Friend Crush with Amber Akilla

hello my angels, baddies and b*tches - its been too long. I'VE MISSED YOUUUU!!! please accept this video as an offering. this is a GENDER NEUTRAL dynamic and i would say a gateway into a deeper discussion about having a saviour complex and/or the blindspots to low self-esteem and avoidant behaviours .... we can continue to discuss, let me know your thoughts!!!! obviously i have over simplified a lot of things for the sake of brevity, but i thought i'd test this topic/approach and see if it resonates hehe00:00 - intro01:54 - avoid black and white thinking02:45 - being a ‘loser’ and a ‘baddie’ is relative03:52 - predatory new age spirituality and self-help04:29 - the science06:05 - rising to the occasion 06:36 - internal vs external world07:14 - locus of control08:06 - loser vs baddie approaches to life08:29 - shifting the dynamic09:30 - reddit/twitter example14:30 - understand what you value and setting boundaries15:57 - getting out of a loser mindset17:15 - how the dynamic affects perception18:15 - weather vs climate analogy for your day to date feelings vs the vibe of your life (being hot & having fun ideally!!!)MERCH COMING VERY SOON - SIGN UP FOR UPDATES AND GET A DISCOUNT CODE!!friendcrush.club follow me on IG ☆ https://instagram.com/amberakilla/buy affirmation & meditation trackshttps://amberakilla.bandcamp.com/i’m on substack!!!https://substack.com/@amberakillasubscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! $3 a month, 1 week free trial! ♡patreon.com/amberakillaslay habit trackers ☆ free downloadhttps://friendcrush.club/products/digital-productThe Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exerciseshttps://friendcrush.club/products/digital-product-1

following from my previous "how to turn a flop into a flopportunity" video - once you've survived the flop, here are five things to consider when maintaining and protecting your slay. after a challenging or down period, its easy to become careless or develop blindspots once we think we've moved on from something, but that can also lead to blindspots and creating an unsustainable cycle. these are some mindset shifts that have helped me to feel like i'm actually growing, transforming and being hot and having fun, rather than being on a floppercoaster. MERCH IS LIVE!!!www.friendcrush.clubsign up for the newsletter for 10% offpaid patreon subscribers get access to additional discount codespatreon.com/amberakilla00:00 - intro01:33 - flop and slay are equally important03:44 - 1. the flop: where you were04:16 - 2. the shift: what got you out05:57 - 3. the aftermath: who & what survives09:23 - you can’t drag other people up, but anyone can drag you down(relationships, habits, patterns)11:12 - 4. maintenance: protecting your slay13:43 - discipline & delayed gratification as a form of self-devotion14:32 - 80/20 rule16:48 - redefine key terms - metacognition18:04 - be your own bestie20:02 - lean into your new identity21:58 - 5. long term: micro-flopping & adaptability22:12 - embrace the contrast, hold multiple truths at once22:53 - be aware of your natural negative bias related videos:flop into flopportunityhttps://youtu.be/Y9iQ_MYCIGUthe price of slaying is hatershttps://youtu.be/086IvuwYzeAthe vibe you bring to the functionhttps://youtu.be/e4hrPViYKK8hot girl habitshttps://youtu.be/DszRCbx0_AEmeditationhttps://youtu.be/3ZWMNxYIusQjournallinghttps://youtu.be/BzY2mc5eoucnon-negotiable hobbieshttps://youtu.be/XlStSk0b4KIhttps://youtu.be/jKVo3bGoyxgslay habits: how to start new habits, habit forminghttps://youtu.be/31_hsYlM6Twmetacognition: speak to the manager withinhttps://youtu.be/I2cBDd8akeodefining lovehttps://youtu.be/mqu4RRzr2ooincrease your baselinehttps://youtu.be/iwT59y8LWfEeverything is vibes: be hot and have funhttps://youtu.be/1mv6EZX003Yhot girls don’t let comparison be the theif of joyhttps://youtu.be/IHXexhPc5ns

welcome to our first meditation/affirmations track!!!produced and written by meeeeemake sure to set aside some undistracted time to do the meditation for maximum relaxation !!!MERCH COMING VERY SOON - SIGN UP FOR UPDATES AND GET A DISCOUNT CODE!!friendcrush.club follow me on IG ☆ https://instagram.com/amberakilla/i’m on substack!!!https://substack.com/@amberakillasubscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! $3 a month, 1 week free trial! ♡patreon.com/amberakillaslay habit trackers ☆ free downloadhttps://friendcrush.club/products/digital-productThe Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exerciseshttps://friendcrush.club/products/digital-product-1BOOBS OUT SUMMER PLAYLISThttps://open.spotify.com/playlist/05zayhZh0D64W0RDsVn3U0?si=132d4e9041994cd4https://instagram.com/friend.crush/https://substack.com/@amberakilla/https://www.tiktok.com/@amberakillahttps://www.youtube.com/@amberakillahttps://twitter.com/amberakillahttps://soundcloud.com/amberakillahttps://open.spotify.com/user/amberakilla

shorter version of the 11:11 Diva Frequency track for when you're on the go or need a quick recalibration!!! produced and written by meeeeemake sure to set aside some undistracted time to do the meditation for maximum relaxation !!!MERCH COMING VERY SOON - SIGN UP FOR UPDATES AND GET A DISCOUNT CODE!!friendcrush.club follow me on IG ☆ https://instagram.com/amberakilla/i’m on substack!!!https://substack.com/@amberakillasubscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! $3 a month, 1 week free trial! ♡patreon.com/amberakillaslay habit trackers ☆ free downloadhttps://friendcrush.club/products/digital-productThe Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exerciseshttps://friendcrush.club/products/digital-product-1BOOBS OUT SUMMER PLAYLISThttps://open.spotify.com/playlist/05zayhZh0D64W0RDsVn3U0?si=132d4e9041994cd4https://instagram.com/friend.crush/https://substack.com/@amberakilla/https://www.tiktok.com/@amberakillahttps://www.youtube.com/@amberakillahttps://twitter.com/amberakillahttps://soundcloud.com/amberakillahttps://open.spotify.com/user/amberakilla

welcome to our first meditation/affirmations track!!!produced and written by meeeeemake sure to set aside some undistracted time to do the meditation for maximum relaxation !!!MERCH COMING VERY SOON - SIGN UP FOR UPDATES AND GET A DISCOUNT CODE!!friendcrush.club follow me on IG ☆ https://instagram.com/amberakilla/i’m on substack!!!https://substack.com/@amberakillasubscribe for friend crush club groupchat, exclusive episodes & perks! $3 a month, 1 week free trial! ♡patreon.com/amberakillaslay habit trackers ☆ free downloadhttps://friendcrush.club/products/digital-productThe Six Pillars of Self-Esteem x Being Hot & Having Fun Sentence Completion Exerciseshttps://friendcrush.club/products/digital-product-1BOOBS OUT SUMMER PLAYLISThttps://open.spotify.com/playlist/05zayhZh0D64W0RDsVn3U0?si=132d4e9041994cd4https://instagram.com/friend.crush/https://substack.com/@amberakilla/https://www.tiktok.com/@amberakillahttps://www.youtube.com/@amberakillahttps://twitter.com/amberakillahttps://soundcloud.com/amberakillahttps://open.spotify.com/user/amberakilla

youtube video: https://youtu.be/_rVMkThrBawthere aren’t enough words in the english dictionary to describe women who are living their best life and have healthy boundaries. we always have to reclaim language that has previously been used to disempower or judge women. anytime a woman makes herself less available for other people so that she can focus on herself and her own needs, she is labelled ‘selfish’… is she selfish or did she decide to gracefully pull back or exit a dynamic that took more from her than she recieved ????? to me this is not a moral issues because people have the right to be selfish and to indulge in other people’s selfishness, but on the flip side, people also have the right to walk away when it doesn’t work for them anymore. entitlement to one way extraction will not be tolerated! either deal with it, increase your contribution/what you have to offer or find someone else with lower standards.sign up for gossip & updates + discount code for merch drop!friendcrush.club00:00 - 03:25 - intro03:25 - 10:34 - sovereignty vs selfishness 10:34 - 13:15 - when sovereignty is mistaken for selfishness13:15 - 14:15 - when you are the selfish one14:15 - 17:20 - sovereignty & meeting your own needs, being hot & having fun17:20 -18:54 - non-negotiable hobbies18:54 - 19:11 - do you want to be right or do you want to be hot & having fun19:11 - 23:55 - fear of being perceived/seen23:55 -24:40 - redirecting your time, energy & attention24:40 - 25:34 - the bullsh*t never ends25:34 - as you change, so does your experience of existing relationships☆

youtube episode: https://youtu.be/YtpeBQxoROowhen you think you'll never be in a toxic relationship/friendship/job again and you walk away from one and into another ... lmao00:00 intro01:06 - empty space is unnatural and nature will find a way to fill it01:42 - acknowledging that you are weak in order to become strong03:09 - flop and slay coexist04:09 - its not just the goal its also the management of the consequences that come with achieving it04:41 - how assumptions create blind spots05:42 - psychological audit06:29 - anxiety vs self-trust07:10 - notice when you are filing in gaps for space that only time & experience can fill08:12 - empower yourself in your decision making08:26 - seeking win-win relationships08:53 - learning to sit with disappointment and move on instead of ruminating10:58 - getting out of toxic dynamics11:55 - non-negotiable hobbies & trying new things13:10 - confronting & integrating pain vs running or avoiding it13:51 - circumstantial change vs spiritual transformation14:21 - you need a different approach if you want a different outcome14:58 - actions speak louder than words!!!15:15 - e.g. when an ex reaches out16:44 - act according to the outcome that you want16:57 - not responding is a response17:04 - the person who cares the least, wins18:16 - it doesn’t always feel toxic at first18:53 - learning to self-regulate and pace connection19:09 - being open to being proven wrong and trusting yourself to make difficult decisions19:23 - always have something that you care about protecting that is your responsibility to maintain19:41 - optimize to enjoy your life to the fullest20:03 - learn to enjoy the challenge of protecting what you care about20:21 - when you try and evade responsibility, you open yourself up to chaos21:07 - learning to notice guilt & shame and observing rather than repressing or avoiding23:00 - being honest with yourself when you cbf something and moving on23:42 - when are you pursuing something from a place of ego vs real compatibility 24:28 - everyone’s needs are different25:54 - the WILL to extend yourself

youtube video: https://youtu.be/Y9iQ_MYCIGUnever let a flop go to waste!!!!!Hegel said that negativity is precisely what keeps existence alive. Not negativity in a psychological sense, but in a philosophical sense. You don't know what positivity is without negativity. If you only had the power to do things, you would lose the ability to not do things and rest. If you only think, then your thoughts continuously scatter and you lose the ability to reflect and contemplate. If you only slay then you are at risk of burnout and it would eventually become meaningless without the contrast of flop to anchor your slay. Friction, resistance and pain are necessary to indicate the possibilities of growth. Overly focusing on them can create the risk of unnecessary suffering. Practicing bringing awareness and intention to sovereign decision making is how we start to navigate the inevitable oscillation between flop and slay in a way that facilitates Being Hot & Having Fun!!! yayayayaa(ref: The Burnout Society by Byung-Chul Han)The Burnout Society by Byung-Chul Hanhttps://amzn.to/4xxaHy3 (affiliate link)00:00 - 00:54 - intro00:54 - 01:34 - in flop there is slay, in slay there is flop01:34 - 02:21 - what have you been conditioned to optimize your life for02:21 - 03:27 - the hidden cost of maximizing efficiency 03:27 - 04:49 - be selective & specific about the types of challenges you are open to04:49 - 07:01 - flopping is a training opportunity07:01 - 08:25 - life happens in cycles08:25 - 09:51 - maybe you haven’t flopped enough yet09:51 - 12:26 - welcoming challenges as growth opportunities12:26 - flop and slay is a spectrum not a binary12:57 - social media - monitoring spirit behaviour & cancel culture purity tests13:38 - entertainment & education14:39 - hate can’t land if you’re a moving target15:11 - which flop is your responsibility16:54 - increase your surface area for slay18:47 - lean into minor inconveniences23:18 - using conflict as a training opportunity24:25 - adjust your approach according to what’s at stake26:12 - controlled and intentional crash outs27:29 - knowing what you don’t like is just as important29:03 - once you’ve been through the flop you don’t even want to think about it29:24 - have a sense of humour follow me on IG ☆ https://instagram.com/amberakilla/

youtube episode: https://youtu.be/0ShM2LgCVREsome thoughts on over-thinking and rumination and how i turned my depression around!!! something that i didn't mention was to challenge myself to become more solution driven in my thinking - which was kind of the catalyst for my podcast and content! i thought, if i'm going to overthink about things then i may as well try to be coherent and in a way that could help other people. in the process i have been able to develop and evolve my thinking and my life in a way that wouldn't have been possible had i just stayed stagnant and in a mental spiral. rather than becoming over-identified with my diagnosis, i thought about it as a problem to solve/a lifestyle approach that needed adjusting in order to minimize symptoms and notice when i might be more vulnerable to unhealthy thought patterns and behaviours. break the loop!!! stop it from getting ahead of you!!! there are lots of other thoughts i can probably share in future but here is a start ~ feel free to share your own experience and tips in the comments!!!

i think it's called meta-cognition when you observe your internal relationships to external things... the relationship between self and object, rather than the object itself. i'm not denying the realities of oppressive systems and real harm, more like how you might be able to navigate them from a more empowered place so you can be hot & have fun in a way that makes sense to you!!! ~~ as always, please share your thoughts!00:00 - intro03:17 - it’s not the thing itself, it’s your relationship to the thing04:18 - being hot & having fun04:34 - connotative vs denotative interpretation05:40 - how you perceive reality is specific to you06:27 - adjust and redefine06:51 - your identity is dynamic07:10 - superficial change vs spiritual growth07:32 - your personality is the sum of your habits08:01 - performative slay08:25 - radical acceptance09:03 - optimising for FUN and EFFECTIVENESS09:24 - doing a mental audit09:48 - avoid defaulting to binary mental traps10:09 - redefining your relationship to money11:56 - redefining your relationship to love12:53 - suspend your moral framework of unmet expectations = bad14:37 - appreciating life beyond just what you can perceive15:18 - redefining your relationship to power15:41 - sidenote: virtuous suffering16:28 - SPEAK TO THE MANAGER WITHIN17:08 - the willingness to seek and create win-win dynamics18:31 - diffuse your awareness and observe before assuming you have to double down on a position19:32 - changing your relationship to beauty22:39 diversify your sources of validation22:51 - the skills to look hot vs cultivate self-respect are different23:23 - notice and manage your human desire for silver bullet solutions23:57 - embrace the process of trial and error to accumulate experience24:26 - the fear of flop/failure is often worse than the flop itself24:59 - the most sustainable and rewarding growth takes time and usually isnt glamorous25:30 - redefining your relationship to your emotions26:21 - associating discomfort with growth rather than failure26:32 - redefining your relationship with your identity/identity markers27:06 oppositional identity, “counterwill” and oppositional defiant disorder28:05 - people will love & hate you whether you enjoy your life or not so focus on figuring out how to enjoy it28:43 - redefining your relationship to restreferences:patriarchy and power: how socialisation underpins abusive behaviourPsychological drivers of gender disparities in leadership pathswhat underlies a teen oppositional defiant disorder diagnosis books (affiliate links)The Tao of Physics by Fritijof CapraThe Road Less Travelled by M Scott Peckall about love by bell hooksThe Beauty Myth by Naomi WolfWays of Seeing by John Berger