Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast

This is the 100th Episode of the podcast.  And for 100 episodes it has been the goal to help parents understand their children so as to create a validating environment as well as a foundation of connection for your child’s wellbeing. In this episode, Leslie and Dale focus on how to make attending to the relationship with your child a high priority especially when there are escalating emotions. What’s the goal of your interactions with your child? Today’s episode explores the three goals of interpersonal situations from Dialectic Behavior Therapy as well as the six levels of validation.Time Stamps3:38 What are the three goals of interpersonal situationsThe objective of the situation - balancing the short term vs long termAttending to your self-respectAttending to the relationship and how the person would feel after the interaction9:56 Escalating emotions is an indication that you may need to change your priority of the three goals10:10 When the relationship is the number one priority in order to create the foundation of connection for your child’s wellbeing11:53 Why is validation so important and what does it meanValidation is acknowledgment, not agreementParents need to practice “biting their tongue” so as not to invalidate your child16:20 Discussion of invalidation - Dale’s personal experience18:25 Mysophonia is a diagnosis that validates the sensory overwhelm that some children/people feel21:20 The respect you give your child will in turn often lead your child to respect you.22:58 Beware of double down on getting your objective met when misbehavior shows up.23:50 Change course means changing your priority from the objective to the relationship24:34 The Six Levels of Validation25:20 Level one: Paying attention26:41 Level two: Reflect back27:54 Level three: Reading minds30:42 Level four: Understanding32:16 Level five: Acknowledge the valid33:32 Level six: Show equality35:10 Choosing the level of validation that works is up to the individual and the situation36:56 Examples of Functional Validation 38:30 Use the phrase: “What I just said might have felt invalidating to you” when someone gets upset with something you might have said 39:10 Match your intention with the impactLeslie-ism:  I want to say to parents: it's our job to take the first step forward.Resources:Dialectic Behavior Therapy - Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout on Validation including the Six Levels of ValidationDialectic Behavior Therapy - Clarifying Priorities in Interpersonal Situations WorksheetFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by

Picture this, you have three children, it’s summer vacation and all the routines have changed and now your extended  family is coming for a visit. Sounds great and getting irritable and frustrated is also really understandable.  In today’s third and final session with Karen, who is a mother of three children, she is asking herself  the question: Shouldn’t this be easier?   The discussion also focuses on understanding the "people pleaser" the sensitive child, and some of the myths that we believe about ourselves and others.   Karen and her husband are bothered by her son's passion for watching animals fighting which is something we unpack through dialectic thinking and curiosity. Time Stamps3:22 Understanding factors contributing to a parent’s irritability and frustration and what to do about it5:00 How to respond to stress and anxiety?6:49 Take a look at your “core beliefs” which can be myths or mistaken beliefs.8:15 Parents have an opportunity to break a generational cycle of judgment or shame10:46 Do you believe everything you think?11:16 Shame and Blame often go hand in hand.  Shame makes us feel vulnerable and blame can be something we do when we feel vulnerableThe urge to hide is associated with shameAnger is a secondary emotion to the shame13:28 Guilt vs Shame distinction15:10 People pleaser don’t want other people to get upset (another core belief)People pleaser who worries about judgmentsChallenging our mistaken beliefs 20:05 A thought substitution is a way of changing your perspective 22:25 “Finding another interpretation” game26:36 Coping skills can “calm you down” and distract you27:00 The difference between distress tolerance skills and emotion regulation skillsDistress tolerance skills - go slow  - tolerate the emotion without making things worseEmotion regulation skills - check the facts skill and challenging myths skill28:05 When the environment doesn’t fully understand a sensitive person it can feel invalidating - 30:52 Discussion about her son who watches animal fighting videos and what that meansAsk the question…when does it work? and when does it not work?Physical touch, compression can be soothing to a child’s nervous systemGo below the surface to understand your child’s interests and behaviors38:20 Discussion of vulnerabilities and prompting events39:20 A DBT Assumption:  People are doing the best they can with the skills they have in the present moment AND people need to do better40:45  Finding balance between acceptance and asking what can I/you do differently next time?43:28 Compassion and gratitude are essential for parents.Leslie-ism: You and your kids are doing the best you can with the skills you have at the present moment.Resources:  Kristin Neff’s video: The Three Components of Self-CompassionTara Brach’s Resources and Meditations on GratitudeFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by

Parenting is a work in progress and the idea that you get to learn as you go is essential.  In today’s episode Karen, who is eager to learn returns for her second session as we unpack the complexities of parent-child relationships of her three children.  Karen is seeking advice on how to raise resilient children, how to set limits when it feels like your daughter’s best friend talks back to adults and when your kids fight in the grocery store. Understanding who your child is and understanding the situation you are dealing with can change your perspective and guide your parenting skills.Time Stamps3:10 Helping get kids off technology can range from connecting to your child to changing your expectations.  4:18 The change in the parents behavior can have a direct impact on what the child does5:25 Changing your perspective from what the child is doing to you vs what’s happening to the child7:39 Change takes time - manage your expectations9:08The difference between authoritative vs authoritarian -  Learning to be comfortable with your authority as a parent 12:20 Human interaction is complex - assess the contributing factors including your child's vulnerabilities, expectations and beliefs14:35 Missed opportunities - its like missing a train - there will be another one16:19 Be “REAL” with your kids 17:33 Name the elephant in the room - verbalize what’s going on18:35 Put your foot on the brake - Stop trying to teach/rationalize and put your foot on the validation gas pedal19:20 Expand your thinking - be more flexible - get rid of stereotypes20:10 Stop after the validation - don’t talk so much22:20 Parenting is often counterintuitive24:24 Practice taking a non-judgmental stance25:29 DON'T change the limit - Validate and help them express themselves more accurately - with plenty of examples 28:25 FACE the challenge instead of avoiding the challengeStory of community service - giving back to others31:37 How to raise resilient kids and teach them to cope with life's struggles 36:40 Reinforcement - acknowledge what they experienced rather than praise37:28 Coping skills are designed to keep the problem from getting worse (or from escalating) and learning to tolerate the discomfort5,5,5, Skills -5 things you hear, 5 things you see, 5 things you feelResources:  ACCEPTS Skill in Dialectic Behavior TherapyIMPROVE Skill in Dialectic Behavior TherapySelf-Soothe Skill in Dialectic Behavior TherapyLeslie-ism: The road to happiness is knowing how to handle the life’s strugglesFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecoh`podcasts/ . Yo u can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by 

In today’s session you will meet Karen who has three kids, 10 year old Kate, 8 year old Vivian, and 5 year old Owen and asks Leslie the question of how to get her kids off technology. . Answering that question, means assessing what’s going on and then tailoring the strategies to each individual child.  This session also focuses on helping parents feel comfortable with their own authority while maintaining mutual respect with your child.and how not to personalize your child’s big emotions.Time Stamps4:10 The unstructured nature of summer and its challenges5:00 The dialectic perspective of the strong-willed children8:15 Reasons how you diminish your authority as a parentWait till the father steps inFeeling like your children push your buttonsGiving children too many choicesMom doesn’t mean what she says 12:45 Create individual strategies for dealing with technology for your individual kids14:35 Don’t give into the “fairness game”Validate and move on rather than dismiss and move on16:35 Family meeting where everyone has a chance to be heard17:25 Teaching children to manage “Technology Time”18:25 Fair is not the same as equal18:45 The definition of a “bad” parent -When parents personalize their child’s anger 21:19 Change your perspective and your interpretationsMy son is having strong emotionsMy son is getting to know his angerMy son is feeling disappointment24:47 Parents can unintentionally reinforce a child’s emotional reactivity25:55 Cope Ahead Skill - Help a child learn what they can do differently next time instead of shaming them28:35 How to establish personal power and agency for your children that is effective 30:21 Working on developing mutual respect 33:18 Observe and describe your child’s behavior nonjudgmentally34:33 Explaining fairness, equanimity and sameness with a metaphor38:05 Create structure in the day to help children manage technology time 41:44 Understanding what it means to be comfortable with authorityLeslie-ism: Say what you mean and mean what you sayResources:  Horton Hatches An Egg by Dr Seuss read aloud on videoFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

To quote Max Stossel “social media is drastically impacting young people’s mental health, focus, social skills, productivity and self-worth".  On today’s episode, Leslie has a conversation with technology expert, Max Stossel, who was a media strategist before becoming an educator on this topic. He speaks about the reality of phones and compassionately, how parents do indeed have to deal with this reality because it's not going away.  Max increases our understanding of how social media is designed to keep kids (and us) on the phones. He offers practical solutions to work on and hopes to create a common language between parents and their kids.  Time Stamps3:45 Max explains his mission to “help children survive and thrive in the modern world”Social Media is like gas on a fire of all the issues that were already there for teenagers/kids such as self worth, bullying, etc5:00 Help kids to have a mindful moment of really checking in about how their technology makes them feel8:40 How understanding slot machines and their variable reward system explains how and why we use the phone (Intermitten reinforcement which keeps a behavior going11:37 Changing the question to your child from “do you like this? TO how does it make you feel?”“How does it make you feel during and after?”13:00 We can help children develop an awareness of what they are feeling during and after being on technology14:45 Discussing the overwhelm that parents feel with the pressures of tech use15:30 Discussion of why and how to delay giving your child a phone for as long as possible and problem solving19:16 Max’s list a few of his recommendations (see show notes for a more extensive list)Removing phones from bedroomsUsing Technology is a trade between presence or looking at my phone. Its a choiceNarrate that choice- take responsibility for the choice you makeThe bigger the screen the better (more social accountability and less isolation)24:15 Two role play situations.   25:17 Trying to get your teen off their phone.  34:20 When your tween asks you to get them a phone28:40 Review of the strategies of the first role play 38::00 Review of the strategies of the second role play42:20 Technology gets in the way of self discovery45:30 Experiment with substitute experiences instead of scrollingLeslie-ism: Replace the question of “do you like this TO how does it make you feel”Resources:Max Stossel’s Organization Social Awakening Website with technology resourcesHere is a list of best practices recommended by Max StosselHere is list of best practices recommended by Max StosselMax Stossel’s Website as a Poet and PerformerThe Center For Human Technology with a link to the movie The Social DilemmaWait Until 8th Movement - resources and informationFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, 

Parents have to deal with the daily activities of getting their kids dressed, fed and out the door. Sometimes there are great strategies and skills to help in those situations.  And sometimes those are just what Leslie calls “messy situations” that come with raising kids.  This is the third and final session with Kevin & Scott who have two boys - 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur. This episode is chock full of strategies and the discussion focuses on mindfulness skills as well as interpersonal skills. And stay tuned to the end of the episode where Scott gives us an update on how these sessions have helped both parents.  Time Stamps2:22 Mindfulness practice helped their child be more focused and it helped the parents stay calmer and less frustrated6:58 Definition and examples of one-minded9:15  When kids don’t like making mistakes?  How to use Cope Ahead Skill10:35 Helping the parents feel more competentRemoving the “shoulds” from the homework task 12:30 How can you lower the expectations and still help your child reach their full potential15:18 Role play scenario to demonstrate what to do when things are tense or escalating Strategies that respectfully help the child whose brain says “I need to tell you every little detail of a story”18:40 Look for some collaboration and Identify the dialectic dilemma between your goal vs your child’s goal, your needs and your child’s needs20:50 Definition of a synthesis21:30 Use two hands to help your child visualize the two parts of dilemma26:50 Messy moments are intrinsic to raising children27:28 What to do during the big meltdownsNotice and Name the child’s state of mind - “You are in emotion mind”,Move the child from emotion mind to wise mind - make a listPhysical touch (X marks the spot)Do you want a hug?Do you want space?Hand the child an ice packPut on classical musicDo something physical - lay on the floor, do some jumping jacksYou can be the distraction Draw a road with many choices for how to get somewhereCo-regulate yourself33:30 Stay connected and set your limit34:05 Be a broken record - Let your child know that you are there34:55 Learning takes place between the meltdowns - Model and teach skills 35:50 An example of being irreverent - getting their attention by being genuine.  This is NOT sarcasm  37:35 Parents need to support each otherLeslie-ism: Next time you or child feel anxious, try counting your stepsResources:  Leslie’s Handout on Dialectic Images for Finding a Synthesis to a Dialectic DilemmaIs My Child A Monster? Dealing with Overwhelm with Special Guest Dr. Kiki Fehling - to review the TIPP skills and other mindfulness skillsCope Ahead DBT Skill HandoutFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by

Homework is a time of frustration in many families.  And there are so many root causes that contribute to the defiance that often comes with homework.   In today’s episode, which is the second session with Kevin and Scott, Leslie discusses and assesses what’s going on and what to do with those homework issues.  Kevin and Scott are parents to 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur -  two neurodivergent boys, who are trying incredibly hard to be the best parents they can be.  Leslie points out that perhaps everyone can try different, not harder.Time Stamps3:40 Varying your skills is often very effective - mix it up a little4:13 The opposite of self-compassion is self-deprecating and self-judgements 6:00 Using your skills intentionally makes the skill for effective6:50 Family value of doing things together as a familyChildren avoid parts of their homework that’s hard for them.  The child may have difficulty admitting that they made a mistake9:40 Review of the should’s from the homework for Kevin and Scott10:39 How to believe your own compassionate statement11:35 Looking at yourself before you became a parent14:24 Should-ing yourself or your child often turns into shaming15:20 The pressure of parenting16:38 Validate your thoughts but don’t attach to those thoughts17:40 We don’t have to try harder, we have to try different18:40 The many uses of mindfulness 23:03  What to do when your child refuses to do school workGive your child information about what happens to themPut it on paper so it is tangible and visual26:08 Many kids don’t want to talk about a past situation that didn’t go well27:00 Homework is an opportunity to “see” who your child is and to help them understand themselves28:15 Assess why is your child struggling with homework31:30 Transitions may be challenging for kids with ADHD32:40 Being seen and understood creates connection between parent and childConnection is the opposite of feeling shame34:03 Helping your child when they make a mistake and get upset“Can you give yourself permission to make a mistake”“That really threw you into emotion mind”Ahead of time, “are you prepared to make some mistakes” or “can you handle making a mistake today”37:44 Going to school for the neurodivergent child is extra exhausting. Some accommodations may be needed to create an environment that is supportive39:20 New ideas and strategies may be refreshing in a the family dynamic40:42 Keys to parenting when homework is problematic42:30 Defiance is not the measure of being a bad parent.  Remember defiance is helping you understand your childLeslie-ism: Don’t try harder, try different! For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and

As parents we can probably relate to Kevin and Scott who describe family life as chaotic.  They are parents of two neurodivergent boys, 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur.  Its clear in this episode that these parents have done their homework and tried to help their boys and their family life but the frustration and uncertainly are ever present. Leslie works with Kevin and Scott to assess and understand the other important ingredients essential for effective parenting.  This episode focuses on feelings and concepts such as compassion, insecurity, shame and grief.  And together they that look at what happens when rewards stop working.  Time Stamps3:10 Where do parents begin when trying to make sense household chaos5:05 When parenting with strategies designed for the neurotypical child doesn’t work as well with the neurodivergent child5:59 Grieving the child you thought you would haveComparison to other children or other familiesAcknowledge the child you have8:08 An example of making compassionate statements to each other and to themselves11:20 Island of compassion in the sea of chaosDescription of the morning "chaos"14:15 Teasing can be “playful connection’ as well as the hurtfulParents can reframe the behavior from a negative to an alternative interpretation17:10 Rewards -  how to make them work and why they stop workingChange them oftenIntermittent reinforcement works very well to establish a behaviorDon’t work harder than your childKeep the small and specific24:08 Problem Solving Skill from DBT  - focus on the brainstorming step26:14 Raising your child to understand who he is, the impact of how he shows up in the world, and the areas that he might need to work on.26:30 Strategies to help someone with ADHD: balance boards and movementFidget toysDrawing and doodling28:20 Dialectic dilemma: The tension between when do you need to accept the moment as it is and when do you need to change it day29:15 Dialectic Dilemma: Is this the parent’s problem or is this the child’s problem. Whose problem is it?29:55 Two acceptance strategies:  compassion and taking a breathLeslie-ism: Take a moment to celebrate the effort you're putting in and the small successes along the way.Resources:  A book about Behavior management strategies: Don’t Shoot the Dog by Karen PryonFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Parenting is an overwhelming job with endless meals, cleanups, and activities. But on top of that, there’s the general overwhelm we're all feeling in our current world, and there are skills you can learn to help manage that daily overwhelm. In this episode Leslie speaks with special guest, Dr. Kiki Fehling. Dr. Kiki Fehling, a licensed psychologist, DBT expert, author and speaker, discusses the transformative impact of DBT on her life and the lives of her clients. Together Leslie and Kiki focus on specific DBT skills that can directly help parents who feel overwhelmed, including Mindfulness, TIPP, and Opposite Action Skills which can help both you and your children. Time Stamps3:05 Why Kiki is committed to getting DBT resources out to the public5:13 Distinguishing between DBT Therapy and DBT SkillsThe four Modules of DBTThese are life skills to help you deal with the hard parts of life7:15 How do we talk to parents about the overwhelmStart with mindfulnessDefinition of mindfulnessIncreasing one’s awareness of the Overwhelm11:10 Jon Kabat Zinn’s Quote:  “if our lives depended on our awareness of our breathing we’d all be dead12:48 Mindfulness is the foundation of DBT13:00 TIPP Skills to help us regulate our nervous system13:25 Paced Breathing Skill14:48 Tip your Temperature - mammalian Dive Reflex16:48 Intense Exercise17:47 Progressive Muscle Relaxation19:46 Opposite Action Skill24:50 Dealing with OverwhelmUsing your TIPP Skills IS Opposite Action25:25 Start with yourself: Model it and that teaches your child to copeCo-regulation is when the parent calms themselves down27:06 Kids are growing up with Mindfulness as an everyday word28:55 “ Living Therapeutically” is Leslie’s term for a way of living without therapy that continues to help you learn and grow (a newsletter will be coming soon on this)Leslie-ism: Practice Naming Your EmotionsResources:Dr. Kiki Fehling’s WebsiteSelf-Directed DBT Skills: 3 Month DBT WorkbookDBT Cards for Coping SkillsKiki Fehlings Tik Tok @dbtkikiKiki Fehling Instagram.TIPP Skills from DBT Therapy HandoutTip your Temperature VideoIntense Exercise VideoOpposit Action Skills Video from DBT TherapyJon Kabat Zinn’s WebsiteFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and 

Here’s the scenario:  Your 8 year old child just got a formal diagnosis of ADHD in addition to the dyslexia diagnosis.  Your 12 year old son is also neurodivergent whose behaviors include humming, interrupting and fidgeting. How does a family learn to get along with all of these differences which create tension in both the children and the parents. In this third and final session with Krystal and Burt, Leslie works directly with the parenting differences…Krystal expresses her concerns about Margot's future, while Burt remains optimistic. The skills focus on mindfulness, validation and communication in order to “get along”, and learn to live together.Time Stamps3:35 The benefits of giving a child with ADHD the “job” of time management5:00 Medication Trial for ADHD - pros and cons8:59 The worrisome questions of someone with ADHD15:10 When avoiding problems, you might be making your problem worse15:45 Asking for what you need when you know you want to be heard.17:25 Learning to speak each other’s language 18:55 Making sure your child understands their diagnosis19:45 When someone is not understood and seen for who they are, they may misbehave- example of being left handed and being singled out.20:22 If you figure out your different and different equals bad, then you call yourself “bad”21:30 Explaining brains when you're trying to explain a diagnosis to a childDiscussing neurodivergence with affirmative language25:48 When parents have opposite perspectives.Be who you are and take a giant step towards the other personYou can still be positive and validate your child’s concerns27:39 When you validate someone’s worries - the worries may actually decrease 30:41 Role Play example of validation when someone uses BUT instead of AND32:50 When the environment (school, home) may or may not support the neurodivergent person34:36 Description of neurodivergent differences in the family including ADHD and Autism38:00 Description of Stimming Behaviors40:10 Family meetings can create a positive circular loop in which understanding leads to connection, and connection leads to greater understanding.Family meeting can name the tension between neurodivergent types Family meeting can engage the kids in the process of problem solvingUnderstanding leads to empathy, consideration and tolerance43:25 Description of misophonia and mindfulness skills to treat itLeslie-ism: To reduce conflict start with communication and end up with connectionResources: Resources on Neurodivergence Neurodivergentinsights.comDr, Liz Angoff”s website Explaining Brains - full of resourcesDr. Liz Angoff’s websiteFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music<