down the difference between true gaslighting and more common relational behaviors, like emotional invalidation. They stress that many couples mislabel situations as gaslighting when, in fact, they involve misunderstandings or disagreements about past events. Parallel Universes Technique: Zach shares a therapeutic approach where he helps couples understand that their different realities may never align. He introduces the idea of “parallel universes” as a way for partners to acknowledge each other’s feelings without requiring complete agreement on the facts. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach is feeling bad that his mustache has garnered very little attention. Laura thinks he should keep it. Zach reports back on his experience with his daughter at the  Dave Matthew's Band show. They go on to discuss a bit of some conflict they had right before starting to record. It leads to some great insight into managing one's behavior and reactions even when they are a well-worn habit.  Episode Highlights: Managing Defensiveness and Criticism: Zach and Laura explore the recurring dynamic of defensiveness and criticism in their own friendship, with Zach noting that managing his defensiveness is one of the most important skills for him maintaining a healthy relationship. They emphasize the importance of pausing and choosing how to respond rather than reacting immediately. Confirmation Bias in Relationships: The hosts discuss how confirmation bias can skew perceptions in relationships, using a client story to illustrate how one partner might misinterpret their partner’s behavior based on past experiences. The takeaway is to pause and challenge assumptions, asking open-ended questions instead of jumping to conclusions. Relationships as Growth Machines: Laura mentions a phrase from her colleague that “relationships are human growing machines.” The idea is that relationships constantly challenge us to grow, reflect, and improve. The hosts emphasize that relational growth takes time, patience, and a willingness to embrace discomfort. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Laura talks about her new bucket list project, inspired by a client challenge, which leads to a broader conversation about dreaming big and setting personal goals. Zach reflects on a deeply personal experience with his daughter, showcasing the complexities of parent-child relationships and the healing power of patience and open communication. Together, Laura and Zach explore the dynamics of how personal growth and responsiveness to each other’s needs can significantly impact the quality and longevity of relationships. Throughout the episode, they encourage listeners to engage more deeply with their own relationships by taking practical steps and fostering open, honest communication. Episode Highlights: Turning Towards Your Partner’s Needs: They discuss how small, everyday choices to be attentive and responsive to your partner’s needs can strengthen your relationship. Even seemingly minor issues, like Laura’s hearing concerns, can grow into larger stressors if not addressed. The takeaway is the importance of consistently turning towards your partner's needs to maintain a strong connection. Mental Health as a Common Enemy: Zach and Laura highlight the value of viewing mental health challenges like anxiety or depression as "common enemies" in a relationship. By naming and acknowledging these issues, couples can unite against them, fostering a sense of teamwork and mutual support rather than letting the challenges divide them. Keeping Your Partner Engaged: Laura and Zach emphasize the importance of personal growth and maintaining hobbies and interests. They discuss how having passions outside the relationship can make you a more interesting partner and help keep the relationship dynamic and fulfilling. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach introduces Laura, his "little sister," and Julie Ruediger, his friend, mentor, and "big sister”. They discuss how they met, what they’ve learned from each other, and the work they are doing together this fall. Episode Highlights: Sibling Dynamics and Family Reunions: Zach introduces Julie, who immediately fits into the sibling-like rapport he shares with Laura. The trio dives into stories about family reunions, sibling rivalries, and the lighthearted teasing that defines their relationships. Saying Goodbye to Summer: Zach reflects on dropping his daughter Abi off at the airport and the mixed emotions of enjoying a peaceful home while missing her presence. The conversation touches on the challenges and joys of parenting young adults ready to spread their wings. Julie’s Mentorship and Training with Zach: Julie shares her journey as a mentor at Terry Reals' Relational Life Institute, where she met Zach. They reminisce about their early training sessions, highlighting Zach's growth and talent as a teacher and therapist. Introduction to Relationship Boot Camps: Julie and Zach discuss the upcoming relationship boot camp they are co-facilitating in Philadelphia. They explain the boot camp's structure, purpose, and unique benefits, whether attending as a couple or an individual. The boot camp is designed to teach essential relationship skills in a condensed, intensive format, making therapeutic principles accessible and actionable. Understanding the Adaptive Child: The episode delves into the concept of the "adaptive child," a key idea in relational therapy that refers to the immature, reactive part of ourselves. Julie and Zach discuss how the boot camp helps participants recognize and manage this aspect of their personalities, enhancing personal growth and relationship satisfaction. Navigating Family Triggers: The conversation circles back to family dynamics, with Zach sharing a personal story about managing his temper during a summer visit with his daughter. Julie offers insights on how family relationships can often trigger our adaptive child and the importance of conscious, deliberate responses to these triggers. Resources mentioned in this episode: Relational Life Foundation (https://www.relationallifefoundation.org/) - This website provides information about various boot camps available throughout the year, particularly aimed at individuals who need financial aid or help to access these programs​. Relational Life (https://relationallife.com/) - Similar to the foundation's website, this site offers details on relationship boot camps, with sections dedicated to both couples and therapists. You can find a list of available boot camps and other resources for relationship improvement​. Terry Real (https://terryreal.com/) - Terry Real's website provides a comprehensive list of boot camps for both online and in-person formats, with sections tailored for couples and therapists. You can find schedules, locations, and registration details for various workshops across the country​. Marriage Therapy Radio (https://marriagetherapyradio.com) – Find the links to all the boot camps conducted by Zach Brittle, including both online and in-person sessions. Julie Rudiger (https://www.julierudiger.com/) - Julie Rudiger's website provides a way for people to reach out to her directly with any questions about the boot camps or other relationship resources. It also hosts information on her workshops and professional services​. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Laura shares her latest journey towards better gut health and the surprising benefits she's noticed, like increased energy and clarity. Zach talks about some feelings that were brought up when seeing his brother at the recent Lard Butt race.  They then tackle an important listener question: Is it okay to have close friends of the opposite sex (or any potential partner alternative), outside of your marriage? Laura and Zach explore the complexities of friendships in marriage, discussing the importance of trust, communication, and setting boundaries. They share insights on maintaining healthy friendships while ensuring your marriage remains the top priority. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Laura touches base with Zach about his other projects and his upcoming race. Zach shares a successful exercise his clients took on to help them disrupt their boring and predictable patterns of conflict.   Paired. Download the PAIRED app at https://www.paired.com/MTR  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach and Larua discuss the downside of Nice Guys with the man who literally wrote the book on it. Dr. Robert Glover wrote No More Mr. Nice Guy over 20 years ago after seeing his relationships crumble even though he was so nice. His sage wisdom will help any man (or woman) stuck in the nice cycle. Check out Dr. Glover at: https://www.drglover.com/ Pick up his book at: https://amzn.to/4d95LER While you are on Amazon pre-order Zach & Laura's new book: https://amzn.to/4ds7XY6 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach woke up 5 minutes before recording this episode. Laura is a bit baffled and shares a story about her best friend giving her a new beverage to help her tummy now that she's 40.  They make the big announcement of their new book Reconnect: A Marriage Counseling Workbook: Guided Conversations & Exercises for a Long-Lasting Relationship available for pre-sale now. https://amzn.to/3WGgi4G It would be awesome if you headed over to Amazon to pre-order today https://amzn.to/3WGgi4G. Thanks for your support of Zach and Laura. Sponsor: Paired. Download the PAIRED app at https://www.paired.com/MTR  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach and Laura discuss how to deal with feeling overwhelmed. This leads them into a great conversation about how to listen to yourself and control the things that you can control. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Laura discusses how regular she is (if you know what I mean). Together they contemplate if it is worth not engaging with certain things that bring distress. Zach and Laura reflect on some of the insights from a recent interview regarding the importance of feeling heard. They provide tools and resources to help couples and individuals meet this essential aspect of their relationship. Sponsor: Paired. Download the PAIRED app at https://www.paired.com/MTR  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices